


Stronger Than We Know

by proudlyyours



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blind Date, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, eventually, parent-teacher au, pt au, so so so much fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:19:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 105,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7286845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proudlyyours/pseuds/proudlyyours
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Oh come on, Clarke, it can’t be news to you that you’re aesthetically pleasing. I mean, just look at you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke gave Lexa a dubious look, somehow finding the odd way in which she spoke endearing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Aesthetically pleasing? Really?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, really. But if you’d like a more commonplace phrase then I guess I could borrow our friends’ one and say that yes, you are smoking hot.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Clarke and Lexa meet for the first time on a blind date set up by their friends. They meet for the second time when Clarke takes her son to his first day of school only to find out that Lexa is his teacher. After some awkwardness they agree to just be friends but somehow it's too much and not enough all at once. </p><p>Or</p><p>The parent-teacher AU that nobody asked for but thankfully happened and broke through my writer's block.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Count the Scars Left in My Heart From Losing You

**Author's Note:**

> So I was counting colonies of bacteria because my job is terribly exciting and this idea just popped into my head. Somehow it managed to break through my stubborn-ass writer's block and I kind of really like what came out. I'm still writing my other fic, just in case any of you have read it, and if you haven't you should give it a try! I'll probably switch between the two whenever I get stuck on one but I'll be updating both as much as possible. I hope you like it :)
> 
> Teacher Lexa is one of my favourite headcanons!

OK, so it was possible that Clarke was freaking out. 

Maybe. 

But only a little bit though, you know, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, the usual stuff. Oh, and there was also complete and utter _frustration_ tearing through her as she chucked another hideous outfit on the already teetering heap of clothes on her bed, not to mention the deep pit of fear that was lingering low in her gut. It was just one lousy date, she could handle an evening of making small talk with a stranger, right? There was no part of her that believed that she’d see this woman again after tonight so it wasn’t like it was a big deal. If it were up to her, she wouldn’t be going at all.

She began to rifle through her closet again, figuring it would probably be easier to go on the date rather than try to convince Raven to let her off the hook, and she pulled out an old dress that she used to wear all the time in high school. She smiled down at it for a moment, it had been her favourite in senior year, before turning around and holding it up against herself, taking in how she looked in the mirror. The memories that came flooding back to her tugged on her heart in a rather uncomfortable way. Her face looked drawn and tired, paler than usual, and there was a frown dulling what had once been a happy, untarnished expression. She had been such a different person back when she used to wear this dress, she had been carefree, full of life, unburdened. She’d not been the same since… But no, she wasn’t going to think about that tonight. She sighed and added the dress to the pile. This wasn’t working, she was going to need reinforcements. While once she had considered herself to be well-versed in fashion, she now realised that she was quite out of touch.

Clarke shuffled her way out of her bedroom and down the stairs, noticing the disappointment on her friends’ faces as she walked in the living room door. Well, Octavia looked disappointed, Raven looked a little exasperated.

“For the last time, Clarke, yes, you have to go,” Raven said as Clarke plonked herself down in her favourite armchair. “You’ll be fine, I know you will.”

“But I don’t have anything to wear! It’s like I haven’t bought any nice clothes since high school.”

“You probably haven’t, you’ve been a little busy,” Octavia said, her voice much softer than Raven’s had been.

“I guess… Can you guys help me?”

“Wait, you’re not trying to bail?” Raven raised her eyebrows at her.

“No, I mean of course I want to bail but I know I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t go. At least this way you can stop bugging me for a while about dating, right?”

“One date will only shut me up for a very limited amount of time, that’s not what the goal is. I want to find you someone to actually be with. Sorry Griffin, I’m not giving up on you.” Raven shrugged and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“I’m fine, really. I’ve got all I need right here. I don’t need to be dating someone.”

Raven took a deep breath before she spoke again. Clarke could see the reticence in her expression and instantly knew what she was going to say.

“It’s been five years, Clarke.”

“Don’t. Not tonight.”

Raven had the grace to look a little embarrassed before her expression shifted to a shade more sombre.

“I’m sorry, I just want you to be happy again.”

Clarke tried to smile, tried to show she appreciated that Raven cared, but she knew it didn’t look quite right. She was sure she just looked sad, resigned maybe.

“I am happy, I’m just not the same Clarke that I used to be. I’ve grown up, that’s all.”

“Alright, but Anya reckons you’ll really like this chick. There’s no harm in one date.”

“Anya has never even met me, how does she know I’ll like her?”

“Well I’ve told her all about you and Lexa is Anya’s best friend so she’s made an educated guess. She’s assured me that she’s a great match maker.”

“And remind me why we’re trusting this woman you’ve only just met?”

“She’s hot and smart, it stands to reason that she has good taste. After all, she hit on me, case and point.” Raven gestured to herself, a sly grin tugging at her lips.

Clarke and Octavia scoffed. They were quite used to Raven’s inflated ego and while they liked to mock her for it, Clarke secretly wished she could be that confident. She had been once but that version of herself was long gone. She had to focus on the person she was now and try to make the best of the life she had, not dwell on what she had lost. In that moment she finally accepted that she really should go out and give it a shot, she owed it to herself to try.

“Fine, but if it goes badly I’m holding you personally responsible.”

“Deal,” Raven said with a nod of her head, “But I have every confidence that you’ll come home as happy as a clam.”

Luckily Clarke didn’t notice the sceptical look that Octavia gave Raven. After all, not everyone had quite as much faith that Clarke was ready to date. In fact, it was only the ever-optimistic Raven that did.

 

*

 

It took almost an hour for Raven and Octavia to get Clarke ready. Clarke huffed a lot, pouted at their various outfit suggestions, and pulled a lot of faces as they made her up. Eventually she decided on a top belonging to Octavia, it was navy blue and hung off her figure nicely, revealing a cleavage that she had long since forgot she had. She was much more of a baggy t-shirt and hoodie kind of girl these days. The shirt, along with some tight jeans, smart boots, and a blazer, completed the look. Her friends neatly curled her usually apathetic wavy hair and kitted her out with some jewellery before finally allowing her to look in the mirror. Clarke almost didn’t recognise the woman that stood gazing back at her.

“Wow, so this is what I look like when I go out on a date, huh?”

“You clean up nice,” Raven told her, standing back to admire her work.

“You look beautiful, Clarke,” Octavia said.

“Lexa’s not gonna know what hit her!”

Clarke watched as a nervous smile took over her face in the mirror.

“I haven’t dated a girl in so long, I do kind of miss it. Well, I guess I haven’t dated anyone in a long time…” She sucked in a breath and brushed her hand over the front of her shirt. 

“I can do this though, right?”

“Absolutely,” Raven said, not missing a beat. Clarke turned around to face her friends and couldn’t help but feel comforted by the bright smile on Raven’s face. She looked over at Octavia, knowing she could count on her for a more accurate assessment of the situation. She was a realist like Clarke and while Clarke appreciated Raven’s confidence, sometimes she needed a little grounding. She was surprised when she found that Octavia was stood looking at her, eyes wide and swimming with tears, a hand over her mouth.

“O?” Clarke was a little alarmed by this reaction, she needed calming down, not something else to worry about.

“I’m just so proud of you, Clarke. Look at you getting back out there. I think you’re quite possibly the strongest person I know.”

Clarke felt her throat thicken and she stepped forward to wrap Octavia in a hug. She held her tightly, finally allowing herself to feel like perhaps she was going to be OK after all. She felt a pat on her back and pulled out of the hug to see Raven smiling sweetly at her.

“Yeah, you’re definitely the strongest emotionally but I think we can all agree I’m the strongest in every other way, right? I could totally bench press you. I mean seriously, look at these bad boys.” She flexed her biceps and Clarke just laughed as she pulled Raven into her arms.

“I love you guys,” she said into Raven’s shoulder, holding her hand out to take Octavia’s and pulling her into the hug too. They stood there for a while like that, Clarke sandwiched between her two best friends. She was completely filled with love and gratitude for them both. They had stuck with her through so much and she knew she could never thank them enough for that.

Raven was the first to pull away.

“Come on, we’d better not mess up your hair, you’ll be late if we have to redo it. It’s time to get going, Griffin.”

All of the comfort Clarke had felt a minute ago had quickly drained out of her when the reality of the evening ahead of her sunk in. She suddenly felt like backing out again.

“Are you sure you’re alright to babysit?”

“Yep,” Octavia said and Raven nodded resolutely. 

“But what if he wakes up and needs me?”

“Clarke, we’ve lived with him his whole life, he will be fine,” Raven told her. “He’s always been a good sleeper, he probably won’t even know you’ve been gone.” Clarke nodded, she knew Raven was right but she was always nervous leaving him, she rarely ever did.

“OK, I’m just going to check on him first and then I’ll go, I promise.”

She headed out in the hall and couldn’t help but smile at the big dinosaur painted on the door next to her own. It was a diplodocus and on its back sat a little boy with bright blonde hair and brown eyes. In big letters she had painted the words ‘Finnosaurus Rex’ right above the picture, her son was quite the dinosaur enthusiast. She grimaced at the obnoxious creak the door let out when she pushed it open. She really ought to fix that, she had a habit of peering in at night to check on him. Her favourite sight in the whole world greeted her and it made her feel much calmer. Little Finn was curled up in his bed, his head poking out from under his duvet, and his nose burrowed into his stuffed t-rex. Her chest warmer, Clarke backed out of the room and closed the door. She leaned back against it and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she tried to calm the fluttering in her stomach.

She felt better knowing that no matter what happened tonight, she had two amazing friends and her little guy to come home to. Things may not have been the way she had imagined they would be at this point in her life but they definitely weren’t bad.

 

*

 

Clarke felt utterly foolish when she walked into the bar a little while later. Raven told her this was where Lexa would meet her but as Clarke took in her surroundings she realised that she actually hadn’t got much more information than that at all. She knew Lexa had brown hair but that was literally it. How had she not plied Raven for more before agreeing to go out with this woman? Panic was apparently a powerful distraction. Clarke couldn’t have as much faith in Anya’s matchmaking skills as Raven, after all, she’d never even met her. And god only knew what kind of things Raven had been saying about her to Anya.

It was dim in the bar but the music was low and the crowd was subdued, something for which Clarke was grateful. She looked around, trying to see if there was a young brunette wearing a confused expression similar to her own anywhere. She was walking over to the bar when a soft voice from behind her made her stop.

“Clarke?”

Clarke turned around slowly, anxiety thick in her veins and her heart began to race as she took in the woman that had spoken her name. All the words that she’d learned in her life suddenly deserted her and it really hit her how thoroughly unprepared she was for dating. Although she had been out of the game for a long time, she knew a gorgeous woman when she saw one. It was all she could do to stop her eyes from bugging out, she’d not thought of anyone in a remotely romantic way in years but in this context and with someone so striking… Clarke was completely unnerved. Everything seemed to be moving incredibly slowly as she took in the woman before her but luckily only a few seconds slipped by, she wasn’t being as big of a gaping fool as she imagined.

She couldn’t help but let her eyes admire the very flattering but reserved black dress this woman wore. It covered enough skin to leave a tantalising amount to the imagination but it also clung to her curves in a way that let Clarke know that she was in very good shape. Long thick hair tumbled over one of her shoulders in elegant curls, deep red lipstick was slicked rather intoxicatingly over pronounced lips, and an intimidating amount of makeup framed bold, inquisitive eyes. In the poor lighting Clarke was unable to tell what colour those eyes were but strangely she found herself looking forward to finding out. She had no doubt that they were beautiful, they were already rather stunning despite being shrouded in darkness. 

“Lexa?” Clarke answered, her voice smaller than she intended. The smile that began to tug at the corners of the woman’s mouth as she nodded in affirmation only served to make her even more attractive. Despite the nerves still chewing at her insides, Clarke couldn’t help but smile back. Lexa held her hand out to her and she took it gingerly, pleasantly surprised at the warmth that spread through her skin at the contact. Usually she hated it when people shook her hand but somehow this didn’t seem so bad.

“I have a table over there, would you care to join me?”

“Sure.” 

Clarke waited for Lexa to move so she could follow her but instead Lexa stood by her side and rested her hand on the small of Clarke’s back, guiding her along with her. Suddenly Clarke didn’t feel quite as collected anymore. When they reached the table they took seats opposite each other, Clarke feeling a little ashamed at the relief she felt to be out of Lexa’s reach. 

“I’ve never been here before,” Clarke said, hoping if she spoke first that she could get a conversation started. She didn’t think she could handle any awkward silences. Lexa’s gaze was a little unnerving, Clarke got the feeling that she was a very observant person. Lexa shook her head.

“Me neither, but then again I’ve only just moved to D.C., I haven’t really been to many places yet.”

“Oh really? Where did you move from?”

“New York. I’d been living there since I went away for college but since Anya moved here a few months back I found it a lot less fun than it used to be. So here I am.”

“Here you are.”

Clarke began drumming her fingers on the table and Lexa’s eyes flicked down to watch their movement.

“How about you, Clarke?”

Their eyes locked again.

“I’ve always lived here. I didn’t make it to the end of my first year of college but my friends and I moved out of the dorms and into a house together. We’re still all living there now.”

“Is Raven one of those friends?”

“She is. You haven’t met her, have you?” Clarke wished that Raven had met Lexa, it would have made this whole set-up thing seem a little less weird.

“No, I haven’t, but I’ve heard a lot about her. And about you, though as I understand it you haven’t met Anya either.”

“Nope. Raven really hasn’t told me much about you, something that only really occurred to me when I walked in here and had no idea how I was supposed to find you.” Clarke hesitated, something occurring to her. “Hey, how come you knew it was me when you came over to me before?”

Lexa gave her a bashful smile, a hint of colour brushing its way across her rather remarkable cheekbones.

“Anya described you to me, well I guess Raven provided the description.”

“Oh God, what did she say?”

“She’s used quite a few words to describe you since the beginning of her mission to get me to meet you, all nice I assure you. She texted me while I was on my way over here with another description, just in case I had forgotten.” Lexa pulled her phone out of the jacket slung over the back of her chair and bit her lip as she focused on the screen. The light offered a new perspective of Lexa’s face and had her eyes not been trained down, Clarke thought she would have been able to work out what colour they were. “She simply said, ‘smoking hot, blonde curly hair, blazer’.” Clarke was disappointed when Lexa locked her phone, sending her face back into the shadows again before she looked back up.

“That sounds like Raven.”

“Like Anya too, it seems they are quite alike. I’m definitely intrigued to meet Raven.”

“I’m sure you’d like her, everyone always d-” Clarke stopped as a thought barged its way into her mind. She was surprised when it slipped past her filter and through her lips. “Wait, so you think I’m um… Smoking hot?” Clarke felt her cheeks burning at the question and she hoped the gloom would make it less noticeable.

“Oh come on, Clarke, it can’t be news to you that you’re aesthetically pleasing. I mean, just look at you.” 

Clarke gave Lexa a dubious look, somehow finding the odd way in which she spoke endearing. 

“Aesthetically pleasing? Really?”

“Yes, really. But if you’d like a more commonplace phrase then I guess I could borrow our friends’ one and say that yes, you are smoking hot.” Clarke couldn’t help the brilliant laugh that burst forth from her at Lexa uttering those words in such a serious tone.

“Yeah, no, that sounds weird. Aesthetically pleasing sounds more like you.”

“How do you know? You only met me ten minutes ago, Clarke.”

“True, but I’m a good judge of character. I can tell a lot about you just by the way you speak.”

“Oh so you’re judging me? How am I doing?” The left half of Lexa’s mouth was pulling up in a smile but her eyes were completely alight with it.

“Too soon to tell.” Clarke’s smile was playful but it wavered when Lexa brought up a delicate hand to brush a loose curl of hair off her cheek. _God_ she was attractive, even watching her fix her hair was enthralling. 

The two of them sat looking at each other for a moment and Clarke was the first to look away, finding the pounding of her heart to be a little much. She was relieved when Lexa broke the silence that hung heavy between them.

“Can I get you a drink? Wine perhaps, or…” Lexa trailed off, giving Clarke an expectant look.

“Oh, just a coke for me. I haven’t drunk any alcohol since before I got pregnant with my son, my tolerance must be terrible and I don’t need any help in making a fool out of myself. If you want to drink I can always drive you home later, though,” Clarke said, indicating to the glass of what she assumed was just water in front of Lexa.

“Uh…” Lexa was suddenly frowning and Clarke raised her eyebrows at her. 

“Is everything OK?”

Lexa plastered a smile onto her face but didn’t quite manage to mask her surprise when she spoke.

“You have children?”

“A child, singular… Wait, Anya didn’t mention that?”

“No, she didn’t.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll go and get you that coke.” 

And with that Lexa was gone. Clarke rummaged around in her blazer pocket and pulled out her phone, shooting a quick text to Raven.

_You didn’t mention that I have a son?_

Raven’s reply was almost instant.

_Anya knows but I don’t know what she’s told Lexa. Stop texting and enjoy your date. We’ll talk later._

Clarke just huffed and put her phone away. She tried to shake off her annoyance and looked over to where Lexa was stood at the bar. She couldn’t help but admire her physique, she was even gorgeous from the back, and she found herself a little worried that mentioning her son may have put Lexa off. But that was weird, Clarke didn’t even really want to be on the date, did she? When Lexa turned and headed back towards her, glass in her hand and a rather entrancing sway to her hips, Clarke found herself hoping that Lexa wasn’t bothered by it.

“Thanks,” Clarke said when Lexa sat down and pushed the glass of coke across the table towards her. “And I just want to say that I’m sorry no one told you I have a kid, that wasn’t my doing.”

“It’s fine, Clarke, I know that you weren’t trying to hide it. You wouldn’t have mentioned him so freely had you been trying to do so.”

“I totally understand if you don’t want to date me, though, not that I expect anything after tonight of course, it’s just that-” Lexa held up her hand in a commanding way that stopped Clarke midsentence.

“I like children.”

“You do?”

Lexa nodded, her eyes closing for a second as her head dipped.

“Yes, I’m not going to run.”

Clarke let out a relieved laugh, surprising herself.

“OK, good.”

“I’m actually a kindergarten teacher.”

“You’re a – wow, a teacher.”

“You’re surprised?”

“No, I mean, well yeah, a little. I could see you teaching teenagers maybe, but five year olds?”

“Why is that surprising?”

The way Lexa cocked her head to the side slightly as she frowned was kind of adorable.

“You just seem so well put together, not like someone who would voluntarily chase kids around and get covered in paint every day.”

“That’s not quite how teaching works, Clarke. I can assure you that although I do know how to control a classroom full of rambunctious five year olds, I’m also a lot of fun.” 

Yep, Clarke definitely liked that way that Lexa spoke. She wasn’t sure if she had insulted Lexa by her confusion over her profession but she decided to plough forward anyway.

“My son just turned five.”

Lexa smiled and suddenly Clarke wasn’t worried anymore.

“What’s his name?”

“Finn.”

“You don’t look old enough to have a five year old. Do you mind me asking how old you were when you had him?”

“I was nineteen.”

“Wow, that’s pretty young… So you’re twenty four now?”

Clarke nodded.

“Twenty five in September. You?”

“I turned twenty five last week.”

Despite the sophisticated air surrounding Lexa, Clarke wouldn’t have said that they were the same age. Something in the softness of her cheeks made her look younger whereas Clarke felt like she had aged a lot since becoming a mother. Lexa was watching her curiously so she continued.

“His dad and I… Well, let’s just say we didn’t exactly plan on having a child so young. I, at least, wanted to get through college and have a good job before I settled down but…” Clarke shrugged. She had been judged a lot for her irresponsibility when she had got pregnant and it really bugged her. She hoped Lexa wasn’t going to be one of those kinds of people. “I’ve not regretted it once, though. He was the best kind of accident.”

Lexa’s whole expression was soft and in that moment Clarke knew that this woman could be another accident that sent her life careening off course, she just wasn’t sure just yet if that was going to be a good thing or not. Of the three massive curveballs Clarke had experienced in her life, only one was the good kind. The others had almost ruined her completely.

“I understand, sometimes the best things in life are completely unexpected.”

The smile on Lexa’s mouth meant that Clarke had no problem believing her words. She could tell Lexa had some personal experience in the area of the unexpected and she thought that one day, if she did actually see her again, she would ask about what had put that wistful look on her face.

“I agree,” is what Clarke settled for saying for the time being. The smile that took over her face was one full of hope, maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

 

*

 

Clarke was pleasantly surprised when she checked her phone later to find that the two of them had been talking for a couple of hours. They mostly just touched on light things like TV shows and books they enjoyed, and Clarke told Lexa all of the things she loved about D.C., recommending good places to eat and visit. They even talked about Raven and Anya a little and whether they thought the two of them would ever be more than just flirtatious with each other, they were currently claiming to just be friends. Clarke was kind of impressed with herself and feeling quite light in the knowledge that she was enjoying Lexa’s company. Lexa mimicked Clarke’s actions and checked her own phone.

“It’s getting late, I should probably get home,” Lexa said. “I’ve still got some serious job hunting to do. Moving without a job lined up wasn’t one of my smartest ideas.”

“Yeah, I should probably get back too so I can get some sleep, my son is always up by six these days.”

“Who’s watching him tonight? His dad?”

Clarke swallowed, incredibly uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“Uh, no. Raven and our other friend that we live with, Octavia, they’ve got him back at our house. His dad… Well, he’s a long story.”

“One for another day, perhaps,” Lexa said, and Clarke wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it but it seemed as if Lexa could see the sadness threatening to claw its way to the surface. One of those beautiful, slender hands that Clarke had enjoyed watching move as Lexa talked earlier came to cover one of her own. It was a gentle moment and the smiles that they exchanged filled Clarke with relief. This woman really was observant. It seemed she knew just what things she should steer clear of and Clarke was incredibly grateful for that.

“You’d like to see me again?” Clarke asked, the vulnerability in her own voice surprising her. Lexa did that thing again where she closed her eyes as she nodded her head. It was rather endearing.

“Yes, Clarke, I would.” Before Clarke could even begin to comprehend the gravity of those words, Lexa spoke again. “Would you?” 

Something about Lexa made Clarke want to be honest but she didn’t even know where to start. All she managed to do was nod. There was so much more that she wanted to say but she just didn’t have it in her to do so right then. She wanted to tell Lexa that she had been reticent about coming tonight, that she was grateful for how at ease she made her feel, that she was really glad she came. But the way Lexa ducked her head with a bashful smile, gorgeous curls falling into her face, made Clarke feel that perhaps this was enough for tonight. Like Lexa had said, there would be more time to talk. The warmth in Clarke’s stomach was something she had long since forgotten she could even feel and the tightening in her chest that accompanied it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. 

The sun had set by the time they left but the air was still warm and smelled faintly of the heat from the day. It was the middle of July and summer evenings were Clarke’s favourite. They were in a busy part of town and it being a Saturday night meant there were still a lot of people about. They walked in comfortable silence towards their cars which were both parked in a multi-story a few streets away. Clarke quite enjoyed the way the back of Lexa’s hand brushed her own as they walked, apparently it was a night full of surprises, most of them being Clarke surprising herself. The biggest one of the night was yet to come, however.

They reached Lexa’s car first and Clarke found she was a little sad at the thought of leaving her.

“Can I have your phone?” Lexa asked and Clarke handed it to her, watching those long fingers quickly type out something before handing it back to her. “There, you have my number so you can call me or text me whenever you’d like to meet up again. I’ll be around.”

“OK, I will.” Clarke hovered for a moment, feeling awkward.

“Goodbye Clarke,” Lexa said, effectively dismissing her but Clarke wasn’t quite ready to leave yet. Lexa was just turning to open her car door when words burst forth out of Clarke’s mouth, making her stop.

“I’m really glad I came tonight.” Her voice was low but everything around them was so quiet that her words seemed loud and much more daunting than she originally thought. Lexa took a step closer to her.

“I don’t usually do blind dates but I’m glad I followed my instincts and decided to go with it this time,” Lexa told her.

Clarke’s mind was always rushing with thoughts but she was careful and filtered through it all before she chose the right one to share with Lexa in that moment.

“I’ve been alone for so long because I thought that’s all I could be but I think perhaps I deserve better than that.”

While Lexa’s eyes had been locked with her own as they spoke, they now drifted down to her lips and Clarke’s breath caught. This was it. This was the moment. She could practically feel the possibilities brushing every part of her skin and she wasn’t terrified. _How strange._ She watched Lexa’s delectable lips form her reply.

“Maybe we both do.”

Clarke really wanted to kiss her, _god_ she wanted to kiss her but she faltered. It was too soon, wasn’t it? Not in terms of her life, no, Clarke was realising that it didn’t matter how long she waited, it was always going to feel strange to be with someone else. But she had met this woman a few hours ago, how was she already so enamoured by her? Why did she feel safe with her? How was that even possible after such a short amount of time spent in her company? The fact that she wasn’t scared of Lexa was the thing that scared her the most, and that didn’t even make any sense. None of this made sense and yet Clarke was powerless to remove herself from the situation.

Her eyes flicked back up to Lexa’s to find them still trained on her lips. She looked flushed and her mouth was a little open as if she were dazed. All of a sudden the lines of her face hardened and before Clarke knew what was happening, the decision of what to do next was taken away from her. Lexa stepped forward, her hand sliding into Clarke’s hair and she pulled her towards her until their lips met. 

The kiss was so gentle and slow that Clarke could have cried. It was so considerate and sweet and it made her feel completely overwhelmed yet still she felt safe, taken care of. She also kind of wanted to cry because before tonight, before Lexa, she was honestly starting to think that she was done. She had been with a lot of people in high school, she used to be such a physical and open hearted person, but Finn Collins had been the only one of them that she had ever loved. She loved him so fiercely that he had eclipsed all of her teenage years, even those times that they weren’t together. She went back to him again and again because he was undeniable. 

And then he died. 

For five years she kept waiting to feel better but time passed and made her believe that you only got one great love. She had been so _angry_ that she had lost that at the age of nineteen, that the man she loved had died when their son was just the faintest swell in her abdomen, a whole lifetime of possibilities shattered in an instant. 

But kissing Lexa? It was the catalyst that Clarke had been waiting for. It was the sign telling her that it was OK to move on. It was the hope that she needed to guide her from the darkness, to make her see that she shouldn’t just be living for her son. She should be living for herself, too. She should be living for Finn because she knew he wouldn’t want her to give up just because he was gone. He was the absolute epitome of living every day like it was your last.

She couldn’t quite believe she was kissing Lexa, this gorgeous woman that was so striking and yet so soft, adorable with her head tilts and sweet smiles but so sexy with her lithe form and the delicate sway of her hips as she walked. This woman that scared her because she didn’t scare her. What a bundle of contradictions. Clarke barely knew Lexa and yet she had a feeling that Finn would approve of her.

They had exchanged a few gentle kisses in the time it had taken for her to feel all this and when Lexa pulled back a little, Clarke found herself roused from her thoughts. Heavy lidded eyes searched her own and when she noticed the entranced expression Lexa wore, she felt powerful knowing that she was the cause of the desire that filled every inch of that beautifully sculpted face. It was that which gave her the confidence she needed to kiss her again. In that moment she forgot that she barely knew this woman, she forgot about Finn, she forgot that she was a mother, and that Raven would be smug as hell when she heard about what had transpired between them. Hell, when Lexa opened her mouth a little into the kiss and their tongues brushed, Clarke almost forgot her own name. In that moment all that mattered was that Lexa wanted her, she could taste her desperation and the intimacy that her own boldness allowed woke her up. Suddenly she realised that she had been living with the volume turned down, life passing her by in dull colours and marred by disjointed pixels. When she found herself pushing Lexa against her car, moulding their bodies together, her hands working to pull them even closer, she was assaulted by all the sensory input she had been missing. 

Instead of letting it break her, Clarke channelled all of these feelings into kissing Lexa. She tangled one hand deep into those luscious curls as the other gripped tightly onto Lexa’s hip. She let Lexa wrap her arms behind her neck, she felt her smile into the kiss and hum into her mouth as she pushed harder against her. A tear burned down her cheek but she ignored it, focusing on the feeling of Lexa’s tongue against her own, the hands that had snuck up under her shirt and rested on her bare hips, and the thigh that had come to rest between her slightly parted legs.

It was Lexa who broke the kiss again, resting her forehead against Clarke’s as she struggled to regain her breath. She was grinning, their noses were brushing, and her eyes were still closed. Another tear was running down Clarke’s cheek but she didn’t notice.

“Come home with me,” Lexa breathed out, leaning forward to capture Clarke’s lips again. Clarke let the kiss happen but those words changed everything. If this incredibly intense make out session had begun in a bedroom, or a living room, or somewhere private, then Clarke could imagine that it would have been really easy to have sex with Lexa. She would have enjoyed it, lost herself in it, and then felt awful about it later. But she knew that now their kiss was broken that she couldn’t get back to that oblivion again. When Clarke didn’t speak, Lexa opened her eyes and suddenly Clarke was ashamed.

“Clarke, what’s wrong?” Lexa asked, her voice uncertain for the first time since they met. She pulled herself back a little in order to look at Clarke properly and she ran her thumb across her cheek, wiping at the tears that were starting to come faster. Clarke took hold of that hand, allowing herself to relish the way that Lexa’s fingers automatically tried to intertwine with her own, and stepped back so not a single inch of them was touching anymore. Only then did she drop her hand.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Clarke.”

“I’m not ready to be with anyone,” she said slowly, watching Lexa’s face intently. “Not yet.” She couldn’t help but add that because as much as she knew that what she said was true, she really wished it wasn’t. She also kind of added it for herself, to tell herself that it was OK to wait a little longer because she did actually see an end to her loneliness now. She just needed a little more time. This evening had given her what she needed in order to truly move on and that was the final thing that she had to do alone. She wasn’t sure how to explain this though. Lexa nodded, her expression unchanged, desire lingering in her eyes but lips turned down in a way that spoke of sadness. Clarke felt hollow in the knowledge that she caused that. 

“I should go,” Clarke said, taking a few more steps back. Lexa nodded again.

“If you ever find yourself ready, give me a call. I can promise you that I’m not going to be able to forget you any time soon, Clarke.”

The weirdest thing occurred to Clarke then, she wanted to thank Lexa. She could have said so many different things but tiredness hit her and she knew where she needed to go. Later she regretted just turning and walking away, not even looking back or saying goodbye. She was pretty sure she could feel Lexa’s eyes on her though, and she could definitely still feel the pressure of her kisses on her lips. Everything else was just numb.

 

*

 

Time moved ahead without Clarke as she sat on the swing in the darkness, her head leant against the chain, her feet scraping against the floor as she slowly rocked back and forth, back and forth. The only sound in the air was the occasional rush of a car going by, it was really late now so not many people were around. Since having little Finn, she hadn’t broken down like this and run off like she used to, she could never bear to leave him no matter how bad it got. This was always where she’d come as a teenager to hide from the world and sort through her mess of thoughts. It was the park she played in as a child, the park where she kissed Finn for the first time, it was where she ran to after her dad died, and it was where Finn had found her sat just as she was right then, her whole life shaken by the knowledge that she was pregnant. Of all the memories she had here, she thought that one was probably her favourite.

Finn was the only person that had ever known that she came here and every time she used to disappear he would come and find her. If it was someone else that noticed she was gone they would send him after her because he wouldn’t ever tell anyone where she went. If Clarke wanted to be found, he knew that’s where she would be and she always was because she always wanted Finn to find her. Even after he was gone, it was still to there that she ran. She could almost feel him as she remembered all the times he had sat on the swing next to her. She remembered how strange but exciting it had felt to kiss him for the first time when they were twelve. They were best friends and curious and that kiss had changed it all, pulling their destinies from merely parallel to being intertwined. She had never imagined that his destiny was to disappear so soon and leave her alone. But then again, he didn’t really leave her alone, did he? She had the most perfect part of him left with her. And that brought her back to her favourite memory in this park.

She had never been as terrified as she was when she saw the positive result of the pregnancy test she had taken. She had just started college without a real goal in sight, she was living in the dorms with an asshole of a roommate, she was overwhelmed and sad, and one night she’d gone to Finn for comfort. They had broken up over the summer like they had so many times before, this time because Clarke had gone away, their separation causing their relationship to fizzle out. But she was lost in this new world so she sought him out and once she was in his arms again she knew that was where she was supposed to stay. In her preoccupation with all the changes in her life she had forgotten a few of her birth control pills, a stressed Clarke was a disorganised Clarke, and so their reunion had created this tiny life inside her. A tiny life that made her feel like her own life was going to end. So she disappeared like she always did and Finn found her like he always promised he would. The words slipped out through her trembling lips and the way Finn’s face brightened, a smile that lit up his entire being as he took in the news, was the thing that made Clarke realise that it was going to be OK. Finn was home and he was safety and now he was gone. And that was why she was here, five years after the last time she came, back when she’d been weighed down with grief and the eight pound baby inside her. She was older and a little lighter with the way the grief had eased over the years but she still hadn’t let go. Not quite.

So she just sat there letting herself remember Finn. She let herself remember his gentle spirit and his kind heart. She almost laughed as she remembered the way he had fallen and split his lip when he was chasing her around this very swing set when they were seven. The kids at school thought someone had punched him and he had run off in a huff when they laughed at him. Clarke had found him sulking in a corner and was so proud when she managed to make him smile. She sighed as she remembered gawky fourteen year old Finn telling her that he loved her for the first time. They had been watching a football game at school and she was screaming at the players like a woman possessed, her throat raw, and she was leaping in the air over and over, all the madness building up around them until their team scored the final touchdown. He had grabbed her as she celebrated and kissed her hard, shouting his proclamation over the noise of the cheers from their classmates. She remembered birthdays, Christmases, parties, and prom. She remembered the lightness he instilled her with, she remembered how much he infuriated her with his calmness sometimes, the way his voice sounded when he called her ‘princess’, and how fiercely he had clung to her when he found out that he was going to be a dad. 

And finally she remembered how it felt to lose him and how his death had been so stupid. He was just trying to break up a fight at a party, typical Finn just _had_ to be the good guy and try to do the right thing. She was so mad at him for that for a long time. The guys were drunk and one of them punched him. He had gone down so fast and hit his head as he went, a fluke accident that you’d think would never happen to someone you loved. Clarke couldn’t help but remember all the blood coating her knees as she knelt next to him and watched his light slip away. He was only trying to help, he didn’t deserve that. _She_ didn’t deserve it, and neither did their son. She wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that she was there with him when it happened. Better for him, maybe. It still haunted her dreams.

Somehow the grief that had taken over her life was now just a steady pulse in the back of her mind, always there but no longer consuming. She knew what she had to take from this to move forward. She had to live because you really did just have no idea when it would all end. She couldn’t live being closed off anymore, only experiencing such a limited amount of things that life had to offer. Yes she was safe and comfortable in her tidy home with little Finn, Raven, and Octavia but she should be out in the world. She should be trying to find a job she was passionate about, she should be taking her son out into the world and showing him how miraculous it could be, she should be willing to let herself fall in love again.

She stood up finally, the last of the weight lifting from her shoulders as she did so. She knew Finn would always be with her, would always be a part of her, but she wasn’t going to let his absence haunt her anymore. She needed to fill that void, she needed to let him go. She looked around that park one final time, her eyes filling with tears as she spoke into the darkness.

“Goodbye, Finn.”

The only reply Clarke got was the rustling of the leaves in the trees as the wind blew coolly across her face. Losing Finn wasn’t the end of her story, it was merely the end of a chapter. As she stepped out of the park she was finally turning the page, a blissfully blank one lying there waiting for her to continue her story. It was scary but it was time.

 

*

 

After checking on little Finn when she got in, Clarke got herself comfy in her pyjamas. She stood and looked at her big and empty bed before walking out of her room and heading into Raven’s. Her room was at the front of the house and the streetlight outside lit it up enough for her to see vague outlines. She could see Raven’s small figure in the middle of the bed and another one curled in a ball next to her, it was Octavia. They had probably been worried about her. If either Clarke or Octavia were ever sad or stressed, they generally ended up in Raven’s bed with her. Raven was their rock and she was always down for spooning. Clarke crept up to the edge of the bed, slipping in next to Raven.

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice croaked out.

“Mhmm.” Clarke burrowed her head into the pillow, breathing in the familiar scent of Raven’s shampoo.

“It’s really late, are you OK?”

Clarke brought her head up to look at Raven, finding her friend’s eyes were open and catching the light from outside. She was frowning slightly.

“I will be.”

“How’d it go?”

“She kissed me.”

“She did?!” Raven’s whisper was urgent now, Clarke had banked on being able to lessen Raven’s reaction by ensuring that she wouldn’t be able to freak out about it if Octavia was asleep right next to her.

“Yeah, and then I kissed her.”

“WHAT?! Oh shit, I guess I owe Anya ten bucks.”

“Why? What did you bet on?”

“Anya bet me that you guys would kiss, well at first she suggested more but after I told her you hadn’t dated in years, she changed her stance. Anyway I said no way, Clarke wouldn’t kiss her on the first date either.”

“I don’t know if I would have if she hadn’t kissed me first.”

“You know, I can’t even be annoyed because holy shit, you kissed her, Clarke! How was it?”

“It was… Overwhelming. I kept thinking about Finn…”

“Oh, Honey.” Raven’s hand began stroking down her arm.

“I got carried away with the kiss, pushed her up against her car-”

“Holy shit, Griffin, you’re killing me here! I’m going to properly freak out on you tomorrow when Octavia’s awake because you know she’ll kill me if I wake her up. I fucking hate you right now but dude, I’m proud. My girl’s got gaaaaaaame!”

“Oh no, I seriously don’t. I pushed her up against her car, kissed the hell out of her, then when she invited me home with her I started crying and ran off. I didn’t even say goodbye.”

“ _Fuck_ , way to blow it. Are you going to see her again?”

“Maybe. I don’t know if she’d even want to see me after that. She told me I should call her when I’m ready but I must have looked crazy. But if I were to want to date soon, I think it would be her I’d want to go for it with.”

“I’m proud of you for trying, no matter how it ended, though.”

Clarke nodded, trying hard to stifle a yawn.

“Come on Princess-” Both Clarke and Raven flinched at her choice of word but tried to breeze past it. It had been her nickname for years and it was hard to break old habits, Clarke understood that. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt though, and not just her. They’d all been friends since they were young, it was a jarring reminder to everyone. “Uh, Griffin, let’s get you some sleep before that terror of yours wakes us up in a few hours.”

“Hey, he’s not a terror, he’s delightful!”

“Yeah, he is in the day, not at six a.m. when he and several of his dinosaurs are jumping on us.”

“You have a point.”

Raven leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Clarke’s forehead.

“Night Raven,” Clarke said turning over to face the edge of the bed.

“Night,” Raven replied as she moulded herself perfectly to Clarke’s body. “Shit, your feet are cold.”

“Sorry, but you love me, right?”

“More than anything.”

“Except me,” a groggy voice said from the far side of the bed.

“Except Octavia,” Raven added.

Clarke chuckled and snuggled into the duvet as Octavia wrapped herself around Raven, her hand coming to rest on Clarke’s side. Raven was a big fan of being a snug little bug sleeping between her two friends. They were all asleep within minutes, relieved to be back together again.


	2. I Built This Wonderland Drenched in the Colours of Your Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa tries, and fails, to forget Clarke all summer and her last hope is that her new job will be the ultimate distraction. She couldn't be more wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's read my first chapter and left kudos and comments, you have no idea how much it means to me! It's also been incredibly motivating, I don't think I've ever written quite as much in such a short space of time as I have since posting it the other day.
> 
> I just want to say that I'm sorry if Clarke's choice of name for her son was a little confusing, she has her reasons and it'll be touched on later. It shouldn't be too odd going forward, we'll be visiting Clarke's past a little more and then focusing on the present and the future, of which only one of the Finns is a part, so bear with me :) Little Finn is totally awesome, it's quite fun writing him, I have to say. I hope you grow to love him like I do.

Lexa’s lips hummed with the pressure of Clarke’s kisses for her entire drive home. Slipping over the threshold into her apartment she expected to feel relieved but the cold open expanse didn’t feel like home yet. It was much bigger than the studio apartment she’d had in New York and as such her precious few belongings did little to fill the multiple rooms she actually had now. 

The only thing that did make her feel a little better, however, was the sleek black cat that came sauntering up to her as she closed the door behind her. Lexa had lived alone ever since graduating college but she found Hades to be sufficient company. She liked the quiet and Hades was definitely that. He was a pain in the ass but Lexa could deal with that, he was entertaining at least. He wound around her ankles as she walked towards her bathroom, using his devious trick of trying to trip her up to get her attention. She relented and made a detour into the kitchen, pouring some of his food into his empty bowl and chuckling to herself as he began to munch, loud crunches permeating his incessant purring. She stroked along his back before heading off to take a shower.

The steady beat of the water against her skin replaced the buzz that had managed to spread its way across her entire body, unspent desire taunting her with the thought of never seeing the cause of it again. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she let the water careen down her face, vivid flashes from her encounter with Clarke flashing in technicolour behind her eyelids. Clarke’s smile, the way it lit up her eyes, her sleek blonde hair that had felt so good under her fingertips, excruciatingly soft lips that were reticent at first but quickly grew bold and revealed their skill. She could almost feel Clarke pressed up against her, her hands on the hot skin of her hips, their noses brushing, lips melding together, and tongues languidly brushing together. Lexa pulled her head out from under the jet and clawed the water from her eyes, making herself face the lonely reality of her bathroom. It didn’t do to dwell on the past or the unattainable. Clarke had said she’d call her but Lexa knew that she wouldn’t.

All she wanted to do was sleep and forget about her but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. The thought of lying in bed unable to sleep and wishing that Clarke had accepted her offer to come home with her was worse than the prospect of not sleeping at all. That was how she ended up sat on the couch all night with Hades curled up next to her and watching the least romantic movies she could find. She woke up at dawn after what must have been less than an hour of sleep with bold green eyes staring into her own and whiskers tickling her face. It was a sobering reality to wake up and find that your cat was your only company.

She knew she was being ridiculous moping over a woman she'd only just met so she decided it was time to get a grip. More importantly it was time to start building herself a life in D.C. She wasn’t going to hear from Clarke and she had to accept that.

It didn’t stop her from spending the next two weeks hoping that Clarke would call anyway though, no matter how busy she tried to keep herself. She knew she could easily get Clarke’s number through Anya but the flashes of sadness she’d seen in her eyes that night made her decide not to. She had said she wasn’t ready and Lexa was going to respect that. So instead of calling her, Lexa had to settle for just thinking about her instead. The only one that stood to get hurt was herself and she wasn’t so bothered about that.

She thought about Clarke as she trawled through the job listings online, growing more and more exasperated as she chastised herself for her hasty relocation. Daydreaming was a good way to break up the boredom and the anxiety, sometimes her imagination was much better than reality. Well, the majority of the time these days actually.

She thought about Clarke every time she saw her car, how in the hell was she ever supposed forget the way she had pushed her up against it, shoving her full of surprise and longing? Maybe she should get a new car, she’d had the same one for a while anyway… Wait, no, that was excessive. She couldn’t get rid of a car just because some woman she met once kissed her up against it… Could she? 

Lexa thought that maybe she was losing it. Her lack of an established life in D.C. really didn’t help her case, she had very little to distract herself with. Her thoughts were ruling her life but she was trying to combat them, she really was.

The thing that she tried hardest to avoid was the fact that she hadn’t dwelled on a woman in years. Lexa was more of a one time only kind of person, she rarely had the desire to sleep with anyone multiple times but something about Clarke made her feel that once wouldn’t suffice. How she could know that when she had done nothing more than kiss her she had no idea. It was weird and it was powerful and so Lexa decided it was time to forget. 

_No more nonsense, Lexa. Pull yourself together,_ she kept telling herself.

She tried her best, she really did, but her subconscious didn’t seem to get the message. She started dreaming of Clarke once the gorgeous blonde wasn’t occupying her thoughts during the day. Her nights were filled with chaste smiles and blazing blue eyes, hungry kisses that burned all over, and desire filling every inch of her. She awoke each morning with the ghost of Clarke’s lips against her own and she’d smother her face in her pillow, almost wishing she had never met Clarke. Why did she want the one woman she couldn’t have? Lexa was quite the masochist it seemed. 

So after the third night in a row of these torturous dreams, Lexa went to a bar a few streets from her apartment. She sat drinking red wine, her finger running around the rim of her glass, carefully painted lips sipping from it from time to time. She wore a soft expression on her face, throwing a casual half-smile to people that walked by. Her green eyes flicked around the room every so often, keeping watch for any potential distractions. As always when she went out, she got hit on by a few guys to whom she talked politely before turning them down. She really needed to find a gay bar to go out to, often it could be hard to shake straight guys. 

To her relief, a woman finally entered who she just had a feeling about, it was all in the walk and the shirt, well, the shirt especially just _screamed_ gay. Stereotypes only got you so far in life but Lexa found her gaydar to be pretty efficient, she wouldn’t have been nearly as successful in her conquests without it. She was proven right ten minutes later when the woman approached her. She tried to hide her relief with a seductive smile, she wouldn’t let any cracks show. It was part of the act, pretend to be emotionless and eventually you might start to believe that you are. She hoped it would work that way soon, anyway.

The woman was pretty and blonde but she couldn’t hold a candle to Clarke. Her laugh sounded a little hollow and her figure was too slight, her smile just wrong. But none of that was her fault.

Lexa took her home anyway. 

 

*

 

Lexa was curled up and cosy in her blanket on her favourite chair, perfectly content reading her book. She was lost in a world filled with fierce warriors and war when a laugh broke into her reverie. She peered over her book, remembering that Anya was sprawled out on her couch watching TV. They often spent time together doing separate things, they just enjoyed each other’s company. Lexa took the glasses from her face and rubbed the bridge of her nose before putting them back on again. She was getting tired and a quick glance at her watch told her that it was only seven o’clock. Stressing over finding a job was turning out to be rather tiring.

“Have you got any plans tonight, An?” Lexa asked as she closed her book, hoping that Anya would say that she did. She knew she couldn’t get away with a ludicrously early night if Anya was still lounging around in her apartment. She already thought she was boring enough, she didn’t need any more ammunition against her.

“Yeah, going to Raven’s.” 

Anya wasn’t really paying attention, her eyes were still fixed on the show she was watching. Her hand was tucked behind her head, her dark blonde curls falling around her face in a way that just wasn’t fair. Some people could pull off the scruffy sexy thing and Anya was one of those lucky few. She pretty much always looked as if she was about to walk onto a photoshoot yet nothing could be further from the truth. Lexa hadn’t actually ever known a woman to take any _less_ care with her appearance in day to day life than Anya, bar the necessary washing, obviously she did that. It was just a fact that she was effortlessly beautiful. Her high cheek bones and deep soulful eyes had a lot to do with it, Lexa reckoned. If she didn’t love Anya so much, she’d definitely hate her for that.

Lexa followed her gaze, taking in a few seconds of a rather dramatic fight scene before focusing back on Anya.

“So you guys are still hanging out then?”

“ _Obviously_.”

“Do you see her a lot?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Just at weekends or…”

“Why the third degree, Lex?” Anya’s tone was becoming more clipped but she still hadn’t turned her attention away from her show yet.

“Because you’re more interested in the TV than talking to me, you’ve barely said anything since you got here.”

“You like the quiet and you were reading. I’m all too familiar with the face you pull when I interrupt your reading.” 

Anya had her there.

“OK, fine, but I’m not reading now. I’m taking an interest in your life which you’re always telling me I don’t do enough. So, what do you and Raven do when you hang out?”

“Just play Mario Kart and stuff, nothing much. Sometimes we go out but mostly we just chill out at hers.”

“Huh.”

Lexa hesitated. She wanted to ask about Clarke but she knew she really _shouldn’t_ ask about her, she was finally not thinking about her on a regular- 

“Have you seen Clarke?” 

_So much for being over it._

Anya’s eyes finally detached from the TV and she scooted up into a sitting position, giving Lexa a questioning look. The way her eyebrow quirked up a little had nerves prickling along Lexa’s skin, she was wandering into dangerous territory. Anya always saw right through her and they both knew it. Lexa found it incredibly annoying. 

(Secretly she really liked that Anya noticed the little things because really, no one in her life ever did, certainly not her parents and there hadn’t been many other people that would have even tried.)

“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s her house too.”

“Right, of course.” Lexa dug her hand into her blanket and gripped at it. It was a little warm for it really but there was something incredibly comforting about being bundled up in it. In the summer she just wore shorts and a shirt when relaxing at home to compensate for this need of hers.

“She’s definitely as hot as Raven described, even when she’s just lounging around the house. I can only imagine how good she looked when you guys went out.”

Now that was something Lexa would love to see, relaxed Clarke in her home, all smiles and softness. Lexa frowned as her train of thoughts veered off course. She didn’t do domestic, not with other people anyway.

“Not helping,” Lexa said, trying her best to hold back a sigh. The quirk of Anya’s lips let her know that her friend hadn’t missed it. She pulled her face back to one more composed.

“Right, sorry. Sucks that it didn’t work out between you two, she’s pretty awesome.”

“Anya,” Lexa warned.

“Her kid’s pretty cool too.”

“Really?” That surprised Lexa. “You even don’t like kids.”

“I don’t like _most_ kids. Some are OK. Little Finn is an exception.”

“Little Finn?

“Yeah, that’s what they all call him, guess it’s just kind of a cute name for the little dude.”

“Oh, OK.”

“You could come and hang out with us sometime… Maybe tonight? I assume you haven’t got any plans?” Anya said, her dark eyes watching Lexa closely. Lexa hated it when she looked at her like that. She knew what she was trying to do and she wasn’t going to let it happen.

“No, that’s OK. I don’t think I’d be welcome.”

“Sure you would, you said you and Clarke had a good time, right?”

“We did until she told me she wasn’t ready and hightailed it out of there.”

“Right, right. Only a small problem! You could be friends though, surely? Then we could all hang out.”

“‘Friends’ was never really on the table.”

“Because you want to be more?”

“No, Anya, I don’t. It was one date. She’s attractive and I would have liked our night to continue past that kiss in the parking lot but that’s it. There’s nothing more to it.”

“So why have you been avoiding me since the date then?”

“What? I haven’t.”

“Oh come on, Lex. We both know that if I don’t see you for more than a week it means you’re avoiding your feelings so you have to avoid me because I make you face them.”

“I know no such thing. I’ve just been busy looking for a job.” Lexa began fiddling with the tassel on her bookmark, trying to ignore the way that Anya was frowning at her.

“Hmm. Sure. Well, tell me about the job search then. Any luck?”

“Not yet, I’ve sent out a lot of applications and had a few interviews but it’s really hard to find last minute teaching jobs just before a new school year. I’m probably going to end up being a substitute at this rate. But at least it’ll be a job.”

“I still can’t believe you just picked up and moved over here without any warning, that’s the most un-Lexa-like thing you could have done. I guess you really did miss me.”

Lexa just shrugged. She couldn’t even articulate how much she had missed Anya once she’d moved away. Anya had been her best friend for pretty much her entire life and she was the only person she was close to, ‘miss’ didn’t even come anywhere near what she had felt. But Lexa couldn’t talk about feelings and Anya knew that. Lexa could see that Anya knew what she couldn’t say in that moment and the warm smile that she received made her feel a little bit better in her vulnerability.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? You look like you could use a little fun. You’ve barely done anything but job hunt since you moved here.”

“It’s just a necessity, I’ll have more time for fun when I know I can afford it.”

“Yeah but this is free fun.”

Lexa sighed.

“Clarke said she wasn’t ready to date yet, having the woman that she recently made out with and then rejected in her house might not be the best idea right now. I want to respect that.”

Anya nodded.

“Alright, I get it. But call me if you need me OK, tonight or whenever. I don’t want you getting lonely.”

“I’m fine.” Anya gave her a stern look. “Alright, if I get lonely, I’ll call.”

“Good girl. I’d better go, Raven’ll bitch at me if I’m late.”

Anya heaved herself up of the couch and went to put on her shoes while Lexa wrestled with her thoughts. She stood up to see Anya out and gave her a quick hug, they’d always parted that way. Lexa chewed on her lip as she watched Anya walk down the hall away from her and just as she was about to round the corner, Lexa called out to her.

“Anya! Tell Clarke I say hi.” 

Anya turned and grinned at her, saluting her and backing around the corner. 

Lexa hated herself as soon as the words burst out of her but she figured it couldn’t hurt. She was just being friendly, extending a little olive branch to let Clarke know that she didn’t have any hard feelings over what happened or about the fact that Clarke never called. The only kind of feelings Lexa had towards Clarke were quite the opposite in fact, they were very _very_ soft and that was the whole problem. Once again she was back to questioning how in the hell one night with Clarke had broken through all of her barriers. How had she made her want more than her usual one night stand to quench the loneliness that had lingered deep inside her since she was seventeen?

And it was with all of those scary thoughts swirling around in her mind that she headed back into her apartment, got herself dressed up, and went back to that bar again. Lexa was nothing if not good at distracting herself from her feelings. Usually a book was a safe bet but when her thoughts were as persistent as they were tonight, only the feeling of another woman’s skin under her hands and soft lips against her own drowned them out enough for her to feel like she could breathe again.

 _Love is weakness_ she’d repeat to herself over and over. Because really, all it ever ended in was pain. She had many years of proof of that.

 

*

 

Lexa was barrelling headfirst into a state of panic when she finally got the call she had been waiting for a week later. With each passing day she was growing more terrified about her immediate future and also incredibly angry at herself for moving without a job lined up in the first place. Why didn’t she just stick it out at her old school while she applied for jobs in D.C.? It wasn’t like she’d hated it there, she actually really loved it. But somehow the fact that she missed Anya so much and the prospect of an entire summer to herself had seemed like the worst thing imaginable. She was utterly frustrated that she’d let her feelings get the better of her, she’d told herself so many times she wouldn’t let that happen again.

But her phone rang as she was pacing her apartment for the millionth time and the kind woman on the other end of the line told her the best news she’d ever heard. She was offered a job at the elementary school that was only a half an hour drive away, as a not just a substitute but a fully-fledged kindergarten teacher. She felt a little bad at how elated she was when she thought of how the job was only available because the previous teacher had suffered a massive heart attack. Lexa knew she won out over a lot of other candidates though so she couldn’t help but be a little impressed with herself. Plus, the old teacher was alive and recovering in hospital so it wasn’t quite as harsh as it seemed.

It was possible there was a lot of incredibly dorky dancing involved after she ended the call and she _may_ have even got up on the couch and jumped up and down for a bit, alarming Hades who had been blissfully snoozing nearby. He narrowed his beady eyes at her when she reached to grab him and squeezed him tightly. When he started to get claw-happy she put him down and quickly called up Anya, needing someone to celebrate with in lieu of her useless cat. Hades was relieved and stalked off to resume his nap on her bed, safely out of reach.

Lexa had to hold the phone away from her ear as Anya shrieked insanely at her and she couldn’t help but beam stupidly. The relief and happiness swelling in her heart was almost too much to bear. She knew Anya was starting to feel guilty that Lexa had left her whole life behind, even though she had assured her that it wasn’t her fault, so she knew this would all make Anya feel much better too. She invited her over for a pizza and movie night, finally feeling like she had made the right decision after all. Life was beginning to look up again, she had a job she loved and she had her best friend, it had been enough for her before and it could be enough again. In a couple of weeks’ time she could throw herself into teaching and Clarke would just become a distant memory.

Oh Lexa, little naïve Lexa, how wrong she was.

 

*

 

Lexa spent her last few weeks of summer planning lessons and coming up with ideas for activities for the kids. She studied her list of students’ names intently and read through all of the guidelines the school gave her over and over. Anya watched her work with amusement, she found Lexa’s efficiency and borderline obsessive tendencies rather entertaining.

It took five attempts before Lexa felt like she had found the perfect outfit to wear to on her first day. The school didn’t have a strict dress code and it being an elementary school meant it was even more relaxed than others. She settled on a green plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, black jeans, and some boots. She knew she could come off as a little cold and official with her literal speech and unaffected tone and she wanted to look as approachable as possible to the kids. She was good at being softer with them but sometimes her nerves got the better of her. She scraped the hair from her face and tied it back, leaving the rest to run riot in its all its wild glory. The final touch was her satchel neatly hung over her shoulder and she gazed in the mirror briefly before leaving the house. She fiddled with the keys in her hands, pulled in a deep breath and gazed into her own eyes.

“You’ve got this. This is what you wanted. You can do it.”

A meow from behind her made her turn around. Hades was blinking up at her, bright green eyes staring straight into her soul. It was unusual for him to meow and it made her smile.

“Thanks buddy, I’ll see you later.” She reached down and scratched behind his ear, causing him to start purring and lean into her hand. He gave her a disdainful look as she left, apparently he had got quite used to her company and having her at his beck and call all of the time. 

Lexa learned the worst possible route to take to work that morning and she was fretting as she sat in traffic, fingers tapping in irritation as her anxiety built inside her. She just wanted to be in her new classroom preparing, she knew once she was back in control she would be fine. 

_You wouldn’t have got the job if you couldn’t do it, you’re a good teacher._

She repeated this over and over in her head and by the time she pulled up in the almost empty parking lot, she finally believed it. 

 

*

 

Lexa was cleaning the already pristine whiteboard when she heard her classroom door open for the first time. She was just about to turn around and greet who she assumed was her first student when a voice broke through the quiet, making her feel as if she had just been given a shock as all of her synapses seemed to fire at once.

"Hello?"

She knew that voice, that gorgeous, slightly husky voice that had been plaguing her thoughts for the last month and a half. Her hand stopped mid-scrub and she froze for a second before willing herself to turn around, to confirm that she was actually going crazy and she was just hearing what she wanted to hear.

She felt as if she took a ludicrously long time to turn around, she must have looked so stupid, like she was in slow motion or something. She sucked in a breath as her heart launched ahead in a sprint at the absurd appearance of Clarke in her classroom, how was it even possible that she was there? Clarke’s mouth was hanging open in what Lexa assumed was shock, part of an expression that must have been very like the one she knew was on her own face. Clarke was just wearing loose jeans and a hoodie, hair thrown in a ponytail, but somehow she was even more beautiful than Lexa remembered. She was completely enamoured all over again and she willed herself to speak, jaw moving uselessly as if she were a fish flopping around out of the water. 

A sweet and small voice roused her from her ridiculousness and both women turned to look at the little boy stood next to Clarke, his hand in hers.

“Miss Woods?” The little boy asked, his wide eyes alight with curiosity. Lexa started forward, feeling bad that she had completely blanked her first student. _Not a great start._

“Yes, that’s me, and you’re Finn, right?”

The boy nodded, glancing up at his mom briefly before looking back at Lexa.

“Yuhuh, I’m Finn Jacob Griffin but you can call me little Finn, everybody calls me little Finn.”

Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle at the frank way Finn spoke and she was definitely impressed by his confidence. In the brief silence that followed, Lexa looked at Finn and noticed the shirt he was wearing. There was a picture of a t-rex on it and it said ‘do you think-it-saurus?’ There was more writing at the bottom but she couldn’t quite read it from that distance. Her eyes flicked back to Clarke.

“You’re… You’re Alexandria Woods?” Clarke said, finally finding her voice. 

“Yeah, I mean I don’t go by Alexandria anymore but it’s still legally my name.”

“I… I got the letter about the change in teacher but it never occurred to me… I mean, I know you’re a teacher but…”

“It’s OK Clarke, I’ve studied my class list hundreds of times and I didn’t even realise that the Finn I had down was your Finn.”

“Mommy, why does Miss Woods know your name? Are you friends?”

“You remember Raven’s friend Anya, right?”

Finn nodded, big brown eyes looking up at Clarke.

“Yeah, I like Anya, she plays dinosaurs with me. She sucks at Mario Kart though.” 

Lexa tried not to laugh, she loved kids and the hilarious things they came out with. She was definitely going to tease Anya about this later.

“Well, Miss Woods is friends with Anya. We met once.”

“Oh, OK. So when will the other kids get here?”

“We’re a little early but soon, I think.”

“Hey Finn, how about you go and check out the story corner over there,” Lexa pointed to the far side of the classroom, “While I talk to your mommy, OK?”

“Sure thing Miss Woods! Is that OK?”

Clarke knelt down next to Finn and smoothed his hair down with her hand, brushing more firmly over the back where an unruly cluster was defying gravity with impressive determination. 

“Yes, you can go. Be a good boy, alright? You’ll have a great time, I promise. I’ll be back to get you later.”

“OK, Mommy. I’ll be alright, you know. I like school. I can show the other kids my dinosaurs, they always like my dinosaurs.”

Clarke chuckled and Lexa saw a sad expression on her face, it reminded her of the one she’d seen that evening they’d spent together. Finn obviously saw it too and he threw his arms around her neck, stroking her hair as she clung tightly onto him. 

“Can I go now?” He asked when Clarke finally released him from her embrace. She stood up and brushed a tear from her cheek as she pulled a big smile onto her face. It almost looked genuine but Lexa was quite the expert at faking emotions, she wasn't convinced by it. Luckily Finn was too little to notice, he just beamed back up at his mom.

“Of course, little man, I love you.”

He was already half way across the classroom as he called back to her.

“I love you too!”

Lexa watched as he plonked himself on the carpet, sitting on his cute little converse-clad feet, and started perusing the bookshelf before she turned back to Clarke. Clarke’s eyes were still fixed on her son and her bottom lip was threatening to wobble. Lexa was torn. Part of her felt like she was intruding on an emotional moment, the other part of her wished with a crazy intensity that she could comfort her. However, she knew she couldn’t, she knew better than to overstep, so she decided to do the best she could with words instead.

“I’ll take good care of him, I promise. It’s always hard letting your kid go to school for the first time. At least he is taking it so well. I can guarantee you that several of his classmates will scream the place down when their parents leave them.”

Clarke finally flicked her eyes to Lexa, they were brilliantly blue but were now slightly bloodshot. It did little to dull their beauty but it made Lexa’s heart hurt.

“He’s such a brave kid, he’s never scared. It’s kind of amazing.”

“I can tell you’ve done a great job raising him.”

Clarke fidgeted for a few seconds and stared at her feet before speaking again and raising her eyes to meet Lexa’s. 

“Listen, Lexa, I’m really sorry-”

Lexa held up her hand, she didn’t want to make this day about her. This day was hard enough for Clarke, she didn’t need to be thinking about anything else.

“Clarke, you don’t have to apologise for anything.”

“I shouldn’t have run off like I did though.”

“It’s OK, I understand.”

“How can you? You have no idea why I ran away.” Clarke looked so despondent.

“No, but as someone who has done a fair amount of running away in her life, I can sympathise.”

Clarke shook her head.

“I should have called.”

“No, you shouldn’t have, not if you weren’t ready. You really don’t have to worry about me, I’ve been busy preparing for school anyway, it’s probably best I didn’t have any distractions.” Lexa was lying, _god_ she was lying with that last sentence but she wanted to make Clarke feel better. She hated seeing anyone look so sad and when it was Clarke it was even worse. “Besides, I’m your son’s teacher, it’s probably better that things ended before they even really began. It could get a little… Weird.”

Clarke bit her lip and nodded, shoving her hands in her pockets.

“You’re probably right.”

“I often am.” Lexa smiled and was glad when Clarke’s lips tried to pull up a little in response. 

Clarke took a small piece of paper out of her pocket and held it out to Lexa.

“Here, I want you to… I mean, I wanted to give little Finn’s teacher my number in case anything happens. If he needs me or whatever, just give me a call.”

“Clarke, they have all of your information in the office.”

“I know but I want you to have it, I mean, his teacher. I want his teacher to have it. Just in case.”

Lexa nodded, she’d had her fair share of overprotective parents in the past and she found it was just easier to agree with them to ease their qualms. In a few weeks Clarke would relax and realise that her son was going to be absolutely fine, Lexa was sure of it. She reached out and took it from her, being very careful to not let their fingers touch. They stood in front of each other for a few seconds longer, the silence a little awkward. Thankfully a giggle permeated their discomfort and they both turned to look at Finn who was grinning into a picture book.

“He’ll be fine, Clarke, I promise.”

“I know.”

“You will be, too.”

Clarke tore her gaze away from Finn and their eyes locked again. The softness in Clarke’s expression made Lexa feel vulnerable and she was caught completely off-guard. She knew her first day of work was going to be full of emotions, mostly stress-related, but this she had not banked on. She was lost in the sea of Clarke’s eyes for a moment before Clarke spoke again.

“Thanks.” 

Lexa swore her voice cracked a little on that single syllable and she found herself wanting to reach out to her again so instead she clutched her hands behind her back. She nodded her head and smiled.

“I’m here to help make this transition as smooth as possible, and not just for the kids.”

“Well he’s doing OK so I guess I should go.”

“Yes, the others should be here soon. We’ll see you later, Clarke. He really will be fine.”

Clarke nodded. 

“Bye, little man!” She called out across the room.

“Bye Mommy!” Finn shouted back, not looking up from his book. 

Lexa held up her hand in farewell and Clarke gave her a tight-lipped smile before she left the classroom. She barely had the time to catch her breath before a wave of children poured into the room and the chaos of her life as a teacher started right back up again. After a few hours it felt as if she’d been teaching there for years.


	3. It's a Brand New Day, It's Never too Late to Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries, and fails, to be cool and little Finn causes an awkward conversation in class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you wondering, yes this story will be told from both Clarke and Lexa's points of view. For now it will switch with each chapter but it may start switching within chapters depending on who's perspective a certain scene is better from.  
> I really am enjoying writing little Finn, kids say the funniest things! I've been somewhat inspired by my four younger brothers who have said countless hilarious things over the years :)  
> Feel free to let me know what you think!

Clarke was an utter mess by the time she got home a little while later. She had already known that it was going to be a hard day sending little Finn off to school for the first time but then having Lexa thrown at her when she hadn’t expected it had really caught her off-guard. She had thought about calling her so many times over the summer but the longer she had left it, the more nervous she felt about it and also the weirder she thought she’d look. Lexa had probably forgotten all about her, how embarrassing would that be, calling her up to only have Lexa be like “Clarke who?” Clarke had shuddered at the thought and in the end just didn’t call. (Of course she could have texted but that was just as terrifying. And what if Lexa did actually want to meet up with her again? Could she even handle that?)

She barrelled in the front door, hating that she was the only one of her friends that didn’t have a job to go out to. Without Finn around now she wasn’t going to have much company. She really needed to talk to someone and she decided to gamble and go with Raven, she was more likely to be able to talk at work than Octavia was. Raven was at the top of her most recent calls list and she clicked on her name, putting the phone up to her ear as she started pacing the rather spacious hallway. Raven started speaking as soon as the call connected.

“He’s going to be fine, Clarke.”

“I know but y-”

“You’re going to be fine too. Now you can start working on your own life again instead of focusing just on him. We’ve talked about this-”

“Raven!”

“You can start taking more commissions on your art or maybe go back to school-”

“Raaaaveeeeeen!”

“You could even use your time to make an online dating profile, I bet there are loads of other bored stay at home moms that could fill your time. Or dads, you never know! Or just jobless lazy-”

“I swear to god, Raven, if you don’t let me talk I’m gonna-”

“Whoa there, I’m sensing some hostility, I thought you’d be sad, not angry!”

“I was sad but now I’m mad because _you’re not listening to me_!”

“Oh shit dude, I’m sorry. I normally know what you’re going to say before you say it. I figured I’d save us some time, my bad.”

Clarke sighed, she couldn’t stay mad at Raven for long, she was too entertaining.

“It’s fine but you’re gonna want to hear this and there’s no way you’re gonna guess what happened.”

“OK, I’m in, what happened?”

“Well I met little Finn’s teacher because, you know, I wanted to check her out and make sure she was alright-”

“Of course you did.”

“Well yeah, I’d met the one he was supposed to have, you’re supposed to meet your kid’s teacher before the year starts, but then they got assigned a new one… Anyway, I went in there ready to scope her out and it was _Lexa_.”

“Hold on, Lexa?!”

“Yup.”

“As in Anya’s best friend Lexa?”

“The very one.”

“Lexa who you kissed the crap out of, cried in front of, and then ran away from?”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Yes, thank you for the reminder, Raven. That’s really what I needed right now.”

“I’m just trying to get my facts straight here.”

“Anya never mentioned where Lexa worked?”

“No, I mean she mentioned Lexa was looking for a job when I kept trying to get her to bring her over here with her-”

“You did what?!”

“Stop changing the subject Clarke, jeez. Anyway, she mentioned that Lexa got a job as a teacher but she didn’t mention the name of the school otherwise I would have totally known about it.”

“Can we go back to you trying to get Lexa to come over here?”

“Um, no?”

“Raven!”

“I should get back to work.”

“No you shouldn’t, you should tell me what you were plotting! Spit it out Reyes, you little shit.”

“Whoa whoa, I’m not appreciating the tone here!”

Clarke scoffed.

“Oh please, you love it when I get feisty.” Clarke swore she could almost hear the grin in Raven’s voice. She knew exactly what it would look like.

“Alright, whatever.”

“So why were you trying to get Lexa to come here?”

Raven sighed.

“Because I wanted you to see her again.”

“I told you I wasn’t ready!”

“You told me you were almost there and I was hoping that a little time was enough to get you there. I thought maybe you were just too nervous to call her.”

“Well I was-”

“Aha!”

“Wait, I’m not finished. I _was_ too nervous to call her but that’s how I knew I _wasn’t_ ready.”

“Dude, everyone’s nervous when they call up someone they like to try and ask them out, it’s totally normal.”

“Yeah, but not to this degree.”

“Yuhuh, probably! It’s scary sticking your neck out there, especially when you’ve not dated in so long.”

“Well it’s too late now anyway, she’s my son’s teacher, I can’t date her. That would be way too weird, not to mention completely confusing for little Finn.”

“You know, actually kids are surprisingly pliable and accepting of all sorts of things. People don’t really give them enough credit.”

“Yes, thank you for that, I’d like to think I understand children a little having raised one myself quite successfully for the last five years.”

“Well I raised him too and I bet he would be fine with it. He’s never batted an eyelid at my various girlfriends and boyfriends over the years, that kid’s just happy if we’re happy.”

Clarke smiled.

“He is, isn’t he? He’s such a good boy. I miss him.”

“I know you do. But hey, you can feel better knowing that someone you know is taking care of him, right? Lexa’s a good person, that’s got to help?”

“Yeah, it kind of does.”

“Well that’s something at least.”

“Yeah.”

Clarke let her mind wander a little until Raven called her back.

“Clarke, you OK?”

“Yeah, I think so. It’s just… It’s going to be hard seeing her every day, I think. She looked so fucking _good_ , Raven. It’s just unfair.”

“I’ve only seen pictures since she refuses to hang out with us but if they’re anything to go by, I feel your pain.”

“She looked so smart and conservative when I first met her, completely gorgeous as well, but today she looked so different. Softer, she looked so much softer. Her hair was more natural, much more wild, and she was wearing this green plaid shirt that made her look just ugh, _so good_. And I finally got to see that her eyes are this deep deep green, like I didn’t even know people really had green eyes. It was too dark in the bar to tell what colour they were but shit, they’re so beautiful.”

“Uh oh.”

“Uh oh?”

“Yeah, uh oh. You’ve got it bad, girl.”

“I… I can’t have it bad, I met this woman once like six weeks ago and then just had a five minute conversation with her.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t take much.”

“But she’s my son’s teacher.”

“Forbidden fruit apparently tastes better.”

“But what if I’m not ready?”

“How will you know if you don’t try?”

“She probably thinks I’m unstable or something, I don’t think she’d want to date me anyway.”

“Was she friendly when you spoke to her?”

“Yeah, she was really nice actually. She reassured me when I was reticent about leaving little Finn. And I even managed to apologise for bailing on her-”

“What did she say to that?”

“She told me that I didn’t have anything to be sorry for, she told me it was probably for the best now that we’ve found out she’s little Finn’s teacher.”

“It sounds like she’s trying to make herself feel better about all of this. I reckon she likes you.”

“What do you know, you’ve never even met her.”

“True but…”

“But what?”

“I’m not allowed to say.”

“What?! You’re not allowed to hold out on me, we’re best friends!”

“Sorry, no can do.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“Nope.”

“Well that settles it then, Lexa is little Finn’s teacher and that’s all she’s ever going to be.”

“Oh shit, Clarke, that’s not fair.”

“Neither is you keeping secrets from me.”

“Touché.”

“I should let you get back to work.”

“I… Clarke, if I tell you this, you’d better not tell Anya. Or Lexa. I’ll be a mess of body parts on the floor if they ever find out I told you.”

“I swear I won’t say a word.”

“Fine, fine, you’ve twisted my arm.” Clarke grinned, she knew how easily Raven broke when it came to her. “Anya reckons Lexa really likes you.”

“Really? That’s it?”

“That’s good intel! They’re best friends!”

“But did Lexa actually tell Anya that?”

“Well no, but she’s been moping about a lot and refusing to talk about stuff.”

“She’s just moved to a new place, she probably doesn’t have a lot of friends here. It makes sense she’d be a little reserved.”

“All the more reason that we should do what I was trying to in the first place, we should invite her over sometime. I bet she’d come if it was you inviting her.”

Clarke tried to imagine Lexa in their house, sitting on their couch, would she want to sit next to her? Oh god, what was she, some love-struck teenager? This was ridiculous.

“Reyes!” A deep voice called from somewhere on Raven’s end of the line.

“Shit, I gotta go, Sinclair is back. We’re going to continue this later, I’m still not giving up on you. I’ll see you tonight, OK?”

“Alright.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too, you ass.”

“Well now that was just uncalled for.”

“Go back to work.”

“Alright, alright, I’m gone, see ya later.”

The line went dead and Clarke finally stopped pacing. She stood staring at her phone for a minute, considering her options, before going to flop down on the couch. It wasn’t even ten o’clock yet and she already felt exhausted.

 

*

 

Clarke was determined to make a better impression on Lexa when she went to pick up Finn that afternoon. In the morning she had been rushing around making sure he was ready in time, packing and repacking his bag to ensure he had everything he could possibly need and making him his lunch, she didn’t have time to take care over getting herself ready. She was normally happy in comfy clothes but with Lexa looking so goddamn good right in front of her, she had felt like a slob. It was ridiculous but she wanted to look a little nicer. Not because she wanted to date her, no, but because she wanted to… Well, just because she wanted to. 

She changed into some tighter jeans and a more flattering shirt, pulling her hair out of the band and letting the waves tumble down to her shoulders. Makeup seemed like a lot of effort so she settled for a little mascara and some lip balm, sometimes less was more. She didn’t want to look like she was trying, she didn’t want Lexa to get the wrong impression after all. Lexa was her son’s teacher and she had already said that they shouldn’t date. 

While she had been waiting for the hours to pass Clarke couldn’t help but consider Raven’s proposal. Maybe they could just be friends. She really had enjoyed just being around Lexa and talking to her, she seemed like a genuinely nice person. She was sure Lexa could use more friends if she moved here to be closer to Anya and had since just been focused on work. Clarke decided to keep that door open, it was a possibility.

She was anxious for two reasons as she pulled up outside the school for the second time that day. The first was that she really couldn’t wait to see Finn again and the other strangely overwhelming reason was that she was intrigued to see Lexa again. She was determined to keep her cool this time and not almost cry in front of her like she had the first two times they had met.

Most of the parents stood waiting out on the playground for the kids but Clarke couldn’t help her curiosity and she headed into the classroom to go and meet Finn herself. The kids were pouring out of the open door and she peered across them all to find her son. She could see him tidying up some paints on the far table, talking to another little boy as Lexa sat at her desk keeping an eye on the two of them. As she walked further into the room, Lexa was the first one to notice her presence. She felt warm under her gaze and she didn’t miss the smile that tugged at Lexa’s lips.

“Clarke,” she said softly, standing up. At the mention of his mom’s name, Finn looked up.

“Mommy!” He exclaimed, running across the room and flinging his arms around her middle. She placed her hands on his shoulders to pull him closer, feeling much more content in having him back with her. The peaceful moment didn’t last long though, he stepped away from her and took her hand, pulling her along to his table.

“Hey, little man, did you have a good day?”

“Yeah yeah, I made a friend, come and meet my friend.”

Clarke caught Lexa smiling at them in her periphery and ducked her head, smiling herself.

“Alright buddy, I’m coming.”

“Mommy, this is James Murphy, he likes cars and trucks the best but when I told him about dinosaurs he said he thinks they’re pretty cool too!”

“Wow, that’s awesome,” Clarke said, looking at the boy Finn had just sat next to. He looked up at her nervously with bright blue eyes, his floppy brown hair falling into them. He pushed it back impatiently.

“Hello, Miss Griffin,” he said politely.

“Hi James, you can call me Clarke.”

“Clarke?” A voice said behind her. It was a man’s voice, one she recognised but couldn’t place. She turned around to find a guy she went to school with, John Murphy, walking into the classroom. He had been one of the quiet loner types but she always kind of liked him, he never took any shit and she admired that about him.

“Wait a minute, James Murphy? He’s your son?”

A woman came to stand next to Murphy and frowned up at him.

“Yeah, that’s my boy. And this is my wife, Emori. Emori, Clarke and I went to high school together.”

“Right, small world, huh?” Emori’s face was soft, her smile genuine, and Clarke decided she liked her already.

“Uh, not really, I mean, this is the town we grew up in,” Clarke said, her eyes flicking briefly to Lexa who had sat back at her desk and was watching them with interest. James had got up and gone to stand between his parents.

“Mommy, Daddy, that’s my friend Finn,” he said to them, pointing over to Finn who was sat grinning in his tiny chair. Clarke’s heart leapt in her chest. She hadn’t seen Murphy since junior year but everyone knew all about her relationship with little Finn’s dad, they had been rather popular. She wondered if he’d heard about…

“Finn?” Murphy said, frowning.

“Yeah.”

“Is he Finn Collins’s boy?”

Clarke nodded.

“Ah man, Clarke, I heard about that and I’m really sorry. I moved away just before senior year, I don’t know if you remember, but I heard about it from Bellamy, we still talk sometimes.”

“When did you move back?” She really didn’t want to talk about Finn, not in a room full of people she didn’t know very well. She moved to stand behind little Finn, feeling better with him close by. She didn’t dare look at Lexa. 

“A few months ago my grandfather passed and left us his house, we hadn’t managed to find a permanent place yet so we thought we’d move back here so James could be settled before he started school.”

“Oh, that’s really great. I mean, I’m sorry about your grandfather but I’m glad you have a nice place.”

“Yeah, thanks Clarke. Maybe we can arrange a playdate for the boys sometime?”

“That’d be good, it looks like they’re already best friends.”

Murphy smiled and Clarke didn’t really like what she saw in it, it was pity. She knew he was trying to be nice but she hated having to deal with Finn’s death over and over again.

“Anyway, we should get going, it was good seeing you again, Clarke. I guess we’ll see you soon.” Murphy said.

“You will.” Clarke nodded, trying her best to smile politely.

“Come on James, grab your things,” Emori said to her son.

“Alright Mommy,” he replied, running over to the cubbies and pulling out his rucksack. His parents started to head out of the room and he called over to Finn as he was leaving.

“Bye Finn!”

“Bye James!”

Clarke just stood with her hand on Finn’s shoulder until the three Murphys left the room and when they were gone she sank into the chair next to him. Her knees practically reached her chin the chair was so tiny but she barely noticed.

“You know James’s daddy?”

“We went to school together.”

“Wow, that’s cool.”

“Yeah.”

“And he knew Daddy? Were they friends?”

“Not close friends but everyone liked your daddy, he was nice to everyone.”

“I want to be like that.”

Clarke smiled.

“You already are, my sweet boy,” she said softly, running her hand over his hair. He gave her a pleased smile before standing up again and finishing putting the paint tubes in the box on the table.

“Finn, you don’t have to do that,” Lexa said, making Clarke look up, she had almost forgotten she was there. Clarke felt as if part of her had been shifted into the past seeing Murphy again but when her eyes met the mesmerising green of Lexa’s she was back in the present, grateful for their warmth.

“That’s OK Miss Woods, I’m almost done.”

He picked up the box and walked across the classroom with it to put it away. Clarke was surprised when Lexa came and sat in the tiny chair next to hers.

“He’s such a great kid, Clarke, and so bright too. I haven’t had a much of a chance for one-on-one time with him yet but from what I can tell he’s way ahead of all of the others. He’s quite remarkable.”

Clarke watched her son fiddling around in the cupboard trying to get everything to fit in.

“He really is.”

“Are you… Are you OK?”

Clarke looked back at Lexa. She looked a little more dishevelled than she had that morning, she had a few splashes of paint on her shirt and her hair seemed to have grown more unkempt but she still looked beautiful.

“No, well yeah, I am. But I’m annoyed.”

“Annoyed? Because of James’s dad? I couldn’t help but overhear that you two went to school together?”

“Yeah we did, but no, it’s not that. It’s just…” Clarke shook her head.

“What is it?”

“It’s stupid.”

“I bet it’s not.”

“Oh trust me, it is.”

“Well trust _me_ , I don’t mind, even if it is. Which I bet it isn’t.”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the playful way that Lexa’s lips were quirking up. There was sincerity in her expression though and for the second time Clarke was amazed at how safe Lexa made her feel.

“OK, well both of the times I’ve met you before this I’ve been an emotional mess and I really wanted to… I really wanted to come off cool when I came back here this afternoon and I totally failed.”

Lexa cocked her head for a moment as she considered Clarke’s words. Clarke could feel the embarrassment pooling on her cheeks and she put her face in her hands.

“I sound like a stupid teenager, I know.”

Clarke squeezed her hands so tightly over her eyes that she saw stars but her head quickly snapped up when she heard Lexa laughing. She was completely ready to go on the defensive but when she caught sight of the softness in Lexa’s face, she instantly knew that she wasn’t being mocked.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of adorable?” Lexa said gently.

Clarke took in a breath as Lexa shook her head, whether it was at herself or Clarke she couldn’t tell. A pretty spill of colour spread onto Lexa’s cheeks and she chewed at her bottom lip as she waited for Clarke to answer her.

“Uh…”

“Well, you are. Having emotions doesn’t make you uncool, Clarke.”

“It makes me feel uncool.”

“Well I think you’re cool, alright?”

“Not as cool as you.”

“OK, now you sound even younger than a teenager, more like one of my students. How about this? If I’m cool then I must be a good judge of what’s cool, right? Then if I say you’re cool, you have to believe me.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Takes one to know one.”

Clarke shoved Lexa’s arm, feeling so much lighter as they both laughed. Finn was walking back over to them and he stopped a few feet away, puzzled.

“You two look so silly on those chairs, you’re too big.”

That just made them laugh even harder.

 

*

 

Somehow the school runs became Clarke’s favourite part of the day. Over the next few weeks Clarke couldn’t help but look forward to seeing Lexa again. Most days they didn’t get a chance to really talk, the kids obviously monopolised Lexa’s time, or concerned parents did, and on those days Clarke was content with the sweet smile Lexa would give her before turning her attention back to whatever she was doing. Raven bugged her for a while about inviting Lexa over but eventually she dropped it. She’d said it enough times that she knew Clarke was mulling it over in her mind. She was almost ready and they both knew it. 

Little Finn was settling into his class really well and he seemed to love Lexa as his teacher which only made Clarke warm to her more. 

“What did you do at school today?” Clarke asked him one evening towards the end of September. They were sat at the dinner table with Raven and Octavia eating pasta, Finn having trouble trying to keep the squirmy pieces on his fork. He kept on stabbing as he spoke, his little forehead creased in concentration.

“We talked about mommies and daddies today.”

Clarke swallowed her mouthful of food and looked up at her friends. They both gave her encouraging smiles.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Lydia Miller-Green has two daddies and some of the other kids said it was weird.”

“Oh.”

“But don’t worry, I told them it’s not weird, it’s awesome. I said she’s really lucky to have two daddies because I don’t have my daddy anymore.”

“Did you tell them why?”

“Yeah, no one else’s daddy is gone like mine though. Miss Woods told me I didn’t have to talk about it but I told her it’s OK ‘cause sometimes it feels like I have three mommies so I have lots of parents.”

“Three mommies?” Clarke asked, looking at the amused expressions on Raven and Octavia’s faces.

“You feel like we’re your mommies too?” Octavia asked, looking surprised but kind of pleased.

“Yeah, sometimes. You make me dinner and tell me to wash my hands better and put me to bed sometimes, that’s what mommies do, isn’t it?”

“I guess you kind of do have three mommies then, huh buddy?” Raven said.

“Yuhuh. But the other kids didn’t understand. They asked if some were step mommies or lesbian mommies.”

Raven put her hand over her mouth and tried to stifle a giggle. Clarke shot her a look, very intrigued as to where her son was going with this conversation.

“And what did you tell them?”

“I said I only have one real mommy, the other two are just my mommy’s friends that we live with, but my mommy and Raven are biiiii-bisexual? Which means I might have even more mommies one day… Or maybe daddies, I guess.”

Now that sent Raven over the edge and she just burst into a fit of giggles. Octavia looked at her and tried to hold back her own laugh before looking back at Finn. Honestly, sometimes kids were better entertainment than TV.

“And did they know what bisexual meant?”

“Nope but Miss Woods knew.”

“And she told them?”

“I dunno, maybe. James was showing me this toy car he had in his pocket and I forgot to listen to the next bit.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled over at her son.

“Can I go upstairs? I don’t want anymore,” Finn said, putting his fork down.

“Sure kiddo.”

Once he was gone, Raven started laughing again.

“Oh man, what I’d give to have been able to witness that conversation!”

“He’s too clever for his own good, that boy,” Octavia said.

“I really hope he didn’t make Lexa uncomfortable. I bet it was awkward having to explain sexuality to a mostly clueless bunch of five year olds,” Clarke said. She was definitely going to have to talk to Lexa tomorrow. A surprisingly big part of her was excited at the prospect.

“Hey, at least he was sticking up for the kid with the gay dads, he’s so kind and thoughtful,” Raven said. She hesitated, taking in a deep breath before speaking again. “He’s getting more like his dad every day.” 

They were all quiet for a moment as those words settled around them. Clarke looked at her hands, the emotion between them making the air seem tight and uncomfortable. When she felt like she could handle it, she met Raven’s eyes again and was surprised to see tears glistening in them. She smiled.

“He really is.”

 

*

 

When Clarke put little Finn to bed that night, he looked up at her, his gaze sombre.

“Is it OK that I talked about Daddy at school?”

Clarke smiled softly as she tucked him in, making sure his favourite dinosaur was snuggled in next to him.

“Of course it’s OK, he’s your dad, you can always talk about him.”

“You get sad when I do though.”

She reached out and smoothed his hair, looking into those gorgeous brown eyes. The ghost of his father echoed in those irises and she sighed. When he was born he’d had dark hair and blue eyes, she’d read that a lot of babies did. But over time his eyes darkened and his hair lightened and one day she looked at him and she could see his dad in those soulful eyes. She’d been so overwhelmed for the first few weeks of his life that she hadn’t even given him a name, she mostly just called him ‘little man’, but she finally made her decision that day. With those brown eyes gazing up at her, she just knew his name was Finn. She wanted him to have her last name but he needed to have a part of his dad too. She knew some people thought it was weird, and it could get a little confusing, but it had just seemed right. The way the people she was closest to smiled when she told them of her choice let her know it was a good one. The older he got, the more he just proved to her that Finn was the perfect name for him. It was hard to say at first, harder than she ever could have anticipated, but eventually it actually helped her deal with her grief. But little Finn was right, she did still get sad when people talked about his dad.

“I know buddy, it’s just because I miss him.”

“Can I miss him too, even though I never met him?”

“You can, that’s OK. He loved you before you were even born.”

“And I love him even though he’s gone.”

Clarke could feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes.

“I know little man, I love him too.”

“Do you think I’ll ever have another mommy or daddy? You know, like how Katie has a step-dad ‘cause her mommy got married again?”

“I don’t know. Do you want one?”

“Maybe. James’s mommy and daddy look really happy when they’re together. It’s kind of gross when they kiss and cuddle but they smile a lot. It’s kinda nice.”

“It sounds nice.”

“Maybe you’ll have that one day? That would be nice too.”

“Maybe. But don’t you worry about that, OK? As long as I have you I’m perfectly happy.”

“And Raven and Octavia, right? They’re always here too.”

“Yes, and Raven and Octavia.”

“One big family.”

“That’s right. And even though your daddy is gone, you know where he’ll always be, right?”

Finn nodded, holding his hand to his chest. Clarke smiled and placed her hand over his.

“That’s right, he’ll always be right here, he’ll always be in your heart.”

“Yeah.”

“Now you get some sleep, OK kiddo?”

“OK, Mommy.”

She kissed him on the forehead and stroked his hair one last time before heading for the door. She stood in the doorway and smiled over at him as he snuggled himself right down, his dinosaur buried under his chin.

“I love you, Mommy, night night.”

“Night little Finn, I love you too.”

She started to back out of the room and was about to shut the door when his little voice made her stop.

“Mommy?” She peered back in.

“Yeah?”

“I bet Miss Woods would be a good mommy.”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, I bet she would.”

Finn gave her one last smile before he burrowed his head back down into his little cocoon and she headed out of the room, heart warm but slightly nervous. She wondered how much he was picking up on, he really was an observant kid.

 

*

 

Clarke decided to talk to Lexa about Finn’s teaching antics the following afternoon so she could do so in private. She didn’t want to have to do it in front of the other parents, especially if they weren’t of the open-minded variety.

Finn was smiling up at her, cute and innocent as always.

“Do you think you can go and sit in the story corner while I talk to Miss Woods for a minute, little man?”

“OK,” he said, nodding. 

Lexa look up at her inquisitively, she was sat behind her desk looking as gorgeous as ever, Clarke couldn’t help but notice.

“If you look hard enough you might find the new dinosaur story I brought in the other day, Finn.”

“Ooo, cool!”

Clarke smiled as he ran off, sitting in the perfectly normal-sized chair next to Lexa’s desk. This conversation was probably going to be funny enough without them sitting on tiny chairs again.

“Is there something the matter, Clarke?” Lexa asked, looking more intrigued than concerned.

“Not exactly. Little Finn just told me about how you guys talked about parents yesterday…” Lexa smiled, her eyes brightening. “Yeah, and I just wanted to apologise. I hope he didn’t put you in an awkward position. I don’t want you to be getting complaints about the things you may have had to talk about in your class.”

Lexa held up her hand, still smiling.

“Don’t worry about it, Clarke. I think it was perfectly within my responsibility to explain it to them, after all, we have a girl with gay dads and, as Finn pointed out, his mom and his other kind-of-mom are bisexual so it’s better to have all the kids informed. I won’t have any of them teasing the others about their parents’ sexualities. I was actually kind of impressed by him.”

“You were?”

“Yeah, he’s so bright and accepting, he’s just like I’d want my kid to be. Obviously being raised by three women, two of them being bisexual, has made him very open-minded.”

“That was kind of what I was going for.”

“Then you did well.”

“Thanks.” They smiled at each other for a moment before Lexa’s face turned more serious.

“He also mentioned his dad and that he… That he died. I don’t know whether he told you about that.”

Clarke nodded, she thought this might come up.

“Yeah, he told me.”

“I… I mean I thought that maybe… After that conversation with Mr Murphy you had the other week… But I didn’t like to say anything.”

“And you don’t have to say anything now, it’s fine. It happened before he was born, it doesn’t make him too sad very often. It would be harder if he… If he knew him, you know?”

Lexa nodded, closing her eyes as her head dipped and then she locked their gazes again.

“I lost someone special to me, too.”

Clarke just blinked at Lexa, she had no idea what to say to that.

“Her name was Costia.”

“Oh.”

“I just…” Lexa shook her head, a strange look on her face. Clarke wasn’t sure what it was. “I don’t know why I told you that.”

“It’s OK.”

“No, it’s not. I’m your son’s teacher, this isn’t appropriate.”

“You’re kind of more than that though, right?”

Lexa frowned at her.

“I am?”

Clarke ran a hand through her hair, feeling a little nervous. She knew what was coming and she couldn’t believe that she’d finally got to this point.

“Well, sort of. I mean your best friend is my best friend’s friend so that kind of makes us… Friends, too? Right?”

Lexa looked at her for a few seconds and just as Clarke was beginning to panic and think that she’d made a wrong move, a pretty smile took over Lexa’s face.

“I guess it does. I could definitely use another friend.”

“Good, then that settles it, you should come to my birthday party this weekend.”

“I should… Come to your party?”

“Yes, Raven’s invited Anya and now I’m inviting you. Will you come?”

“Won’t that be weird for Finn?” Lexa asked, peering over to where Finn was engrossed in his book.

“I don’t think so, I mean, he really likes you.”

“He does?”

Clarke smiled.

“Yeah, he does. But if you’re worried, we’re kind of having two parties. A family friendly one in the afternoon with Finn and then my mom’s going to take him for the night and the second party will begin. The kind with more alcohol and music, less cupcakes and board games.”

“Would you prefer it if I came once he’s gone?”

“I really don’t mind, it’s up to you. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“I do really like cupcakes.”

Clarke smiled, her nerves calming a little. This was going better than she expected. She totally could do friends.

“Does that mean you’ll come?”

“Sure, I’ll come. I’ll just head over with Anya, if that’s OK?”

“Absolutely.”

Clarke couldn’t help it when her smile kicked up a few notches into a full-on beam. Lexa dipped her head, her cheeks dusted a pretty pink. 

“Raven is going to be so happy to finally meet you,” Clarke told her. “She’s been going on about you ever since our… Our date.”

“She has? I suppose you told her all about it?”

Clarke grimaced.

“Yeah, unfortunately. Pretty much every embarrassing detail.”

“Is she trying to get us to go on another one? Because Anya’s been pestering me since then too.”

“She has?”

Lexa nodded.

“Raven’s just been trying to get me to invite you over so we can all hang out. She thinks if I spend more time with you that I’ll be ready to date again, you know? But we can just be friends, right?”

“Of course, like I said, I could use more friends.”

Clarke knew that friends was all she could cope with for now but as she watched Lexa lick her bottom lip as she regarded her, _god_ did it hit her how much she wanted to be more. Maybe someday they could be but being friends was good enough for the moment.


	4. Our Hearts Beat Louder Than the Thunder From the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes to Clarke's birthday party and gets more than she bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks to all of you that are still reading, you'll be pleased to know this story is really starting to take shape now. As it turns out, having a job that's not mentally stimulating in the slightest gives you a lot of time to think up ideas so...  
> In this chapter we're kicking things up a few notches. I hadn't originally intended for things to get this intense so quickly but these two have no chill, I swear. Clarke and Lexa own my ass and I'm pretty sure they control me, not the other way around!  
> (Also, I changed the chapter titles because I had an idea and I'm an indecisive little shit.)  
> Enjoy!

Lexa left work grinning like a fool that day, so excited at the prospect of spending more than just a few minutes with Clarke. She really enjoyed her company and she wasn’t sure she’d have ever got up the courage herself to ask Clarke to go out and do something with her, she was very conscious of overstepping. Even annoying drivers on her journey home couldn’t dampen her mood and she was humming when she walked into her apartment, a bounce in her step. She scooped up Hades and squeezed him until he squirmed, feeling the need to express her happiness somehow.

All good things come to an end, however, and Lexa’s uncharacteristic chirpiness was stomped down when she pull her phone out of her bag to find she had a voicemail from her mother. She felt as if someone had poured cement into her veins, suddenly she was sluggish and cold. She slumped down on the couch before listening to the message.

“Hello, Alex, dear, it’s your mother. I’ve just heard from Anya’s parents that you moved to Washington D.C. _three months ago_. Do you have any idea what kind of a terrible parent I seem like for not even knowing what state my daughter is in, let alone which city? I don’t know why you insist on being so difficult.”

A pause. Lexa could imagine her mom pulling on that fake smile of hers, regaining her composure the way she always would when she got frustrated with someone, especially Lexa. God forbid she let her true emotions show for too long.

“Anyway, your father and I have booked our Christmas vacation, this year we’re going to Sweden….”

Lexa sat and listened as her mom prattled on about little things that had happened to her and her dad lately, feeling worse and worse with every second. Just when Lexa was contemplating hanging up she realised her mom was getting ready to end the message because she’d finally stopped talking about herself.

“…You really need to stop being so secretive, Alex. Goodbye, dear.”

Lexa sighed and disconnected the call, throwing her phone to the other side of the couch. That was a typical call from her mother, it wouldn’t really have been any different had she actually been talking to her and not just listening to a voicemail. She always complained at Lexa about something, then talked about herself, then complained at Lexa again. She never asked how Lexa was or about her life, she never suggested that they meet up, and she never expressed any kind of fondness at all, really. Lexa hadn’t been to see her parents since the summer after she graduated college when she was getting her own apartment and needed to pick up all her belongings that hadn’t fit in the dorms or student housing.

Even after fourteen years of constantly telling her parents that she preferred being called Lexa, they still both always called her Alex. She’d hated it since she could remember but it was better than her full name. It wasn’t until she met Anya at boarding school, Anya who had read Lexa’s full name on the form she had been given and gone "ugh, I’m just going to call you Lexa, it’s easier" that she finally had a name that she liked. Hearing her old name again just made her regress back to that lonely kid she had been for so long.

She knew her mom wouldn’t be expecting her to call back and that was at least a benefit of her parents’ disinterest in her. She laid and stewed in her sadness for a little while before getting up and heading into the shower, she had planned to go to Anya’s and she was hoping it would be just what she needed to cheer her up again.

 

*

 

“I’m really sorry that your mom called you up because of me,” Anya said, her face sincere.

As soon as Lexa had arrived at Anya’s apartment she had flung herself down on the couch dramatically before curling up into the foetal position, clutching a cushion to her chest. She told Anya all about the call and how it was kind of Anya’s fault that her mother had finally remembered that she existed.

“It’s fine, I just hate how every time they talk to me they just end up making me feel worse. It’s easier to have nothing to do with them and pretending they don’t exist. Sometimes I think it would be easier having no parents than ones that just let you down all the time and hurt you.”

Anya had been perched on the arm of the couch and now she tapped at Lexa’s feet, making her move down so she could sit next to her. Once she was comfortable, Lexa put her feet in her lap and Anya pulled off her shoes for her. 

“Well she has good timing, at least you can spend tonight watching crappy movies and gorging yourself on junk food with your awesome best friend to cheer you up!”

“It was actually really bad timing, I was in a great mood and she sucked it right out of me.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Um… No?”

Lexa could feel her cheeks flushing and she tried her hardest not to smile.

“You fucking liar, come on, spill!”

“Fine, Clarke invited me to her birthday party this weekend.”

The grin that took over Anya’s face made Lexa roll her eyes, she knew she was going to get this kind of reaction.

“She did?! Success!” Anya shouted. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think I should be worried about the influence that you and Raven are having on each other, it’s probably better that I’m finally meeting her. I’ve got to see if this girl is good enough for you.”

“Good enough? We’re not dating, Lex.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.

“But do you want to be?”

“No, we’re just friends.”

“Sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure, now will you please shush and let’s talk about you and Clarke.”

“See, it’s not so fun when it’s someone putting their nose into _your_ love life, is it?”

“So you admit that Clarke counts as part of your ‘love life’ then?”

Lexa sighed, bringing her hand up to her forehead. 

“You know what I mean.”

“You bet I do.” Anya winked and Lexa rolled her eyes.

“You’d better not make this party awkward for me _or_ Clarke, especially not Clarke, OK?”

“I won’t! I’m just happy you guys are going to spend some time together outside of the classroom.”

“Yeah, me too,” Lexa said quietly. She waited for Anya to tease her for admitting that but all she received was a soft smile. She was incredibly grateful. 

“It’ll be great, you’ll see. Wait until you’ve met the trio of awesomeness in its entirety, you’re going to love them.”

Lexa smiled as Anya nodded reassuringly at her. She could already feel the nerves beginning to chew away inside her. Spending time with Clarke outside of school was definitely appealing but it was also pretty scary, adding her friends into the mix made it even more so. At least she’d have Anya there, it always helped to have an overly confident friend with you to break the ice in an awkward situation.

 

*

 

The rest of the week dragged itself by on ridiculously lazy legs and Lexa found herself quite anxious by the time Saturday rolled around. Her heart had beat a little faster when she had seen Clarke leaving class on Friday. Clarke had tilted her head down, obviously a little nervous herself, and then looked up prettily through her eyelashes as she spoke.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she had said quietly, a demure smile taking over her lips.

Lexa had just nodded in reply, too afraid that she’d sound like a bumbling idiot if she tried to speak. She watched Clarke and Finn leave and stood staring at the empty doorway for longer than she was proud of before she managed to gather herself and start sorting out her dishevelled classroom. It had been over two months since she had first met Clarke and she still didn’t understand what it was about Clarke that made her feel like a lovesick teenager all over again. Not that she was in love with her… That was just an expression. It was just a little crush, that’s all.

(Who was she kidding, Clarke was completely different to anyone she’d ever met, she was special. But then Costia had been special too and look how that had turned out. This was why Lexa was in denial. _Love is weakness._ But friendship? Friendship she could do.)

So Lexa’s thoughts were spiralling again and she hoped that an evening in the company of good people would be just what she needed to calm her. It was time that she had some company other than Anya, a class of five-year-olds, and a temperamental cat.

She drove Anya and herself over there, deciding to be the designated driver. Anya told her they could crash there if she wanted to drink but Lexa declined, she was only just about ready to spend an evening with these people, she thought staying the night might be pushing it a little. Mostly she was just worried about Clarke. They stood on the doorstep in the increasing gloom of the evening, having opted to forego the family friendly fun (not to avoid little Finn but the rest of the family that might be involved), and Lexa was nervous. She was fidgeting, pulling at the collar of her shirt as it tickled her neck, a bunch of rather extravagant flowers grasped in her free hand.

“Keep it cool, Lex, you’ve got this. They’re all lovely, I promise.”

Lexa didn’t have a chance to reply because the door was thrown open and an incredibly excitable young woman with sparkling brown eyes, straight brown hair, and possibly the biggest smile Lexa had ever seen leapt into their presence.

“Well I’ll be damned, if it isn’t Lexa Woods.”

Lexa tried to smile but she was pretty sure she just looked kind of alarmed.

“Lex, this is-”

“Raven,” Lexa finished for Anya.

“You got it! I’ve been waiting for so long to meet you and would you look at that, you brought Clarke flowers! How… Romantic.” Raven winked at her and Lexa saw Anya shake her head at her in her periphery. “Um, I mean, come in! The party’s about to start, everyone’s inside!”

Lexa let Anya step in first, feeling more comfortable with the idea of following her knowing that she’d been there before. The entranceway was spacious and Raven led them into the living room where a few faces greeted them. Lexa scanned them all until she found Clarke’s. She felt her heart lurch when their eyes met, apparently Clarke had already been looking at her. Clarke got up from where she had been sat on the couch with little Finn in front of her, buttoning up his jacket.

Lexa couldn’t help but smile as Clarke walked over to her.

“Happy birthday, Clarke,” she said softly, handing the flowers to her.

“Wow, thank you, you really didn’t have to get me anything.”

Clarke’s smile was more beautiful than all of the flowers put together and Lexa could have looked at it all day. She might have been tempted to if Finn hadn’t have come up to her, diverting her attention.

“Miss Woods, you came!”

“Hey, Finn, of course I did.”

“I’m glad, Mommy said you might. Now you can all be friends.”

“Yes, we can.” She smiled down at him and Clarke spoke.

“Little Finn is off to stay with his grandma tonight, aren’t you buddy?” Clarke said, indicating over to the couch where an older woman was sat, Finn’s rucksack in her lap. The woman waved, her smile warm, and Lexa waved back.

“Yuhuh, that’s right,” Finn said, nodding.

“That sounds like fun, you have a great time, I’ll see you on Monday?”

“You sure will, Miss Woods.”

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Clarke told Lexa, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

_Stay cool, Lexa._

She nodded and walked over to where Anya had gone with Raven. They were talking to a very pretty girl with dark hair.

“Nice of you to join us,” Anya commented.

“Lexa, this is Octavia,” Raven told her, motioning to the dark haired girl. Lexa nodded, she figured that must have been who she was.

“Hey,” Lexa said.

“Hi, nice finally meet you, Lexa. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Lexa felt her cheeks grow warm.

“You have?”

“Well yeah,” Anya said. “I’ve been talking about you.”

“And so has little Finn,” Raven added.

Lexa felt a little relieved. She was sure there had been more discussion than that but she really didn’t need to hear about it. She’d rather remain ignorant. She could see out into the hall from where she was standing and she watched Clarke give Finn a hug before he was led out of the door by her mom. She took in a deep breath as Clarke walked over to them. 

“Can I get anyone a drink?” She asked, her eyes lingering longest on Lexa.

“Absolutely, it’s time to get this party started!” Raven cried out, skipping across the room to fiddle with the speakers. She cranked the volume up and the girls cheered. Lexa and Clarke just smiled at each other.

“Need some help?” Lexa asked.

“Sure, that’d be great,” Clarke replied.

Lexa followed Clarke out into the hall and through to the back of the house. The kitchen they reached was massive and gorgeous, Lexa was impressed.

“Your home is lovely.”

“Thanks, it took a lot of work to get it this way, three women with strong opinions made decorating really quite difficult to agree on.”

“I can only imagine.”

Clarke started rummaging in the cupboard, pulling out bottles of spirits.

“What would you like to drink?”

“Um, something non-alcoholic, please. I’m the designated driver.”

“Alright, me too. Well, I mean I probably won’t be driving but I’m not drinking either.”

“No?”

“No, like I said to you before, I haven’t had anything to drink in a long time. I’m happy sober for now. Although, as I also said before, I don’t mind driving you home if you want to drink.”

Lexa shook her head.

“No, that’s OK. Someone’s got to keep you company in your sobriety, right?”

Clarke smiled.

“Sure, that sounds good. I’m awesome at mixing drinks though so I’ll probably be making them for the others all night.”

“Is it just going to be the five of us?”

“Yeah, if that’s OK? We thought it would be more fun to keep it as a girls’ night. And because you don’t know Raven and Octavia yet, it’ll be nice to keep it smaller. Get you properly integrated, you know?”

“That sounds good to me.” Lexa felt warm in the knowledge that Clarke was trying to make her a part of her friendship group. 

Clarke nodded, content, and started pouring different things into several glasses.

“So how long have you lived here?” Lexa asked.

“Since just before little Finn was born.”

“You all moved in at the same time?”

“Yep.”

“Is it rented?”

“No, I actually own it.”

Lexa gazed around the room, impressed.

“Whoa, you own a house this size? And you have since you were nineteen?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty crazy I guess. I just… Well my dad died when I was young and my mom saved some of the money that we got afterwards for me to go to college. But then I had to drop out because… Well, you know, pregnant and uh… Newly single… And my mom suggested that I use the money to buy a house for me and my baby to live in. I was surprised, I really thought she was going to try and get me to live with her forever. I love the woman, don’t get me wrong, but trying to raise my kid with her around? She would have driven me nuts, she’s too controlling. I didn’t want to be on my own though so Raven and Octavia offered to live with me.”

“Wow, that’s… Quite the story.”

“Yeah.”

“And how is it, living with two other women all the time? I haven’t had to live with anyone since college.”

“It has its ups and downs, mostly ups to be honest. We’ve all been friends since we were kids and then we went through so much together losing… Losing little Finn’s dad, you know, it made us closer. So unless one of us is crazy with PMS or something, we generally get along. And, as you can imagine, little Finn loves having three women doting on him.”

“I’ll bet he does.”

“So you live on your own?”

“Yeah, well I mean I have a cat but he’s enough company for me.”

“I’ve never lived alone.”

“No, I guess you wouldn’t have.”

“I bet it’s peaceful.”

“I guess. A little too quiet sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Lexa felt a little nervous knowing what she was about to say but something in Clarke’s eyes gave her the courage to say it anyway. “If you ever need some peace, you’re welcome to come and hide out at my place.”

“But then it wouldn’t be peaceful anymore.”

“I could use a little less peace sometimes, I think. And it would be a lot more peaceful for you than here.”

“That’s true.”

A yell came floating through from the living room.

“Oi lovebirds, where are those drinks?”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“They’re coming, Reyes, calm down!” Colour came to Clarke’s cheeks and she grimaced. “I think we might be in for a bit of teasing tonight.”

“I think you’re right. But you know what? Two can play at that game… Or four, I guess.”

“I like the way you think, Raven and Anya have totally got it coming.”

“I was teasing Anya about it the other day and she totally shut me down.”

“Raven’s the same, she just says they’re friends.”

“That’s what Anya says.”

“Oh but wait until you see them together, especially as they drink more, those two are tactile as fuck.”

“I don’t doubt it. We should get back to them before they think we’re up to something in here.”

“You’re right, let’s go.”

They picked up the drinks, Clarke quite impressively managing to take three in her hands, and headed into the living room.

“Finally!” Raven exclaimed as they handed out the drinks. She was sat on one of the two couches with Anya, Octavia was in the armchair, and Clarke sat on the other couch. Lexa felt a little awkward as she sat on the far end of the couch with Clarke, keeping as much space between them as possible. They all sat sipping their drinks for a minute, saying nothing. Lexa could feel eyes on her as she stared into her glass, wishing someone would speak.

“OK, so now what?” Octavia finally said.

“I think we should play a game of let’s get to know Lexa,” Raven suggested, a devious grin on her face.

Lexa’s head snapped up and she shook her head.

“Surely Anya’s told you about me? I’m not very interesting.”

“Actually, she’s not told us much at all really,” Raven told her.

“Oh.”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to, Lexa,” Clarke said, looking over at her. She pulled her feet up onto the couch and tucked them under herself. It made her knees come a little closer to Lexa, now only a few inches separated them.

“Uh… What do you want to know?” Lexa asked, looking back at Raven. She could see Anya smiling encouragingly next to her.

“OK, let’s start with an easy one, how did you and Anya meet? You’ve been friends for a long time, right?”

Lexa was relieved, that one she could answer.

“Yeah, we have, we met at boarding school when we were eleven.”

“Boarding school?” Raven sounded surprised.

“Like Hogwarts?” Clarke asked, her eyes bright.

“I wish it had been like Hogwarts,” Lexa said.

“Yeah, it wasn’t half as cool. Plus, no magic, total bummer,” Anya said.

“Shit, you guys must be rich,” Raven said.

“Pretty much,” Anya shrugged. 

Lexa didn’t feel quite the same way about it.

“Well, my parents are.”

“So you are too,” Raven said.

“They paid for my education but nothing else.” Lexa didn’t mean for her tone to seem sharp but it just kind of happened. She didn’t like talking about her parents.

“You guys must be pretty well off to have a house this nice, though,” Anya commented, recognising the way Lexa had hardened. She motioned around the room, her eyes flicking to Lexa as she gave her a slight nod. Lexa let out a deep breath, really grateful to have Anya there.

“That’s just Clarke, she owns the house,” Octavia said.

“Shit, really? Not bad, Griffin,” Anya said.

Clarke just shrugged. Lexa watched her face turn a little more serious before Raven’s voice brought her back into the conversation.

“So what, were you guys bunk buddies or something?”

“We were roommates,” she told them.

“Did you have to wear uniforms?”

Lexa and Anya gave each other a look and nodded.

“Unfortunately, pleated skirts, shirts, and ties, not the best look.” Anya shuddered.

“Teenage me would have appreciated a girl in uniform,” Raven said, nudging Anya and winking. Anya rolled her eyes and shoved her right back. Lexa felt a tap on her thigh and she looked over to Clarke who indicated with her head to the pair across the room. Lexa smiled, they definitely were quite tactile with each other already, she certainly was intrigued as to how their dynamic would change over the course of the evening.

“You know what would be more fun than talking about my boring life? You guys teaching me to play Mario Kart,” Lexa said.

“Wait, you’ve never played?” Raven said, her eyes wide. “You’ve been depriving her, Anya! How could you let this happen?”

“Lexa’s allergic to fun.”

“I am not!”

“Oh yeah? Prove it!”

“You’re on!”

“Oh, you are about to witness some magic, Woods,” Anya said, smirking at her. The other three girls were just watching the two of them, amused.

“A little birdy tells me that you suck at Mario Kart so I’m calling your bluff.” Lexa raised her eyebrow at Anya whose jaw dropped.

“Whoa, who’s been dissing my Mario Kart skills? Clarke? What have you been filling this girl’s head with?”

Clarke held her hands up.

“Hey, it wasn’t me...”

“Wait… It was little Finn? Ooo, that bugger.”

“Hey, don’t talk about my kid that way!” Clarke said, grinning. 

“You’re the one who pretty much just ratted out your devil spawn.”

Clarke laughed.

“Oh yeah, I probably shouldn’t have done that.” She smiled over at Lexa who was relieved, she was starting to feel more comfortable.

“He’s kinda got a point though, An,” Raven said, her face apologetic.

“Jeez, you too, Reyes? I feel like I’m being ganged up on!”

“Well you’ve just gotta prove us all wrong, dude. Let’s get to it!” Octavia told them, getting up to set up the game.

“Alright,” Anya said. “Us four can play the first race while Lexa watches so she sees what to do then loser switches with her, OK?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Raven said, reaching over to take a controller from Octavia.

Lexa nodded, her heart picking up its pace a little when Clarke leaned over her to take another controller. Things were definitely looking up.

 

*

 

Lexa, as it turned out, was a natural at Mario Kart and once she was in the game, she never came last so didn’t have to forfeit her controller once. Anya, however, was the loser of the night, pretty much spending every other game having to watch the others play without her. The more she sulked, the more she drank, and as a result her playing got worse. As Raven drank more, she got more tactile with Anya, eventually making her perk up a little. 

Lexa’s competitive side came out and she got quite into the game, somehow ending up much closer to Clarke, their thighs pressed together. When they finally decide to take a break Clarke turned to speak to Lexa and that’s when Lexa realised how close they had got. Their faces were just inches apart, she could feel Clarke’s breath on her cheeks.

“Are you sure you don’t want to drink? They’re going to start to get really annoying soon if you stay sober.”

Lexa struggled to compose herself, her heart was apparently training for a marathon and it was making her hands shake. She scooted back a little to rid herself of the contact and felt a little bit better with some distance. 

“I’m your company, remember?” The grin Clarke gave her warmed her from the inside out, her cheeks flushing. Clarke looked down into her lap where her hands were playing with one of her rings.

“Can I just… Can I just tell you that you look really good tonight?” Clarke said, not looking up.

“I think you just did, and thank you.” 

As Clarke’s eyes flicked up Lexa was about to speak again but Raven had got up to walk across the room with her drink and tripped, launching it all over Lexa. Lexa leapt up, shocked at the assault of cold liquid, and all of the girls just stared at her with their jaws hanging. Clarke was the first to react.

“Oh shit, are you OK?”

Anya started to giggle in the background but Raven looked really worried.

“Oh my god, I’m so so so sorry Lexa.”

Lexa shook her head, looking down at her soaking wet shirt.

“It’s alright,” she said, patting at her chest, not really sure what to do. She sank back onto the couch.

“Come on, let’s go and get you dried off,” Clarke said, tapping her on the arm.

Lexa shook her head.

“Uh, I’m alright.”

“No, you’re going to freeze like that. Come on, I’ll get you something to change into.”

“Clarke, really, I’m OK.”

“Lexa,” Clarke warned. “Come with me, I’ll at least get you a towel.”

Clarke held her hand out to Lexa and motioned with her head towards the door. Lexa sighed and placed her hand in Clarke’s, letting herself be pulled to her feet. Once she was standing she was quick to unlink their hands, she could see Anya grinning at them and she winked. Lexa narrowed her eyes at her.

They climbed the stairs in silence, Lexa feeling more awkward with every step. Her shirt was clinging to her uncomfortably and her arms were becoming sticky as the drink dried on them, it smelled horrible. Clarke went to enter the first door that they reached on the landing but Lexa’s attention was drawn to the door next to it with the dinosaur painted on it. She stopped to admire it for a moment, running her hand down the bright paint. When Clarke noticed Lexa hadn’t followed her she stopped, coming back to stand next to her.

“Who painted this? It’s brilliant.” Lexa said, not taking her eyes off it.

“I did,” Clarke told her. Lexa felt her eyes widen and she looked over at Clarke who was smiling prettily.

“You did?”

Clarke nodded.

“You’re really talented, Clarke. Is this something you do a lot?”

“Yeah, kind of. Not as much as I used to but since little Finn started school again I’ve had more time to focus on my art.” She tapped Lexa’s arm, she had got distracted looking at the painting again. “Come on, we need to get you into something dry.”

Lexa followed her into what she assumed was Clarke’s bedroom and she stood by the end of the bed feeling awkward. She had certainly not expected to end up in Clarke’s room tonight, and the circumstances weren’t exactly the kind that she would have ever imagined either. She watched Clarke rummage around in a drawer.

“Do you have a preference of colour?” Clarke asked, looking back at her.

“Colour?”

“For the shirt.”

“You really don’t have to get me a new shirt, Clarke. Just a towel will do.”

“Don’t be silly. What colour?”

“I don’t mind, whatever you can spare.”

“Alright,” Clarke said, pulling out a dark green one and walking over to her with it. She held it out to her, smiling. “Here, it matches your eyes.”

Lexa felt herself warm up again, Clarke had noticed her eyes? Do people normally notice other people’s eyes? She wasn’t sure.

“Uh, thanks.”

“I have an en-suite, you can go in there and change. There are some towels in the hamper, knock yourself out. I’ll wait here.”

“OK.”

After taking off her wet shirt, Lexa used some soap and water to try to get the stickiness off her torso before drying herself off and pulling on the shirt Clarke had given her. She was instantly surrounded by a soft floral scent that seemed to calm her a little. She emerged from the bathroom to find Clarke sat on the end of her bed looking at the floor. Her eyes flicked up when she heard Lexa walk into the room and she gave her a small smile.

“Better?”

“Much, thank you. I’ll be sure to get this washed and back to you on Monday.”

“There’s no rush.”

“OK.”

“Do you want to… Go back downstairs?”

Lexa felt a little nervous being alone with Clarke but it was the good kind of nervous so she shook her head. It was quite peaceful without the other girls there and she didn’t have to worry about them being watched. Sure, they were probably downstairs right now discussing what the two of them were up to but she didn’t need to think about that. Out of sight, out of mind.

“Maybe we can just sit and talk up here for a bit?”

Clarke regarded at her for a moment, looking her up and down. Her eyes seemed to settle somewhere just below Lexa’s eyes and stilled there for a moment. Their eyes finally reconnected when Lexa licked her lips and Clarke began to fidget.

“Sure, I guess so. Anything in particular on your mind?”

“Not really, it’s just that I see you every day but we don’t really get a chance to talk just the two of us. Also, I feel like our friends are waiting for us to start making out or something, it’s nice to not have them watching us like hawks.”

Clarke gave a little chuckle, it was pretty and it seemed to make her relax.

“They are making it a little uncomfortable. It feels better now it’s just us.”

Lexa smiled and moved to sit next to Clarke, leaving a few inches between them.

“Have you ever considered pursuing a career in art?” Lexa asked. She was still very impressed with the painting.

“I’m actually illustrating a series of children’s books right now. This girl I knew in high school, Harper, she wrote them and she remembered how I used to draw in all my note books and absolutely aced art class. She called me up out of the blue a few months ago and asked me if I was interested.”

“That’s amazing!”

“It’s OK. I’m getting kind of sick of drawing cartoon animals though, especially those goddamn bunnies.”

“What would you be drawing if you had the choice?”

Clarke looked up as she thought, chewing on her lip. 

“Probably people, I find people fascinating to draw, how the bone structure differs from person to person, and how different emotions can change a face so drastically. I haven’t really done that for a while though.”

“No?”

“No. I spend most of my time with the same three people, you know, so I’ve drawn them a crazy amount of times. I need someone new to reawaken my muse, I think.”

“You could always draw me some time,” Lexa said, not even really thinking about it.

“Really?”

Lexa shrugged.

“Well, only if you think you could bear to spend that long looking at me, anyway.”

Clarke shook her head, laughing softly.

“I think I’d manage. You do have a gorgeous jawline and interesting features, I think you’d be a fascinating model.”

“You do?”

“Mhmm. Actually… Seeing as though I have you here, could I try it out now? Just a quick sketch and then we can get back to our friends?”

“Sure,” Lexa said, realising she’d opened herself up to being stared at by a really gorgeous woman. That was a little daunting. Clarke’s smile was nervous as she got up and pulled out a pad and some pencils from a drawer in her desk. She sat in the chair and swivelled around to face Lexa, the pad on her knees.

“Where do you want me?” Lexa asked, her mouth suddenly feeling dry.

“Maybe you could scoot up and sit at the top of the bed? Just relax and sit as you normally would, you can lean back against the pillows if you like.”

Lexa did as she was asked, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. She suddenly forgot how to conduct herself as a normal person and wasn’t sure what to do with her arms and legs. Clarke seemed to have already begun sketching and after flicking her eyes up and down between the paper and Lexa a few times, she gave her a soft smile.

“Don’t look so nervous Lexa, I’m not going to make you look hideous. I’m not even sure that’s possible but I promise you I’m pretty good at this.”

“It’s not that… It’s just a little weird knowing you’re looking at every little part of me.”

“It will feel weird at first but you’ll get used to it, you can trust me, OK? To me you are a beautiful piece of art that I just want to capture in my own style, I’m not critiquing you at all.”

“I do trust you, Clarke, but that still sounds pretty scary.”

Clarke chuckled.

“Just try to relax. Talk to me about something and try to forget about focusing on how you’re sitting.”

“What do you want me to talk about?”

“Anything, maybe just tell me about yourself, I’d like to know more.” Clarke was back to drawing again.

“Yeah, that’s not going to make me comfortable.”

“Well just talk about something that does make you feel comfortable, then.”

“Uh…”

Clarke looked up again, her pencil stilling and their eyes meeting.

“You remember when we went out and you told me that sometimes the best things in life that happen are unexpected, you know, when I talked about how having little Finn was the best kind of accident? Maybe you could tell me what memory made you say that? You were smiling in this cute little way that looked like you were remembering something happy.”

Lexa’s whole body tightened, she hadn’t even realised Clarke had caught on to that.

“It’s a long story, and not all of it’s good.”

Clarke shrugged, her face soft.

“Then just tell me the happy part? I’ve got time.”

Lexa took a deep breath, not even sure why she was considering opening up to Clarke like this. She never talked about this particular part of her past.

“I was thinking about how… How I fell in love with my best friend when I was fifteen.”

Clarke hummed her assent as she kept drawing and Lexa was grateful that she hadn’t started speaking, this wasn’t going to be easy to talk about.

“Not Anya, obviously. My other best friend. Like I said earlier, Anya and I were roommates in boarding school and we made friends with the girl next door. We were all really close and as we got older… Things started to change. I fell in love without meaning to and by some miracle she loved me back.”

Clarke smiled down at her drawing, her hand moving quickly across the page.

“What was her name?”

“Costia,” Lexa said, trying hard to will her voice not to break. She barely thought of her anymore. She’d locked that part of herself behind so many doors that she almost forgot how much in that dusty part of her mind was happy. Images were coming back to her, flashes of soft dark skin, brown eyes like molten chocolate gazing into her own, the smile that had taught her how to love.

Clarke’s hand paused on the paper and she looked up.

“You mentioned her the other day.”

Lexa nodded.

“I know. I don’t ever talk about her but there’s just something about you, Clarke... I feel like I can talk to you about things I wouldn’t normally.”

Clarke took in a sharp breath, letting it out slowly as she began drawing again.

“Maybe it’s because you know I understand that kind of loss.”

Lexa nodded.

“Maybe.”

They sat in silence for a little while but it wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. It seemed as if they were both just busy with their thoughts, Lexa certainly was.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice was small and soft and it pulled at something deep inside of Lexa.

“Yes, Clarke?”

“Have you been in love since? You know, since Costia?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Have you ever tried to be?”

“No. I don’t do relationships anymore. I see women but it’s only ever been physical.”

“Oh.”

“Have you? Have you been in love since Finn’s dad… Do you mind if I ask what his name was?”

Clarke smiled, finally looking up.

“His name was Finn.”

Lexa frowned.

“You named your son after his dad?”

“I did.”

“That’s nice.”

“It was a harder choice to live with than I realised. It took a long time before I could use his name.”

Lexa nodded, silence falling around them again.

“No.” Clarke had turned back to her drawing again.

“No what?”

“No, I haven’t been in love with anyone since Finn. I never even tried to be with anyone after.”

“So you’ve been single all these years?”

Clarke nodded.

“You’ve not even… Slept with anyone?”

Clarke shook her head.

“Wow.”

“Uhuh.”

“Isn’t that lonely?”

“You get used to it. It was just easier to shut myself off completely at the time. It’s not easy to open that door again.”

Lexa nodded.

“Now that I understand. I just tell myself that love is weakness and try to keep my feelings at bay.”

“What?”

“What?”

“You think love is weakness?” Clarke put her pencil down, sitting up straight and staring at Lexa, her forehead creased.

“Well, yeah,” Lexa said, shrugging. Clarke’s eyes seemed to bore into her for a moment before her whole demeanour sagged.

“Oh, Lexa.”

“What?”

Clarke got up and put her pad and pencil on her chair, stepping forward to stand at the side of the bed. She perched on the edge of it until Lexa moved over and she scooted up to sit next to her.

“Love isn’t weakness.”

The sadness in Clarke’s expression made Lexa feel small and scared. Why was she looking at her like that? Why did Clarke even care? She pushed all of that mess aside, she knew she was right, she was, she was… Wasn’t she?

“Yeah, it is. You love people and you give them so much power to hurt you. They don’t always choose to, sometimes they die and leave you alone. Sometimes they just don’t love you as much as you love them and instead of taking care of you they send you off to boarding school to make their lives more convenient. Everyone you love will hurt you at some point.” Lexa hadn’t meant to say so much, her heart was pounding and her hands were shaking. She moved to sit up, crossing her legs and putting her head in her hands, her elbows leaning on her knees.

“I may not have had sex in over five years but I’m starting to think it’s you that’s lonely, not me,” Clarke said, gently placing her hand on her back. Lexa shifted until Clarke took it away.

“I don’t need you telling me how to cope, Clarke.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Good, you barely know me.”

“Lexa.”

“What?”

“Please, come back here and look at me, I think you need to hear what I have to say.”

“I don’t think I do. I appreciate that you want to help, I really do, but I don’t need anything from you.”

“Lexa, please.” Clarke sounded so fragile that Lexa couldn’t help it, she folded. She moved back until she was leaning against the pillows again and she finally turned to look at Clarke. She found sorrowful, gorgeous blue eyes staring back at her.

“I’m not going to tell you how to live but I just want you to know that love is actually what helped me get through my grief. Without my friends, my mom, and little Finn, I’m not sure I would have made it.”

“I got through mine alone and I turned out just fine.”

“What about Anya?”

“What about her?”

“She was there with you through it, right? She was friends with Costia too.”

“I… I guess.”

“And you love her, right?”

Lexa nodded.

“Then you mustn’t believe love is completely weak.”

“Oh no, it’s still weakness. It just started before... Before I realised. Plus, she’s really hard to shake.”

“But would you want to shake her if you could?”

Lexa didn’t answer.

“I didn’t think so. You hide behind physical intimacy instead of forming loving bonds, I hide behind the love of my family and friends to stop myself from forming any kind of intimate bonds, sexual or otherwise. We’ve both been closing ourselves off and do you want to know what I realised that night when you kissed me?”

Lexa nodded, dumbstruck. She couldn’t believe this was happening, she was having a conversation about love and grief with a woman she barely knew. And they were about to talk about the night that had made the biggest impression on her in years.

“I realised that I had been missing out on a massive part of life, an incredibly important and meaningful part. You made me feeling things I hadn’t in so long, things I never thought I’d feel again. I think if I can try again after losing my first love then maybe you can too. We’ve both got our separate battles but don’t you think we deserve to try? Isn’t that what you said to me that night, that we _both_ deserve more than just being alone?”

Shit, Lexa really did say that, why did she say that? She didn’t want Clarke to be right because opening herself up again… Could she even really do that? But she had already known there was something different about the way she felt for Clarke, she had known it right from the start. She wasn’t just another conquest to her, she had been unable to think about much else for over two months now, perhaps she was already falling prey to her own weakness.

“Maybe we deserve it but I don’t know if I can do it again.” Lexa felt her voice crack and she felt ashamed. Clarke’s hand reached out and linked with Lexa’s and instead of making her feel like she wanted to run away, somehow it calmed her heart and softened the voices that were agonisingly loud in her mind.

“I don’t know either but… I’m willing to try if you are.”

Lexa blinked a few times, trying to clear the haze in her mind. Was Clarke suggesting what she thought she was?

“You mean…”

“I… I don’t know, no. I mean, not necessarily us together, we can just be friends if you want. But I think we should both try again with someone.”

“Maybe.”

Clarke nodded, giving her a small smile.

“Maybe is good enough for now. I just want you to consider it.”

“I will.” She squeezed Clarke’s hand. “You’re so strong, Clarke. How did you manage that with all that you’ve been through?”

“Losing the man I loved may have caused all this pain but it was the love I had for everyone else I still had that kept me going. Love is how I managed it because no matter what you think, Lexa, love isn’t weakness, love is strength. I swear I’m going to prove that to you. Kissing you that night made me start to believe that you get more than one shot at true love and I’m going to make sure that you believe that too.”

Lexa’s mind was a mess, her heart was racing again, and she held onto Clarke’s hand even harder. A tear spilled down her cheek and her breath caught in her chest.

“I…” Lexa was utterly terrified at the way her heart was swelling, it was painful but it wasn’t breaking, no, this was different. It was as if it was being pierced over and over again but it wasn’t being punctured, it was more like a needle and thread weaving its way into the fissures in her muscle. Somehow Clarke’s words were stitching her back together again and the relief and the fear swirling in her veins made her feel more than she had in so many years. The words threatening to spill from her lips scared her even more than the way Clarke’s eyes held her gaze and the way a gentle thumb came up to wipe the tear from her cheek, so tender and devastating.

They sat there like that for a few minutes, one of their hands linked together, Lexa clinging on for dear life, and Clarke’s free hand coming up to brush tears from Lexa’s cheeks. The words in Lexa’s mind were pushing hard against all of her barriers and she was getting weaker, she wasn’t going to be able to hold them back much longer. She held her breath, willing herself to keep it in.

“Hey, hey, breathe Lex, come on, you’re going to be OK, I’m right here with you.”

Lexa nodded, gasping a few times before trying to steady her breathing. Where had all this even come from?

“You’ll believe it one day and you’ll feel so much better when you do.”

“I…” Oh god, it was coming, she couldn’t keep it in anymore. She was weak, so weak weak weak but maybe that was OK? “I think I’m starting to.”

Clarke’s smile was somehow her salvation and her undoing all at once and if the near-panic attack hadn’t already let her know, she was definitely in trouble.

“Can I hug you?” Clarke asked, her hand stroking Lexa’s cheek, her eyes uncertain.

“Please,” Lexa breathed out, her voice cracking as Clarke smiled and wrapped her arms around her. Once she was encircled in Clarke’s strong but gentle embrace, that soft floral scent filling her nose and unyielding torso against her own, her heart started to calm. Her breathing evened as she closed her eyes and buried her head in Clarke’s neck. 

“Remember when you said you wanted to see me without being an emotional mess?” Lexa said, not letting go of Clarke.

“Yeah?” She heard Clarke say, feeling the vibrations in her chest against her as she spoke. They calmed her even more.

“Looks like the tables have turned, finally you’re the cool one and I’m a mess.”

Clarke chuckled.

“Remember what you told me, though? You said that having emotions didn’t make me uncool. Maybe you should listen to your own advice.”

Lexa just held on tighter. Over three months living in her apartment and she finally knew why it didn’t feel like home. Maybe home wasn’t a place, maybe home was a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never really intended so much angst in this story but I think it kind of works. They've both got a lot of shit to work through but they're getting there slowly :) It'll all be worth it in the end.


	5. I Hope You Know That I'm Trying to Build a Life That I Can Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke uses her skills as a nurturer to look after an overly dramatic, sick Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a while ago my friend and I decided to come up with ideas for a sitcom featuring the ladies of the 100, we wanted them to have the happy lives they deserve so we abandoned canon. One of the ideas I came up with was Lexa being a dramatic little bean when she's sick but a total badass when she's hurt (one thing I will accept from canon), and that's what gave me the idea for this chapter.  
> We have a POV switch in the middle of this chapter for a change :)  
> I hope you like it!

Clarke had been so focused on trying to convince Lexa not to give up on love that she hadn’t really thought about how incredible it was that she was even saying these things. She hadn’t even realised she had felt that way until the words were spilling from her mouth. As Lexa clung onto her Clarke grew more and more nervous, the amount of intimacy they had embarked upon together in such a short time was a little overwhelming.

Eventually Lexa began to relax and somehow they ended up leaned back into the pillows together, Lexa with her head on Clarke’s chest. Her breathing soon evened out as she fell asleep. Clarke was worried she’d be left alone with her thoughts, terrified that she had this gorgeous vulnerable woman pressed up against her, but a few minutes later she found herself drifting off too.

The peace didn’t last long, it never did in the Griffin-Reyes-Blake household, a smattering of laughter broke out from downstairs and started the pair awake. Lexa shot up and onto her feet ridiculously quickly and Clarke rushed over to kneel on the bed before her, placing a gentle hand on her cheek.

“Hey, it’s OK, you just fell asleep.”

Lexa’s hand came up and laid itself over Clarke’s, her expression full of wonder.

“I did?”

Clarke nodded, smiling softly.

“You did.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Lexa took hold of Clarke’s hand and pulled it from her cheek, dropping it and folding her arms. She took a step back, shifting awkwardly on the spot.

“It’s OK, that conversation was… Intense. It made me tired too.”

“I can’t believe I said all those things.” 

Clarke had never seen Lexa look so small, it was rather unnerving.

“You can’t keep it all bottled up forever, that’s when people explode, Lex.”

“I was doing fine until now… Until you.”

Clarke gulped, feeling nervous. She tried to compose herself.

“Well then I’m glad I came along and helped you to let it out. I think you’ll feel better for it in time. Maybe not straight away, emotions are exhausting, but soon you will.”

Lexa shrugged.

“I hope so.”

She averted her eyes from Clarke’s gaze and suddenly her expression brightened as something seemed to catch her attention. She walked around the bed until she reached the chair that Clarke had been sitting in before. Clarke wasn’t sure what she was doing until she saw Lexa pick up the sketch pad, staring at it intently. 

“Oh, yeah, that. It’s nowhere near finished.”

Lexa turned around, her face filled with awe.

“It’s beautiful, Clarke. You made me look beautiful.”

Clarke got to her feet and slowly walked over to Lexa whose eyes had gone back down to the drawing.

“That wasn’t my doing, you _are_ beautiful, Lexa.”

When Lexa began to smile Clarke realised just how much she had missed it. 

“How does someone like you even exist, Clarke?”

Clarke had no idea what to say to that, she just shrugged. The silence pressed in on them for a few moments before Clarke spoke again.

“Hey, do you feel up to going back downstairs? Our friends must be getting suspicious by now.”

Lexa nodded.

“We probably should and I should go home soon.”

“I’m sorry the party wasn’t quite the night of fun that you expected.”

“It was more than I bargained for, that’s for sure. I still had fun though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, there was a lot of other stuff too but there was some fun.”

“You’ll have to come around again some time, we’ve got to be able to make it through a long-ish encounter without one of us being an emotional mess eventually.”

Lexa smiled.

“I really hope so, I’d like that.”

“Me too. Come on, let’s go check on those drunken idiots, who knows what kind of state they’re in by now.”

They found their friends all sat on the floor together giggling, Raven in the middle of the other two with her arm slung around Anya’s shoulders. Clarke couldn’t help but smile when she noticed that Anya’s hand was on Raven’s thigh.

“You took your time,” Raven said when they finally noticed the two of them standing there. She winked and all three of them started laughing.

Clarke shook her head, shooting Raven a warning look.

“Raven,” she said, her voice low.

“It’s OK, Clarke,” Lexa said from beside her. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s not the way women normally get me out of my shirt but…” Lexa shrugged, a cheeky grin brightening her face and she winked at Clarke, spontaneously turning her insides to jelly. A chorus of cheers bounded around the room and suddenly all five of them were laughing. Clarke was so relieved that she found herself pulling Lexa into a hug, her skin buzzing at the unexpected contact. The thrill it gave her lent her some confidence and amidst the racket her friends were making she whispered in Lexa’s ear.

“Maybe I’ll have to think of another way to get you out of it one day.”

Lexa’s arms tightened around her and she felt her take a deep breath.

“Be my guest.”

Clarke felt soft lips press to her neck before Lexa pulled away from her, smile resplendent. 

 

*

 

Although having had such an open and emotional conversation with Lexa was a little scary, Clarke felt a lot better for it. Somehow it had released a lot of the tension from her, perhaps it was just knowing that she wasn’t the only one that was still struggling with her past. It made moving forward a little more daunting but knowing she was doing it in good company eased her somewhat. She struggled to get to sleep that night, she just kept thinking of how tightly Lexa had clung onto her. It seemed as if she wasn’t the only one that felt safe when they were together.

By Monday morning Clarke found herself really missing Lexa and she was excited to see her again. She took Finn into the classroom as usual but was very confused to find a strange woman sat at Lexa’s desk. After initially pausing in surprise, Clarke started over to the woman, Finn being led along next to her by the hand. 

“Where’s Lex- I mean, where is Miss Woods?”

The woman looked up at Clarke, unamused. She seemed a little more stern than you’d expect a kindergarten teacher to be.

“Hello to you too, Miss…”

“Griffin,” Clarke supplied. “Hi, sorry, I was just wondering where Miss Woods is?”

“I don’t know, Miss Griffin, I just sub where they tell me to, I’m afraid. Don’t fret, your son is perfectly safe in my hands.”

Clarke nodded and walked away, saying goodbye to Finn before heading off to her car. Lexa was probably just sick but she found herself feeling worried just the same. She considered her only real option as she drove back home and when she reached her house she pulled her phone out of her pocket, finding Lexa’s number in her contacts. She’d had it ever since their date but she’d never actually used it. She sat like an idiot in her car just staring at the blank message with Lexa’s name at the top for a few minutes before she finally began to type.

 

_Hi Lexa, it’s Clarke. We noticed you weren’t at school this morning, are you ok?_

 

It was a few hours before Lexa replied and Clarke was restless the whole time. She had tried to distract herself by drawing but she ended up drawing Lexa from memory and was getting frustrated because it wasn’t quite right. When her phone vibrated she had the message open in seconds, anxious to see what it said.

 

_I have the flu. I feel like I’m dying but I’ll try to be back as soon as I can._

 

Clarke let out a breath. Lexa was just sick, there wasn’t anything to be worried about. She felt sad at the prospect of not seeing her for a few days though.

 

_Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, you get some rest, OK? Finn’s going to want his favourite teacher back soon._

 

_I’m his only teacher, Clarke._

 

Clarke smiled, she had a point. But she couldn’t tell her that she was actually the one that missed her, could she?

 

*

 

“I don’t like the new teacher, when is Miss Woods coming back?” Finn asked when Clarke drove him home later that day.

“I don’t know little man, soon. She’s got the flu.”

“She’s sick?”

“Yeah.”

“Is someone looking after her?”

“I don’t know. She’s a grown up though, I’m sure she’ll be OK by herself.” Clarke quickly glanced over at Finn, finding his face creased up in concern.

“What about her mommy? You always look after me when I’m sick.”

“I don’t think her mom lives around here but Miss Woods is good at taking care of you guys so she should be fine looking after herself.”

“What if you look after her?” Apparently Finn really wasn’t happy with the idea of leaving Lexa to be ill alone and Clarke couldn’t help but smile at his insistence.

“I don’t think she’d want me there.”

“Sure she would! You’re friends now, friends like to see friends, even if they’re sick. And… And I know seeing you makes her happy!”

“Oh yeah? And how do you know that?”

“Miss Woods has a nice smile, it’s a little smile but when she sees you it turns into a _big_ smile.”

“It does?”

“Yuhuh.”

Clarke suddenly felt warm inside and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from grinning like a fool.

“Ooo, Mommy, I know what you should do!” Clarke could see Finn practically bouncing in the seat next to her.

“What should I do?”

“You should take her soup! That’s what sick people need, right? When I’m sick you always make me soup and it makes me feel better.”

“Soup?”

“Yuhuh, you make her some of your yummy soup and take it to her house.”

“I don’t know where she lives.”

“Oh… Ask Anya? Or text Miss Woods, I bet she’d tell you.”

“You think?”

“Yuhuh, I bet it’ll make her have that pretty smile again.”

Lexa really did have a pretty smile and Clarke did miss her… But she didn’t want to impose.

“I don’t know, buddy…”

“I’ll help you make the soup! Please Mommy, I don’t want her to be all sick and sad on her own, she’s too nice.”

Despite the nerves that Clarke felt just thinking about going to see Lexa, she could feel herself bending to her son’s will.

“Alright, I’ll take her some soup-” Finn cheered. “But only if she says it’s alright, I’ll text her when we get back, OK?”

“OK. I bet she’ll say yes.”

“We’ll see.”

 

*

 

And that is how two hours later Clarke was stood at the door to Lexa’s apartment, a bag filled with remedies in hand. She had texted Lexa as soon as she got in, Finn taking the phone from her so he could keep checking to see whether she had messaged back. He came running into the living room when Lexa replied, shoving the phone in her face.

“Look, look, she said OK!”

Clarke took the phone from him and read over the message herself before smiling.

“Looks like we’ve got some soup to make then, little dude, let’s go!”

Lexa answered the door after about a minute and Clarke was quite shocked at her appearance, she really _was_ sick. She was bundled in a blanket, her face scarily pale but her nose bright red, and she was wearing black rimmed glasses. She pushed them up her nose and gave a weak smile when she saw Clarke and beckoned her in before throwing herself down on the couch. Clarke followed, shutting the door behind her, and perched on the arm of the couch by Lexa’s feet.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m here,” Clarke started, feeling kind of bad now she could see how sick Lexa was. “I just have a very stubborn son who insisted that sick people need someone to look after them and bring them soup.”

Lexa heaved herself up to rest her back on the arm of the couch so she could look at Clarke.

“He did?”

“Yeah, he’s really worried about you, he misses you.”

Lexa smiled and already she looked a little healthier. Clarke was definitely glad she came.

“I might have missed you a little bit too…” Clark added.

“Yeah?” The smile was gone now, Lexa’s eyes were wide, a little bloodshot, but beautiful.

“Yeah. I like that I get to see you every day.”

“Me too.”

They gazed at each other for a little while before Lexa folded in on herself, pulling the blanket tighter around her.

“I think I’m dying, Clarke.”

Clarke laughed.

“Oh, sweetie, the flu is horrible.”

“It is, but I think this might be it for me. I’m not sure I can do it anymore.”

“You’ll be fine, come on, let me give you some soup, OK? Little Finn swears by the stuff, it’ll help, I promise.”

“OK, you can get a bowl from the kitchen.”

“Also, he wanted me to give you this.” Clarke dug around in her bag, pulled out a stuffed stegosaurus and handed it to Lexa, watching as her expression changed once more. She seemed so soft, her eyes wide, a little smile claiming her mouth.

“He wanted me to have one of his dinosaurs?”

Clarke nodded.

“He said her name is Indra and she’ll keep you safe until you feel better.”

Lexa folded the toy into her arms and smiled up at Clarke.

“Tell him thank you, he’s so sweet.”

“I will. He’s really taken with you, you know. Oh, and I’ve also got some flu remedies and some orange juice because, you know, vitamin c is good for you,” Clarke said, shrugging.

“Thank you, Clarke, you really didn’t have to do all that. I can pay you back.”

“Oh don’t worry about it, my mom’s a doctor, she makes sure we have all sorts of medicine stocked up in our house. It’s no trouble, really.”

“Alright.” Lexa nodded and gave a weak cough.

“I’m going to go and serve you up some of my soup,” Clarke said, patting Lexa’s leg. “Little Finn helped me make it.”

When Clarke came back she found Lexa in a ball on her side looking thoroughly miserable, her glasses askew.

“I didn’t know you needed glasses,” Clarke said, looking down at Lexa.

“We’re not all fortunate enough to have good eyesight, Clarke. I normally wear contacts.”

“Well they look good on you.”

“Thanks.” Lexa attempted a smile but started coughing, her face creasing up in discomfort. Clarke felt sad just looking at her.

“When you feel better we’re going to hang out and do something fun, OK?” Clarke said, waiting for Lexa to sit up before handing her the soup and sitting down next to her.

Lexa nodded.

“It can be my light at the end of this incredibly long and horrible tunnel.”

“Exactly. So you can’t give up, OK? We want you back up and healthy soon.”

“Alright,” Lexa said, smiling and eating a spoonful of soup.

“Good?”

“Actually, yeah. I don’t normally eat soup but this is nice, thank you.”

Clarke found herself prattling on about random things to Lexa as she watched her eat, feeling proud each time she managed to coax a smile out of her. When she was finished, Lexa placed the bowl on the table and curled back up again.

“I ache all over, it’s so uncomfortable. I haven’t even been able to sleep.”

Clarke scooted closer and hesitated for a second with her hand hovering over Lexa’s back. She took a deep breath and forced herself to move, placing her hand on Lexa and rubbing soothingly.

“I can run you a nice hot bath, that might help to ease the aching a little.”

Lexa hummed as Clarke continued moving her hand against her.

“Actually that would be really nice. I’ve been in these clothes for longer than I’d like to admit, a bath would be great.”

Just as Clarke was about to get up, Lexa stopped her.

“Clarke, wait. Can you… Can you just keep doing that, you know, just for a little while?”

Clarke smiled.

“Of course.”

 

*

 

A freshly bathed Lexa, even a sick one, was quite the sight to behold. Her cheeks finally had a little colour from the warmth of the water, she looked all soft and fresh, and she smelled really nice, Clarke couldn’t help but notice. Lexa had tied her hair up in a bun to stop it getting wet but now it was all falling out and Clarke smiled at her when she sat down next to her.

“Want me to sort out your hair?”

“What’s wrong with my hair?”

“Nothing, I just thought maybe you’d want it off your face.”

“Um, OK, I guess so.”

Clarke scooted until her back was in the corner of the couch and patted the space between her legs.

“Come here, I’ll braid it for you.”

Lexa did as she was told but kept her distance, not letting herself touch Clarke in any way. Clarke pulled the band out of Lexa’s hair, marvelling at just how thick and curly it was. She ran her fingers through it to loosen the tangles, a little thrill pulsing through her every time she heard Lexa hum at the feeling. She couldn’t help but let it remind her of the noises Lexa had made when they were kissing. Clarke shook her head, now was not the time for thoughts like that. Eventually she stopped just playing about and braided Lexa’s hair. When she was finished she found herself moving closer, having Lexa within reach but still being apart felt kind of wrong. 

She moved her thighs to rest on the outside of Lexa’s, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s torso and placing her chin on her shoulder.

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed out. Clarke swore she could feel Lexa’s heart racing against her arms as she held her.

“Is this OK?”

“You’re going to get sick.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well I do, I don’t want you to feel this awful.”

“And I don’t want you to feel this awful either so I’m trying to make you feel better. Is it working?” 

Clarke turned her head into Lexa’s neck and pressed her nose into its curve, somehow feeling calm and exhilarated all at once. She breathed in the soft smell of clean skin and body wash and found herself pressing a kiss into her too-hot skin.

“Yeah…” Lexa leaned into Clarke’s touch, inhaling deeply. “No. Not really. I still feel like I’m going to die but… Now I have something to live for, right?”

Clarke chuckled into Lexa’s neck, placing another kiss there, a little higher up this time.

“You’re so dramatic, has anyone ever told you that?”

“When I’m sick, yes, always.”

“You’re adorable.”

“OK, now that’s a new one.”

“Well, it’s true.”

Lexa’s arms came up to wrap themselves around Clarke’s, her hands holding onto them. They stayed like that for a little while, Clarke with her face burrowed in the crook of Lexa’s neck, pressing kisses into her skin each time she worked up enough courage, and Lexa clinging onto the arms encircling her. Eventually Lexa yawned and Clarke smiled.

“Finally getting tired, huh?”

Lexa nodded.

“I should go and let you sleep. I told little Finn I’d be back by his bedtime to tuck him in and let him know that you’re OK.”

Lexa held on tighter.

“OK.”

“While you were in the bath I logged into my Netflix on your TV, which, by the way, I can’t believe you don’t have, and set up a queue of happy movies to keep you company if you can’t sleep.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Clarke.” 

“I couldn’t help but notice you’d just been laid here in silence.”

“I don’t watch that much TV really. I mostly just read but my head has been hurting too much.”

“Well now you have lots to watch, OK?”

“OK, thank you, Clarke.”

Lexa shifted in Clarke’s arms until she let her go, and then turned around to face her.

“You’re a really good friend.”

Lexa’s smile faltered as she spoke the final word and Clarke completely understood. Did friends cuddle and kiss each other’s necks? Were they going too far or was this becoming more? Clarke decided she didn’t care, she was just going to follow her instincts and so that’s what she did. She placed her hand on Lexa’s cheek, startled by the heat emanating from it, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“You take care of yourself, OK? If you need me… I mean, if you need anything, I’m just a text away. I can even come and see you tomorrow while little Finn’s at school if you want.”

“I’ll be alright, you really should keep away, I don’t want you to catch this. Save yourself, OK?”

Clarke smiled.

“So dramatic but so adorable. Focus on getting better and then I’m inviting you over for a night of fun with me and little Finn when you feel up to it.”

Lexa’s face was soft in the dim light from the lamp and she moved forward, wrapping her arms around Clarke and pulling her in close. When she felt Lexa’s lips on her neck, Clarke sighed, melting into her embrace. She was pretty sure she hadn’t felt so content in years.

Yep, she was definitely glad Finn had badgered her in to coming.

 

*

 

Lexa caved and let Clarke come back the next day. She was restless all night, not managing to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and she kept thinking about how much better it had felt to be suffering in Clarke’s company than it was to be alone. She was weak, so so weak, but somehow being with Clarke made that seem OK. She was still feeling awful, her head throbbing and sinuses painfully blocked, and as much as she didn’t want to move she was very aware that she had been sweating all through the night. The thought of looking even more gross than she already was with the flu wasn’t at all appealing and that’s how she ended up in the shower, her vision beginning to cloud over from the heat of the steam. That plus the fever seemed to be cooking her brain and she stumbled out into the cool bathroom, bracing herself against the wall until she no longer felt that she was about to pass out. She grabbed the first clothes she found when she reached her bedroom and was only just dressed when she heard Clarke knock at the door.

“Jesus, are you OK?” Was the first thing Clarke said when she answered.

“Uh, I mean, no, still dying, but why?”

“You’re bright red!”

“Oh, I may have just boiled myself in the shower. I think it was a bit hot.”

“Yeah, no kidding. You shouldn’t be standing up in hot showers when you’re this sick.” Clarke walked over the threshold and put her arm around Lexa’s shoulders, guiding her inside and onto the couch. As Clarke took her jacket off she looked down at Lexa, her eyebrows rising.

“Are you wearing my shirt?”

“Your…”

Lexa looked down at herself and had she not felt like someone was squeezing her brain like a stress ball she may have felt embarrassed that she was indeed wearing the shirt Clarke had lent her the other day.

“Oh… I wasn’t paying attention. I meant to wash it but then I got sick…”

Clarke’s smile was soft.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It looks better on you anyway.”

“I doubt that, have you seen you?” Yep, the fever was definitely frying Lexa’s brain.

“Come on dopey,” Clarke said, sitting on the couch next to her, cheeks a little flushed. “You should be resting.” She patted her lap. “Come on.”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile back as she moved forward to lay her head in Clarke’s lap. Clarke threw the blanket that was on the back of the couch over Lexa and flicked the TV on, settling herself down. They stayed like that for a long time, Lexa balled up in the foetal position in her blanket and Clarke running her fingers through Lexa’s hair, scratching at her head occasionally. Sometimes her hands would wander a little to her neck and down the back of her shirt, rubbing and gently scratching at her skin. It made Lexa tingle all over and helped distract her from the way that every single muscle in her body seemed to be aching.

When Clarke left her that afternoon, Lexa didn’t even protest when she told her she’d come back the next day too. As much as she didn’t want Clarke to get sick, she also really wanted her company. Clarke pulled her in close, kissing her neck as she burrowed into her. Lexa gripped as tightly as she could manage in her weakened state, breathing in the soft scent, letting it lull her. That’s how they said goodbye every day that week and Lexa dreaded and looked forward to it each time. She hated seeing Clarke go and being left in the silence of her apartment, the place seeing so much emptier without her, but having Clarke so close to her for a few seconds was almost worth it. She couldn’t help but let herself sink into her embrace and forget the fear niggling at her that she was falling, that she was losing the battle with herself. It wasn’t as easy as just choosing to believe that love wasn’t weakness, it was going to be hard to unlearn something she had drilled into herself for the last eight years.

As soon as she was alone again Lexa felt much worse, already missing Clarke. She went and dug Hades out of her bedroom and made him sleep on her lap, pulling her shirt up over her nose so she could breathe in the scent of Clarke that still lingered in the fabric.

 

*

 

The next day Lexa was feeling less like she was burning in the pits of hell and more like death warmed up, it was a small improvement but she still felt like shit. Her apartment seemed to brighten once Clarke was back in it, though, and as much as Lexa fought sleep she couldn’t help but drift off. She wanted to spend as much time with Clarke as possible but something about the other woman’s presence seemed to lull her. It was the only decent sleep she’d managed to get in days. She woke up to find Clarke sitting in the armchair drawing, her face soft, her teeth biting at her lip in concentration. When Clarke looked up and found Lexa watching her she smiled.

“Hey sweetie, how’re you feeling?”

Lexa pushed herself up so she was sitting and pulled her knees up to her chest.

“Tired. I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“That’s alright, I brought my pad with me so I could draw, I got bored of TV.” 

“What’re you working on? That story?”

Clarke looked down at the page, tapping the end of her pencil with it. She looked a little nervous.

“That’s what I intended to do but then I saw you sleeping and looking so adorable I… I kind of drew you instead.”

Having some sleep had made Lexa feel a little more alert and her heart started to race, apparently her reactions were starting to come back.

“You did? But I look horrible, all sick and scruffy.”

Clarke gave a soft chuckle, shaking her head.

“You’re the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, even sick you’re still more gorgeous than most.” Clarke pulled her lips back into her mouth, cheeks red and eyes wide. She looked embarrassed, as if she had said too much, but she didn’t take it back.

“Wow… That’s quite the compliment.”

“I know,” Clarke said quietly, staring intently at her drawing before looking back up at Lexa. “Don’t tell Raven I said that.”

“Why?” Lexa cocked her head to the side. “Would she be… Jealous?”

“No, it’s not that. I just normally give my outlandish compliments to her, she had this mostly-joking self-inflated ego. She likes to get fake offended if I show interest towards anyone else.”

Lexa nodded, thinking.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you and Raven… I mean, did you ever… Date?”

Clarke let out a beautiful laugh and shook her head.

“No, never. Raven has been a lot of things to me over the years but we’re never gone down that route. She’s been my rock ever since… Ever since little Finn’s dad died, we pretty much slept in the same bed for the first year after it happened… She’s my best friend, that’s all.”

Lexa smiled.

“She sounds like a really great one.”

“She is.”

 

*

 

On Thursday Lexa felt better still, her cough was finally relenting and she’d actually managed to sleep through the night. Clarke insisted on coming over anyway and Lexa couldn’t help but notice that Clarke was less tactile now that she was more alert and more like her old self. She may have made herself seem a little sicker to try and get Clarke’s sympathy though, a coughing fit would earn her a sweet rub on the back and each time she curled up and tried to look cute, Clarke’s eyes would soften. Sometimes she’d even kiss her on the forehead. 

Later that day Lexa caught Clarke looking at her graduation photo that stood proudly on a little table in the living room, smiling softly.

“You look really happy there,” she said, gazing at it for a few more seconds before coming to sit next to Lexa. “I’ve had a lot of time to be nosey this week and I’ve noticed it’s the only photo you actually have up in the apartment.”

Lexa nodded.

“I haven’t got many sentimental memories to put up, I guess, but that one means a lot to me.”

“I’ll bet, I would have loved to have finished college.”

“It’s more than just that, though.” Lexa could tell that Clarke was interested, that she wanted her to elaborate, but she appreciated her restraint. It made her think that perhaps Clarke was a good person confide in, not that she was having many doubts about that fact anymore. She allowed herself a few seconds to breathe and will her heart to calm down. Opening this door wasn’t going to be easy, she needed to prepare herself for the onslaught of things that could come out from just talking about this one thing. She could totally do this, she was safe with Clarke, it was OK. “It just reminds me of how I managed to get away from my parents and accomplish something by myself.”

“Wait, your parents didn’t come to your graduation?” Clarke frowned and for a second Lexa really envied Clarke’s happy childhood. Although she knew Clarke had lost her dad as a teenager, she also knew that she’d had a good relationship with both her parents. As a kid Lexa would have done anything just to have a mildly amicable relationship with _one_ of her parents.

Lexa gave a bitter laugh.

“No, of course not. If they had it would have seemed like they approved of me becoming a teacher, or like they approved of me at all, which they really don’t.”

“Wait, how could anyone not approve of someone becoming a teacher? That’s a great job!”

“Not if you’re money obsessed corporate lawyers like my parents.”

“Oh wow, so you weren’t kidding when you said your parents are rich.”

“No, I wasn’t. They own a massive law firm back in L.A.”

“You grew up in L.A.?” The surprise on Clarke’s face made Lexa realise just how little she had actually shared about her life. Although she was never forthcoming with details about her past, little things like where she grew up weren’t really that daunting to talk about but apparently she hadn’t even managed that. But she’d already had a breakdown in front of Clarke, all bets were off, she might as well go for it now.

“Yeah and my parents are the reason I went to college in New York, it was pretty much as far as I could get without leaving the country. Deciding to pursue teaching was the final nail in the coffin for their dreams of me being the heir to their company. I’m pretty sure they knew from early on that I wasn’t the right fit though.”

“How come?”

“We just never really got on, we didn’t share any of the same interests or ideals. I don’t even really remember them having much to do with me when I was young.”

“That’s really sad, Lex,” Clarke said, placing her hand on Lexa’s knee. Lexa watched the movement before looking back up at Clarke’s face again. Her eyebrows were tilted in a way that spoke of sadness and Lexa sighed, they really did need to stop bogging themselves down with unhappy stories from their past. But perhaps it was better to get all the bad out of the way so they could put the past where it belonged. Lexa knew hers had been driving too much of her life to be considered healthy. She was going to try and move past it and not just for Clarke.

“It was sad. But I had a nanny when I was young, she was like the mother I always wished mine was. I had her so I was OK.”

“Do you still see her?”

Lexa’s heart sank.

“No.”

Lexa’s memories of Rose were hazy and not really visual anymore, mostly she just remembered facts about her and the way she made her feel. It saddened her to realise how little she could actually recall about their time together. Mostly she just remembered that she made her feel safe and loved. She remembered how it felt to be bundled up in her arms, she remembered that Rose always kissed her forehead when she went to bed, and she remembered her blue eyes that crinkled up at the corners when she smiled.

“When I was about six my mom was yelling at me about something, who knows what, but I got so mad. I finally shouted back and told her that I wished Rose was my mom and that I wanted to go and live with her instead. The next day Rose was gone. After that my nannies only lasted a few months at a time, couldn’t have little emotional Alex getting attached.” Lexa’s tone was getting bitter again, she could feel the anger brewing inside her.

“Alex?”

“They always called me Alex, they still do.”

“So you still talk to them?”

“Only if you count my mom moaning at me over the phone once a year as still talking. They might have been better parents if I wasn’t such a disappointment to them.”

“I can’t believe that someone as amazing as you could ever be considered a disappointment.”

“It makes me happy to hear you say that because that means you’re nothing like them. I mean, I already knew that but…” Lexa trailed off, making herself take a deep breath to try and calm her erratic heart. Dredging up the past really was difficult.

“I get it, it’s OK.” Clarke gave her a sympathetic smile. “Was it better once you went away to boarding school?”

“For the most part, yeah. I had Anya and Costia and we kind of made our own family, you have to in a place like that. I only ever went home in the summer, the other holidays I would either go to Costia’s or Anya’s.” Lexa braced herself, very aware that the worst part was the next thing she would have to talk about. “But then things got bad in senior year. Costia… Costia was in a car accident a couple of days before school started up. I was worried that I hadn’t heard from her but I just figured her phone broke or something. But then we came back to school and we all got pulled into an assembly to tell us that she died.”

Clarke shifted awkwardly and took Lexa’s hand, giving her the strength to carry on with her story. She could feel the tears thickening in her throat and prickling at the backs of her eyes but she willed them away. It was hard to talk about Costia but there was a sense of relief in finally having someone hear how it made her feel.

“Being there with all of these reminders of her… It hurt more than anything else I’d ever been through. I called up my parents and begged them to let me come home. They had never been very good at being there for me but a stupidly naïve part of me thought that they’d be nicer if they knew my girlfriend had just died but… They basically told me I needed to move on and focus on school, that I couldn’t let a girl ruin my future. They were acting like I’d just got dumped, they just didn’t understand how bad it was. When I told them that I couldn’t move on, not there, and asked them to just send me to a normal school in L.A. they got really mad. Said they hadn’t forked out thousands of dollars to send me to a private boarding school only to have me drop out right near the end and finish in a public school because that’s all that would take me on such short notice. That’s when I decided once and for all that my parents really didn’t care about me. 

“I pushed through for the rest of the year focusing on my classes and hiding out in the library. I didn’t do it because they told me to, I did it to cope. Anya went to loads of parties in the other girls’ rooms and got drunk a lot to get through it, I studied. So I ended up graduating at the top of my class and guess who came crawling back?”

“Your parents?” Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand. Her face was contorted as if she were in pain and Lexa was a little glad to see that she cared so much.

“You’ve got it. They offered to pay for my college, thinking there was still hope that I could be a good heir and they could keep the company in the family. When I decided to pursue teaching they threatened to cut me off unless I chose law instead so I told them fine. They cut me off and I’ve only seen them once since then.”

“But you finished college, how did you pay for it?”

Lexa smiled. Pretty much all of her family were like her parents, all but one.

“My uncle Gus offered to give me the money. He’s my dad’s estranged brother, they didn’t approve of him either. He was the only one I ever felt understood me in the slightest. I told him I wouldn’t just take the money though, I’m still paying him back now. My parents tried to lord money over me my whole life, making me feel guilty for refusing to live their way because of all they had supposedly done for me, I wasn’t going to risk that again.”

“And so that picture of you at graduation, that’s when you finally felt free?”

“Pretty much, I achieved my dream despite my parents and that definitely deserved commemorating.”

“Absolutely. As sad as it makes me to hear what you’ve been through, it really is helping me to understand why you are the way you are. Especially when it comes to love. But these problems aren’t anything to do with you, it’s all about the fact that for the majority of your life you’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people. Ones that try to make you into something you’re not and as a result make you feel weak, instead of ones that appreciate you for the person you are. Once you’ve finally found the right kind of people, they’ll make you even stronger than you already are. Which is pretty damn strong, Lexa.”

Lexa nodded, turning to face Clarke properly. She couldn’t help herself, she reached her hand out to caress Clarke’s cheek, a thrill pulsing through her as Clarke leaned into her touch. She rubbed her thumb over her cheek, her heart racing and filled with awe. Her head felt clearer than it had in days and she somehow felt calm and exhilarated all at once. Clarke gaze was soft and life-affirming and she could feel her running through her system. Somehow Clarke was weaving herself into every inch of Lexa and she was powerless to stop her.

“I think you’re one of the right kind, Clarke,” Lexa whispered. 

She watched as Clarke absorbed her words, she blinked a few times and her breath caught. She could see the moment that Clarke realised the implications of those words, it was when her face softened again, her eyes creasing up at the corners as she smiled. The best part was when Clarke leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek before wrapping her arms around her. The spot where her lips had been carried extra warmth for the rest of the day and she didn’t realise but she kept bringing her fingers up to that spot and stroking at it. 

Lexa wasn’t sure how it happened but despite the power Clarke had over her, she certainly didn’t feel like a weakness.

 

*

 

On Friday Lexa was pretty much feeling herself, she was still struggling to eat a little but other than that she felt so much better. Clarke grinned brightly at her when she answered the door to her that morning.

“Hey, look at you! You look human again!” Lexa was so happy to see her that she stepped straight forward and hugged her. It was a little scary initiating hugs, Clarke seemed to be a more naturally tactile person than Lexa, but it exhilarated her more than she knew how to say. Maybe it was OK to be bold sometimes.

For most of the day they sat on opposite ends of the couch, Lexa reading and Clarke drawing. The peace between them was relieving, Lexa wasn’t often comfortable enough around people to properly relax but it had always seemed so easy with Clarke. She could tell that Clarke was drawing her, even though she seemed to be trying to keep her from seeing the page, because she kept looking up at her. The more she could feel Clarke’s eyes on her, the harder she found it to concentrate, and she kept looking up too. Their eyes met a few times before Clarke smiled and began to blush. It was adorable and Lexa really wanted to hug her again but she wasn’t brave enough this time.

“I’m really glad you’re feeling better,” Clarke said, her pencil stilling.

“Me too, I don’t think I could have taken it much longer. I would have gone back to work today if they’d have let me, they told me just to take the whole week off.”

“Well I’m glad they did, it’s been really nice having you around, it’s quite lonely being a stay at home mom once your kid’s at school.”

Lexa could have floated away she felt so light knowing that Clarke had enjoyed her company. Instead she bit her lip against the giant smile she could feel making its way up from her heart and addressed the latter part of what Clarke had said.

“Have you considered going back to work part time?” She asked, laying her bookmark on the page and closing her book.

“Yeah, I just have no idea what to do. I’ve never really had a proper job before and the only thing I know I’m good at is art.” Clarke shrugged, looking a little despondent. 

“I wish I could do what you do, I don’t have a creative bone in my body. When I teach art with the kids it really hits me how bad I am. I’m pretty sure they’re all better than me…”

“Oh come on, you can’t be that bad.”

“Oh trust me, it’s terrible. You should see the people I draw, they basically just have sausages for arms and legs. Just ask Finn, he laughed at my drawing last week and told me that he didn’t know that not all adults are good at drawing. I guess he’s just been watching you his whole life.”

“He’s a cheeky little bugger, that kid. I’m sorry he made fun of you.”

Lexa shrugged.

“No, I deserved it. He wasn’t being mean though, just curious more than anything…” Lexa frowned, her gaze wandering as something occurred to her. “Wait, I just had an idea.”

Clarke raised her eyebrows, waiting for Lexa to continue.

“You should come in and help out at school, you could do some art with the kids! It would be nice for them to have someone who is actually good at it for a change.”

“Are you serious?” Clarke’s eyes were wide and Lexa was sure they were bluer than any ocean that could possibly exist.

“Absolutely! I mean I’d have to ask the principle but parents often come and help out with various things so I don’t think he’d mind. It wouldn’t be a paid job or anything but it would give you a little something to do sometimes while you figure out what your next move is.”

“That would be great, you’d really do that for me?”

Lexa smiled, her heart feeling warm.

“Of course. You just spent an entire week with a miserable sick person, I owe you majorly for that.”

Clarke ran a hand through her hair.

“You say that like you’re some kind of imposition but I don’t know if you missed the fact that I pretty much forced myself on you all week… I came because I wanted to. And I’m sad I’m not going to be able to spend as much time with you once you’re back at work.”

“Me too. But at least we’ll still see each other every day when you bring Finn to school and pick him up again.”

“Yeah, I guess. But I…” Clarke’s tone became more hesitant but she didn’t break her gaze. “I don’t think that’s going to cut it anymore.”

Lexa’s heart was soaring now, Clarke wanted to keep spending more time with her? Clarke was right, she shouldn’t be surprised but she still couldn’t quite believe that she had this woman in her life. It was quite miraculous.

“Well then I guess we’re just going to have to start spending more time together out of school hours then.”

Before Lexa even realised what was happening, Clarke had launched herself forward and into her arms. With Clarke awkwardly pressed up against her and her hair tickling her nose, Lexa finally had hope that someday soon they would be more than just good friends.


	6. Can't Live This Life With an Empty Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and little Finn invite Lexa to bake with them and Lexa has a debt to repay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is the longest one yet. Truthfully I could have split it in half but I knew where I wanted to end it so I just kept going until I got there. There's a lot going on, I hope it flows well though. We're probably about half way through our story now and our favourite ladies are finally starting to figure things out.
> 
> I can't even explain to you how much your feedback means to me so if you want to make my day, drop me a comment and let me know what you think! :)

When Clarke opened her front door on Sunday evening to find a bashful Lexa on her doorstep, her heart started racing at the mere sight of her.

“Lexa?”

“Hello, Clarke.” She shifted on the spot looking awkward but utterly adorable. “I just wanted to drop off your shirt and Indra, you know, Finn’s dinosaur.” She held out a plastic bag towards Clarke who took it, smiling.

“Thanks, are you feeling back to normal now?”

Lexa nodded.

“Yes, thankfully. I’d better go, I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Lexa was already turning away, not even waiting for Clarke’s reply, and Clarke couldn’t help but call out to her.

“Wait! Do you want to come in?”

Lexa stopped a couple of steps down the path and turned around, her head cocking to the side.

“No, that’s OK, I don’t want to interrupt your evening.”

“You won’t, the girls are out and little Finn and I have just finished dinner, he’ll be happy to see you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Please, come in, just for a little while?”

Lexa started back towards the house, stuffing her hands in her pockets, a small smile creeping across her face.

“OK then.”

They had barely stepped into the house when there were footsteps on the stairs.

“Miss Woods!” Finn’s excited little voice came streaming down to them.

Clarke watched with a grin on her face as Finn ran up to Lexa and threw his arms around her waist. Lexa looked taken aback, her eyes wide as Finn collided with her, but after a few seconds her face softened and she knelt down to hug him properly.

“Hey Finn,” she said when he pulled back to look at her.

“You’re OK! We had this new teacher and we all decided right away that we like you way better. You’re coming back, right?”

Lexa stayed crouched down as she replied.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, don’t worry. I’m all better now.”

“Did Indra keep you safe?”

“She did, and I really liked your soup, thank you for that.”

“That’s OK Miss Woods, I told Mommy it would help.”

“And you were right.”

Finn looked over at Clarke.

“See Mommy, I was right!”

“I know you were buddy.”

He turned back to Lexa, a cute look of triumph on his face. Clarke’s heart felt full, she loved watching Finn and Lexa interact, they had just seemed to click from very early on.

“Miss Woods?”

“Yes, Finn?”

“You wanna bake some cupcakes with us? Mommy said we could make some to bring to school tomorrow.”

“I’d love to. Do you want to know something?”

Finn’s eyes were wide as he nodded eagerly.

“Yuhuh!”

Lexa smiled as she tapped him on the nose.

“I love cupcakes.”

“Me too!”

“And Finn?”

“Yes Miss Woods?”

“Now that your mom and I are friends, while we’re not at school I think it’s OK that you call me Lexa.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“OK Lexa,” Finn said, his smile wide as he tried the word out. “Lexa, Lexa, Lexaaaaaa. It feels weird!”

Clarke laughed and reached out to ruffle Finn’s hair.

“You’ll get used to it buddy, I think you’re going to be seeing a lot more of Lexa now.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“And so do I,” Lexa said, looking over at Clarke. 

Apparently Clarke’s heart was working overtime, she could hear it thumping in her ears as she held Lexa’s gorgeously green gaze.

“Good,” Finn said, nodding his head. He took one of Lexa’s hands in one hand and Clarke’s in the other and began dragging them through the house. “Now come on, it’s cupcake time!”

Clarke and Lexa just followed awkwardly after him, jostling together and smiling.

 

*

 

Clarke and little Finn often baked together just the two of them. They had plenty of help in eating all of their creations, Octavia and Raven were more than willing to scoff down as much cake as they could possibly handle. It was a tradition of theirs to wear aprons as they did so, predictably Finn’s had a dinosaur on and Clarke’s said ‘this is what an awesome chef looks like’ written on the front. As they pulled them on, Finn demanded that they dig out another apron for Lexa because it wouldn’t be fair to leave her out. Clarke rummaged around in the drawers for a while, eventually pulling one out and laughing as soon as she saw it. 

“What?” Lexa asked, walking over to her.

“You know how my friends think they’re funny?”

“Yes?”

“Well they bought me this for Christmas one year, I don’t think you’re going to want to wear it.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“It’s kinda bad.”

“Just show me.”

Clarke grimaced as she unfolded the apron and showed it to Lexa. In big letters it said ‘I love breasts’ with a cartoon chicken printed underneath it. Lexa’s eyes widened when they read it and then she looked at Clarke, her face creasing up as she burst out laughing. Clarke was surprised but completely fascinated, she didn’t think she’d seen such unrestrained laughter from Lexa before. It was quite the sight to behold.

“Mommy, why is Miss- um I mean why is Lexa laughing?” Finn was frowning up at Lexa.

“She likes the apron, I think.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh too and she was surprised when Lexa took it from her, pulling the strap over her head and tying it around her middle.

“You don’t have to wear it.”

“I can’t deny that it’s true, Clarke.”

“You have a point,” Clarke said, shrugging. She could feel her cheeks heating up and she allowed herself to look at Lexa a little longer before she turned to gather up the ingredients. “Alright then team, let’s bake!”

Making the cupcakes themselves went smoothly, Clarke supervised as usual, having to help Lexa more than Finn who had made cupcakes a lot in his little life. Lexa clearly hadn’t ever baked before and tried to add the flour without sieving it first, earning herself an eye roll from Finn because honestly _everyone_ knows that it’s better to sieve flour first! Less than an hour later they had some perfect little buns baked, their sweet smell ebbing all over the house.

“Right, now time for the icing!” Clarke told them, putting the box of icing sugar and a jug of water on the table in front of Finn and Lexa. Finn was stood on his little stool so that he could reach and Lexa had her arm around him, pulling him into her side. 

“This is the best part, Lexa. Mommy is really good at making them all pretty.”

“OK, so it’s just icing sugar and water?”

“Yeah, and you have to sieve this, like the flour Lexa, don’t forget OK?” Finn said, handing her the sieve.

“Yeah, alright, I’ve got it.”

Lexa did as she was told, Finn watching her and giving her pointers. When she sloshed a load of water into the bowl Finn was quick to voice his disapproval.

“No, Lexa! You put too much in, it’s gonna be runny!”

Lexa shrugged and began mixing it all together, creating a watery concoction.

“It’ll be fine, it just needs a bit of stirring.”

Exasperated, Finn looked over to Clarke who just smiled.

“No, it needs more icing sugar, look, it’s too runny!” Finn said, dipping his finger in and demonstrating as it dripped off again. “You want it to be able to stick up like morning hair. That’s how you know it’s thick enough.”

Lexa turned to look at Finn.

“Oh. It is a bit watery.”

“Yuhuh.”

Lexa dipped her finger in the bowl and then tapped Finn’s nose, leaving a perfect circle of white paste in its wake. He screwed up his face and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve.

“That was cold!”

He copied Lexa, tapping icing onto her nose with a devilish grin.

“Hey, cheeky!” Lexa said, reaching out to tickle him. He collapsed into her arms giggling and Lexa was beaming, the icing on her nose forgotten. 

“Come on you two, do I have to pull the mom card and take over?”

The two of them righted themselves and tried to pull back their grins but both just started laughing again. Clarke stepped between them and slung her arms around their shoulders, looking back and forth between them.

“You two are terrible together, how do you get anything done at school?”

“Lexa isn’t like this at school, she’s nice but not this nice.”

“That’s because at school I’m your teacher but here… Here I guess I’m kind of your friend?”

“Yuhuh, I think that’s why you’re different. And because Mommy’s here.”

Clarke kissed Finn on the cheek before looking at Lexa and laughing.

“You still have icing on your nose.”

“I do?”

Lexa brought her hand up to her face and rubbed at her nose.

“Is it gone?”

Clarke shook her head, biting her lip before moving forward and licking it off.

“Now it’s gone.”

Lexa’s jaw dropped and she just stared at Clarke.

“Did you just lick me?”

“Yuhuh, Mommy totally just licked you, Lexa!”

“What can I say, you looked tasty.” Clarke had no idea where her boldness had come from but she winked at Lexa whose face had gone tomato red. Even in the throes of embarrassment she was still gorgeous. 

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Lexa said, her look of surprise being taken over by an incredulous smile.

Clarke just shrugged, holding Lexa’s gaze for a little longer before stepping back. 

“Come on you two, get that icing made so you’ll have time to finish before bed, little Finn.”

“OK Mommy, I’m doing it. Here, look Lexa, you have to add more icing sugar.” Lexa finally turned her attention back to Finn, watching as he poured it into the sieve too quickly, causing it to poof up around them.

“Whoa, now who’s pouring things too quickly?”

“And now who’s being cheeky?” Finn retorted, sticking his tongue out at Lexa.

“That would still be you, kid.”

Lexa grabbed the box of icing sugar and squeezed it, causing another cloud of white dust to explode around them. Finn started laughing and before Clarke knew it, Finn and Lexa were throwing handfuls of icing sugar at each other and running around the kitchen chasing each other. 

She watched them in amusement for a while, marvelling at how the sophisticated and strangely literal woman she had met in a bar a few months ago was now chasing her son around the kitchen in the midst of a food fight. She had known she’d liked Lexa right away but she’d only seen the smallest part of her. With every new thing she discovered she couldn’t help but like her more. The fact that she got on so well with Finn was the ultimate selling point. It was in that moment, as she watched them run around the room giggling, that Clarke realised how much she really liked Lexa, and that she was reaching the point at which she could no longer pretend that she just wanted to be friends. She knew she was wearing a dopey smile as she watched them but it was soon wiped off of her face when Finn darted past her and she got a face full of icing sugar from Lexa that was meant for her devilish son.

“Clarke!” Lexa exclaimed as she came to a halt, her socks skidding on the tiled floor. Finn stopped running too and turned to stare, his jaw hanging. Clarke stood frozen for a minute, blinking the dust from her eyes before grabbing the box from Lexa’s hand and tipping it over her head. Finn was the first to start laughing and soon Clarke and Lexa joined him, Clarke shoving Lexa before pulling her into a hug. Finn came up beside them and threw his arms around the two of them and Clarke picked him up, sandwiching him between the two of them as she hugged them both. They were all still laughing and Clarke knew she hadn’t felt this full in a long time. Just as she was pulling out of Lexa’s embrace, Octavia walked in the kitchen door.

“What the hell is going on here?”

She was dressed in her gym clothes, her bag still slung over her shoulders, and she raised her eyebrows, a smile on her lips.

“Uh, we had a bit of an accident,” Clarke said, trying to hold back her laughter. She looked over to Finn and Lexa before all three of them started laughing again.

“Mommy, I think we’re going to need some more icing sugar…”

She looked around the kitchen and saw it was dusted white like a cold winter’s morning and then back at her equally dusty son and Lexa.

“I think you might be right, little man.”

Octavia shook her head at them as they all started giggling again and walked out of the room.

 

*

 

Take two of icing the cakes went a lot better than the first but it took them a while to clean up the kitchen. Finally the last thing to do was clean themselves up. Clarke led both Finn and Lexa up the stairs, turning the taps on in the bath to get it ready for Finn. 

“Alright, you sort yourself while that’s running little man, I’ll be right in,” Clarke told Finn. She had left Lexa in her bedroom and she went back to her, sighing as she stepped into the room.

“Would you like something to change into?” Clarke said, looking over to where Lexa was hovering awkwardly by the window.

“Uh no thanks, I think I just need to brush myself off a bit, I’ll be alright.”

“You look like you’re going grey, your hair is full of it. When you wash it you might end up with a paste…”

Lexa chuckled as she ran her fingers through her hair and Clarke’s heart stuttered. The boisterous Lexa she had seen with Finn was different to every other version of her she’d seen before but now she was back to being cute and soft again. Clarke was enamoured.

“It’ll be fine.”

“You can shower here if you want?”

“Why is it every time I come here you try to get me out of my clothes?” Lexa’s soft smile had turned sly and Clarke’s insides roiled.

“What can I say, I guess I just can’t help myself.”

Clarke knew they were only playing but the fact that she was actually really attracted to Lexa, and the fact she totally wanted to get her out of her clothes one day, was making this situation seem much less innocent than she felt it should. Lexa stepped closer.

“Thank you for inviting me in, Clarke.”

Clarke shrugged, not able to take her gaze from Lexa.

“Thanks for coming over.”

“Of course, I had to give you back your shirt after all.”

“You know, you could have just given it back to me at school.”

Lexa shuffled on her feet, looking down at the floor for a moment. She kept her head down but lifted her eyes up, looking at Clarke through her long gorgeous eyelashes.

“I know, I just… I guess I just missed your company. I got used to it last week.”

Clarke’s heart grew three sizes and she took a step closer to Lexa.

“You missed me?”

Lexa nodded, biting her lip.

“That makes me feel better because I missed you too.”

“You did?” 

“I did.”

Clarke didn’t know that she was even capable of making someone looked as awe-filled as Lexa did in that moment. Beneath the brush of white powder her cheeks were flushing and Clarke couldn’t help herself. She stepped forward the final few feet that separated them and placed a kiss on Lexa’s cheek. As she pulled back she noticed a little gap in the sugar where her lips had been and so she licked them, humming appreciatively as the sweet taste hit her tongue. She didn’t miss how Lexa’s eyes flicked down to watch the action.

“You taste really good.”

“I do?”

“Mhmm.”

Lexa smiled and touched her lips against Clarke’s cheek. Clarke was entranced as she watched Lexa’s tongue clean the powder off her lips.

“So do you.”

Clarke wanted nothing more in that moment than to move closer but she hesitated, nerves getting the better of her. Instead she reached out a hand to grip the bottom of Lexa’s shirt, her quivering fingers playing at the fabric. Lexa sucked in a breath, pulling her lips into her mouth, her gaze flicking between Clarke’s eyes and her lips. It was quite amazing to see the effect she was having on Lexa, it was making her feel bolder and she found herself wanting to push further.

“And you know what? We look really cool, too,” Clarke said, her voice low.

She quirked her lips in a half smile as she stepped a little closer. Lexa gave a nervous chuckle which was quickly cut off when Clarke’s fingers accidentally brushed against the warm skin of her stomach. Clarke was losing her cool very quickly, she’d initially just been curious but it was all becoming real very quickly. Her heartrate was climbing and now it was her turn to pull in a shaky breath. Lexa’s eyes were wide but she softened when she saw Clarke’s demeanour shift. She gave a reassuring smile and Clarke found comfort in knowing that Lexa understood. She could see it in the way her eyes creased at the corners. That was something she’d always enjoyed about being with women, the care they took with each other could be beautiful. She felt safe, even with the anxiety that had threatened to take over a few seconds ago, she trusted Lexa. The fact that she was feeling vulnerable didn’t have to be a bad thing.

Lexa took Clarke’s hand from her shirt, linking their fingers together and brushing her thumb over the back of her hand. The sweetness of the gesture made Clarke’s heart ache but it was a good ache, it was longing, it was deep, and it was more than she’d felt in so long. She tugged on the hand that grounded her, pulling Lexa even closer. Another inch and they’d be touching. Lexa squeezed her hand, her eyes glistening in the lamplight, a constellation of possibilities lighting Clarke’s way into the unknown. 

Somehow her hands were on Lexa’s hips and she pulled their bodies together, Lexa's hands gripping onto her arms as if she needed to steady herself. Lexa’s sigh was the music that attempted to calm Clarke's erratic heart.

“Clarke?”

“Mhmm?”

“Are you sure we should… That you…”

Clarke pressed their foreheads together, silencing Lexa. She nodded against her.

Another inch closer and their noses brushed. Clarke kept her eyes open, unable to tear her gaze from the beautiful woman that she felt so overwhelmed to be in the proximity of. Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed as Clarke gripped her hips tighter, attempting to pull her body closer. It wasn’t possible but that _need_ was there, the desire for more. Everything felt so new even though they’d done this before. But this time it was different, this time Clarke was feeling things and that made it even scarier. This wasn’t just about the physical, this was real intimacy.

There was only one thing left to do and her heart was galloping as she considered it. She licked her lips, moving her face closer. Her heart was pounding in her chest, blood rushing in her ears, her knees trembling. There was a buzz running through her veins and it kept her going, there was no backing out now. She leaned forward to close those final few inches and her eyes drifted closed, her breath holding ready to sigh as she-

“Mommy!”

Clarke and Lexa sprang apart, the moment shattered. Lexa’s eyes were wide, her cheeks flushed, and Clarke snorted at the awkwardness of the situation.

“I’m coming, buddy!” She called out.

“The water’s getting too high, it’s gonna spill!”

“Ah shit,” she muttered, looking over to Lexa.

“You can head downstairs once you’re dusted off, put some TV on or something. I’ll be down soon.”

Lexa just nodded, looking completely dazed. Clarke was right there with her.

 

*

 

Clarke headed downstairs half an hour later to find Lexa nestled into the corner of the couch watching TV. When she heard Clarke she turned to look at her, smiling.

“Finn’s in bed now, I think you guys running around the kitchen tired him out.”

“He’s not the only one,” Lexa said, chuckling.

Clarke moved forward to sit next to her.

“You’re so good with him.”

“Well I am a teacher, Clarke.”

“I know but he likes you as much more than just a teacher.”

“I feel the same about him, he’s a great kid. We’re not really supposed to have favourites but…” Lexa shrugged. “I can’t help it, he’s won me over.”

“He’s a crafty little thing like that.”

Clarke found herself really wanting to bring up the almost-kiss from before but each time she went to talk about it something in her throat stopped her. She sighed and decided just to leave it. If something was going to happen between them at some point, it would.

“So what are you watching?” She decided to ask instead.

“A documentary about penguins,” Lexa said, pointing to the TV and Clarke looked over, confirming that it was indeed penguins on the screen. “You can change it if you want, put a movie on or something?”

“What’s your opinion on musicals?”

“I don’t really have an opinion.”

“Sometimes I just feel like I need to watch people sing and dance, you know?”

“Not especially but I’m happy to watch whatever you want.”

“How about Pitch Perfect?”

“That’s the a cappella one, right?”

“You’ve never seen it?”

Lexa shook her head.

“It’s not technically a musical because the characters know they’re singing and the songs don’t progress the story but I still love it. Also, it’s possibly the gayest heterosexual movie you’ll ever watch.”

“How can a heterosexual movie be gay?”

“Oh Lexa, you’re about to find out.”

Lexa shook her head at Clarke, smiling.

“OK, let’s do it.”

As they watched the movie, Clarke kept looking over to Lexa and commenting on her favourite bits. She adamantly pointed out the parts that she thought seemed ‘gay’ and Lexa just smiled at her each time.

“I bet you’re a pain in the ass in a movie theatre,” Lexa commented about half way through. 

“I’m just making sure you don’t miss out on vital plot points!”

“You’re talking through the vital plot points, Clarke.”

“Oh… Yeah, sorry.”

Clarke was quiet after that, staring at the TV and willing herself not to add her own commentary. Lexa kept looking over at her, obviously expecting her to speak again but Clarke was determined not to. The Bellas were singing their pool mashup when Lexa spoke.

“Would you look at the heart eyes the grumpy one and the redhead are giving each other? This is so _gay_.” She looked over at Clarke, grinning as she reached to shove Clarke’s arm with her hand. Clarke’s self-imposed silence broke with a big laugh and she couldn’t help it, she had to start talking again.

“I know, right?”

“And you’re telling me that they _don’t_ get together by the end of the movie?”

Clarke sighed and shook her head.

“Unfortunately not.”

“But they’re so obviously in love with each other.”

“I guess the writers just didn’t realise the potential they had right in front of them.”

“You can say that again.”

“Life is much better with a bit of gay in it,” Clarke said, enjoying the view of Lexa’s rather stunning side profile as she watched her watch the movie.

“Mhmm,” Lexa agreed, not taking her eyes off the screen. Clarke had a feeling that by the time she was done with Lexa, she was going to have a real musical-lover on her hands. 

“Clarke, you should watch the movie, not me.”

“Huh?” Clarke had forgotten all about it and she shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Oh, right. I was just… Enjoying the gay?”

“Oh ha ha, very funny. There’s lots of gay in the movie too, you can just watch that.”

“But I’ve seen it lot of times.”

“And you see me pretty much every day.”

“Yeah but it’s still not enough.”

A thrill pulsed through Clarke as Lexa reached out to take her hand, a pretty smile on her face, before turning back to the TV. Clarke found herself shuffling closer until her arm was pressed against Lexa’s. She’d forgotten all about the movie again as she turned her head to Lexa who was now just inches away from her. She could see the soft skin of her neck and she bit her lip, trying to gather the courage to lean forward and press a kiss there.

“Mommy?”

Clarke jumped at Finn’s voice and whipped around, her heart racing. She had been on another planet completely. Planet Lexa. It was a really nice planet to exist on.

“Finn sweetie, what’s up?”

He came padding over to her, his hair all mussed up and a crease pressed into his cheek.

“I had a bad dream, can I sit with you?”

“Oh buddy, of course you can, come here.”

Finn hopped up onto the couch and snuggled into Clarke’s side, his big brown eyes gazing over at Lexa. Lexa smiled at him, reaching out to ruffle his hair.

“Hey little guy, you OK?”

“Yeah, I am now,” he said, his voice small and laced with sleep.

“You want me to get you some milk?” Clarke asked him, kissing the top of his head.

“Yes please, Mommy.”

Clarke got up and took the blanket off the back of the couch, laying it over his tiny form.

“I’ll be right back.”

When Clarke returned a few minutes later with a cup of warm milk in hand, she found Finn tucking Lexa up under the blanket with him. She smiled at the sight before her, her entire being warming at the love she saw in Lexa’s eyes as she thanked him and smoothed her hand over his hair again.

“Is there room for one more?” Clarke asked.

“Of course,” Lexa said, lifting up the blanket and letting Clarke slot between them. She handed Finn his cup before looking over to Lexa. Lexa lifted her arm a little and indicated with her head until Clarke moved into the space and she put her arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close. Clarke did the same to Finn and he snuggled into her other side, sipping his milk, his eyes already drooping. Lexa adjusted the blanket over the three of them and they turned their attention back to the end of the movie. Clarke looked from Lexa to Finn, starting to feel drowsy in her little cocoon of comfort, feeling very content.

 

*

 

As much as she had enjoyed a Clarke-filled week, Lexa was extremely happy to be back in her classroom. She wasn’t really the kind of person content with nothing to do and it felt good to have some structure back to her life. She sat at her desk as she waited for her kids to come in, expecting Finn to be one of the first. Clarke always had him there early and Lexa often wondered if it was so she could talk to her a little before the other kids got there. She didn’t like to presume such a thing though and she definitely wasn’t secure enough yet in her friendship with Clarke to ask her. 

Finn was actually one of the last kids to enter that day and he was alone. Or so it seemed anyway. He came running straight up to Lexa and beamed up at her.

“Miss Woods, you _are_ back!”

“Of course I am, I told you I would be.”

“You did!” He said, nodding.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Oh,” he said, looking back at the door. “She’s coming, she’s just feeling bad today.”

“Bad? What kind of bad?”

“Sick bad, like you were sick.”

Lexa’s heart sank, so she had got Clarke sick after all. Finn ran off to his friends just as Clarke slumped in the doorway looking rather awful. Lexa was at her side in seconds.

“Clarke, you shouldn’t be up if you’re sick.”

Clarke looked up at her with glassy eyes, her cheeks rosy but the rest of her face deathly pale.

“I didn’t have a lot of choice. I had to get little Finn to school. Raven and Octavia where already gone when I woke up. I was fine when I went to bed, if I hadn’t have been I would’ve asked one of them to take him.”

Lexa found herself wanting to reach out to brush Clarke’s dishevelled hair back off her face but she remembered where she was at the last second and curbed her impulse. 

“It looks like it hit you hard and fast.”

Clarke nodded, her mouth tilted down.

“Well make sure you go straight back home and rest up, OK?”

“Yup, I don’t think I’m capable of any more physical activity today.”

“And can you get someone else to come and pick Finn up?”

Clarke breathed out deeply, leaning her back against the doorframe. She shook her head.

“Nope, everyone is working I think. I’ll be OK, I just need some more sleep.”

“Clarke, you saw how the flu knocked me out for almost a week, a nap isn’t going to cure this.”

“I’m a mom, we soldier on.”

Lexa rolled her eyes at the defiance she could see in Clarke’s expression before an idea occurred to her.

“I can bring him home.”

“You can…”

“I mean I can drop him off at yours when I’m done here. We’ll be a little later than you’d usually have him home by because I have to clean up and everything but I can bring him to you.”

“Are you… Sure?”

Clarke looked so out of it that Lexa was really starting to worry.

“Yes, I’m sure. Finn can help me out here and then I’ll bring him to you. You just go home, drink plenty of water, and get some sleep, OK?”

Clarke gave her a weak smile and nodded.

“OK. Will you tell him for me? I’m pretty sure that if I stand here much longer I’m going to pass out.”

“Of course. Are you going to be alright to drive?”

“Yeah yeah,” Clarke said, her eyes shut as she waved her away with her hand. “I just need to not be standing.” 

“Alright, I’ll see you later, Clarke. Be careful.”

Clarke opened her eyes and gave Lexa a weak smile before she backed out of the room.

Lexa couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, she’d been hoping to ask Clarke to do something with her tonight. But now Clarke was sick… It was going to be at least a week before she’d be up to doing much and Lexa was sad at the prospect. At least she’d get to see her tonight though, even if it was just when she was dropping off Finn. That would have to do for now. She’d just have to torture herself with thoughts of that almost-kiss for a little longer before she could try to get Clarke alone again. 

 

*

 

It quite amusing how excited Finn was when Lexa told him he was going to stay behind after school with her. It was as if he’d just been told he was going to Disney World or something and she was struck by how warmly she felt for him as his happy little face gazed up at her. He chatted to her animatedly as they tidied up the classroom and he read his book quietly when she told him there was some paperwork that she had to finish off before they could go.

Finn didn’t even hesitate when he reached his front door a while later, he twisted the door knob and let himself straight in. Lexa had been worrying the whole drive home that she would wake Clarke up when she had to knock, she didn’t want her to have to get up to get the door when she was feeling this bad. But apparently Finn knew his mom well enough to know that the door wouldn’t be locked. Lexa made a mental note to scold Clarke for that later. 

The first place they looked for Clarke was in the living room and sure enough, there she was sprawled out on the couch. She was laid flat on her stomach, an arm and a leg hanging off the side, it was a miracle really that she hadn’t fallen off. Lexa could tell just how ill Clarke must have been feeling when she had got in because she hadn’t even taken her shoes off.

“Mommy?” Finn said gently, walking over to her and placing his hand on her shoulder. Clarke didn’t stir. “Is she OK, Miss Woods? Lexa?”

“She’s pretty sick but she’ll be OK. She’s just asleep.”

“We should give her soup. It worked for you, remember?”

“I do remember, and maybe we will later. But I think we should let her sleep for now, OK?”

“Sure thing, should I go and play upstairs so I don’t wake her up?”

Lexa nodded, she was always surprised at how considerate Finn was.

“That’s a good idea, I’m going to stay here in case she needs anything. I’ll stay until she wakes up or until Raven or Octavia get home, alright? So I’ll be here if you need anything.”

“OK, that’s good. I think Mommy would like you to look after her.” He nodded to himself before flashing Lexa an encouraging smile and running out of the room. 

Lexa looked back at Clarke’s lifeless form for a few seconds, unsure of what she should do. She couldn’t possibly be comfortable laid there with her shoes on so Lexa did the only thing she could think of, she stood at the end of the couch and pulled them off. Clarke grinned a little in her sleep when Lexa accidentally brushed her fingers against her foot and she pulled her knees into her chest, balling herself up, a pout taking over her face as she tucked her fist under her chin. There was a sheen of sweat on her skin and Lexa placed a hand on her forehead, alarmed at how hot she was. She thought about putting a blanket on her but she decided against it, she looked too warm. She really wanted to take care of her but she wasn’t sure how to with Clarke asleep. So she settled for just keeping an eye on her instead.

 _This could be a long afternoon,_ Lexa thought as she went and sat in the armchair. Luckily she always carried a book around with her and after a while she found herself fading into another world, the slightest hint of thoughts of Clarke still pressing at the back of her mind. She found it difficult to shut her out completely these days.

 

*

 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed but suddenly she was roused from her book by Finn.

“Lexa, I’m hungry, can you make me some dinner?”

Lexa looked at her watch, it was half past five. She peered over at Clarke, finding that she hadn’t moved at all in the time that she had been sat there. At her best guess, Clarke must have been comatose for almost nine hours. That was either impressive or extremely worrying.

“When are Raven and Octavia usually home?”

Finn shrugged.

“I dunno.”

“Well I guess I’d better make you some dinner then.”

“Thanks Lexa, my tummy’s all grumbly.”

“I’m going to try and wake your mom up now then I’ll cook you something. I’ll call you when it’s ready, OK?”

“M‘kay.”

Finn left and Lexa got up, feeling nervous all of a sudden. She’d wanted to talk to Clarke all day but now she was faced with the task of waking her up, she wasn’t sure she was ready to yet. She knelt down in front of her, placing a hand on her cheek.

“Clarke?” She said softly, tracing her hand from Clarke’s cheek to her hair. She scratched at Clarke’s head, threading her fingers into her hair. Nothing. She repeated her name again, moving her hand this time onto Clarke’s back and rubbing gently. Still nothing. She placed her hand on Clarke’s arm and shook her a little. Still nothing. Lexa was starting to panic. She knew Clarke was alive because she could feel her breath on her face but she was apparently very deeply asleep.

A tightening in Lexa’s gut made her move forward and put her lips on Clarke’s forehead and when she pulled away, droopy blue eyes met her own.

“Lexa?” Clarke croaked out. Her eyebrows stitched into a frown and she pulled her head back a little to try and focus her eyes.

“Clarke,” Lexa replied, breathing out a sigh of relief.

“Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“School finished hours ago.”

Clarke shook her head, her frown lines deepening.

“No, I just got home and thought I’d have a quick lay down here before trying to get up the stairs to bed.”

“That was about nine hours ago, Clarke.”

Suddenly Clarke was sitting bolt upright, her eyes wide, her face bare of any colour at all.

“Oh my god, where is little Finn?” She leapt to her feet and almost immediately sat back down, her hand to her forehead. “Oh shit, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Lexa moved to sit next to her, putting her hand on her thigh.

“Finn is upstairs, I brought him home like I said I would.”

“You said… Oh yeah, you said you’d bring him home for me.”

Clarke looked incredibly dazed and while it hurt Lexa’s heart to see her looking so ill, she was still adorable.

“And I did, don’t worry.”

Clarke nodded.

“Don’t worry, I won’t worry…” Clarke was mumbling and Lexa’s relief was fading fast. 

“We need to get some food and water into you, Clarke. While I’m sure you needed all of that sleep, your body also needs sustenance.”

“Food is… No… I’m OK. I just need sleep.”

“You can have sleep after food, OK?”

“Sleep after… Food?”

“Yes, food.”

“OK, food.”

“What do you want?”

“Pizza.”

“Pizza?”

“Yeah, pizza. Freezer. Lots.”

Clarke slumped back in her seat.

“I’m thirsty.” Her eyes looked blearily at Lexa.

“I’ll get you some water and put a couple of pizzas in the oven.”

“Angel.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sometimes you remind me of an angel.”

“Clarke, your fever is making you delirious. I’m going to get you something to help bring it down.”

“Even if I’m deliri… deliri-lous? You’re still an angel. A pretty angel saving me from the sadness.” Her hand reached out as if she wanted to caress Lexa’s face but what actually happen was a few sloppy pats and Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle.

“OK weirdo, whatever you say. I’ll be right back.”

With some medication, food, and water in her system, Clarke started to become more lucid and Lexa was back to being relieved again. As much as she could tell Clarke really wanted to cuddle up to Finn when she saw him, she told him to keep his distance. Neither of them wanted him getting sick, they knew all too well how badly they had felt. So Clarke stayed on one couch and Finn and Lexa sat on the other, Finn pressed right up into Lexa’s side as they watched some TV. She was just about to ask when Clarke’s friends would be home when all of their attention was captured by the sound of the front door.

Raven appeared in the doorway a few seconds later, her eyes widening at the sight before her.

“Holy sh…” Her eyes flicked to Finn. “I mean, holy cow, you look terrible, Clarke! What happened?!”

“Lexa got me sick.”

Lexa turned to look at Clarke, her jaw dropping.

“Hey, I told you that you shouldn’t have stayed with me every day last week.”

“Wait, you were at Lexa’s every day last week?!” Raven’s jaw was the one dropping now.

“Mommy was looking after Lexa because she was sick,” Finn explained, completely oblivious to the tension in the room.

Raven’s eyes were wide as they flicked between the three of them.

“Another time, Raven, please?” Clarke said, her voice weak.

“Sure, sure, you get a grace period on account of the illness and everything. Just don’t spread your germs around and we’re good.”

“I’ll do my best. Will you get Finn sorted for bed and tuck him in for me later?”

Raven was nodding and just about to answer when Finn piped up again.

“I want Lexa to put me to bed.”

Clarke looked over at him and Lexa could see that she felt awkward. She knew Clarke didn’t want to put her out but she was touched by Finn’s words and she stopped Clarke before she could even say anything.

“I can put him to bed, I don’t mind.”

Lexa noticed that Raven’s eyebrow quirked up at her words but chose to ignore it. She knew she’d be getting a call from Anya later demanding to know everything, she had neglected to tell her of the time she and Clarke had spent together too. They had made this happy little bubble together and it was so much better without other people in it while they were still feeling everything out. Apart from Finn, of course, he was always allowed in the bubble.

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked, looking a little worried. “Don’t you have to get home?”

Lexa shrugged.

“No, not really. Hades can wait, he’s got plenty of food out.”

“Who’s Hades?” Finn asked, his gaze turning back to Lexa.

“He’s my cat.”

“You have a cat? Awesome! Can I see him one day?”

“Sure, if you want to.”

“I do!”

“Then you can meet him. But for tonight, I’ll stay and put you to bed, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Finn said, snuggling further into Lexa’s side. His gaze was recaptured by the TV, leaving the women looking between each other.

“So… If I’m not needed, I’m going to get some dinner and, uh… Make a call.”

Lexa rolled her eyes, that’d be Anya she was calling then.

“You don’t have to stay, Lexa, really,” Clarke said once Raven had left.

“I know I don’t have to, I want to. You took care of me all of last week, now let me take care of you and Finn.”

Clarke smiled softly and nodded her head, chewing her lip as she regarded her.

“Alright. Another half an hour of TV then you can put him to bed.” She fiddled with the pillow she was clutching to her chest. “And maybe you can put me to bed, too? Otherwise I’m going to end up on this couch all night, I just know it.”

Lexa smiled.

“I can do that.”

Clarke looked relieved and Lexa shifted to get comfier, putting her arm around Finn and pulling him in closer. She was sure she could feel Clarke’s eyes on her but she didn’t dare turn to look.

 

*

 

Finn was all tucked up in bed, looking adorable in the soft lamplight.

“Goodnight, Finn,” Lexa said looking down at him.

“No, that’s not how you do it,” Finn said, frowning and shaking his head.

“How else am I supposed to say goodnight?”

“You’re supposed to read to me first and _then_ you say goodnight!”

“Oh…”

“Mommy reads to me every night. She sits right here,” he patted the spot next to him, “and she reads me Harry Potter. We’re on number two now.”

Lexa smiled, of course Clarke would read Harry Potter to her son. Every new thing Lexa learned about Clarke made her like her even more.

“Well if your mom does it then I guess I have to do it too,” Lexa said, moving to sit next to Finn. She got that warm feeling inside her again when Finn cuddled into her side, it was strange but not unpleasant. 

“Yuhuh, you do. The book is on the nightstand, see?” Finn pointed to the side next to her and Lexa reached out to take the book.

“Alright then kid, let’s go to Hogwarts!”

Finn looked up at her.

“They’ve not got to Hogwarts yet, we’ve only just started.” He rolled his eyes and Lexa laughed, so cheeky but so endearing.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.”

“That’s OK.”

Lexa had barely read a sentence when Finn interrupted her.

“When you get to the talking, you have to do voices. Mommy always does the voices. Sometimes Octavia and Raven try but they aren’t as good as Mommy.”

“Voices?”

“Yeah, like the people.” He lowered his voice, “Like how Hagrid talks like this.” He enunciated clearly with the next line, “and Hermione talks all perfect.” 

“Right, voices, got it.”

While she felt a little self-conscious at first she soon started enjoying reading this way and Finn seemed quite engrossed. When she noticed his eyes drooping she closed the book and shifted so she could look at him.

“It’s sleep time now, Finn,” she told him. Big brown eyes looked sadly up at her.

“Oh, but it’s so good!”

“I know but you can read more tomorrow.”

“Will you read me some more tomorrow?”

“If your mom is still too sick then yes, I will.”

She stood up and adjusted the duvet around Finn once he had snuggled right down.

“Good, I like it when you’re here.”

“And I like being here.”

Finn smiled before his face turned thoughtful.

“I heard at school that you get sick when you kiss people. Is that how Mommy got sick, because she kissed you when you were sick?”

Lexa was completely caught off-guard and she could feel her face reddening.

“Uh…” She cleared her throat, trying to think of the best way to answer. She’d got fairly good at being diplomatic working with incredibly curious five year olds for the last few years.

“That’s not quite how it works. People get sick from other people by being close to them. So because kissing makes you close to someone, sometimes it can make you sick if they’re sick. But sometimes it can be just being in the same room as someone, or even just walking past them in the street.”

“Oh.” Finn’s head was cocked to the side and Lexa could almost see the cogs whirring behind his eyes.

“So what about when you kiss someone to make them better? Why do people do it if they might get sick?”

“Well, I guess they do it because they love the person, they want them to get better so they try to help them.”

“Oh, so Mommy kissed you to make you better but now she’s sick.”

“No, she didn’t-”

“So now you need to kiss _her_ better and then no one will be sick!” His little forehead creased up. “Or will you get sick again?”

Lexa laughed.

“I won’t get sick again and your mom didn’t kiss me, Finn.”

“She didn’t?” 

Lexa shook her head. Well, just on her forehead and her neck. Not in the way she really wanted to be kissed. But he didn’t need to know any of that.

“Oh. You know how some girls only kiss girls and sometimes girls only kiss boys and sometimes they kiss both?”

“Yes?” Lexa was a little concerned where he was going with this.

“Do you like kissing girls, Lexa?”

Yep, that was where she was worried he’d go. But he was an open-minded kid, she figured it couldn’t hurt to be honest.

“I do.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“It is?”

“Yuhuh.”

“Why’s it good?”

“Because sometimes Mommy likes kissing girls too. So you could kiss each other if you wanted to.”

Lexa couldn’t help herself, she was curious as to where he was getting all of these ideas from.

“Do you think we want to kiss each other?”

Finn nodded.

“Yuhuh, I do.”

“And why do you think that?”

“The smiling.”

“The smiling?”

“Yuhuh, Mommy smiles more when you’re around. I make her smile a lot and she loves me. You make her smile a lot too so I think she loves you too. Sometimes love makes people kiss. Like James’s parents.”

Lexa’s heart was racing. He may only be a kid but she was very aware of how astute he was. Obviously the love part was an over-exaggeration but the smiles… Lexa hoped that she made Clarke smile a lot. She certainly seemed to.

“Would it be weird if your mom and I kissed?”

Finn bit his lip, his forehead creasing up again.

“Kinda, I guess. Kissing is really weird. But I like it when Mommy is happy so if it makes her happy then it’s not weird, it’s good. Mommy is still sad about Daddy sometimes and I don’t want her to be sad anymore.”

“I don’t want her to be sad either, kid. I’ll do what I can to make her happy and you do the same, how about that?”

Finn beamed up at her.

“Yuhuh, I like that.” He held his little hand up to her. “Deal?”

Lexa nodded, taking his hand and shaking it gently.

“Deal.”

Finn gave a big yawn and Lexa chuckled.

“OK, enough talking now, you get some sleep.”

“Alright.”

Before she even knew what she was doing, she was leaning down and placing a kiss on Finn’s forehead. When she felt his arms loop around her neck her heart lurched in her chest and she found herself pulling him into a hug. It was in that moment that she realised what the warmth inside her was that she felt when she interacted with Finn. It was love. Lexa loved Finn, somehow he had wormed his way into her heart and she loved him like he was her own. That was completely crazy and utterly terrifying all at once. Her feelings for Clarke were confusing, she still didn’t know where they stood, but with Finn it was easier in some ways. He was a great kid and she loved him. _Wow,_ he really was powerful.

“Goodnight, Lexa,” he said softly. She squeezed him a little tighter before letting him go and tucking him back up. Her heart was almost full to bursting and she could feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes as she took in his angelic little face.

“Goodnight, Finn.”

“Don’t forget, you have to kiss Mommy better.”

Lexa gave a little laugh.

“OK, I will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

 

*

 

Lexa had led Clarke into her bedroom before she put Finn to bed and while she knew she should go and check on her, she wasn’t quite ready to yet. Not after the conversation she and Finn had just had. She made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and was startled to find Octavia sat in there eating her dinner.

“Octavia, hi, I didn’t know you were home.” She grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap.

“Hey, yeah, I think you were putting Finn to bed when I got back. Raven told me that you’re helping Clarke out because she’s sick.”

Lexa nodded, taking a sip of water before speaking.

“Yeah, it’s the least I could do seeing as though she’s only sick because she was kind enough to help me out when I was sick.”

“How very sweet of you… Of both of you, I guess. Is Finn asleep now?”

“He should be getting there, I read to him and said goodnight.”

“Did he make you do the voices?”

“He did.”

Octavia laughed.

“That kid knows how to get what he wants.”

“He certainly does. And he just blows me away, he’s so observant and clever.”

Lexa felt awkward, the conversation she’d just had with Finn pressing hard into the forefront of her mind. She clasped her hands in front of her, her fingers restless.

“Oh no, I know that look, what did he say to you?” 

Octavia patted the seat next to her and Lexa hesitated. She barely knew Octavia, did she want to talk to her about this? The smile Octavia gave her was soft and reassuring and so she decided to sit. She kind of did feel like she needed to talk to someone and Clarke wasn’t exactly in a good state at the moment. She tapped her fingers on her glass, a little nervous.

“He… Uh… He asked me if I like to kiss girls and when I told him I do he said it was good because his mom does too.”

Octavia chuckled, her fork stilling in mid-air. Lexa took a deep breath, it was going to take a lot of courage to say the next part.

“And then he said he thinks we want to kiss each other and that if it makes us happy then it’s not weird.”

“Of course he did.” Octavia shook her head. “He spends too much time with Raven, she’s a bad influence. All of that scheming has rubbed off on him.”

“Scheming?”

“Raven’s always got some kind of project she’s working on with one of us, her latest project has been getting you and Clarke together.”

Lexa sighed, very aware that her cheeks were growing hot.

“Yes, I figured as much. She and Anya are as bad as each other. So is that where Finn got the idea from then? From Raven?”

“Possibly. But the kid’s not blind, anyone can see the way you two are with each other. I’ve only spent one evening with you two together and I can see it, that kid sees you together every day. Like you said, he’s clever.”

“Everyone else seems very clued in on all of this but I feel completely lost. Things are… Strange between me and Clarke.”

Octavia nodded. Her eyes were inquisitive but despite the harsh angles of her rather striking face, there was something very gentle about her. Lexa was grateful to her and also rather surprised that she was able to talk like this without freaking out.

“You’re in limbo.”

“Limbo?”

“Yeah. You had an… Intimate encounter, let’s call it, and then decided to just be friends. Now you both want to be more but you’re not sure how to move forward.”

“You think Clarke wants to be more?”

“Have you not been paying attention to what everyone has been telling you?”

Octavia had a point… And Clarke _had_ almost kissed her yesterday…

“Raven and Anya are right, you are just as clueless as Clarke. I didn’t even think that was possible.”

“I’m not very good at this. It’s been a long time since I…” Lexa trailed off, not knowing how to explain herself. Octavia saved her the trouble.

“Look, I understand what Raven and Anya are trying to do but I feel it’s my responsibility to be the protective one here. Raven gets carried away with her little projects and sometimes people get hurt or disappointed and I’m always the one who has to pick up the pieces. If you ask Clarke or Raven, they’ll tell you that Raven is the rock in this friendship, the one we all lean on in hard times and that’s partly true. But Raven is a fixer. She always has been, it’s why she’s such a good mechanic. She’s also an optimist. So when Raven finds a problem she tries to fix it and most of the time she can and because of that we all lean on her. But when everything falls to the ground and she can’t piece it back together… That’s when I come in. I’m damage control. So if Raven succeeds, I’m going to have one smug friend and a smitten one. If this all goes to shit… I’m going to be picking them up off the floor.”

“Octavia-”

“Let me finish, Lexa. You can plead your case in a minute. My point is, I’ve heard about your history with women. I’m not going to shame you, you’re entitled to lead your life any way you choose but I just want you to know that you can’t do that with Clarke. She is finally opening herself up again with you, she’s slowly coming back into herself and I’m so pleased to see it but I can’t help but worry what’ll happen if you screw her over. So I just want you to know that if your plan is just to sleep with her and move on, you need to give up on that idea and leave Clarke alone. If you actually genuinely like her, if this isn’t all some kind of act, then just be careful with her, OK? I’ve seen enough of heartbroken Clarke to last a lifetime. She’s one of the best people I know and I’ll go all warrior princess on your ass if you break her heart, OK?”

Lexa just sat and watched Octavia as she spoke, completely shocked. She couldn’t believe that she had just been given such a speech. On the one hand she could completely understand where Octavia was coming from, she _did_ have a bit of a track record with women… But on the other hand, she was a little offended that what she was doing could be construed as an act. Lexa wasn’t entirely sure how she felt but she knew it was all completely real. That’s what made it so terrifying.

“Can I talk now?”

Octavia nodded, holding out her hand as if she were giving her the floor. Lexa gathered herself, time to be honest and vulnerable. _Fuck,_ this was scary.

“You probably won’t know this, I doubt Clarke would have told you and I know Anya won’t have because she never talks about it… But when I was seventeen my girlfriend died. We’d been officially together for two years but we’d been best friends for six. It broke me and I told myself that I’d never open myself up to that much pain again. But I’m human and I got lonely so I sought comfort in many different women over the years. The relief was temporary but it was better than the prospect of getting hurt again. But then I was pestered into a blind date with Clarke and there was something about her… It got inside me. Since then, things have been different.” She let out a breathy laugh, completely overwhelmed that she was finally admitting this to a virtual stranger when she’d not even really admitted it to herself yet. “Clarke is special and, for the first time since Costia, I want more.”

Octavia had just been watching Lexa with a neutral expression but as she got further into her speech, her gaze relaxed and a smile took over her face.

“Oh,” she said finally when Lexa stopped talking.

“Yeah.”

“So you get it? What it’s like to lose someone you love?”

“I do. And I don’t want to go through that again and I certainly don’t want Clarke to either. Being with Clarke is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done but at the same time… I’ve never felt safer.”

“OK.”

“OK?”

“Yep. I have reached my verdict and you may carry on as you were. I just reserve the right to break out my inner warrior if you ever screw up, alright?”

“Yes, that’s completely alright. If I were to ever screw up I would totally deserve it. But I’ve never wanted to succeed in something more in my life than I do right now, I just want you to know that.”

“Noted.”

Octavia gave Lexa a nod and Lexa nodded back. They smiled at each other and Lexa’s previously pounding heart began to calm.

“I should go and check on Clarke.”

“You should. And when she’s better you should tell her how you feel. If you leave it up to chance it could take you years to finally get together.”

“Maybe I will.” She got up and was just going to leave the room when something occurred to her. “Hey, Octavia? Would you mind keeping this conversation between us?”

“Absolutely. It’s more fun seeing Raven getting all involved in her little plan like she actually has some power over the situation. And as for Clarke, I don’t want to ruin the surprise for her. I’m happy now I know your intentions are good.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“And thank you for hearing me out. I still can’t quite believe someone as amazing as Clarke would want to be with me and I certainly don’t feel good enough for her… But if she wants me and I make her happy, the least I can do is give her everything I am.”

“I’m sure that will be more than enough. Now go and check on her and I’ll see you later.”

“Thanks again.”

“Yeah whatever, nerd.”

Lexa just scoffed and left the room, deciding that she really liked Octavia. It was nice to talk about her feelings without receiving smug look from the other person like when she talked to Anya. Oh god, Lexa couldn’t believe she’d just used the word ‘nice’ in conjunction with her talking about feelings… What was she becoming?

 

*

 

Clarke was just a lump in the duvet when Lexa poked her head around her bedroom door before walking gingerly over to her, not wanting to disturb her if she was asleep. She found Clarke’s eyes open and her face contorted in discomfort.

“Hey, are you OK?” Lexa cooed.

“I’m so cold,” Clarke said, her teeth practically chattering. Lexa could see the duvet quivering around her and she placed her hand on Clarke’s forehead.

“Jesus, you’re burning up again.”

“Certainly doesn’t feel like it.”

“Do you want me to get you a hot water bottle? Or do you have one of those microwavable beanbag things?”

“Nuhuh, we don’t have anything like that.”

“Oh, how about more blankets?”

Lexa crouched down bedside Clarke, pushing her hair back off her face.

“Lex?”

“Yes, Clarke?”

“Can you just come and cuddle up to me for a bit?”

“I-”

“I just really want to sleep but I can’t because I can’t stop shivering.”

“OK.”

“You sure?”

Lexa found herself smiling at Clarke’s uncertainty, Octavia was right, Clarke was definitely clueless.

“Of course.”

It was with nerves in her stomach that Lexa walked over to the other side of the bed and clambered in, hesitating a little before moulding her body around Clarke’s. She was surprised at just how well they seemed to fit together and she felt Clarke’s hand searching for her own. She let her arm be pulled around Clarke’s middle and she held her close, her nerves calming when Clarke sighed into her embrace. She nuzzled her head into her neck, pressing a kiss there, her nose ghosting over the shell of her ear. It may have been her imagination but it seemed as if Clarke shuddered a little harder against her.

After a few minutes Lexa was roasting, she wasn’t sure how long she could stand it but she really didn’t want to move.

“Clarke, you’re too hot.”

“Hot damn.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Please don’t go. You can change into some shorts or something to keep cool but will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Thank you, Lexa, for everything.”

“It’s the least I could do, it’s my fault you’re sick,” Lexa told her as she went on a hunt for some shorts. She found some and swapped them for her jeans, not even feeling bashful. Clarke was way too out of it for her to feel self-conscious undressing in front of her.

“Totally worth it.”

“Really?” 

“It gave us an excuse to spend more time together.” 

Lexa smiled, remembering Octavia’s advice. She slipped back into the bed and every atom in her body seemed to sigh when they were reunited, their shapes melding together into one.

“I don’t think we need an excuse anymore.”

“Me neither.”

Lexa tried to move even closer to Clarke but it was impossible, she was flush against her back but she wanted more. So much more.

“I’m going to try and sleep now just… You’ll stay with me until I’m asleep right?”

“Mhmm,” Lexa hummed into Clarke’s ear as she moved forward to press a kiss to her cheek. Clarke pulled Lexa’s hand up to her mouth and kissed it before burrowing her head into the pillow, sighing.

_I would stay with you forever if you asked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, an almost-kiss, Finn being a cheeky but adorable little shit, and protective Octavia, I'm pretty good to you guys, right? ;)


	7. Tell Me I'm Not Dreaming Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are awkward little beans and Raven is determined to get them to spend more time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is now officially the longest thing I have ever written, I'm feeling quite proud of myself! You guys are my heroes for keeping me motivated with your kind words and kudos so thank you :) I often let my self-doubt get the better of me but knowing there are people out there that want more of my story keeps me going :)

Clarke woke up confused the next day and opened her eyes slowly, squinting against the sunlight streaming through her too-thin curtains. Her alarm clock told her it was 10:01 and just when she was about to spring up in panic, she noticed a little piece of paper underneath her phone on the nightstand.

_Clarke,_

It started in neat cursive. She reached out to pick it up, reading it with a growing smile.

_I didn’t mean to spend the night but I guess I fell asleep. I’ve gone home to get showered and changed but I’ll be back to pick up Finn for school later. I’ve already seen Octavia and she said she’ll have him ready for me. I promised Finn I’ll take him to meet Hades after school but I’ll have him home by dinner time. Let me know if that’s not OK. I will see you later, I hope you’re feeling at least a bit better.  
–Lexa_

Clarke felt awful but Lexa somehow made it bearable. She picked up her phone and sent her a text.

_Has anyone ever told you that you’re an angel?_

Lexa didn’t reply until gone twelve, obviously only getting a chance to look at her phone on her lunch break. By this time Clarke had actually managed to get out of bed for a little while, showering and getting some food, before clambering right back in again. She figured she could sleep a little more before everyone came home later. Seeing Lexa’s name light up her screen made her grin like a fool.

_Actually yes, you told me I was an angel yesterday._

_I did?_

_Your fever makes you say the cutest things._

_Well I just took some pain killers and my fever’s down, is it cuter now I’m saying these things without a fever-addled brain?_

_You’re always cute, no matter what mental state you’re in._

Clarke was smiling into her pillow as she slipped into a sleep filled with blazing green eyes and soft lips on her skin, blissfully free of the flu.

“Clarke?”

She was warm and safe in Lexa’s arms but something was tugging at her, pushing a dull ache into all her muscles.

“Clarke?” The voice said again. She looked at Lexa but her mouth wasn’t moving which was weird because it _sounded_ like Lexa’s voice. Her head was starting to pound but she tried to ignore it.

Just as she was leaning in to kiss Lexa, finally, a shock reverberated through her body and her eyes snapped open. The comfort of the dream drained quickly from her system and she was rudely thrust into reality, the cold, dark, flu-filled reality. The sun had set but there was light streaming in from the hallway creating a halo around the outline of the dark figure perched on the edge of the bed.

“Lexa?”

“Yes, Clarke, it’s me.” Lexa leaned forward to switch the lamp on and Clarke squinted, exhaling deeply.

“Oh, good. Normally when I dream about you I wake up and you’re not here.”

“You dream about me?” Lexa frowned a little but there was a hint of a smile creeping onto her face.

_Shit, I shouldn’t have said that._

“Uh… How’s little Finn?”

“He’s great, we’re going to watch a movie if you want to come and join us?”

Clarke pushed herself up into a sitting position, feeling incredibly weak as she did so.

“You don’t have to stay here, I can take care of him now.”

“I want to stay, let me help, OK?”

Clarke nodded.

“Good. So, movie, yes or no?”

“Absolutely, yes.”

Lexa smiled and held her hand out to help her up and Clarke took it, her eyes closing briefly at the contact. She missed it once it was gone but to her relief Lexa linked their hands again as they walked down the stairs. She was not quite prepared for the level excitement that greeted her when Finn burst into their presence.

“Mommy, Mommy, I met Lexa’s cat! He’s all black and fuzzy and he sat on my lap! And when I was gonna feed him some dinner he kept rubbing on my legs!” He was literally jumping up and down as he spoke, his characteristically scruffy hair waving all over the place as he did so.

Clarke chuckled, willing herself not to grimace as her head pounded at the noise. She’d been in silence for so long that she didn’t realise quite how bad she felt. It made her even more tired watching him be so lively but she couldn’t deny that it made her feel a little happier inside. He had quite the uplifting presence.

“That’s great buddy,” she told him, letting herself be guided onto the couch by Lexa. Lexa put a blanket over her and Clarke smiled up at her before turning her attention back to Finn who was jiggling on the spot a few feet away.

“Can we get a cat?”

“Maybe one day.”

“One day soon?”

“We’ll see.”

“OK but I think we should get one. Hades really likes me.”

He plonked himself down on the other couch and Lexa sat next to him, both of them looking over at Clarke.

“He really does like him,” Lexa said. “I wasn’t sure how he was going to react, he’s never really been around kids before but honestly, I’ve never seen him warm to someone so quickly.”

“Yuhuh, we’re totally friends now.”

“Well who wouldn’t want to be friends with you, kid? You’re awesome,” Clarke said and Finn gave her a chuffed smile. “So what movie are we watching?”

“It’s…” Finn looked at Lexa. “What is it?”

“Well, Finn here asked me why I named my cat Hades and I told him it’s because one of my favourite movies as a kid was Hercules. When he said he’d never heard of it I told him that his mom had deprived him and that we need to watch it.”

Clarke shrugged.

“I’ve never seen it.”

“Seriously?” Lexa’s eyes widened and Clarke couldn’t help but find her dismay rather adorable. “Then I guess your parents deprived you too.”

“If you say so.”

“You guys will love it, trust me. And Clarke, it’s a musical.” 

Lexa raised her eyebrows expectantly and Clarke smiled, she had totally called it, she knew she had a secret musical-lover on her hands.

“OK, you’ve sold it to me, let’s do it.”

Lexa beamed and got up. She dug around in her bag and pulled out the DVD, popping it in the player.

“You guys are in for a treat.”

Clarke smiled as she watched Finn snuggle up to Lexa again. She couldn’t decide which one of them she wanted to cuddle up to more. Eventually she settled on the thought of having one either side of her and she smiled, willing herself to get better so she could make that a reality.

 

*

 

Lexa left Clarke downstairs while she went to put Finn to bed and Clarke was just drifting off to sleep when footsteps roused her.

“Hey,” Lexa said, her voice soft.

“Hey,” Clarke replied, still feeling heavy with sleep. Lexa was looking down at her with such a warm expression that it made her feel even more tired, her presence just seemed to lull her. She pushed herself up to sit a little straighter, she wanted to actually manage to stay awake for a little longer and enjoy Lexa’s company some more. “Thanks for putting Finn to bed and for everything you’re doing for both him and me.”

Lexa held her gaze but her cheeks flushed a little.

“It’s my pleasure, really.”

Lexa just stood there looking a little awkward and Clarke was hit with a sinking feeling.

“Are you going home now?” She asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. She didn’t want Lexa to feel like she had to stay.

“I don’t have to. Do you want me to?”

Clarke shook her head, she wouldn’t guilt Lexa into staying but she wouldn’t lie either. She didn’t ever want Lexa to leave but she couldn’t tell her that.

“I won’t be great company but I just feel better when you’re here.”

Clarke watched as a smile tried to take over Lexa’s face but she grew bashful and tried to bite it back with nervous teeth at her lip.

“I know the feeling,” Lexa said quietly. All of a sudden her demeanour shifted and she seemed to fold in on herself, her hands playing together in front of her, her eyes dropping to the floor.

“I didn’t want to be presumptuous but… I brought some overnight stuff for myself just in case you needed me to stay again. Obviously I can go whenever you want me to, I just-”

“Lexa,” Clarke said, shaking her head and chuckling softly. “Come here.” She patted the space next to her and Lexa walked over and sat a few inches away from her, still not meeting her eyes. It seemed that Lexa was just as worried as Clarke was about coming across as too eager and that made her feel a lot better. Perhaps they were on the same page after all. There was a lot unsaid between the two of them, Clarke knew that, she just had no idea where to start. The things she felt defied explanation, they didn’t make enough sense yet to be able to articulate them with words. Lexa deserved better than incoherent rambling so Clarke decided she would wait. And if words failed her, then she would just have to show her. But she wasn’t bold enough for that yet.

Clarke’s heart was warm as she reached out to take Lexa’s hand in her own.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” 

Those gorgeous eyes finally rose to meet hers and Lexa’s reticent expression was pushed aside by a smile.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Of course I’ll stay.”

Lexa leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Clarke’s cheek.

“What was that for?”

“I forgot to tell you last night, Finn told me I have to kiss you better. So that’s what I’m doing.” She kissed Clarke’s other cheek this time and Clarke couldn’t help but sigh, leaning in to her. Just as Lexa was pulling away Clarke wound her arms around her neck, wrapping her in her arms.

“I hope it works,” Clarke breathed out, the tingling running through her body fighting against the aching that her sickness was causing. 

“Me too,” she heard Lexa say, the words deep and sincere in her chest as they hummed through Clarke’s body, soothing her further.

 

*

 

Lexa stayed over every night that week and they settled into a little routine. Clarke mostly just stayed in bed but Lexa would take Finn to school and on their way home they’d go and visit Hades for a while, then once home she’d coax Clarke out of bed, cook them all dinner, and they’d do something together: watch TV or play a game. Clarke was enjoying falling asleep every night with Lexa curled around her and she was already dreading the day when Lexa would decide she finally needed to go home. She wanted to get better so she could try and be brave enough to ask Lexa out but she also wanted to stay a little sick so Lexa would keep being her snuggle buddy. Both options had Lexa in though so Clarke couldn’t be completely unhappy with either.

By Thursday evening Clarke was feeling quite a lot better and when Lexa came out of the shower, her curls almost completely straightened by the water weighing them down and her cheeks rosy, Clarke was enamoured. She just sat in bed stared at her as she rubbed her hair with her towel, slowly giving it back its spring. Finally Lexa noticed and she stopped what she was doing, straightening up and giving Clarke a questioning look.

“Clarke? Are you OK?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look a little out of it.”

A fire was lighting under her skin and she tried to gather herself and be as eloquent as possible. She was feeling a little flustered.

“I was just a little distracted.”

“Distracted?”

Clarke sighed, honestly, Lexa was so dense sometimes.

“I just… I can tell I’m feeling better because you look so pretty right now and it’s making me feel…” She cleared her throat, looking down at her hands as she picked at the duvet. “Never mind, you’re just pretty, that’s all.” She didn’t dare look up but she could see Lexa in her periphery coming towards her. The mattress sank beside her and a hand took her own, making her finally pull her gaze up. 

“Well I’m glad that you feel better.”

“Me too.”

Really, that was all Lexa was going to say? 

Lexa gave a bashful smile and moved forward to pull Clarke into a hug and while it would have been nice for her to use her words, Clarke felt she knew what Lexa couldn’t say once she was in her arms. And she certainly wasn’t going to complain about having a beautiful woman pressed up against her. She burrowed into her neck, enjoying the feel of the clean skin of Lexa’s bare shoulders that had been revealed by her strappy top. When Lexa pulled her in tighter, it gave Clarke the courage to press a line of kisses from the hollow of Lexa’s ear all the way to her shoulder. Lexa sighed into her touch and Clarke grinned, warmth coiling in her stomach. 

“You smell like me,” Clarke commented as she pulled away.

Lexa nodded, her face more flushed than before.

“I know, I like it.”

 

*

 

Sure enough, it was Saturday morning when Lexa finally went home. She had lessons to plan, a cat to finally be around for, and a best friend that was getting annoyed at being ignored. Clarke clung to Lexa fiercely when she was about to leave and Finn sat pouting on the stairs behind them, he didn’t want her to leave either. He bounced back pretty quickly though, unlike Clarke who moped about all day. She was tossing and turning in bed that night, struggling to get comfortable without the cocoon of Lexa’s warmth around her and she noticed her phone light up. Her heart grew warm when she saw Lexa’s name and it pretty much exploded with happiness when she read the message.

_I can’t sleep without you._

She was too busy being overcome by emotion to reply straight away and Lexa messaged her again.

_I miss you._

The grin on Clarke’s face could have powered the whole of D.C. for a week and she burrowed her head in her pillow, glad no one was around to see her foolish smile. When she had finally gathered herself and stopped her hands from shaking, she replied.

_I miss you too, more than I can explain._

 

*

 

“Clarke, please, will you go and find something to do?” Raven huffed somewhere off to Clarke’s side.

Clarke continued to stare at the ceiling, not even deigning to look over at Raven. She knew what look she would be giving her, it would be a mix of irritation and sympathy if her tone was anything to go by.

“I _am_ doing something.”

“You’re lying on the floor.”

“Exactly, that is doing something.”

“Not _actively_ doing something though.”

“I’m not an active person, you know that.”

“Why are you being so awkward?”

“Why are you being so incessant?” 

Raven sighed and Clarke heard her get up off the couch and walk closer. Sure enough, Raven’s frowning face appeared above her.

“Is this about little Finn or Lexa? Or both?”

“I just felt like lying on the floor, OK? It’s good for your back to lay on something solid sometimes, you know?”

“Bullshit, you’re moping. It’s OK if you miss him.”

“Of course I miss him, I miss him every time he goes away without me.” Every couple of months Finn went to stay with his dad’s parents for a weekend and Clarke was utterly lost without him. She knew he’d be having a great time but that didn’t stop her from missing him like crazy.

Raven sighed and lay next to Clarke, taking her hand.

“I know you do. It’s weird here without him.”

“It is.”

“He’ll be back tomorrow night though.”

“I know. But what am I supposed to do until then?”

“We need to do something fun!”

“What’s fun though? I’d rather be doing fun things with little Finn.”

“Well then maybe we should think of something that’s fun that we can’t do when he’s around. That way you won’t feel like he should be here.”

“Like what?”

“We should go out!”

“Out where?” Clarke finally turned her head to look at Raven who was already looking at her with shining eyes. Her expression was softer than Clarke had imagined and it lessened the tension in her muscles a little. 

“To a bar? Let’s go and have a few drinks, we’ve never actually done that together legally before!” 

“That’s true.” Clarke and Raven had done plenty of underage drinking together before Clarke had got pregnant with Finn but she had never actually got around to drinking since having him, meaning she’d never drunk alcohol in a bar before. Clarke sighed. “I’m not sure I’m really in the mood though.”

“Oh come on, it’ll be great! We’ll get Octavia to come-”

“She can’t come, she’s got a date.”

“Shit yeah, I can’t believe that hot guy from the gym asked her out!”

“I can, have you _seen_ her abs recently?”

“Dude, that’s true, I’m not sure which of the two of them has better abs…” Raven looked a little preoccupied for a moment, her eyes drifting off until Clarke cleared her throat. Raven’s focus pulled back to the problem at hand and she gave a bashful smile, shrugging. “They’d make gorgeous babies.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh a little before the despair came hurtling back again.

“OK, so Octavia’s out,” Raven said, her face thoughtful. “Well we can invite Anya, she’s always up for going out-”

“Oh great, so I get to be the third wheel? No thanks.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? Anya and I are not dating.”

“Not yet.”

“Shush you. Anyway, if you hadn’t so rudely interrupted me I was going to say that we could invite Anya _and_ Lexa.”

Clarke swallowed, feeling uncomfortable.

“I don’t know if Lexa would come.”

“Oh come on, Clarke, of course she would. That girl would jump at the chance to spend time with you.”

Clarke just shrugged.

“What happened between you two anyway? You practically spent two weeks together and now for the last week you’ve not even hung out once?”

Clarke sighed, the sadness pulling harder at her insides.

“I don’t know what happened! Things were great, we were getting really close, enjoying each other’s company, and then… Then she went home for the weekend and somehow we slipped back into just being friendly when I dropped off and picked up little Finn.”

“Did you try asking her if she wanted to do something with you outside of school?”

“Well no but…”

“Well that’s your problem then! You have to put a little effort in, Clarke.”

“But she didn’t ask me to do anything either!”

“Oh Jesus, what are you, twelve? One of you has to invite the other to do something otherwise you will never hang out again, it’s that simple. Honest to god, you’re such hard work sometimes.”

Clarke snorted.

“That’s coming from you!”

“I may be a challenge but if I want something, I go and get it. I won’t wait around and risk losing out because it might be a little bit scary to stick my neck out.”

“So you and Anya _are_ already dating!”

“You know what, screw this, I don’t need to take this from you.” Raven huffed and moved to get up but Clarke gripped her hand tighter.

“I’m sorry, Ray, I’ll stop. It’s just hard, you know? But you’re right, I know you’re right.”

Raven sighed as Clarke turned towards her and nestled into her side.

“Of course I am.”

“I just… I was so happy to see her on Monday after a couple of days apart but I was so nervous… I choked! And she didn’t say very much…”

“She probably did the same thing. You two are as bad as each other.”

“So you think she’ll want to do something with me?”

Clarke knew she was being ridiculous, she had finally been getting to the point where she actually believed that Lexa might want to be more than just friends but then some weird self-conscious part of her had taken over. Lexa had seemed so hesitant with her that it had completely thrown her off. She had been so bold and confident when they had first met but the further in they got, the more unsure of herself Lexa seemed. In that moment it occurred to Clarke that perhaps Lexa was feeling exactly the same way she was right now, that she had been all week.

“Oh my god, Clarke, if you don’t invite her I’m going to do it for you. And then I’m going to get you both so drunk that you’ll have no impulse control and you’ll just make out with each other and you’ll finally move out of this weird limbo that you two have fallen into.”

Clarke sighed.

“I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

Raven rolled her eyes at Clarke and nodded.

“Yes, sweetie, one of the biggest.” Raven pressed a kiss to the top of Clarke’s head.

“I’m gonna invite her out with us.”

“Fina-fucking-ly.”

Clarke tried to shift her position in order to sit up and as she did so, she realised just how uncomfortable she had been.

“If I ever start feeling sorry for myself again, please don’t let me lay on the floor,” Clarke groaned, pushing herself up and rolling her shoulders, trying to get rid of the aching.

“I bet Lexa would help you out with those aches.”

“Shut up, you. You’d better behave tonight.”

“If there is alcohol involved I cannot promise anything.”

“I guess I really am going to have to start drinking again, I can’t put up with you being suggestive all night when I’m sober.”

“Wahey! The party princess is baaaaaaaaaack!”

Clarke laughed, the sound echoing around that little hole in her heart.

“I forgot Finn used to call me that.” She looked down at Raven who was now sitting on the floor and looking at her with a sad smile. A few seconds passed as they allowed themselves a brief trip into the past and then Raven swiped at Clarke’s leg, her smile growing brighter.

“Go and text Lexa, OK?”

Clarke nodded, biting her lip to try and pull back the grin that was threatening to take over her face. The thought of seeing Lexa later made her stupidly happy. She felt like such a fool for letting her nerves get the better of her and making her waste a week where she could have been in fabulous company. It was time to seize the moment, just like she had promised herself she would, and just like Finn would have wanted her to.

 

*

 

Lexa and Anya were meeting Clarke and Raven outside a well-known gay bar in the centre of town and Clarke was a wreck for the whole cab ride over. While Lexa’s quick acceptance of her offer of a girls’ night out eased her qualms a little, as the day passed her stomach had started to churn. She wasn’t sure whether it was nerves or excitement that was winning the battle inside her, she just hoped that it would ease once she finally saw Lexa again. She couldn’t deny that she had missed her. It had been a week since their last hug and Clarke wasn’t quite ready to face just how much she missed being in Lexa’s arms.

Just seeing Lexa stood on the sidewalk as their cab pulled up seemed to calm Clarke’s heart and the smile that washed over Lexa’s face as she saw her made her look more beautiful than ever. She was dressed in a tight emerald green dress that came to just above her knees and Clarke’s mouth went a little dry at the sight of her. She stepped out of the cab and walked straight over to her.

“Clarke,” Lexa said, her voice laced with the smile that was still pouring from every inch of her. Clarke was too overwhelmed for words and she just looped her arms around Lexa’s neck, pulling her in tightly. Lexa gripped her hard and seemed to melt into her and Clarke vowed to herself that she wasn’t going to let her nerves get the better of her anymore. 

“I’m so glad you came,” she said into Lexa’s neck, not wanting to let go.

“I’m glad you invited me.”

A loud cough roused them and they pulled apart to find Raven and Anya staring at them. 

“Perhaps you two would have preferred a night out alone?” Raven said, her grin wide. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Shut up Reyes, let’s go inside.”

Raven and Anya laughed and walked through the door and Clarke turned to Lexa, very aware of the bashful smile that was on her face. She found a similar look on Lexa’s face and she linked their hands, leading the way inside.

The atmosphere between the four women was a little tense at first as they slipped into a booth, Clarke and Raven on one side and Lexa and Anya on the other. Octavia had teased Clarke and Raven as they left the house earlier and Clarke was still thinking about it. Octavia had just been coming down the stairs all dressed up for her big date with the hot gym guy, otherwise known as Lincoln, looking smooth as hell in her leather jacket and tight jeans with her hair braided at the sides to keep it off her face. Raven had whistled at her, eliciting a pretty smile from Octavia who couldn’t be convinced to bail on her date to go and party with them.

“Please,” she had scoffed when Raven suggested it, “Like I would want to be the fifth wheel with you lot again, no thank you.”

Clarke and Raven had simultaneously rolled their eyes and burst out

“We are not dating!” They turned to look at each other and rang out in a chorus again. “You so are!”

Octavia just shook her head at them.

“My point exactly. Come back to me when you guys sort your shit out, alright?” She winked at them and left, leaving them both with a lot to think about.

So there they were, sat next to each other and stewing in the thoughts Octavia had given them. Or at least Clarke was, and Raven seemed a little more awkward than usual too. Clarke was sat opposite Lexa and while she still felt a little nervous, she certainly wasn’t complaining about the view. There was some light talking and every so often Clarke would catch Lexa looking at her and the smile she’d give her as her cheeks flushed and she looked back down at her hands was rather gorgeous. Her elegantly curled hair kept falling into her face and she’d brush it back with a gentle hand and Clarke was transfixed. She was also enjoying watching the way Lexa would wrap those beautifully slicked lips around her straw and take a sip of her drink, bold green eyes flicking up as she did so. Her dress really was the perfect shade to mirror those beautiful eyes. Basically Clarke was smitten and she was just starting to realise just how attracted to Lexa she actually was. Something about being in the bar made it seem less daunting, maybe it was the dim lighting that afforded a little privacy to her wandering eyes and heated skin, perhaps it was the alcohol that she knew would soon start to take over her system.

Once they’d finished their second round of drinks, Clarke and Raven went to get the next and Clarke had to finally divert her attention from Lexa. Raven slipped her arm around her back while they waited at the bar, her face close as she talked to her.

“Lexa looks really hot tonight.”

“Mhmm,” Clarke said, not wanting to reveal how much of an understatement she thought that Raven’s words were.

“You know, tonight would be the perfect time to make a move if you’re nervous.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I think it’s you that’s on the verge of making a move.”

“Sure, sure, deflect, whatever makes you feel better, Griffin.” 

Raven smacked a loud kiss onto Clarke’s cheek and winked at her, giving her a knowing smile. Clarke just rolled her eyes and turned away to take hers and Lexa’s drinks back over to the table. Raven could be such a pain in the ass but she knew Clarke so well, it was a little infuriating. 

When they sat back down Anya was looking between Clarke and Raven, her expression curious.

“You two are pretty flirty for friends, did you know that?”

“We are?” Raven said, shrugging.

“We’re close,” Clarke said, quite intrigued by the look on Anya’s face.

“Have you ever hooked up?” Anya asked, looking very pointedly at Raven.

“Aw, you jealous?” Clarke asked, winking at Lexa. Lexa laughed.

“No,” she said, almost huffing. “Just curious.”

“No, we’ve never hooked up,” Raven said and Anya visibly relaxed. “We did make out in high school once though.”

Lexa’s eyebrows rose, her eyes fixed on Clarke.

“You did? You never mentioned that.”

“Oh, that? That wasn’t a big deal.”

“I dunno, it was a pretty big deal at the time,” Raven said, looking at Clarke and grinning. Clarke sighed, she knew that look all too well.

“Oh no,” she said, putting her hand to her forehead.

“Oh no?” Lexa echoed.

“Yeah she’s gonna-”

“Story time, kids!”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Raven loves this story.”

“I _do_ love this story! I call it ‘outing two bisexuals with one kiss’.”

Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle despite herself.

“OK, so picture this, fifteen year old Clarke, fresh off break up number… Four?”

“Three,” Clarke offered.

“Only three, damn. Well anyway, Clarke and Finn had broken up again so she was single and we were at a party with a bunch of kids from our grade. We were playing truth or dare, as you do, and Clarke got dared to kiss me.”

Clarke smiled at the memory, she hadn’t been bothered by the dare but Raven had seemed to shrink into herself as she became visibly nervous, a part of the story that Raven always seemed to leave out.

“Now, I won’t deny that kiss was a great one and it confirmed something for me that I had known for a while but Clarke… Well, Clarke went spiralling. She freaked out afterwards and went running off and I didn’t see or hear from her for the rest of the weekend. She even ignored me at school until I practically cornered her in the hall one day when we should have been in class. I was panicking because I thought the kiss had made her feel weird about me, that she had sensed that I enjoyed it more than a straight best friend would, but she told me she was confused. Would you like to tell the nice ladies what you told me that day, Clarke?”

Clarke sighed, her cheeks reddening.

“Not really, the story’s better when you tell it.”

“Oh come on, it was funny!”

“Not at the time it wasn’t!”

“Yeah but it’s a decade later now, come on!”

“Yeah, come on, Clarke, I want to hear this,” Lexa said, reaching across the table and running her hand down Clarke’s forearm.

“Fine,” Clarke relented, taking a big gulp from her drink and wincing a little at the bitter taste. “I told Raven that I didn’t understand how I could feel so much kissing a girl when I knew I was straight because I was definitely into guys.”

“And I just looked at her and shook my head at her. I was like, ‘Clarke, honey, I think you’re forgetting about one key thing here: you don’t have to pick a gender. You can be attracted to both. I know I am.’ The look of comprehension on her face was _priceless_ , I’m pretty sure it’s imprinted in my brain forever. And that is how Clarke realised she was bisexual and how I got the courage to come out for the first time.”

Lexa and Anya laughed and Clarke put her head in her hands. She knew she always came off like the naïve girl in that story and she always let Raven get away with not owning up to her own awkwardness in the situation.

“But you never wanted to kiss again?” Anya asked, apparently not satisfied with their previous answers.

“Nah, don’t get me wrong, it was a good kiss but we’re best friends. Some friends you can go there with, others you just can’t,” Raven said nonchalantly. 

“Yeah, I was more anxious to find other girls to make out with,” Clarke said, throwing an apologetic smile to Raven.

“Ouch, Griffin!”

“Hey, you get to take credit for my bisexual awakening, nobody else can claim that.”

“That’s true, it does make me feel a little powerful.” She gave Clarke a wink and Clarke noticed the way that Anya frowned at the action. 

Someone _definitely_ seemed jealous.

 

*

 

By the time they had finished their drinks again, Raven and Anya were up on the dance floor but Clarke was feeling a little more reticent, taking it slow as she felt the alcohol begin to warm in her veins. It was starting to cushion the remaining anxiety in her system and while she had been nervous about losing control, she was actually kind of enjoying the feeling. Once the other two had left them, Lexa got up to get them more drinks. When she came back she sat next to Clarke instead of opposite her this time.

“Would you look at those two?” Clarke said, pointing over to Raven and Anya, accepting her drink with a smile. “How long do you give it until they’re making out?” 

The girls were grinning and dancing close, one of them leaning in to talk to the other occasionally over the music. Anya seemed much more at ease now she had Raven to herself, there was definitely something going on there. Lexa smiled over at them before looking back at Clarke, her face thoughtful.

“Oh it’s got to happen tonight, right?”

“I’d be surprised if it didn’t. I can’t believe that it hasn’t already, to be honest. They’ve got so much chemistry between them, it’s so obvious.”

Lexa shrugged.

“Sometimes that kind of chemistry can be a little intimidating though, it makes everything seem big and kind of scary. Especially if you’re already friends. They’re probably worried about ruining things between them.” 

Lexa looked down at her hands and somehow Clarke felt as if they weren’t talking about their friends anymore. 

“But they could end up with something so much better than just friendship, isn’t that worth the risk?” Clarke said, their eyes locking as Lexa looked back up again.

Now they definitely didn’t seem to be talking about Raven and Anya, and Lexa was looking quite uncomfortable. They sat and sipped their drinks in silence for a few minutes before Lexa finally spoke.

“Clarke, I just want to apologise for being a little… Awkward this week.”

“Hey, you weren’t-”

Lexa raised her eyebrows and Clarke smiled.

“OK, you were, but so was I.”

“I just…” Lexa hesitated and shook her head with a breathy laugh. She grabbed her glass and downed its contents before looking back at Clarke. “I really wanted to ask you out once you were better but the more I hesitated, the more awkward I felt.”

Clarke chuckled to herself and scooted a little closer to Lexa.

“You wanted to ask me out?”

Lexa looked over at her, letting out an incredulous laugh.

“Of course I did but every time I got nervous I just kept thinking back to our date when you said you weren’t ready… And I backed out.”

“I wasn’t ready then, that’s true, but that was a long time ago.”

“And now?”

Clarke could feel her heart pounding all over her body as she willed herself to be brave enough to say what she really wanted to.

“Well, I’ve wanted to ask you out all week too. It seems like we’ve been suffering from the same bout of nerves.”

“You have?”

“I have.”

“So you’re…”

“I’m ready when you are, Lexa.”

Lexa let out a long breath, her eyes glittering.

“I can’t even tell you how ready I am.”

The grin they shared was enough to rot the teeth of anyone that saw it, it was sickeningly sweet but Clarke’s heart was soaring. She could feel the dynamic between them shifting and while it was a little daunting, it was also kind of exhilarating. There was so much more that she wanted to say but perhaps she needed a little more courage for that.

“Another drink?” Clarke asked, pointing at Lexa’s empty glass.

“Yes, please.”

Liquid courage was definitely something they both needed.

 

*

 

A couple more drinks and some light conversation later and Clarke was feeling much hazier and before she realised it, she was on the dance floor with her arms wrapped around Lexa’s neck, and the comforting pressure of Lexa’s hands on her back. Lexa was surprisingly good at dancing, something that Clarke wouldn’t have figured from the slightly uptight air about her.

“The benefits of rich parents,” Lexa said when Clarke commented on it, smiling down at her. “I’ve taken more different kinds of dance classes than I could even list anymore.”

Clarke just smiled and closed her eyes as she relished the feeling of Lexa moving against her, the tight dress she was wearing leaving little to the imagination. Clarke’s dress was a little looser but it was thin and the tiny amount of fabric separating them had Clarke’s nerve endings on fire. She moved her hands to grip Lexa’s shoulders as she pressed her face to Lexa’s cheek and continued to dance. Her hands skimmed over Lexa’s shoulders and down the tops of her arms and she felt Lexa nestle her face in closer, her mouth coming to rest by Clarke’s ear. With her this close she could just about hear her breathing over the music. It seemed a little harried, much like she thought her own must be.

She bit her lip as she let her hands wander further, coming to rest on Lexa’s sides, dipping in at her waist before following the seductive curve of her hips. She held her tightly and tried to pull her closer, feeling frustrated when she couldn’t. Lexa’s fingers were gripping her back, digging in a little, and Clarke turned her head to press a kiss to Lexa’s cheek. 

Things were starting to feel a little intense and Clarke pulled back, stepping out of Lexa’s proximity all together. She discovered Lexa looking as breathless as she felt and she offered her a soft smile.

“Another drink?” She asked.

Lexa nodded, finally managing to smile back.

“God, yes.”

Clarke reached out to take Lexa’s hand and she led her over to the bar, standing close to her as they waited to be served.

“You two make a gorgeous couple,” the woman behind the bar said as she handed them their drinks, her smile soft. 

Clarke’s heart raced at the implication and she gave a bashful smile.

“Thanks,” she said, taking her drink in one hand and leading a spluttering Lexa back to their table with the other.

“You hear that?” Clarke said once they were tucked into the booth again. “Apparently we make a gorgeous couple.”

Clarke knew Lexa had heard it, of course she had, but she wanted to see what she had to say about it. Lexa was already sipping at her drink and Clarke didn’t miss how the ice cubes were clinking in her glass, her hand unsteady.

“Well with you as a part of the couple, of course we would. You look absolutely beautiful tonight, Clarke.”

Clarke dipped her head, smiling.

“Thanks.”

“In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that you’re smoking hot.”

Clarke looked up and laughed as Lexa winked at her, relieved that she looked more at ease now. She couldn’t help but smile as she thought back to the night when she’d first heard those words come out of Lexa’s mouth. They still seemed odd even now, even with all of the different sides of Lexa that she had seen. 

“It seems like such a long time ago that we first met.”

“Well, I guess it was.”

“Not really, it’s only been a few months but so much has changed…” Clarke hesitated, licking her lips. “And I feel like even more is about to.”

Had they been this close when they’d sat down? Clarke couldn’t remember. She could feel the alcohol warm in her stomach, its toxic little beads running through every cell in her body, calming the erratic nerves she knew were fighting against them. The edges of her vision were starting to grow hazy as her focus turned fully to Lexa, she was the centre of her line of sight and her world in that moment. Lexa’s hand came up to brush the hair out of Clarke’s face and she leaned into her touch.

“Me too.”

“Do you ever think about that night?” Clarke asked softly, not sure Lexa would even be able to hear her over the music. When Lexa’s eyes closed briefly and she nodded her head, Clarke got her confirmation. Their eyes locked a few seconds later and Lexa pulled her lips into her mouth as if she were trying to hold something back.

Had they got even closer? Lexa’s eyes seemed to be glittering from only a very short distance away now and Clarke’s head was feeling all swimmy as she gazed into them. She licked her lips, making the conscious decision to move closer this time. Their bare thighs came to rest together as Clarke shuffled awkwardly towards Lexa and she closed her eyes briefly at the feeling. It added to the fuzziness that was claiming her entire system and it made her want more. So she edged her head closer still, watching Lexa watch her lips with complete concentration. She looked so serious and it made Clarke want to laugh but she was afraid she’d ruin the moment so she held it back. She pressed their foreheads together and found herself grinning. Being so close to Lexa wasn’t as scary when she was a little tipsy. The alcohol calmed her and allowed her to enjoy the proximity without feeling so unsteady. Lexa, however, didn’t look calm at all. Clarke moved forward a little and pressed a kiss to the tip of Lexa’s nose.

“Lex? You OK?”

Lexa nodded, their foreheads still pressed together.

“Are you sure?” 

Lexa was frowning, her entire body tensing up, the complete opposite of how Clarke felt. It confused her.

“Yeah, I’m just thinking.”

“Well it looks painful, maybe you should stop.”

“I can’t, it just happens.”

“Maybe you need to drink more.”

“Probably, you look like you’re at a good level of drunk right now.”

“Mhmm, it’s nice.”

Lexa sighed, her hand coming up to Clarke’s cheek. Clarke turned her head and pressed a kiss into Lexa’s palm.

“What are you thinking about?”

Lexa’s hand caressed Clarke’s cheek before moving to grip the back of her neck, their eyes connecting.

“How much I want to kiss you.”

Something in Clarke seemed to jolt and suddenly the hazy calm that had been ruling her body dissipated and her heart began to beat hard inside her.

“What’s stopping you?” Clarke asked. Lexa hesitated and Clarke thought perhaps a little levity might help. “I promise I won’t cry again.”

Lexa gave a little laugh, shaking her head.

“You’re drunk, Clarke.”

Clarke shrugged.

“So?”

“So this isn’t how I wanted this to happen.”

“Things don’t always go the way we plan in life.”

“I know that, _god_ do I know that. I mean, I never planned to like you this much and…” She trailed off, pulling herself out of Clarke’s proximity. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“You like me?” Clarke said, knowing her words sounded ridiculous as she said them but she was still completely in awe hearing that coming from Lexa.

Lexa blinked a couple of times, appearing to be in some kind of a trance. When her eyes came to meet Clarke’s again it seemed to rouse her and she smiled. It was a sweet smiled, full of wonder, and everything in her expression seemed deep. Clarke could feel the longing in every inch of her, all the way down to her bones.

“I like you,” Lexa repeated, her smile growing as she spoke. A little of the tension seemed to be released from her at those words, as if she were freeing a secret that had been weighing her down for a long time. Maybe it had been, Clarke knew that feelings were heavy.

“I like you, too,” Clarke said, the words tumbling from her lips without her even realising she was going to say them.

Clarke barely had time to blink before Lexa had moved towards her again, their foreheads resting together, noses brushing.

“I can’t even…” Lexa shook her head, a pretty smile of disbelief on her face. 

They were so close, Clarke couldn’t help herself, she just needed a little more… She moved forward, aching to feel those excruciatingly soft lips on hers again but Lexa turned her head at the last minute, Clarke’s lips instead landing on her cheek. Clarke pulled back, surprised.

“I… I’m sorry?” She said, not understanding at all what had just happened. Hadn’t Lexa just said that she liked her? Alcohol didn’t make you hallucinate, right?

“Hey, no, no, Clarke. I’m not… I’m not rejecting you. I want to kiss you so badly but not like this.” Her hands came to take Clarke’s, making her focus. “Not when we’ve been drinking. When we kiss again I want to know for sure that it’s what you want, I don’t want you waking up the next day sober and regretting it. I couldn’t get over you before when I’d just spent a few hours with you, I definitely wouldn’t be able to knowing you the way I do now.”

Clarke understood, her head may have been swaying with alcohol and her insides felt all giddy but Lexa was making sense. She knew she’d wanted to kiss Lexa so many times before now but did she really want their second first kiss to be a drunken one? As much as she hated herself in that moment for agreeing with Lexa, ultimately she knew it was better.

“That’s OK, I can wait. After all, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna be worth it.”

“Only pretty sure?” Lexa gave a playful little half smile and Clarke’s insides disintegrated.

“OK, fine, I _know_ you’re gonna be worth it. After all, I have kissed you before.”

“Mhmm. And to ensure I don’t make you wait too long to do that again, can I take you out to dinner? How about Monday? Tomorrow you’re going to be hungover, I can tell, but I don’t want to wait any longer than that.”

“Monday sounds great.” Clarke was beaming, blood careening through her body as her heart struggled to keep up with her demand for oxygen. Lexa had her breathless.

Suddenly Clarke felt hands on her back and she jumped, whipping round to find Raven smirking down at her.

“Just kiss her!” Raven whispered a little too loudly. Clarke could feel her face flushing and she didn’t quite dare look back at Lexa yet.

“ _Raven!_ ”

“What?! Did I interrupt all of the intense not-kissing that was going on just now?”

“What do you want?”

“Anya and I want to go home, you ready to go?”

“Give us a few minutes, would you?”

“Alright,” Raven said, winking. She turned around to Anya, linking her hand and dragging her off out of sight.

Clarke took a breath and turned back to Lexa.

“OK, I’ve changed my mind about the date,” Lexa said.

“Wait, what?”

Lexa held up her hands, shaking her head.

“Oh no, shit, no, that’s not what I meant. I just mean… I don’t want to take you out to dinner anymore… Come to my place, I’ll cook for you?”

Clarke let out a relieved laugh, she couldn’t handle any more mixed signals.

“OK, but why the change?”

Lexa gave her a bashful smile.

“Well people keep getting in our way and interrupting us… If you come to my place then I’ll have you all to myself. No interruptions.”

“That sounds amazing.”

Lexa leaned forward and kissed Clarke’s cheek, humming in agreement. Her breath tickled Clarke’s skin and made the entire left side of her body tingle.

“Ready to head out?” Clarke asked when Lexa pulled away.

“I’m surprised those two want to leave already, but yes, I’m ready.”

“Maybe they’ve got plans for the rest of the night,” Clarke said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

They headed outside to find the other two and stopped when they saw Anya bearing down on Raven whom she had backed up against a wall. Their faces were only inches apart and their gazes seemed to be locked intensely.

“I think you might be right,” Lexa said, laughing. Clarke joined her and suddenly Raven and Anya sprang apart, jolted into reality by the laughter.

Raven came stalking up to them, a smug Anya at her heels.

“Not a word, Griffin,” Raven hissed.

Clarke held her hands up in surrender, turning to exchange an amused grin with Lexa. It looked like they’d all made a bit of progress tonight.

 

*

 

Lexa was in way over her head and she knew it. She was feeling more than she even knew she could with Clarke and it was completely foreign to her. She was good at being with women, she knew how to read their body language and what things to do to seduce them but with Clarke… With Clarke she was a mess. She was stressed and tense because of her but somehow Clarke calmed her more than anyone else could too. It was when things kept almost happening that Lexa would lose her cool. All of her feelings were making the physical part of their rapidly developing relationship seem more daunting. Lexa wanted to be with Clarke _so badly_ but she wasn’t sure if her poor disused heart could handle it yet. She was getting there though, and knowing Clarke liked her too, just _wow_. She had kind of known it anyway but hearing those words fall messily from Clarke’s lips had lit a fire inside her that she was sure could never be extinguished. It was as if she were awake for the first time in years, it was exhilarating yet terrifying. But Lexa was addicted.

The cab ride home was awkward, they hopped in a large one and Anya and Raven were right at the back. Lexa couldn’t help but keep sneaking a peak at them but they seemed to be intent on ignoring each other and Lexa felt uncomfortable just looking at them, she could only imagine how tense they must have felt. Something big was shifting for them too and Lexa could tell that it was about to come to a head. 

Clarke was sat next to Lexa, her head leaning against the window, her eyes out of focus. She seemed to be sinking into the sleepy stage of her drunkenness and Lexa was a little relieved that they hadn’t stayed out drinking longer. While she really did want to wait to kiss Clarke when they were sober, she knew that very drunk Lexa wasn’t as sensible.

She reached over to squeeze Clarke’s hand and those ocean eyes turned to her and softened as she smiled. Clarke clung more tightly to her hand, her expression turning nervous as she sat up straighter.

“Will you stay over tonight?” She asked, her voice barely audible over the low rumble of the engine. “Just to sleep, I mean.” Clarke leaned a little closer, her voice even quieter than before. “I think something’s gonna happen between those two tonight and I don’t really want to be alone with them. I feel lonely enough as it is.”

 _God_ Lexa was in deep, she knew how difficult it would be to stay with Clarke when they were on the precipice of being more than just good friends but she was powerless to resist. She couldn’t have Clarke feeling lonely, she deserved so much more than that and Lexa wanted to be the one to give it to her. And she really had missed sleeping with Clarke.

“Yeah, OK,” she replied, her voice cracking a little. The smile Clarke gave her made her swell inside, she looked so _relieved_ and Lexa still couldn’t quite believe that someone like Clarke would ever want to be with her. She couldn’t possibly deserve such a woman.

They left Raven and Anya downstairs when they got back to the house and headed off to get ready for bed. Clarke was starting to droop rather adorably, leaning against every available surface to rest and Lexa had to keep dragging her by the hand to get her moving again. She grumbled but followed reluctantly and Lexa just chuckled at her.

Clarke collapsed straight onto her bed when they reached her room and Lexa sighed, taking the opportunity to rummage through Clarke’s drawers for something to change into. She was pretty sure that Clarke was already asleep but she went and changed in the bathroom anyway, pulling on a loose old band shirt and the pair of shorts she had worn on their first night sleeping together. After taking her makeup off and washing up she headed back out to tackle the task of getting Clarke ready for bed. She was surprised to find Clarke stood up and struggling to tug her dress off. Lexa shook her head and stepped forward.

“What are you doing, Clarke?”

“I’m trying to get undressed,” she said, her teeth gritted with the effort of trying to awkwardly pull the fabric over herself.

“Clarke, there’s a zip at the back.”

“There’s a… Oh, yeah, there’s a zip.”

A few seconds of watching Clarke try to bend her arms at an awkward angle had Lexa sighing and she walked slowly towards her, resting her hands on Clarke’s shoulders.

“Here, let me.” 

Her stomach was churning as her slightly unsteady hands pulled down the zipper, baring soft pale skin. She pressed a kiss to the base of Clarke’s neck before turning to grab a shirt for Clarke to put on. It was another band shirt she found, this one ridiculously faded, and she tossed it to Clarke before turning away. She fiddled awkwardly with her hands while she waited for Clarke to change.

“You can turn around now,” Clarke said and Lexa did so, finding Clarke looking ever so small and dainty in such a large monster of a shirt. It hung down to her thighs and the sleeves reached her elbows but that, along with her mussed up hair, somehow made her look utterly adorable and _incredibly_ sexy all at once. She gave Lexa a dopey grin before flopping back down onto the bed.

“You should really take those earrings out, Clarke,” she told her, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “And perhaps your makeup too, you’re going to stain your sheets.”

“Don’t care,” Clarke said into her pillow, burrowing down further. 

Lexa shuffled to sit right next to her and coaxed Clarke round, taking her earrings out for her. 

“These are too long, you’ll get them caught.”

Clarke just grumbled in reply.

“Will you let me take some of that makeup off? You’ll look like a raccoon in the morning otherwise.”

“I like raccoons,” Clarke stated sleepily. Lexa rolled her eyes, of course she did. 

She went and got a wipe from the bathroom anyway and Clarke allowed her to dab at her face, baring her rosy cheeks. When she was done she placed a light kiss to Clarke’s cheek, feeling satisfied. She pulled the duvet back, yanking it out from under Clarke, and tucked them both in. Clarke was slipping out of consciousness fast and Lexa didn’t want to overstep so she found her asking something nervously.

“Would you like me to hold you again? Like before?”

Clarke’s eyes opened slowly and she bit at her lip.

“Actually… Can I be the big spoon?”

Lexa leaned forward, relishing being so close to Clarke again, and pressed a light kiss to the corner of her mouth.

“Yes, please,” she said softly against Clarke’s cheek before turning around and snuggling into the duvet. She felt Clarke sweep the hair off her shoulder and press a kiss to her skin and then pause as she pulled back a little.

“You have a tattoo?”

She felt Clarke’s fingers brush at the pattern at the back of her neck and she sighed at the feeling despite the coil of sadness in her gut. She quite often forgot that she even had that tattoo, she couldn’t see it after all.

“I actually have two.”

“Where’s the other one?” Clarke’s finger started tracing around the infinity symbol and it was making Lexa’s skin prickle.

“On my back.”

“What is it?”

“I’ll show you one day.”

She felt Clarke’s lips on the nape of her neck.

“What does this one mean?”

“It’s an infinity symbol.”

“I know that but it’s broken. Why is it broken?”

_Because I am._

“Have you ever been so in love that you felt as if what you two had together was infinite? That it could defy the laws of physics it was so powerful?”

“Yes,” Clarke said quietly.

Lexa nodded, of course Clarke had felt that way too.

“That was Costia for me. But then she died and that’s when I realised there was no such thing as the infinite. We are finite, temporary, and while love is powerful, not even that can last.”

“That’s really sad.”

“That’s life.”

Lexa reached out to flick the lamp off, the darkness only serving to make her feel a little empty.

“Maybe you’ll find your infinity again some day.”

When Clarke’s arm wound around her middle Lexa felt a little hope filling that hole inside her. Maybe Clarke was right. Infinity may be technically impossible but something about Clarke made her want to believe in something so bold. She relaxed into her embrace, feeling herself growing sleepy. She felt safe, protected and, somehow, she felt whole. Clarke seemed to press into every possible inch of her and Lexa allowed herself to sink into Clarke and into sleep too, Clarke humming softly as everything faded away.

 

*

 

BANG!

Lexa’s eyes snapped open as she was jolted awake.

“-Fuck was that?” Clarke’s raspy voice sounded out. Lexa reached over to flick the lamp on and she squinted over at Clarke.

“Was that a door slamming?” Lexa asked, putting her hand over her eyes. They must have been asleep for a while because her eyes were really complaining at the light.

“I dunno… Maybe?”

They strained to listen, Lexa’s heart still beating hard in her chest at the abrupt awakening. Just as she was calming down and feeling as if she could slip back to sleep again, giggling roused her.

“I guess Anya and Raven are going to bed,” she commented, rolling over to look at Clarke. Her eyes were closed and she was frowning at the noise.

“That had better be all they’re doing.”

As if to spite Clarke, a loud moan came seeping into the room causing Clarke to groan. 

“I guess they finally stopped lying to themselves,” Lexa said, smiling. She couldn’t help but be happy for them. Clarke, however, looked rather disgruntled.

“Yeah but why couldn’t they have gone to do that at Anya’s place? She doesn’t live with anyone.” 

“True but we were all just coming back here so…”

“Shush, stop being all understanding.”

Another moan sounded out and Clarke was grumbling under her breath, rolling around erratically in the bed. Lexa reached out and put a hand on her arm.

“Hey, at least they’re happy?”

“Yeah, too happy. I wish I wasn’t so damn awkward because then we could be that happy too. I have to listen to great sex instead of _having_ great sex, it sucks.” She flung her arm dramatically over her eyes and her lips formed a pout. “I miss sex.”

Lexa felt her cheeks redden. They had only just admitted to liking each other a few hours ago and now here was Clarke implying that she wished they could be having sex… Lexa was more than a little flustered and Clarke was quite clearly still a little drunk.

“I can imagine you do.” 

She shuffled a little to get comfortable, her mind burning with questions that she felt Clarke would probably actually answer while intoxicated. In fact, she’d probably answer them sober, she didn’t seem like the type to be bashful about sex even if it had been a while. 

“Clarke?”

Clarke peered out from under her arm.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Clarke shuffled down in the bed, curling into a ball and facing Lexa. She rolled her eyes as another moan taunted her but her expression was soon back to one that was filled with curiosity.

“OK.”

“Have you ever had sex with a woman? I mean, I know you were with Finn’s dad, uh Finn, big Finn? Anyway, you were with him from pretty young, weren’t you? And you haven’t been with anyone since… So have you ever actually slept with a woman?”

Clarke’s expression grew a little wistful and Lexa had her answer.

“I have. And sure, Finn and I were together from quite young but like Raven mentioned earlier, we broke up _a lot_.” Clarke seemed to be getting a little more lucid as she talked and Lexa was quite fascinated as she watched her. She loved finding new things out about her, it was like having a brilliant book read out to her in an intoxicatingly husky voice. “After that kiss with Raven I kind of went on a bit of a girl binge. Being popular and openly bisexual in high school actually opened a lot of doors for me. I certainly satisfied my curiosity and solidified my identity as a bisexual woman, anyway.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I was seventeen the last time, I think.”

“That’s a long time ago.”

“Yup, eight years, I guess. _Shit_.” Clarke licked her lips as her eyes locked with Lexa’s. It made her stomach roil. “I miss it,” Clarke added, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I honestly can’t fathom how you managed to go so long without sex. I know it’s a little less time since you had sex with _anyone_ but I don’t think I could go years without that kind of closeness. I may not do feelings but I need something.”

“How long has it been for you?”

Lexa shuffled, bringing her knees up to her chest.

“A few months.”

“Have you… Since we met?”

Lexa nodded. She wasn’t about to be dishonest, not when she finally felt like they were getting somewhere.

“I have. Twice with two different women. It was a couple of weeks after our date. You didn’t call and I knew you wouldn’t but I couldn’t get you out of my mind so I tried to distract myself with sex, it had always worked for me before.”

“And did it work this time?”

Lexa chanced a quick look at Clarke’s lips before flicking back up to her eyes. She felt like Clarke was looking right into her mind, there was no point in hiding anything, she would see it anyway. She shook her head.

“No, it didn’t. And then I saw you again at school and that’s when I knew I didn’t want to forget. I haven’t even considered anyone else since.”

“You haven’t?”

“There’s not room for anyone else, you’re pretty much all I seem to think about these days.” Lexa found her voice shaking as she spoke again. “It’s a little scary.”

“Scary?”

“I haven’t felt this way in a long time.”

“Since Costia?”

Lexa’s heart lurched at hearing that name from someone else but she just gulped and pushed past it. She nodded.

“I understand, it’s kind of the same for me. Without the sex with random people thing.”

“How did you… I mean, did you, do you…” Lexa could feel her face flushing at the question she wanted to ask, she kind of already knew the answer but she still found herself wanting to ask anyway. “Never mind.” She pulled the duvet up to cover most of her face, just leaving her eyes poking out of the top. Clarke’s face was soft but she was grinning a little.

“Go on, say it, Lex,” she said, prodding at Lexa through the duvet.

“No, it’s fine.”

“Oh, go on.”

Lexa sighed. She might as well.

“Doesn’t it ever drive you crazy, not having sex? You must have… Urges, right?”

“Of course. I mean, I didn’t for a long time. Grief and giving birth, they really kill a girl’s sex drive but over the years… Of course my body wanted more. It’s my mind that’s been holding me back. I could relieve my body’s frustration myself and that kept me going fine until…”

“Until?”

“Until there was actually someone I’d rather have doing it for me.” 

Clarke’s words were bold but her cheeks displayed her embarrassment prettily for Lexa to see.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lexa breathed out, her entire body tensing.

“Well, that’s the goal eventually.” Clarke winked, making Lexa’s face burn, and let out a gorgeous laugh. “You’re so adorable when you’re uncomfortable. You know, I’d have thought a woman that was comfortable having casual sex would be better at talking about it. It’s perfectly natural, both sex and masturbation.” 

_Oh god_ , Lexa wanted to burrow under the duvet and never come out, she was utterly mortified but she couldn’t deny that Clarke had a point.

“I’m more of a doer than a talker,” she offered and Clarke just gave her a devilish grin.

“So I’ve heard.”

A strangled whimper reached them from across the hall and Clarke sighed.

“I’m pretty sure they’re doing rather than talking, too. I bet they haven’t talked about this at all.”

“Doing seems to be going pretty well for them right now,” Lexa said, shrugging.

“It does.”

“But I guess we’re the talkers for now.”

“I guess we are. And as long as we’re being kept up and we’re talking…” Clarke’s eyes were wide and beautiful in the low light. “You think about me a lot?”

“I do.”

“What do you think about?”

Lexa chewed on her lip, where should she even start? There was a lot.

“Mostly I just look forward to seeing you again. I think about you when I’m doing something I think you’ll enjoy, or when I’m bored, or when I can’t sleep. Mostly the thoughts are just innocent.”

“Mostly?”

“I can’t deny that I’m very attracted to you, Clarke, and occasionally I find my mind wandering.”

“I do, too.”

Lexa sucked in a breath, Clarke was really trying to cause her to have a heart attack, wasn’t she? Talking wasn’t something she was used to, especially about such private matters.

Clarke shuffled closer and Lexa smiled, moving to lie on her back and beckoning Clarke to snuggle into her chest. She relished the feeling of having Clarke against her and she was enamoured at the way a bare leg was thrown over her own. She placed a kiss on Clarke’s head and a gentle hand came to rest on her stomach.

“I’m really looking forward to our date,” she heard Clarke say.

“So am I.”

 _What a strange night_ , Lexa thought. But somehow, in a day where she had woken up sad and alone, she had finally got up the courage to ask Clarke on a date, they had actually talked about feelings, and now they were falling asleep together. So while it was all a little strange, it was definitely good. It was progress and Lexa couldn’t help but be a little proud of herself.

She drifted off to sleep with a hint of a smile on her lips and her dreams were filled with Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never intended so much fluff in this story but these two have made me into such a sap! I'm a sucker for soft Clexa and they deserve all the happiness, they've suffered enough in canon for a thousand lifetimes.


	8. We're Born to Be Electric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally have what feels like their second first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've got a whole chapter from Clarke's point of view because she's a smitten kitten and SO much fun to write :) Lexa's up next time!  
> Thanks for reading!

Clarke was shook awake the next morning and she found Raven’s worry-filled face right in front of her own.

“Raven?” She sat up and looked around, confused. “Where’s Lexa?”

“Downstairs with Anya.” She tapped on Clarke’s arm, pulling her attention back. “Dude, I need to talk to you, I’m _freaking out_.”

Clarke squinted against the pounding in her head, feeling as if the fluid had been drained out of all the cells in her body. Ah yes, it may have been a while but the feeling of a hangover was definitely one she recognised.

“Can’t it wait till I’m awake?”

“You’re awake enough!”

Raven hopped into the space where Lexa had been when Clarke went to sleep and Clarke sighed.

“Fine, what is it?”

Raven looked back at the door as if she were worried that someone was about to come in and kept her voice low as she spoke.

“Anya and I had sex last night.”

“I know.”

“You know?” Raven’s eyes bugged out.

“Yes, of course I know. You weren’t exactly quiet about it.”

“Oh…”

“So what’s the problem?”

“We had _sex_ , Clarke! We’re friends and we got drunk and had _sex_!”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Well yeah, but…”

“Then let me ask again, what’s the problem?”

“It was so awkward when we woke up, you know, completely naked and sober… She just grabbed her clothes and bailed. I thought she’d gone home but when I went downstairs to get a drink I found her talking to Lexa in the kitchen. She must have come and got her up. I bet they’re talking about me right now.”

 _Huh_ , Clarke hadn’t heard Lexa get up. While she was glad that she hadn’t gone home, she was sad that they didn’t have the chance to wake up together and cuddle. She could have really used that, she really did feel like shit. Maybe once Raven had finished freaking out she could convince Lexa back into bed… She made herself pay attention to Raven again.

“Well, you’re talking about _her_ …”

“That’s because I don’t know what to do! What should I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know!”

Clarke rubbed her eyes, yawning.

“Right, so the sex was good?” Raven nodded. “You find her attractive?” Another nod. “And you enjoy her company?” 

“Yes, I do.”

“So why aren’t you dating?”

Raven hardened.

“Why aren’t you and Lexa dating?”

“ _Seriously?_ You woke me up to talk about your problems and now you’re going to flip this around on me?” Clarke was starting to feel a little irritated. She wanted to help, she really did, but she couldn’t summon the patience to deal with Raven being difficult.

Raven had the grace to look a little ashamed and her whole body sagged.

“I’m sorry.”

“Good. Now you need to take this seriously, consider all your options. Is this just a drunken thing that happened? Do you want to just have casual sex? Or, now really think about this Ray, do you like her as more than just a friend?”

Raven tucked herself up under the duvet, pulling it right up under her chin.

“I think I like her,” she said in a small voice, not meeting Clarke’s eyes.

_Hallelujah._

“Then you need to see if she feels the same way.”

“I can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“That’s too scary!”

“Because she might not?”

“No, because she might _actually_ want to be more than friends! Don’t you think that’s scary?”

Clarke thought of Lexa nervously telling her that she liked her the night before and smiled.

“It’s the good kind of scary, trust me.”

“Wait…” She quirked her eyebrow at the look on Clarke’s face. “What happened with you and Lexa last night? You didn’t have sex with her, did you?”

“No, unlike you guys, we decided to wait until we were sober to make any big decisions. Anyway, this isn’t about me and Lexa. You and Anya need to talk.”

“Do we have to?” Raven pouted.

“Do you want to get over this awkward part?”

Raven hung her head.

“Yes.”

“Then yes, you need to talk. Or you can just ask her out on a date, if she says yes then you’ve got your answer!”

“But what if she _does_ like me?”

“Then you need to learn how to be more than just friends. From what I’ve seen of you two together you’re pretty much there already.”

“We are?”

“You are.”

“Oh…” A wistful smile spread over Raven’s face and Clarke’s heart warmed at seeing her friend look so happy. “I guess dating Anya could be a good thing… She’s funny, and hot, and _god_ , Clarke, the sex, _wow_.”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I heard enough last night to know just how good it was.”

Raven grimaced.

“Sorry dude, drunk Raven is noisy.”

“Yes, I know.”

“And apparently so is Anya. I wonder if she’d be as vocal when she’s sober…”

“ _Raven._ ”

Raven shook her head as if she were clearing her mind of wandering thoughts and gave Clarke a sweet, understanding smile as she nudged her arm.

“I’m sorry, I know it must be hard for you. You’ll get there, I know you will.”

Clarke was just about to answer when a knock at the door diverted their attention.

“Yeah?” She called out.

The door opened and Lexa popped her head around it and into the room. Her curls were a little dishevelled, her cheeks still rosy from sleep, and Clarke found her heart starting to race. Sleep tousled Lexa was gorgeous.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt but Raven? Anya is downstairs and she wants to talk to you.”

Raven turned to Clarke and gave her a scared look.

“You’ll be fine,” Clarke told her, reaching out to take her hand and giving it a quick squeeze. “Just remember what we talked about.”

Raven gulped and got up, her fists clenched at her sides. Clarke could almost see the determination setting in her friend and she felt a little proud.

“OK, OK, I can do this,” Raven said, giving Clarke a nervous smile.

She left the room muttering to herself and Lexa just stood in the doorway watching her go. Eventually her attention came back to Clarke and she smiled, walking into the room and closing the door behind her.

“I come bearing water and pain killers,” she said, holding up a glass in one hand and a little tub in the other. Clarke smiled.

“My hero!”

Lexa gave her a sweet smile and came to stand awkwardly by the side of the bed, handing the water to her. Clarke gulped some down, feeling much better the instant the cool liquid touched her tongue. She tossed back a couple of pain killers for good measure.

“You coming back to bed?” She asked Lexa, staring into the bottom of her glass as the nerves wrapped around her.

“Sure, we should probably stay out of the way while they talk it out anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to walk in on that conversation. I’m glad they’re finally going to talk though.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Lexa walked around to the other side of the bed and slid in next to Clarke, the familiarity from the previous night gone.

“Is Anya freaking out too?” Clarke asked, a little sad at the distance between them. She understood it, things were different in the light of day, especially now they were sober.

“Oh my god, yes. She’s terrible. But I told her that she and Raven need to talk about what it is that they really want.”

“Sounds like some good advice.”

“It seemed to work pretty well for us last night,” Lexa said shrugging and Clarke smiled.

“So no regrets about anything you said, then?”

Lexa shook her head, giving a soft laugh.

“No, Clarke. I finally had the courage to be entirely honest with you and I feel much better for it. How about you?”

“Nope, I am happy right now and definitely excited for our date tomorrow.”

“Good.”

“It _is_ good.”

They sat there for a while, Clarke sipping on her water and Lexa fiddling with the duvet cover. When Clarke finally put her glass down, she willed herself to be bold enough to ask for what she really wanted.

“I know you probably have to get home soon but… Can we cuddle?”

Lexa’s eyes widened a little at first until she saw Clarke’s smile and then her face softened and she smiled back.

“I’d like that.”

They shuffled to lie down and Clarke beckoned Lexa into her, sighing as Lexa snuggled up to her, her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck. She felt Lexa kiss the skin she found before getting comfortable and settling down. While Clarke’s heart was erratic at first it soon settled, the soothing pressure of Lexa against her calming her. 

Now _this_ was the way she had wanted to wake up.

 

*

 

An odd calm had settled over Clarke as she got ready for the date the following evening. She was rummaging in her closet again much like she had been before her first date with Lexa a few months ago but there wasn’t nearly as much discomfort in her this time. Sure, she was still stressing over what to wear but that was only because she wanted to look nice for Lexa. She still had butterflies stretching their wings in her stomach as they readied themselves for take-off but she was pretty sure they were caused mostly by excitement, not solely by nerves, this time. The heap of discarded clothes on her bed was much smaller and Raven was sprawled out on her front next to them, watching Clarke get ready with a grin on her face.

“You’re lucky Anya was busy tonight or I wouldn’t have been able to look after little Finn for you,” Raven said, kicking her feet in the air behind her, her head propped up in her hands.

Clarke rolled her eyes. Ever since Raven and Anya had talked things over yesterday, Raven had become smug about their budding relationship and was eager to share her newfound wisdom with Clarke.

“I asked both you and Octavia so if you’d have been busy I’m sure she would have managed on her own.”

“I guess. But anyway, I’m seeing Anya tomorrow instead.”

“Yeah, you said.”

“Oh. Well she’s taking me out to dinner.”

“That’s great.”

“And Lexa is cooking for you at her place?”

“Yeah. And unless one of you is dying or little Finn really needs me, there’s to be no interruptions, OK?”

“Alright, we’ll leave you to it.”

“Good. Being around all of you guys is making this harder. Every time something _could_ happen one of you appears to kill the moment. I mean, it’s usually little Finn but knowing you and Octavia are just wandering around doesn’t help.”

“You’re telling me! I’m the one who’s been dating for the past six years while living here, this is only your first try.”

“You could have moved out if you needed the privacy.”

“Nah, are you kidding? I love living with you guys.”

Clarke turned to look at Raven and softened at the smile on her face. 

“Good, I love it too.” She returned to her search. “OK, I think I can go casual, right? Just a nice shirt and jeans should do it. It’s just dinner at her apartment.”

“Dude, you look hot in anything, trust me. And Lexa’s crazy about you, she thinks the sun shines out of your ass, you’ll always look good to her.”

“Eloquent as always,” Clarke said, shaking her head and chuckling.

“Am I not always supportive though?”

“Of course.” She definitely had to agree with that.

Eventually Clarke decided on a blue plaid shirt and some comfy but flattering jeans and she was just finishing her makeup when Finn came in the room.

“Mommy? You look pretty! Are you going out?”

“Hey little man, thanks. And yeah, I told you I was going out tonight.”

“You did?” He walked over and plonked himself down on the bed next to Raven. His face creased up in confusion and he scratched at his head, ruffling his already scruffy hair. Sometimes he was just like a perfect little cartoon and Clarke found him to be endlessly entertaining.

“I did, were you not listening?”

“What was I doing?”

“We were in the car on the way home.”

“Was I dancing?”

“Uh… Maybe?”

“I forget to listen when I dance to good songs, Mommy.”

Clarke looked at his adorable, unapologetic face and laughed.

“I’m going to Lexa’s tonight.”

His expression brightened.

“Ooo, can I come?”

“No, honey, not today.”

“Oh, why?” He pouted. “I like Lexa and we have fun! And Hades probably misses me, I haven’t seen him in _ages_.” He slumped back to lie on the bed dramatically, an arm flung over his eyes.

“We can go and see him soon, I promise.”

“But why can’t I see him tonight?”

“Because Lexa and I want to have some grown-up time.”

That made Finn sit back up and he frowned at her. Clarke noticed Raven’s sly smile beside him.

“Grown-up time?”

“Yeah, just us grown-ups, no kids this time. We’re just going to have some dinner, nothing special. You won’t be missing out on anything.”

“Wait, is this grown-up time like Raven used to have with her boyfriends and girlfriends? Like she’s having with Anya tomorrow?”

“You’ve even told _Finn_ about your date?”

Raven shrugged.

“He got it out of me.”

Clarke looked back at Finn. She hadn’t really thought of exactly how she was going to deal with him in all this and she hesitated. Raven, meanwhile, struggled to hold back her laughter as she looked between the two of them.

“Mommy, you don’t have grown-up time like that.”

“Kid’s got a point,” Raven said, snorting and then hastily pressing a hand over her mouth to stifle the noise.

“Not helping.” Clarke shot Raven a look. “OK, little Finn,” she said, crouching in front of him and putting her hands on his knees, “Lexa and I are hanging out just the two of us tonight but I promise that very soon we’ll all do something together, OK?”

Finn sighed, his expression resigned.

“I guess that’s OK.”

“Thank you.” Clarke kissed his cheek and he smiled.

“So, Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Are you and Lexa going on a date like Raven and Anya?”

“A… A date?” Clarke gulped. She _so_ wasn’t ready to have this talk with Finn yet. She really wanted to talk it through with Lexa first and see what she was comfortable with.

“Yeah, Clarke, is it a date?” Raven said, grinning.

“I think Mommy likes Lexa,” Finn said turning to Raven, his hand coming up to cover his mouth as if he were whispering to her but, as anyone who had met any five year olds would be familiar with, he didn’t actually succeed in lowering his voice much. Clarke could see him grinning behind that tiny hand. 

_Busted._

“I think you might be right, kiddo,” Raven said to him, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Mommy likes Leeeeeexa,” Finn teased, looking back at Clarke.

“No, I don’t, we’re just friends, Finn.” She didn’t feel good about lying to him but she’d tell him the truth when she knew the best way to.

“Yeah, friends who wanna kiss each other.” He kept drawing out his vowels and Clarke couldn’t believe her angel of a son was teasing her about Lexa.

“Finn!” She exclaimed.

“It’s OK, Mommy, I’m pretty sure she won’t mind.”

“Finn Jacob Griffin, you little devil! You need to be good tonight, OK? I don’t want you causing any trouble for Raven or Octavia.”

“I’ll be good if you promise I can come to Lexa’s next time.”

Was her sweet little boy trying to blackmail her?

“Excuse me?”

“Please can I come next time, Mommy?” He widened those gorgeous brown eyes at her and he knew exactly what he was doing. 

Clarke sighed.

“You can come next time but for tonight, I’m going by myself.”

“OK. Ooo, I’ve had an idea! Can Lexa come trick-or-treating with us? It’s nearly Halloween, remember!”

“I’ll ask her.”

“Good. And she should totally dress up.”

“What do you think she should dress up as?”

“Same as you.”

“Same as…” Clarke smiled at the thought. “And will this make you stop talking about this being a date?”

Finn nodded, a cheeky smile on his face.

“Yep. You can have grown-up time and then Lexa can come out with us on Halloween.”

Clarke laughed.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, little man.”

“Wahoo!” He jumped up and ran towards the door, turning back to Clarke once he reached the doorway. “You really do look nice, Mommy. Lexa’s gonna think so too.”

“Thanks buddy.” 

He flashed her a bright smile and Clarke let it fill her heart. She may not have been ready to fully explain it to him right then but it helped to know that he was on board with the idea. 

Raven looked up at Clarke.

“Your kid is way too smart.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It _is_ a date though, right?”

Clarke’s cheeks were warming as she gave Raven a bashful smile.

“Yeah, it is.”

Raven leapt up and tackled Clarke into a hug and Clarke just laughed, holding her tightly.

“I’m so proud of you,” Raven told her as she pulled out of her grip to look at her.

“Thanks, Ray, I… I really like her,” Clarke said quietly, her excitement bubbling over. Raven’s eyes were shining and she moved forward to press a kiss to Clarke’s forehead.

“I know you do, Clarke, and I’m so happy for you.”

Clarke’s heart was beating hard in her chest, she knew she was wearing a silly grin on her face, and she was full to the brim with emotion. She finally felt ready and as she thought of seeing Lexa soon, she realised that she was already in pretty deep. When had that even happened?

She was glad she had given herself those few extra months to ready herself because she had a feeling she was about to go on one hell of a ride with Lexa.

 

*

 

So, Clarke had a new hobby.

Lexa was stood at the island in her kitchen preparing their dinner and Clarke was sat on the other side watching her with what she was sure was a dopey expression. Nothing that Lexa was doing: washing vegetables, chopping, getting out pots, was very interesting but Lexa herself was _fascinating_. Clarke found herself completely enamoured watching Lexa do even the most mundane of tasks and she didn’t even feel embarrassed about it. She liked the way that Lexa would rub the back of her hand against her forehead to brush away loose hairs while she was chopping so as to keep her hands clean. She liked the way that Lexa bit at her lip as she concentrated. She especially liked the way Lexa’s eyes kept flicking up when Clarke spoke, a small smile on her lips as she listened to her. Watching Lexa was becoming one of Clarke’s favourite pastimes and she didn’t have it in her to try and lie to herself about that anymore.

She liked Lexa. Like, a _lot_.

And the smile that Lexa kept giving her, the pretty one that made all of those butterflies inside her take off, made her sure that Lexa was feeling the same way about her. 

Who knew scary could feel so good?

Clarke had been so excited to see Lexa and especially to spend an evening with her where it would finally just be the two of them. As much as she loved Finn and her friends, the idea of having a few hours with Lexa entirely to herself, no interruptions, was one of the best things that she had ever encountered. It also occurred to her that for most of the time that they _had_ actually managed to spend alone together, one of them had been sick and a little delirious or they’d been drunk. She fully intended to make up for them being healthy and of sound mind tonight.

She sang along to the radio for the whole drive over to Lexa’s, humming along a few seconds behind to the songs she didn’t know. She was in such a good mood, even if she was just the tiniest bit nervous about what could happen between them. She trusted Lexa to keep things to a comfortable pace though, she had already proven to her just how considerate she was and for that Clarke was grateful. It had helped her to let her guard down initially and seeing how nervous and reserved Lexa had been towards her as they grew closer let Clarke know that she really was taking things between them seriously.

Lexa had answered the door to her apartment with a bright smile and Clarke’s pulse had instantly started racing. She looked so _good_ in a collared shirt and navy sweater, sleeves rolled up to her elbows, jeans hugging those legs that seemed to go on for days. 

“Get you a girl who can do both,” Clarke muttered to herself, completely in awe of how Lexa looked phenomenal whether she was wearing a shirt and jeans or a pretty dress. Actually she looked amazing in anything, if Clarke was totally honest, even all mussed up from sleep in her PJs.

“Huh?” Lexa was confused and Clarke flushed, she really hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Uh, never mind. Hey,” Clarke said, trying to recover but when Lexa gave her a bashful smile she felt herself begin to melt at the cuteness before her.

“Hey.”

Clarke found herself moving forward and kissing Lexa’s cheek, something about her just drawing her in. She smelled amazing, soft and clean and a little floral, and Clarke held her arms as she kissed her, pulling her close. The rosy cheeks her eyes uncovered when she stepped back made her stomach coil and she started to think of other places she wanted to kiss Lexa. She wasn’t bold enough yet, though, and so she settled for linking hands with her and allowing herself to be led inside. There was still plenty of time to work on her courage.

They talked a little bit about Raven and Anya, they were the main source of entertainment in their friendship group these days, and a little about Finn as always. 

“It distracted them from us for, like, a day, so that was nice,” Clarke said, and Lexa laughed.

“Anya called me up when I was getting ready tonight, she’s already moved on from her own drama to start badgering me about you again. She’s terrible.”

“I’ve had both Raven and Finn teasing me about you today.”

Lexa looked a little surprised but there was curiosity painted into the contours of her face.

“Wait, Finn was teasing you?”

Clarke could feel herself blushing but she knew she was going to have to bring up Finn and their situation eventually.

“Yes, he was.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked if tonight was a date and I wasn’t sure what I should say because he’s my kid, you know, and he’s never seen me date before, so I decided to go casual. I just said no, that we just wanted to spend some time together and he said he thought I liked you. When I said that we’re just friends he said yeah, friends who want to kiss each other.”

Lexa snorted.

“That reminds me of something he said to me the other week. I didn’t tell you because you were sick and then I guess I forgot.”

“Oh god, what did he say?”

“He was talking about how he didn’t think it would be weird if you and I kissed. I swear he’s onto us.”

“Oh, he totally is. He and Raven make quite the little shit-stirring team, that’s for sure.”

“I can only imagine. So does he still think this is a date?”

“Yeah, I don’t think he believed a word I said. He really wanted to come over with me and I had to bribe him to get him to agree to stay home.”

“What did he get out of you?”

“Well, actually this is going to be more of what can I get you to do.”

“What?”

“He wants you to come trick-or-treating with us on Halloween.”

“He does?” Lexa smiled, looking a little flattered.

“Yeah and here’s the part you might not like… He wants you to dress up.”

“I can do that.”

“You… You can?” Clarke had expected more resistance from Lexa, she hadn’t even told her his request of costume yet.

“Sure, I’d do pretty much anything for that kid,” she looked down for a second. “And you,” she finished quietly, her eyes flicking back up again.

“He’ll be glad to hear that.”

They smiled at each other for a moment, the emotion between them palpable, and then Lexa’s expression turned thoughtful.

“Going back to what we were talking about before… You definitely _want_ this to be a date though, right?” Lexa paused the chopping of the peppers, her previously light expression tinged with uncertainty.

“Hey, of course I do,” Clarke said, reaching her hand across the worktop to cover Lexa’s. “I only denied it to him because didn’t want to say too much and get his hopes up. Or make you uncomfortable. You said on his first day of school that it would be weird if we dated because you’re his teacher and then we kind of just brushed that problem away. But we really should consider how it’ll affect him.”

“Honestly, Clarke, you just tell him whatever you’re comfortable with whenever you feel it’s the right time. I’m happy with whatever you think is best for him. If you just want to keep this between us for now then that’s OK. I mean, he’s going to notice some stuff, he’s so observant, but still.”

“It won’t scare you off if he knows about us? It must be a little odd to date someone with a kid.”

“It’s certainly new to me but we’ve been friends for a little while now and I like Finn, I know him very well so it’s OK. I don’t want him to get his hopes up though if this doesn’t…” 

Lexa went quiet and Clarke completely understood. They had to be extra careful with Finn but considering a possible demise of a relationship they hadn’t even started yet was a little sobering.

“OK, for now let’s just keep it friendly with him. We can spend time alone sometimes but when he’s around we’ll just act like friends for a little while. Until we’re…” She searched for the right words. “Until we know where we stand.”

“That sounds good to me,” Lexa said, going back to her chopping with a cute, satisfied smile.

“So where _do_ we stand?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask.

Lexa didn’t look up as she answered.

“Well, we’re on what feels like our second first date right now and I think it’s going pretty well so far. I’m really glad you’re here and you look so beautiful tonight, it’s making me realise just how much I like you.”

“Wow.”

“I…” Lexa looked up, her breathing shallow. “I don’t know where all that came from, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I feel the same, it’s really nice to hear.”

Lexa somehow seemed to shrink into herself and Clarke couldn’t bear to see her looking so small and unsure of herself. She felt that pull again, the one that made her want to be close to Lexa, and so she got up and walked around to the other side of the island. Her heart was hammering as she stood behind Lexa and swept that amazingly thick hair over one of her shoulders and moved forward, pressing her front into Lexa’s back. She wrapped her arms around Lexa’s middle, her actions much bolder than she felt, and rested her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa tensed a little at first but as Clarke nuzzled her nose into her neck she sighed, her whole body softening.

“Clarke, you’re rather distracting,” Lexa said breathily. Clarke just hummed and held her tighter, pressing a kiss just above her collar.

“Well I was distracted watching you cook,” Clarke muttered as she dragged her nose along Lexa’s skin. Lexa seemed to tremble a little and Clarke couldn’t help but grin. The effect she was having on Lexa made her feel powerful but at the same time her knees were weak and she was pretty sure that if her hands weren’t pressed into the softness of Lexa’s torso, they would be shaking.

“I can’t imagine it was all that enthralling.”

“Oh, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’re gorgeous no matter what you’re doing.” She kissed Lexa’s neck again, breathing in that intoxicating scent. 

“ _Clarke_.” Lexa’s voice was barely more than an exhalation as Clarke’s lips met her skin once more.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Lexa shook her head, biting her lip. She kept chopping though and Clarke had to admire her effort.

“Please don’t.”

Clarke was grinning into Lexa’s skin as she continued to kiss her, feeling a little bolder at her words. She loosened her hold a little, letting her hands move over Lexa’s stomach and down to the bottom of her sweater. She heard Lexa pull in a sharp breath and she took that to be a good thing, her fingers pulling at the fabric and ghosting over warm skin. When Clarke flicked her eyes up to see Lexa holding another pepper in her hand and cutting into it, she chuckled. How had she not stopped yet?

“Lex, what are you doing?”

“I’m… I’m making you dinner.”

“Dinner can wait a little while.” Clarke pushed up onto the balls of her feet to kiss Lexa’s cheek, her hands finding their way completely under Lexa’s shirt and lying flat on the surprisingly firm skin of her stomach.

“I… _Fuck!_ ” Lexa’s previously breathy tone turned sharp and she hissed, her body going rigid. Clarke jumped back as she was jolted out of the little stupor she and Lexa had seemed to fall into.

“What happened?” Clarke said, coming to stand next to Lexa and taking in the way that her face had creased up and how she was bearing her teeth almost in a snarl.

“I cut myself,” Lexa said through gritted teeth.

Clarke looked down at the chopping board and saw that Lexa had dropped the pepper and the knife and was clutching at her left hand with her right. Her palm had pooled with blood, the starkness of the colour against her skin snapping Clarke to attention.

“Shit!” She exclaimed, grabbing the dish towel from the side and pressing it into Lexa’s palm. The blood had begun dripping on the food and Lexa’s face fell when she noticed it.

“Oh no, I ruined the dinner!”

“Don’t worry about that right now, let me look at the cut.”

“It’s fine, Clarke. I just need a band aid.” She sighed mournfully, her injury seemingly forgotten. “I’ll have to go out and get more ingredients now.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and pulled the towel off Lexa’s hand, grimacing when she saw the mess it unveiled. There was a deep cut along Lexa’s palm and as soon as the fabric was pulled away from it, blood began pooling quickly again. Clarke covered it up and applied pressure, looking back up at Lexa. Lexa was still frowning down at the chopping board.

“I think we should take you to the ER, you might need stitches.”

Lexa finally turned her attention to Clarke.

“No, it’s fine, really, it just stings a little. A band-aid will do.”

“Lexa, this cut is huge.”

“OK, then can I have a large band-aid? The first aid kit is in the cabinet over there,” she pointed with her free hand. 

Clarke sighed and went to get it, rummaging around the little bag she unearthed to try and find something cleaner to stop the bleeding with. By the time she came back to Lexa the dish towel was completely saturated and Lexa was looking a little pale.

“Lexa?” Clarke said, placing her hand on Lexa’s cheek. She hadn’t realised there was blood on her hand until she smeared it on Lexa’s face by accident. She wiped her hand on her jeans, not even thinking about it, and then tried to get the red off Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa’s gaze was wandering, her expression vacant.

“I think I need to sit down,” she said quietly and Clarke led her over to the stool, growing more worried by the second. She took the wad of gauze she had found in the first aid kit and put it on Lexa’s palm instead of the towel and she took hold of Lexa’s chin, making her focus.

“I’m taking you to the ER, OK?”

“Honestly, Clarke, I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss. I just feel a little dizzy, that’s all.”

“No more arguments, you’re going. My mom is a doctor and I’ve seen her patch up enough people to know that this is pretty bad. Who cuts towards their palm anyway, it’s so dangerous!”

“I was kind of distracted.” Lexa was frowning a little but a hint of a smile tugged at her lips as she looked up at Clarke whose insides were clenching in guilt.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that when you had a knife in your hand… But, in my defence, I was trying to get you to stop and pay attention to me instead.”

“I was making you dinner!” Lexa protested.

“And you could have continued afterwards.”

“After what?”

Clarke hesitated, she wasn’t really sure what she would have done if Lexa hadn’t hurt herself. She had just been kind of following her instincts, something she hadn’t done in a long time.

“Come on, time to get you fixed up,” Clarke said, pulling Lexa to her feet.

They were barely half an hour into their date and they were already on their way to the ER, how had they messed it up that badly so quickly? Clarke fought against the doubts in her mind as she piled Lexa into the car. It was a good job she didn’t believe in signs because if she did, she might start thinking that there was a reason things kept getting in their way.

 

*

 

Clarke had lost track of how long they had been in the waiting room when she saw her mom rushing over to her, her face full of panic.

“Clarke? What happened? Are you OK? Is it little Finn?”

Clarke got her to feet and Abby grabbed her arms, looking her up and down.

“Mom, it’s fine, I’m fine, little Finn’s fine.”

“Oh jeez, Clarke, don’t do that to me! One of the nurses said she thought she saw you out here and you know me, my mind instantly goes to the worst possible place. Wait, so why are you here?” She peered over Clarke’s shoulder at Lexa.

“My, uh… Lexa, you remember Lexa, right? She came to my birthday party?”

“Yeah, sure, is she OK?”

Clarke looked at Lexa who, though a little pale, otherwise looked fine. Lexa gave a small smile, clearly uncomfortable.

“She cut her hand when she was making dinner for us so I brought her here, it looks pretty bad.”

Abby moved over towards Lexa, sitting on the seat beside her.

“Hi Lexa, may I?” She said softly, indicating to the mostly red wad of gauze on Lexa’s hand.

Lexa just nodded. Clarke had a feeling she was trying to be stoic when she downplayed how much her hand hurt, the fact that she had barely said anything since they got there spoke volumes. Lexa winced as the fabric was pulled back and Clarke felt it in her bones. She hated seeing Lexa in pain.

“Alright, yeah, it’s going to need seeing to. Come with me, I can sort you out.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Clarke said, wondering why she hadn’t thought to call her mom and find out if she was working in the first place. She could have got Lexa seen much sooner. 

It was a strange atmosphere in the exam room as Abby cleaned Lexa’s cut. Clarke stood by her side looking between them, trying to think of something to talk about to break the ice. The awkwardness sank deep inside her, however, and she failed to think of a single thing. Lexa remained pretty passive the entire time, tensing only a few times as Abby dabbed at the cut. The bleeding had slowed a lot which eased Clarke’s mind, it didn’t seem so bad now and a little colour was coming back to Lexa’s cheeks.

“So where is my grandson tonight?” Abby asked and Clarke almost sighed in relief. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could have just stood there in silence.

“He’s at home with Raven and Octavia.”

“And why aren’t you?”

“I went to Lexa’s for dinner. That’s how she got hurt, remember? She was making dinner for us.”

“And was this a friendly dinner or a date?” Abby raised her eyebrows, looking between Clarke and Lexa. Clarke was sure that if Lexa had been at full strength she would have been blushing as hard as she knew she herself was.

“Um… It was dinner.”

Abby gave Clarke a knowing smile before turning back to Lexa.

“So what are your intentions towards my daughter?”

Lexa blinked up at her and Clarke could tell she was struggling to keep her cool.

“Well, my intention was to make a nice dinner for her. Unfortunately I got distracted and ruined our evening by injuring myself.” Lexa gave a sheepish look and Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her, she really was adorable sometimes.

“Cute but you know what I mean.”

“Sorry, Doctor Griffin. I… Well…”

“Lexa, you don’t have to answer that. Mom, not now, OK? I can take care of myself, I’m a big girl.”

“Well I haven’t had to do the protective parent thing for a long time, it’s been a while since you’ve dated, Clarke. You can’t be mad at me for being a little cautious.”

“I appreciate that but I’m not an impulsive teenager anymore, just because I haven’t dated since my teens, it doesn’t mean that I’m not an adult.”

Abby nodded.

“You’re right, I trust that you are responsible enough to handle yourself.” She turned to Lexa. “However, how do I know I can trust this one with you?”

“ _Mom_ ,” Clarke hissed, mortified. She couldn’t believe her mom was being like this.

“Hold this,” she said to Lexa, pressing a pad of antiseptic soaked gauze to Lexa’s palm. Lexa did as she was told, looking as if she wished the ground would fall out from beneath her just to give her somewhere to go other than having to be around for this conversation. Abby straightened up and looked at Clarke.

“I watched as your whole life was torn out from under you and I’ve had the same thing happen to me, I don’t think I can handle any more heartbreak, Clarke. I can’t watch you fall apart again. I couldn’t protect you before but I can now.” 

Clarke was surprised to see her mom’s dark eyes glistening with tears and understanding came crashing around her. She thought about little Finn and how protective she was over him and she got it. If she’d seen him go through so much she would probably be reacting exactly the same way.

“Oh, Mom,” she said softly, pulling Abby into a hug.

“I’m sorry, Clarke, I can’t help it.”

“I know, I’m sorry too.” Clarke pulled back and looked at Abby, smiling a little. “But I trust Lexa and you should too.”

Abby looked back at Lexa who still looked incredibly tense. Clarke was surprised when she spoke.

“I really like your daughter, Doctor Griffin, and your grandson. I will do everything in my power to make them both as happy as possible, I can promise you that much. Clarke and I have become quite close and I know how much she’s been through. I only want what’s best for her, I can assure you.”

Abby regarded Lexa for a few moments, tense, before exhaling deeply and Clarke was relieved to see a smile spreading slowly on her face.

“You can call me Abby.”

Lexa nodded, smiling softly. 

“OK, Abby, thanks.”

“You’re not going to know what hit you if you hurt my daughter though,” Abby stated simply and Clarke was impressed as Lexa kept her composure.

“If I ever screw up enough to hurt her then I’ll deserve everything you’ve got.”

“Too right you will.”

“I don’t see it happening though,” Lexa said, looking over at Clarke and grinning. The smile was so pure and genuine, and Clarke could feel it seeping its way through the air and beneath her skin, warming her all over. She knew exactly what she would be doing to Lexa if she had just looked at her like that in a room that her mother wasn’t in.

“See? Nothing to worry about,” Clarke said, struggling to keep the way her heart was swelling from affecting her voice. 

Abby looked between the two of them and rolled her eyes.

“Oh my god, look at the two of you. My teeth are hurting, you’re so sweet.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Clarke protested, a whole different kind of embarrassment washing over her this time. Abby just laughed and the way Lexa ducked her head with rosy cheeks made Clarke bite her lip to hold back all of the things that she was feeling.

Lexa made Clarke feel so much and yet she still hadn’t managed to get her alone long enough to really work out what it all was and fully embrace it. But _god_ , she really wanted to.

 

*

 

Lexa continued to mourn their spoiled dinner in the car on the way home and Clarke just laughed at her. 

At the hospital, Abby had finished cleaning Lexa’s wound and dressed it, telling her that she would need to change the dressing every day to ensure that it healed properly. Clarke didn’t say so but she fully intended to do it herself, it was kind of her fault that Lexa had hurt herself in the first place and she was still feeling really guilty.

“Don’t worry about the dinner, Lex,” Clarke said, flicking her eyes briefly over to see Lexa’s sad little pout.

“I had everything all planned out though, I was going to make you this perfect candle-lit dinner and then afterwards we would go and sit on the couch and talk a bit and…” She trailed off and Clarke caught sight of her biting at her lip.

“And?” Clarke licked her lips, wishing the night had gone to plan. She’d never had a candle lit dinner before and she could only imagine how glorious Lexa would have looked by candlelight. 

Lexa shook her head.

“I don’t know, we’d just have a nice evening together. But instead I had to go and ruin it with my damn attraction to you and land us in the ER. I’m a disaster.”

“Hey, don’t be silly. I still had fun.”

“What part of me bleeding all over you and your mom giving us a lecture was fun?”

“The part where I got to spend an evening with you.”

She heard Lexa sigh.

“How do you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better?”

Clarke smiled.

“Because I’m a genius, obviously.” An idea occurred to her. “And because of that I know exactly where we need to go. I’m not taking you home yet, the night is still young.”

“Actually, Clarke, it’s pretty-”

“Shhh.”

Lexa laughed.

“Fine, fine, take me wherever you like.”

Clarke grinned and a few minutes later they were pulling up in front of her favourite pizza place.

“Honestly, Clarke, you are a pizza fiend.”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me that after all that blood loss you couldn’t use a nice hearty slice of pizza to make you feel better?” Clarke took the key out of the ignition and turned to face Lexa.

“You know what,” Lexa said, smiling, “I think you might be onto something there.”

Clarke beamed.

“See, told you I’m a genius.”

“And you’re modest too.”

They laughed and Clarke’s heart fluttered at the way it sounded and she marvelled at how it relaxed Lexa’s face. 

“Come on, I’m buying,” Clarke said.

“Like hell you are, tonight was supposed to be my treat.”

“But you’re the injured party.”

“It was my fault.”

“It was kind of my fault too.”

“Do I have to come over there and fight you over this?”

Clarke raised her eyebrows, enjoying this playful side of Lexa.

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Oh I could totally beat your ass, I did all kinds of martial arts as a kid, rich parents remember?”

“Yeah but I could use your skills against you, I’m a genius after all. Plus, I’m stronger than I look.”

Lexa hardened her jaw defiantly.

“So am I.”

“I’m not the one that got flustered enough from neck kisses to cut a hole in my palm though.” Clarke raised her eyebrows, a wicked grin taking over her lips.

Lexa’s jaw dropped and when the initial shock wore off she laughed prettily.

“OK, you have a point.” She bit her lip, looking a little nervous. When she spoke again her voice was much lower. “You can’t tell me that it didn’t affect you at all, though.”

The light from the streetlight was filtering in through the car window and it created an odd, orange haze around them, making everything seem a little surreal. Lexa’s eyes were glistening, their colour indistinguishable but their beauty refused to be dulled. The two of them had got closer without Clarke intending it and when she realised their proximity she reached out to tuck a strand of Lexa’s hair behind her ear.

“Being so close to you may have had a _little_ bit of an effect on me,” she admitted, all of the playfulness between them gone. The air seemed to thicken as they moved closer still.

“Oh yeah?”

“Uhuh.”

Lexa smiled, her bottom lip trembling ever so slightly. Clarke moved her hand from Lexa’s hair to her cheek and cupped it tenderly. Lexa gave her a nervous smile as she leaned in to her touch, her eyes closing briefly. She was gorgeous and Clarke was enamoured.

“And if I hadn’t have screwed it up, what would you have done?”

Lexa’s eyes were trained on her lips and Clarke’s breath caught. It was the moment again. Her mind had been racing before the first time they kissed but now a serene kind of calm befell her and she just smiled. Her whole body seemed to sigh in relief as she moved closer.

“I wanted to do this,” she said, pressing their foreheads together and smiling as Lexa let out a little gasp. She moved closer still, closing her eyes as her arm moved to snake around Lexa’s back. The angle was awkward but she wasn’t going to let anything stop her. She needed to feel those gorgeously soft lips-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. 

The two of them sprang apart and Clarke wanted to swear so loudly but she whipped around to find the source of the noise. There was an older man frowning in the window at them, his knuckles against the glass.

“Can you pull forward a little? You’re blocking me in!” The guy called to her.

“Yeah, hang on.” She glanced quickly over at Lexa who had her head in her hands.

“Thank you!” The guy shouted out.

_Fucking hell._

Once she had moved her car and the guy had driven away, Clarke let out a long breath.

“Do you ever feel like the universe just keeps trying to get in our way?” Lexa said as Clarke turned to look at her.

She reached to take Lexa’s hand and gave her a sad little smile.

“We do seem to get interrupted a lot.”

Lexa just sighed.

“Come on, let’s go and get some pizza.”

 

*

 

They were quiet as they ate and Clarke could tell that it was bothering Lexa that they got interrupted again. She wanted to reassure her and tell her that she didn’t believe that it was a sign, that it was just bad luck, but she was back to feeling nervous again. All of these moments building up between them but with no physical release was getting a little frustrating. Though they now knew how they felt about each other, not being able to express it properly was leaving them stranded in limbo.

Clarke walked Lexa into her building and offered to come in to help her clear up their abandoned dinner but Lexa just shook her head as she unlocked the door to her apartment. She stepped over the threshold, turning back to look at Clarke and leaning against the doorframe. 

“No, that’s OK, you should get home. We’ve both got to be up early in the morning.”

“Alright.”

 _Say something to make her feel better_ , Clarke pleaded with herself but Lexa looked like a sad little puppy and she was powerless to do anything about it. She could have kicked herself, why was she being so ridiculous?

“I’m sorry things didn’t go to plan.”

“Me too.”

_Tell her that you don’t mind! That you had fun anyway! That you want to take her out again some time! That you could do literally anything together and it would be the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you!_

But Clarke didn’t say anything. Silence hung between them and Lexa fiddled with the keys in her hands while Clarke shifted awkwardly on the spot. Their eyes skirted around their surroundings before finally meeting again. Lexa looked thoroughly uncomfortable and Clarke was disheartened. She’d had such high hopes for the night.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lexa finally said. “Goodnight, Clarke.”

Clarke’s stomach seemed to sink all the way to the floor, the disappointment washing over her. Lexa was dismissing her but the question was: was she going to let her?

“You will, night Lex.”

She gave her a wan smile and turned away, starting to walk down the hall. Apparently she _was_ just going to leave. What happened to the bold Clarke that she used to be? The one that always went for what she wanted? She had told herself she wasn’t going to let her nerves get the better of her so many times since meeting Lexa but she kept failing, why couldn’t she stick to her word about this? She certainly shouldn’t be letting a few interruptions dissuade her and she shouldn’t be leaving Lexa looking so sad. She stopped and took a deep breath. 

_When did you get so weak, Clarke?_

But that’s the thing about caring for someone, sometimes it makes you seem weak but it wasn’t that at all, it was just nerves. If she wanted Lexa, she had to be strong.

Could she be strong?

“Lexa?” She called out, turning around.

Lexa had just been closing the door, her head down, but Clarke’s voice snapped her back into focus, her expression clearing as she opened the door back up.

“Clarke?”

“You know how you said it seems like the universe keeps trying to get in our way?”

Lexa just nodded. She looked so small and unsure but there was something just below the surface that seemed to make her glow. It looked a little like hope and it spurred Clarke on. She pulled every bit of strength she had in her right to her core and spoke the words that she knew were going to change everything. And _god_ was she ready for them to.

“Let’s not let it.”

The biggest and most beautiful smile Clarke had ever seen broke its way onto Lexa’s face and she couldn’t help but mirror it, her heart soaring. They both started towards each other at the same time and met in the middle of the deserted hallway. Clarke’s hands came up to clutch at Lexa’s face, her thumbs rubbing at the soft skin they found, and Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hips, pulling her close. They were flush against each other within seconds of Clarke speaking, their foreheads pressed together. Clarke could feel Lexa’s ragged breath against her face and she bit at her lip, fascinated by the way those gorgeous eyes flicked down to capture the movement. There was a thirst in Lexa’s expression that made Clarke feel powerful.

_Now or never._

Clarke surged forward before their phones could ring, before a neighbour could pop their head out of a door, before the fire alarm could sound. Nothing was going to stop her, not even the end of the world. The ground could collapse beneath them and she was still going to go through with this, what a glorious last few seconds of life they would be! If the Grim Reaper himself had shown up to take her away she was sure she would have just socked him in the jaw and kept on going. 

The smiles were still on their mouths as Clarke finally closed the inch that had separated her and Lexa for so long, _too damn long_. 

When their lips were reunited, everything seemed to fall into place. It was a clumsy kiss, they were both smiling too hard for it to be anything else, but they clutched each other fiercely as if they were determined that nothing was going to separate them again. They were exactly where they were supposed to be, where they _needed_ to be and Clarke was pretty sure she had never felt a need as great as she did in that moment. Her heart was leading a parade in her chest and she pulled back a little, pressing erratic kisses all over Lexa’s face. She needed to show Lexa how she felt, how much she adored her, and how special she was to her. 

Lexa giggled and swatted at her face as she peppered kisses all across her skin, somehow succeeding in simultaneously being the cutest and sexiest woman alive in that moment. Clarke was entranced by the melody of her laugh and she let it calm her as their eyes locked. Their arms wrapped around each other and their smiles were softer now, the moment shifting. The initial tension was relieved and somehow everything seemed deeper and more intense. Lexa brushed Clarke’s hair back off her cheek, her palm caressing her skin, an awe-filled smile on her face. As much as Clarke was enjoying the view, she couldn’t wait any longer and she pushed forward to capture Lexa’s lips again. 

This kiss was different, their softer smiles allowing their lips to glide together, melding them seamlessly into one. Lexa was so moreish and Clarke felt like the luckiest woman alive because she got to be the one with her. She pulled on Lexa’s bottom lip with her own, eliciting a gorgeous hum deep in Lexa’s chest as she sucked on it a little harder. She traced her tongue over that excruciatingly soft lip and Lexa deepened the kiss, causing a moan to come unbidden into Clarke’s throat and it clawed its way out as she clung tighter to her. The sound only served to make Lexa kiss her harder.

Three months was way too long to have waited to kiss Lexa again but Clarke couldn’t deny it was well worth the wait. She didn’t intend to wait that long again, however. _No fucking way._ At this point, waiting minutes seemed like a big ask. She savoured the way that their bodies fit together so perfectly, the way Lexa’s fingers made their way into her hair as she attempted to pull her even closer, the way their chests pressed together and she wasn’t sure whose heartbeat it was that she was feeling anymore. She could have defeated entire armies with the strength that she felt finally being with Lexa again and it made her feel _incredible_. She allowed her hands to wander up under Lexa’s shirt and rest on her bare back, her fingers digging in to the supple skin they found as Lexa’s teeth grazed her bottom lip.

Lexa eventually broke the kiss, pulling her lips back a couple of inches but leaving their foreheads pressed together as she struggled for a breath.

“Do you want to come in for a minute?” Her expression was dark and something inside Clarke quivered.

“More than anything.”

They were wearing those ridiculously sweet grins again as Lexa pulled Clarke inside. When the door closed behind them, Clarke was quick to move forward to join their lips once more.

_Take that, universe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our girls have got a way to go yet, there's still another four chapters of impending cuteness to come, but they're headed in the right direction :)


	9. But Demons Take Control Like Toxins in My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya cracks out some wisdom when Lexa's insecurities surface and Clarke is an all-round good person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may or may not have realised that the title of this story and all of its chapters are lyrics from a variety of songs by a band called Against The Current. Their song 'Demons' fits this chapter and the way Lexa feels perfectly, I may have got a little excited when I realised that. 
> 
> Just when you thought I couldn't go any further into feelings, I'm gonna! As always, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it :)

“Here comes the terrifying, the monstrous, the utterly magnificent Finnosaurus-Reeeex!” 

Clarke was stood in the doorway to her bedroom announcing her son’s entrance to Lexa who was sat on the bed, eagerly awaiting the grand reveal of Finn’s Halloween costume.

“Raaaaaaaaar!” His little voice sounded out as he sprang into the room.

Lexa jolted and gasped.

“Oh no, not the Finnosaurus-Rex!”

“Grrrr, I am a carnivore so I’m gonna eat you!” He came charging at Lexa and leapt onto the bed, tackling her into a hug.

“Not today, you meanie dinosaur!” She cried, tickling Finn until he stopped growling and instead started giggling.

“Careful little man, your tail is getting all tangled,” Clarke said, coming to sit next to them.

Finn pulled himself up and perched on Lexa’s lap, unwrapping the big thick tail from around his leg. His little face poked out between the jaws of the fabric dinosaur head and he looked utterly adorable.

“I love it, Mommy, I feel like a real dinosaur! I don’t really wanna eat you though, Lexa, don’t worry.”

Lexa chuckled and admired the costume. It was an all in one dinosaur suit, complete with claws on the hands and feet (which even had rubber soles to prevent the need for shoes) and a very long tail, just like a t-rex. Finn held his hands in front of his chest, bending his arms to make them look shorter, and he gave an almighty roar.

“I can’t believe you made this, Clarke.”

Clarke smiled at her.

“Yeah, well Finn here wasn’t happy with the ones he saw online so we decided to design our own, didn’t we little man?”

“Yuhuh, Mommy is awesome at making all kinds of stuff, not just pretty pictures.”

“I can see that!”

“You have to get ready now,” Finn told them.

“Alright kid, you go and wait for us and we’ll be down soon, OK?”

“OK but hurry, I don’t want the good candy to be gone!”

“I’m sure it won’t be,” Clarke said, chuckling.

Lexa patted Finn’s back, encouraging him up and he went charging and growling out of the room. Clarke and Lexa stood up, Clarke handing Lexa a pile of clothes. Lexa smiled softly at her.

“You can get changed in the bathroom, I’ll get ready out here.”

It had been a few days since their date and they hadn’t really had much of a chance to be alone again yet. Lexa had spent pretty much every second since then thinking about the last little bit of their date. While Lexa had invited Clarke in for a minute, it was definitely more than that, neither of them wanting to stop kissing. Eventually Lexa had to practically force Clarke out of the door, only to drag her back again for one last, lingering kiss. The way that Clarke had clung to her hips underneath her shirt as she kissed her had kept her preoccupied for days. To be desired so intensely was quite the wonderful feeling.

Lexa was determined to find time for another make out session with Clarke before the night was through, she definitely hadn’t got enough of her the other night. She wasn’t sure there was ever going to be enough when it came to kissing Clarke, to be honest. As much as she had been looking forward to an evening of trick-or-treating, she was hoping they could tire Finn out and get him to bed early so they could have the rest of the evening to themselves. Dating a woman with a kid was a little strange for Lexa but she wouldn’t have Clarke any other way. And to be fair, just dating was a little strange, it wasn’t something she had really ever done.

She headed to the bathroom and pulled on the clothes Clarke had given her, grimacing at her reflection in the mirror above the sink. She was pretty sure she’d never worn so much khaki coloured clothing before and she wasn’t sure it really suited her. She was more into black, really. It was only the tip of the iceberg of what she would do for Clarke, though.

She shook her head at her reflection before turning away, opening the door a fraction and speaking.

“Is it safe to come out?”

“Yes,” Clarke chuckled. “I’m dressed, come on, I want to see you.”

Lexa stepped out of the bathroom, all self-consciousness forgotten when she saw Clarke in the same outfit as her and wearing a big grin on her face.

“Do you think we can handle the beast?” Clarke asked, walking up to Lexa and tugging on the collar of her shirt to straighten it out. Lexa felt a little thrill at their proximity.

“We can try,” she said, shrugging with a smile.

“Let’s put our hats on, we’ve got to see the complete look.”

“I really should have asked what Finn wanted me to dress up as before I just agreed to it.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t but it’s too late now.”

Clarke picked up their wide brimmed hats off the bed and tugged her own on before popping the other one on Lexa’s head and grinning.

“You may just be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“You think?”

Lexa looked down at herself, at the loose khakis and the matching shirt. She’d brought along some bulky boots to wear with them at Clarke’s request and the hat really did complete the look. She looked back at Clarke, trying not to notice the way that the buttons of her shirt pulled tighter over her chest, the way the fabric wrinkled over the curves of her hips. That settled it, Clarke really did look good in anything. The thought of unbuttoning that shirt had Lexa’s cheeks blushing and she tried to hold back her wandering mind. 

Lexa’s ridiculously intense attraction to Clarke aside, she thought they looked like pretty good park rangers. Finn, naturally, was obsessed with Jurassic Park and he had decided that he wanted them to follow him around all night like they were trying to catch him.

“Uhuh, I do think,” Clarke said, looking Lexa up and down with a kind of curiosity that made Lexa’s flush deepen. “But you have this uncanny ability to look good in anything. I think perhaps we should tie your hair back though, it looks a little wild under the hat. Maybe a braid?”

Clarke didn’t wait for an answer, she just pulled Lexa’s hat off again and made her way to stand behind her, running her fingers through her hair to tame it a little. Lexa’s stomach tightened as Clarke’s fingers scratched at her scalp and as soon as Clarke was finished with the braid, Lexa turned around to face her again.

“Thank you,” she said, surprised at her own boldness as she stepped into Clarke’s proximity, her arms wrapping around her. She had missed being close to her and apparently her body wasn’t going to wait any longer to reunite them. The brim of Clarke’s hat bumped against her forehead and they laughed, Lexa reaching up to pull it off. She flung it on the bed.

“You are very welcome,” Clarke replied, a little breathless, those blazing blue eyes flicking down to Lexa’s lips. 

Lexa was enamoured with the desire that she saw take over Clarke’s face and who was she to deny her what she wanted? Clarke’s arms came up to loop around Lexa’s neck as they moved forward at the same time, Lexa’s heart quivering as their lips came together. The kiss was hesitant at first but the passion built quickly between them as tongues explored and hands gripped at each other. Clarke was the first to speak when they pulled apart.

“You make me feel like a teenager again,” she breathed out, her eyes locked with Lexa’s. “I feel nervous every time you kiss me but I can’t get enough.”

Lexa knew exactly what she meant. As she grew older, kissing had just become a stepping stone towards sex. She hadn’t enjoyed kissing with no end goal this much since she’d been a fumbling fifteen year old falling in love with her best friend. With Clarke she wanted to savour every tiny thing, she was quite the revelation.

“You’re driving me crazy,” Lexa finally said, moving forward again.

“In a good way right?” Clarke spoke against her lips.

“Oh, in the best possible way.”

Lexa could feel Clarke’s smile as she kissed her again and she marvelled at how good it tasted. Like being young, safe, and warm. Unfortunately, reality had to come crashing back in some time. Finn’s shouts roused them from downstairs.

“Mommy, Lexa, come ooooon!”

They pulled out of the kiss, eyes searching each other’s.

“To be continued?” Clarke said, a dazed expression on her face.

“You can count on it.”

 

*

 

The first photo of Clarke, Lexa, and Finn together was taken that night by a smiling Octavia, Raven standing next to her looking proud. Clarke and Lexa were side by side with Finn in front of them pulling his best scary face but the two women failed in their duty to act like proper park rangers. Instead they stood beaming together hand in hand, cheeks slightly flushed. 

It was only the first photo of the three of them, an insurmountable number still to come over the years, but it would forever be one of Lexa’s favourites. It was the first one of their family, after all.

 

*

 

The following few weeks were some of the giddiest in Lexa’s life. They were filled with longing glances across the classroom when Clarke made her daily trips, stolen kisses in those rare moments when they were alone, and a deep seated calm in Lexa’s heart that she hadn’t even known she could even feel. Occasionally it would occur to her how well she was doing with being so open with another person and while she was a little proud, she also really tried not to think about it. She didn’t want to mess it all up with the self-doubt that liked to niggle at the back of her mind in her darkest moments.

On a brisk Saturday morning towards the end of November, Clarke and Lexa had decided to go for a walk with little Finn to get them all out of the house. The trees were almost completely bare now and the path in the park they were strolling through was coated with the remains of the autumn leaves. The sun hung low in the sky and it seemed to make Clarke shine, her hair glistening, and her eyes bluer than ever.

Lexa had always loved winter and she could feel it in the air, a calmness descending over her as her breath plumed around her and the cold pinched at her cheeks. Enjoying winter with Clarke by her side was even better than she could have imagined. As it turned out, Clarke was not a fan herself.

“It’s cold!” Clarke had whined almost as soon as they’d left the house.

“It’s November,” Lexa stated.

Finn was adorable all bundled up in his woollen dinosaur hat that Lexa had bought him the week before, his big puffy coat and scarf, and his thick gloves. He walked happily between them the whole way to the park and then as the big expanse opened up before them he went running off in his own imaginary world. Clarke’s arm came to link through Lexa’s and she pulled her in close as they walked down the path.

“I miss summer,” Clarke said, shivering.

“I don’t,” Lexa said. She was enjoying having Clarke so close and she was already thinking about the next time she could get her alone.

“You _like_ winter?”

“I do, I like being able to wear lots of layers and staying inside with the heat high and watching the snow when it eventually comes.”

“No, see, I much prefer summer.”

“But if you’re hot there are only so many articles of clothing you can take off before you run out. When you’re cold you’ve got sweaters and thick socks, blankets and duvets.”

“I’m happier wearing hardly any clothes than lots of layers though. I prefer my body to be more free.”

Lexa turned to look at Clarke, taking in the way her lips quirked in a devilish grin. She knew exactly what she was doing to Lexa and Lexa felt herself blush at the thought of hot bare skin draped against her own. It certainly gave her a reason to look forward to summer.

“I… Uh… Well, I guess that doesn’t sound so bad,” she stammered out, feeling more than a little flustered.

Clarke laughed nudging her hip against Lexa.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Lexa was determined to gain the upper hand and she also really needed to quell her thoughts, they were rather distracting. She could turn this conversation more innocent, it was probably safer that way.

“But see, the good thing about winter is that if you’re cold, snuggling is definitely the best way to warm up.”

“Snuggling, huh?” Clarke’s smile softened and Lexa could see that her words were having the desired effect. Now was not the time for seducing, not quite yet. 

“Yeah,” Lexa said, nodding.

“I never thought of you as a snuggler.”

“I’d say there’s still a lot you don’t know about me.”

“I think you may be right. Can I count on you to be my snuggle buddy this winter? Keep the mean cold at bay for me?”

As innocent as that sounded, Lexa’s mind was off again and she pulled in a breath. Lexa was _so_ gay and so _unbelievably_ attracted to Clarke, it was quite ridiculous. She smiled, feeling warm at the thought of a winter full of snuggling Clarke and all of the beautiful things that could lead to. 

Clarke pulled her in closer, shivering against her. It was hard to believe that Clarke could actually feel the cold right now, Lexa always seemed to feel a few degrees warmer with Clarke in her proximity.

“I’m in.”

Clarke’s lips came to press against Lexa’s cheek and lingered for a moment, hot breath against her skin. Lexa closed her eyes briefly at the feeling. There was a _want_ between the two of them, that was for sure.

“I’m going to miss you over Thanksgiving,” Clarke said, a longing sigh in her voice as she pulled back and looked ahead of her.

“It’s only a few days, Clarke.”

“Does that mean you’re not going to miss me?”

Clarke was pouting adorably and it made Lexa’s heart thrum inside her.

“I’m going to miss you like crazy, are you kidding me? I’d rather be here.”

“Then stay.”

“I can’t, Anya and I already promised we’d go back to California to spend it with her parents.”

“OK… How about Christmas?”

“What about Christmas?”

“How would you feel about spending it with us? I was talking to Raven and Octavia about it the other day and we thought we’d expand our little family this year. Normally I go to my mom’s with little Finn but we thought it’d be nice to host our own Christmas for a change. I suggested that we invite you, Anya, and maybe even Lincoln if Octavia decides she’s serious enough about him.”

“You’re… So you’re serious enough about me to want me over for Christmas?”

“I mean, yeah. I’m happy with the way things are going and we’ve been friends for a while anyway. Plus, we all get on so well. Unless… Do you already have plans?”

“No, no plans.” Lexa shook her head, biting at her lip. This was unfamiliar territory and she needed to tread carefully. “Normally I just spend it with Anya, either in one of our apartments or occasionally at her parents. But seeing as though we’re over there for Thanksgiving we thought we’d stay home this year.”

“If you prefer a smaller Christmas then that’s OK, you don’t have to feel obliged to come.”

Lexa couldn’t quite believe that Clarke was inviting her over for such a family-centric holiday. She wasn’t really sure what to feel. All of the levity from their flirty conversation before seemed to have gone and a weight settled right into Lexa’s bones.

“I’ll talk to Anya about it.”

“That’s all I ask. Just know that we’d all be happy to have you.”

“OK.”

Lexa sought Finn out, trying to distract from her slightly confused thoughts. She watched him running around with a grin on his face and she felt a little calmer. To both hers and Clarke’s relief, he hadn’t pressed the matter of the two of them dating any further and so far they had done well to keep their affection to a minimum with him around. A few minutes of slightly uncomfortable silence later, Finn came running over to them.

“Mommy, Lexa, there’s a cool dog over there, look!”

Lexa’s eyes followed his emphatic pointing and saw a middle aged woman with a greying bob walking a German Shepherd in the distance.

“Oh yeah,” Clarke said, smiling at her son’s excitement.

“Can I go and pet him?”

“I don’t know, buddy. You can’t just go and pet dogs in case they’re not friendly.”

“Can we ask the lady? He looks so big and fluffy, I wanna go and say hi!”

Lexa watched as Clarke smiled that special soft smile that she saved just for Finn. That smile always made Lexa feel content in a way she never had before and she wasn’t quite sure what it was. She was already recovering from her conversation with Clarke, lulled by the familiarity of spending time with the two of them. Maybe it would be OK to spend Christmas with them, it didn’t have to be a big deal.

“Alright, I guess we could go and ask.”

“Yay!” Finn cried out, grabbing Clarke’s free hand and pulling her along, which consequently pulled Lexa along as they were still linked by the arms. It was awkward and so they ended up parting but as they went, Clarke’s gloved hand came to grasp Lexa’s and Lexa smiled.

“Hello,” Finn said brightly when they reached the woman.

“Oh hello!” The woman said, smiling as she looked at the three of them. Her eyes lingered on Clarke and Lexa’s linked hands and Lexa tightened her grip, determined she wasn’t going to be put off by the curiosity of a stranger.

“What’s your dog’s name?” Finn asked with his characteristic bold curiosity.

“This is Maximus.” The dog’s attention was captured by his name and he looked up at his owner before checking out the newcomers.

“Can I pet him? My mommy said I have to ask before I can pet a dog when we’re out.”

“Of course you can, he’s very friendly.” She looked up to Clarke and Lexa. “He really is.”

They both nodded at her and smiled as Finn reached his hand out towards Maximus. The dog was almost as tall as him but, in true Finn fashion, he was not perturbed in the slightest. The dog nudged at his hand, making him giggle. He scratched behind the dog’s ears, making him groan happily.

“Can we get a dog?” Finn asked, still fussing the dog, his head turning to look at Clarke and Lexa.

“I thought you wanted a cat?” Lexa said, chuckling.

“Oh yeah… Well, can we get both?”

“Whoa little man, one pet at a time please,” Clarke said, laughing.

“But we have no pets right now!”

“And I’ve told you that we’ll think about it, OK?”

“OK,” Finn said, sighing. 

Maximus licked his face and he started giggling, stopping his pout before it could form properly. The woman watched the interaction between the three of them with a smile on her face and while the look that she had given them at first had worried Lexa, she was now starting to feel more at ease.

“You three make a beautiful family,” she said once Finn’s attention was turned back to her dog again.

Lexa’s heart leapt in her chest and her mind started to race. While Clarke’s invitation had merely rattled her, this woman’s assumption shattered the calm in her mind that had persisted for the last few weeks.

“Actually-” she began but Clarke cut her off, squeezing her hand.

“Thank you,” Clarke said, smiling. Lexa could only stare at Clarke, completely confused as to why she hadn’t corrected the woman.

“Is he your only child?”

“He is.”

“Well he’s lovely.”

“Thanks.”

“My daughter and her wife are expecting my first grandchild any day now,” the woman told them. “My daughter-in-law is huge and beautiful and I just can’t _wait_ to be a grammy!”

While Lexa was glad that their nice little walk hadn’t been ruined by a homophobic ass like she had been worried about a few minutes ago, she wasn’t sure that it still hadn’t been ruined anyway. Her grip on Clarke’s hand slackened as all of her energy was consumed by her rushing thoughts.

“Oh wow, that’s so exciting, congratulations!” Clarke said, the smile on her face genuine. Lexa tried to smile but she felt incredibly sick all of a sudden and she imagined it looked more like a grimace.

“Thank you. So, any plans for another one?” The woman asked, giving the two of them a knowing look even though clearly she had no idea what was going on at all.

Clarke looked over at Lexa, her amused expression dying as she caught sight of the look on Lexa’s face. She turned back to the woman and Lexa tried once again to compose herself.

“No, no plans yet. One is enough of a handful for now.”

The woman smiled and Clarke moved forward to catch Finn’s attention, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Come on, little Finn, time to say goodbye.”

“Bye Maximus,” he said, patting the dog on the head one last time. “Thank you for letting me pet your dog,” he said to the woman who smiled down at him. 

“You’re very welcome, you be a good boy for your moms now.”

Finn gave her a confused look before walking away. If Lexa had been feeling better, she would have probably laughed at him and told Clarke she was right, he really was just like a little cartoon sometimes. But such words were impossible now.

“Bye, thank you,” Clarke told the woman with a smile before tugging on Lexa’s hand and pulling her along after Finn.

“Lex? What’s wrong?”

A numbness was beginning to sink into Lexa’s extremities and she dug around in the mess of her mind, trying to find the right words.

“You didn’t have to agree with that.”

“With what?”

“When she said that we’re a family. We’re not.”

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was sad and she moved to stand in front of Lexa, blocking her way and making her stop. Lexa’s eyes sought out Finn and she saw that he had already gone off to run in the grass, completely oblivious. She wished that she was so lucky.

“What?” Lexa’s tone was harsher than she meant it and Clarke recoiled.

“Hey, look,” her hand came up to stroke at Lexa’s cheek but it made Lexa’s heart ache so she stepped back. Clarke brought her hand to her side with a frown. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just thought it would be easier to just go along with it than to explain what our situation really is. Besides, I know we haven’t exactly decided what we are to each other yet or labelled this thing between us but, regardless of all of that, you _are_ family, Lexa. You and Anya have been for a while now.”

_Family?_

“OK.”

Lexa stared off to the side of Clarke’s face a little, not feeling able to look at her properly. How was she supposed to explain the fact that everything she knew about her life had seemed to implode within the space of five minutes?

Clarke’s worried eyes flicked back and forth between Lexa’s as if she were trying to pull her gaze back. Eventually she gave up, sighing.

“Come on, let’s get home, it’s too cold.”

Again, Lexa had to disagree. Whereas before she was warm from all the things she was feeling for Clarke, now she couldn’t feel anything at all. A part of her had been waiting for everything to tumble down around her and she didn’t even have it in her to be sad that it had already happened.

 

*

 

Lexa barely slept that night and she was up before dawn, the endless tossing and turning only serving to make her more agitated. She couldn’t settle to anything in her apartment and so she decided to go out for a run. Physical exertion was one of the best ways for her to try to clear her mind of the mass of thoughts that she was often at war with and since she was nowhere near ready to have sex with Clarke (and Clarke was part of her current predicament) she had to go for her second choice of activity.

As her feet pounded against the pavement in a comforting rhythm and her lungs started to burn with the effort she was expending, she started to feel a little more stable. She could tell herself that her laboured breathing was solely caused by the running and the shaking was just because it was so cold outside. Her mind continued to run with thoughts though so she just ran faster, her legs going numb after a while. She could barely breathe by the time she reached a familiar place without having even realised that she had been heading to anywhere in particular. She let herself into the apartment building, she’d memorised the passkey ages ago, and made her way to Anya’s place on the third floor. She completely forgot that it was ludicrously early when she hammered on the door and she bent forward to rest her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

Anya’s hair was dishevelled and her face creased with tiredness when she opened the door. Her confused expression quickly shifted to worry when she saw Lexa bent over, struggling for breath.

“What the hell, Lex? Are you OK?”

“Can I come in? I think I might have overdone it a little.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Anya held out a hand as if she wanted to help Lexa in but Lexa ignored it and pushed past her, heading straight to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She stood and gulped it down and was refilling it by the time Anya came into the room. 

“So you’ve been stress-running? What happened?”

Lexa sipped at her second glass of water, her breathing still coming in short gasps.

“I don’t think I can do this, An.”

“Do what?” Anya stepped a little closer, her frown seeming to stem more from confusion than worry.

Lexa hesitated. She knew what she was about to say could shatter everything, could she do it? But she had to get it out, it was plaguing her mind, turning her thoughts toxic. She needed to say it.

“Be with Clarke.”

Anya’s face was consumed with shock.

“What?!”

“Oh come on, you know that relationships aren’t my thing. I’m just going to fuck it up with her at some point, isn’t it better that I do it now before she gets too invested?”

“Too invested?” Anya’s expression was turning more irritable by the second but there was a fire inside Lexa and she refused to back down. There was no turning back now.

“Yes, it’s only going to hurt her more in the long run.”

“Jesus, Lexa, you cannot be serious. That girl is _ridiculously_ invested in you, she has been for months. I could even see it in her eyes every time I mentioned you when I spent time with her over the summer. That was just after one date. You two finally sorted things out and properly started dating and now you’re going to bail? Even though you know what she’s been through?”

Lexa’s heart clenched but she persevered.

“It’s because of how much she’s been through that I’m going to end things with her.”

Was this really where she was going with all of this anxiety? She had been so busy panicking that she hadn’t even realised that she’d come to a decision at all. The thought of not being with Clarke made her sick but the more she thought about it, the more sense it made. Clarke would move on, she was resilient. Lexa wouldn’t but she didn’t deserve to.

“What happened? You’re spiralling, I can see it. What spooked you?”

“I just came to my senses, that’s all. Clarke deserves the world, I can’t give her that.”

“Clarke doesn’t want the world, she wants _you_. Little Finn wants his mom to be happy with _you_. Clarke was fine on her own until she met _you_. You changed everything, can’t you see that?”

“Well if she was fine on her own before, she’ll be fine again.”

Lexa put her empty glass down and walked away from Anya into the living room, throwing herself down on the couch. She was starting to feel angry and was wishing that she had never gone to Anya’s in the first place. She should have just gone straight to Clarke.

“No, Lex, she won’t,” Anya said as she came striding after her. She stood in the middle of the room, her arms folded, a no-nonsense stance setting her body. “She’s falling for you, you’re all she wants.”

“That doesn’t matter, I’m not good for her.”

“Of course it matters! And you’re falling for her too.”

“So?”

“So?! Are you kidding me? You’ve been in love once in your entire life and I know you never expected to be again. You can’t tell me that the fact that you’ve actually found someone you care about isn’t a big deal! It’s been eight years of hiding from your true self, you must be tired by now.”

“You don’t know that I’ve been hiding. Maybe this is me: cold and detached. Work-focused. Lone wolf.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I know the real you, Lex. You have never been as happy as you were when you were with Costia and since you met Clarke, I’ve seen that happy Lexa again and she’s incredible. Didn’t it feel good to open up again?”

“No, it was terrifying.”

“But good, though, it must have been nice to let go a little.”

“Maybe a little bit,” Lexa relented before reigning her feelings back in again and hardening. “But I can’t open myself up to that kind of pain again.”

“Aha, now I think we’re getting somewhere.”

“There’s nowhere to get, you can’t change my mind on this.”

“Of course I can, you’re having a freak out and that’s OK. You’re falling in love with Clarke and you’re scared.”

“Love is weakness, I’m not making that mistake again.”

“Don’t start that again.”

“It’s true.”

“No it isn’t! What the hell brought all this on? I saw you two together two days ago and you were literally the most disgustingly mushy creatures on the entire face of the earth. How have you done a complete one-eighty in so little time?”

“I…”

“Lexa, what happened?”

Lexa sighed.

“This woman at the park thought that Clarke, Finn, and I were a family. That I was Finn’s mom too.”

“Oh.” 

Anya’s demeanour softened and her lips turned down, her jaw unclenching. She looked sad and there was pity in her eyes. It made Lexa shrink into herself. She brought her knees up to her chest and held them tightly against herself, ignoring the fact that she still had shoes on and Anya’s couch was cream-coloured. Anya was too distracted to notice.

“Clarke didn’t deny it. She let the woman believe it and then when I told her she shouldn’t have, she said it didn’t matter, that I was part of the family anyway.”

“Sweetie, that’s a really good thing.”

“No it’s not.” Lexa could feel the tears clawing at the back of her throat but she pushed her emotions down. “Families hurt you, they get disappointed in you. They let you down.”

“Not everyone is like your parents.”

“They could be. I’ve just never let anyone know me well enough to be disappointed in me since them.”

“You let me and Costia in.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“You’ve never done anything that hasn’t been your choice since you left your family. You’ve always been determined to be your own person but now it’s to your detriment. You’re isolating yourself and it’s stopping you being who you are. I’ve seen you in love, I’ve seen you with the kids you teach, I’ve been your best friend for over half of your life. You have possibly the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. You’ve just been hurt so much that you try to hide it.”

“That’s not true.”

Lexa’s defiant tone faltered. She could deny it all she liked but the sinking feeling she had inside was a clear indication that at least a part of her knew that Anya was right. Anya sighed and moved forward to sit next to Lexa. She angled her body to face her but Lexa continued to stare straight ahead, a part of her still stubbornly refusing to cave.

“Do you want to know why I set you up with Clarke in the first place? I’m surprised I never got a lecture from you about arranging a blind date with a woman with a kid but neglecting to mention the kid. The fact that I heard no complaints was reason enough to make me believe that I had done the right thing.”

“Fine.” There was no longer a burning in Lexa’s chest from the running but her heart was still racing, her breathing laboured. It was just the anxiety powering her now.

“I hadn’t met Clarke when I set the two of you up but I heard all about her, I saw the way Raven loves and admires her. I saw how family-orientated Raven was and I wanted someone like that for you too. So I set up the date and once I met Clarke for myself, I knew I had made a good choice. She’s a lot like you, Lex, she’s stubborn and fierce in her beliefs but she’s also soft and caring and one of the nicest people that I’ve ever met. She’s just like you except that she doesn’t hide behind her past. She doesn’t let it define her. She’s been hurt beyond belief, just like you, but she hasn’t let it dull her brightness. She shines and I know you see that. You used to shine like that too but losing Costia? You shut your light off completely. And I get it, I do. You know I struggled losing her too. But since you met Clarke, I’ve seen this little glow beneath your surface when she’s around. She’s been opening you up again and I understand that it terrifies you. But you deserve more than to go back to the darkness again. 

“I kept pestering you to see her again because she gave me the perfect opportunity to show you how someone from so much darkness could keep themselves in the light. She was a miraculous example of someone from a broken home building herself a new family. Raven and Octavia too. You know Raven’s mom practically abandoned her and Octavia’s was too busy trying to scrape by with three jobs to pay any real attention to her kids. The three of them banded together to raise little Finn in the wake of the death of one of their best friends, the death of the man Clarke loved. That kid is the product of so much love but it wasn’t blood bonds that raised him, it was the family that his mom created for him. I wanted you to see that family doesn’t have to be blood, that you can make your own family. You already have me, even though you keep insisting that you’re alone and you have no family. Costia and I were your family and then I was your family. But we have the opportunity to build ourselves a new family now, a bigger, fuller one.”

Anya reached out to tuck some of the wisps of hair that had come out of Lexa’s ponytail back behind her ear. She let out a disbelieving laugh.

“I understand how you feel more than you realise. Don’t you think I’m scared at how much I like Raven, too? How I know I could fuck it all up and get myself thrown out of this amazing family I feel so lucky to be a part of? Isn’t that what’s really bothering you?”

Lexa had been staring at a snag in Anya’s carpet resolutely for the whole of Anya’s speech but she could no longer see it, her eyes having completely clouded over with tears. She felt Anya’s hand come to rest on her back and a choked sob escaped her.

“Can’t we just be friends so I can keep them all? I don’t know if I can do the relationship thing, what if I fuck it all up and I’m on my own again? I’ve seen family and I don’t think I can go back, An. What if I lose it all?”

She pulled her lips back into her mouth, horrified that her words had slipped free. She blinked hard and the tears in her eyes overflowed and trickled down her cheeks. She brushed at them impatiently and turned to look at Anya who gave her a sympathetic smile. She was surprised to see that Anya’s eyes were welling up too.

“Do you really think that you and Clarke can just be friends?”

“We could try!” She was feeling desperate now and she knew Anya could see that she was frantically trying to clutch at straws. “At least I know I can do friends.”

“But don’t you want to be more?”

Lexa sighed, loosening her grip on her knees.

“Of course I do, being with Clarke is the only thing that has made me feel alive in _years_. But I’d rather be her friend than not have her at all.”

“Have you even entertained the idea that things could work out with you and Clarke, that you could have it all?”

Lexa scoffed.

“It’s not in the cards for me, I’m not that lucky.”

“We make our own luck in this world, Lex, you know that. There is no fate or destiny, our life is what we make it. You’re alone because you chose to be, not because no one could ever love you. You’re more loved than you know. If you want something, you need to go for it. You don’t want to fuck it up? Then don’t! Try hard, love the crap out of Clarke and that little boy, make them your family. Fight for them, fight for yourself. You’ve been doing fine in life, sure, but you’re not living. You’re just surviving. Don’t you want to live? Experience all that you can? Don’t you think that’s what Costia would want for you? She wouldn’t want her death to be the reason that you couldn’t love again. That girl would have done anything for you, she’d hate to be the reason for your loneliness, you know that. And don’t let your parents take this away from you, they’ve done enough damage already.”

Anya had a point, if she let her parents get in her way of true happiness, they were winning. She had fought against letting that happen for so long but she had been playing into their hands all this time. And as for Costia… 

“I hate you,” Lexa said weakly, another sob escaping her.

“No, you don’t. You love me.”

“You’re an ass but yes, I love you.”

“Good. And you’re not going to end things with Clarke.”

“I’m not?”

“No, you’re not. You’re going to go and talk to her about all of this. You’re going to tell her you’re scared and she’s going to understand because I bet that she is too. You two are going to take it slow but you’re family now, we’re all family, and families stick together. _Real_ families, your parents don’t count. They set you up with a bad example, people have more to offer than that and we’re all going to make sure you believe that.”

“I didn’t come here looking for you to talk me out of this.”

“Of course you did. When the darkness takes over, you’ve always relied on me to be voice of reason, you know that.”

Lexa did know that but she’d spent so long telling herself that she didn’t need anyone she’d failed to notice how much she’d been leaning on Anya over the years. Maybe she did need people after all and maybe that was OK.

 

*

 

Lexa woke up confused, she couldn’t remember falling asleep. From the way the sun was streaming fiercely through Anya’s living room window and the dull ache in her joints caused by being balled up in the foetal position, she could tell she had been asleep for a while. There was a blanket draped over her and she figured Anya must have tucked her up at some point. The apartment was quiet, Anya must have gone out. 

Lexa noticed her phone on the table by the couch and grabbed it. There was a message from Anya.

_Stay for as long as you like but when you’re ready, you really should go and talk to Clarke. Don’t do anything rash, just talk. Communication is important. Obviously it’s your choice but if you want my opinion, here it is: you and Clarke belong together. Take care of yourself kid, you deserve more than you realise._

Lexa had felt better when she first woke up but now nerves began to clench in her gut. Thinking about Clarke gave her a little thrill like it always did, despite everything she still really enjoyed her company, but she had no idea what she would say to her. Anya was right though, Clarke deserved the truth, whatever that may be. Lexa needed to lay herself bare for Clarke to fully see, if she really did want to be with her it was important that she knew what she was getting into.

 

*

 

It seemed a little odd to Lexa that she hadn’t heard from Clarke all day but she figured she was just busy. Either that or she was giving her some space, Clarke had definitely noticed her little freak out in the park and she _had_ bailed pretty quickly after that. Clarke was a bright woman and she also knew a little about Lexa’s reservations, it wouldn’t be surprising if she had worked some things out for herself.

Lexa decided just to show up at Clarke’s unannounced that evening when she knew that Finn would be asleep, she had no idea what to say to her to forewarn her of her arrival. The more she thought about what she was going to say the more stressed she became until her stomach was in knots and her hands were trembling again. She couldn’t carry on like this and that knowledge pushed her along, she _had_ to talk to Clarke about it.

Despite all of the anxiety that had built within her over the last two days, a wave of calm instantly washed over her when Clarke opened her front door. Clarke had told Lexa that she was an angel twice since they’d met but Lexa knew in that moment that it was Clarke who was the angel. The light from inside the house seemed to create a halo around her and her beauty was ethereal, her blonde curls effortless and glistening in the artificial light. Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her and that turned the slightly surprised look on Clarke’s face into a smile too. It made her even more beautiful.

“I wondered when I’d be hearing from you,” she said, leaning against the door frame. Her expression was light but Lexa knew her well enough to see the soft undertones of worry at the edges of her levity.

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK, I figured you could use some time.”

“You were right and thank you for that. I’m going to try to explain myself though, if you’ll let me.”

“Of course, I want to understand. I mean, I think I do a little already but I want to hear it from you.”

Lexa nodded, still a little nervous, but things were going well so far. Words were coming out of her mouth and she thought she sounded coherent, it was more than she had expected.

“Can I hug you?” Clarke asked, looking as if she were trying to hold back her hope. Lexa softened, Clarke was so considerate but she also understood that she had probably upset her a little. She could see Clarke’s need for comfort in the way her body seemed to droop.

“Please,” Lexa said, and they stepped towards each other at the same time, their arms wrapping around each other as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Submerged in the comfort of Clarke’s embrace, it was hard to believe how close Lexa had come to cutting herself off completely. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so safe and she held Clarke tighter, burrowing her head into the crook of her neck, her hair tickling her nose.

“Hey, it’s OK, you’re safe,” Clarke cooed, obviously sensing Lexa’s desperation.

“I know,” Lexa breathed out, the truth in Clarke’s statement soothing her.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.”

Clarke pulled out of Lexa’s grip and tangled their fingers together, gently pulling her over the threshold. They went and sat on a bench in the backyard away from the prying ears of their friends. Lexa found the night air to be calming, the sky was clear and the constellations shone brightly above them. Clarke bundled herself up in a blanket to bolster against the cold but she didn’t complain. Lexa was grateful, she sensed that Clarke just wanted to make her as comfortable as possible.

They sat there for a few minutes, a little space separating them. Lexa was unsure of how to begin and eventually Clarke saved her the trouble.

“It was that woman at the park, wasn’t it?” She asked, her voice soft.

Lexa turned to look at her, amazed to see her face almost glowing in the silver of the moonlight. She nodded.

“And because I said that you were a part of the family.” Lexa nodded again. “I’m sorry, it was too soon, I know it was. It’s just that when I like someone, I go all in so fast and I don’t really think about how the other person will react to my rather imposing presence.”

“It wasn’t too soon at all, it’s just…” Lexa hesitated, folding her hands neatly in her lap. “It made me realise that I _am_ a part of your family. But family? Family has never been a very good thing for me. I told you what mine were like.”

“We’re not like that, though.”

“I know.” Lexa offered a small smile. “It doesn’t mean that I’m not just waiting for the day that I disappoint you.”

“I can’t imagine you ever disappointing me.”

“But what if I fuck things up between us? I want to be with you so badly but if we go down that road I won’t just lose you if I mess things up, I’ll lose an entire family. I don’t ever want to hurt you or Finn so much that I can’t be around anymore. If we just stayed friends then I couldn’t ruin it quite as much. Wouldn’t it be better not to risk it?”

“No,” Clarke said, shaking her head. “Have we ever really been just friends? Do you think we could ever move on from each other if we tried? Because having you in my life for the last few months and _not_ being with you has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And I wasn’t even ready before but it was still so hard. But now? I want you, Lexa, I’m always going to want you.”

Lexa’s heart ached in her chest, a kind of longing seizing her. Could she try to put her past behind her once and for all? She’d always been so careful in her life and rarely was she impulsive or daring but now she was actually considering opening up to the one thing that she knew could destroy her. She’d never come back from losing Clarke, she knew that.

Lexa sighed, looking into those soulful eyes that were usually so blue but now just glittered in the moon’s stolen light. She didn’t have a choice when it came to falling in love with Clarke, it was happening whether they were together or not.

“I’m not going to rush you,” Clarke continue, “god knows I’m not ready to hurry straight into this either. And if it’s too much for you, if you really do just want to be friends, I’m not going anywhere.”

Lexa pulled in a shaky breath, completely mesmerised by the fact that Clarke looked so calm, that she had stuck with her even though it was going to be difficult for them both. She nodded, tears pricking at the backs of her eyes.

“I want you, Clarke, I can’t even tell you how much I… But I’m _scared_.” Her voice cracked and Clarke’s hand came up to stroke at her cheek, a gentle smile on her lips.

“I know, me too. But the good kind of scared, like when you’re queueing up for a rollercoaster.”

“I don’t like rollercoasters, I hate losing control.”

“OK, bad example but you know what I mean.”

“I do.”

“And we can take this as slow as you want. No labels, no pressure, and no one else has to know, not until you’re ready. All I want is you. If anyone understands how precious every day is as much as I do, it’s you. And as for losing control, sometimes it’s a good thing.” She gave Lexa a wink and she couldn’t help but smile at her, relieved to have a little levity in the conversation.

Lexa hesitated, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Are you sure you want to be with me?”

“Lexa, I’m already yours.” Clarke’s smile was resplendent and her words made Lexa’s heart clench.

“I don’t feel comfortable owning you, Clarke. You are your own person.”

Clarke laughed.

“That was possibly the most honest and romantic thing I’ve said to you to date and you’re going to ruin it?”

Lexa gave her a sheepish smile.

“Sorry.”

“What if I tell you that my heart is yours?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s yours, you need it.”

“That it’s beating your name?”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“I’m serious! Come here.” 

Clarke beckoned Lexa in to lean against her chest and Lexa rolled her eyes but complied. Clarke’s heart was certainly much calmer than her own but as Clarke’s arm came to wrap around her shoulders, she could feel hers slowing.

“You hear that? Lex-a, Lex-a, Lex-a. See?”

Lexa slapped at Clarke’s stomach and pulled herself up to look at her.

“Utterly ridiculous,” she chided, unable to keep the grin off her lips at Clarke’s laughter.

“You love it.”

“I do,” Lexa said, the moment shifting as gravity seemed to pull harder at them. It was that word. Four little letters, though not quite in the right context, but it was still so powerful. She knew the meaning of that word was already trying to take over her system and she thought perhaps she didn’t have it in her to fight anymore. Their eyes were locked and Clarke’s hand came to rest on Lexa’s thigh.

“So, we’re really going to do this?” Clarke asked, her tone tentative, her demeanour turning shy. Lexa’s heart began to beat ridiculously hard inside her. She took a deep breath, making her decision. 

It was time to finally let go.

“Yes, we’re going to do this,” Lexa agreed, a weight lifting from her chest as the most wondrous smile bloomed on Clarke’s face. She had made the right move, she knew she had.

“Can I kiss you now?”

Lexa answered by pressing her lips to Clarke’s, such a welcome warmth on a cold night. Clarke’s hands came up to cup her cheeks and Lexa sighed.

Clarke’s touch wasn’t magic, this wasn’t some cheesy romance novel. Lexa was a practical woman and she didn’t expect such miracles. Her touch didn’t breathe life into her, it couldn’t save her from herself. But it was a foothold. It was the start of a long climb out of the black abyss she had been lost in for so long and she knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. She knew she had to save herself but it helped that she had Clarke waiting in the light for her, urging her to keep fighting, telling her that she could make her way out of the gloom. Clarke’s touch made her confident that all of the blood shed on the journey would be worth it when she was once more bathed in light, in Clarke’s light. 

And oh, how she _shone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for slowing them down again, I'm all about the slow burn I'm afraid ;) Big things are coming soon though, we're rapidly reaching the end of this story!


	10. I Want Something More, A Life Worth Fighting For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaa! The holiday period is upon Clarke and Lexa and it brings them a lot of new experiences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your hats, this chapter is going places! The fluff is definitely strong with this one.

So they took it slow. Or they tried, anyway.

Clarke was being entirely truthful when she said that she didn’t want to rush into anything but it seemed as if her heart hadn’t got the memo. She first realised how deep she was in with Lexa that day in the park. Something in her softened at the idea of her and Lexa as a family, that Finn could be _theirs_ , but all of that had come crashing down so quickly with the look on Lexa’s face. She couldn’t lie and say that it hadn’t crushed her a little. But she pulled herself back from that to see that it wasn’t disgust on Lexa’s face nor was it the face of someone that had got in over their head and wanted out. She could see the fear and the reticence but it didn’t take a genius to work out that Lexa was overwhelmed. Clarke had seen it before on the night of her birthday party and she resolved to help Lexa out as best she could.

As she pried back Lexa’s layers, she found herself opening up more too and Lexa was right, it _was_ kind of scary. Clarke hadn’t let herself feel anything more than friendship for anyone in such a long time but with Lexa it had been effortless right from the start. The feelings kept on coming and she realised that it wasn’t the feelings themselves that daunted her, it was their depth. The things she felt for Lexa, well, they were actually quite wonderful and she wouldn’t give them up for anything. She was powerless to resist Lexa’s pull and she definitely didn’t want to anyway.

After Thanksgiving break, Clarke started going into Lexa’s class a couple of times a week to help out with the art classes. Principal Kane had finally agreed to Lexa’s suggestion and Clarke was happy to get to spend more time with Lexa, all the while doing something she loved. The kids seemed to adore her and Finn swelled with pride when they were amazed by her drawings. Somehow, even when she thought she couldn’t possibly love him any more than she already did, she always found him pulling her to new heights. 

In class she would make her way around the room, talking to the children in turn about what they were creating and every so often she would look up, catching Lexa’s eyes on her. She thought it was helping spending time together in a neutral setting, where Lexa was able to keep a little distance from the emotions that Clarke could often see brewing beneath her surface. Clarke had never been an overly patient person but for Lexa she could wait.

She was pottering around the classroom with Lexa one afternoon after the final bell, tidying after a particularly enthusiastic painting session, when Murphy came in to collect James. He was the only other kid apart from Finn that was still left in the room and the two of them were washing their paint-covered hands at the sink in the corner, giggling and chatting away like the best friends that they had become. Clarke _may_ have been watching Lexa collecting up paintbrushes and there _may_ have been a soppy expression on her face when Murphy came up beside her. He startled her with a playful nudge on the arm and she gasped, putting her hand to her chest and frowning at him when he laughed. She slapped his arm.

“You scared me!”

Murphy was still laughing, his eyes flicking between Clarke and the oblivious Lexa.

“Somebody’s a little distracted today, huh?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Clarke said, leaning forward to straighten up the drying paintings on the table in front of her.

“Oh yeah, sure you don’t,” Murphy mocked. 

Clarke and Murphy had become quite familiar with each other since their sons became friends, she would even go as far as to say that they were friends too. He was surprisingly fun to talk to, he could take a joke (and could clearly make them too), and he had a surprising softness to him.

“Yup, not a clue.”

Murphy watched Clarke needlessly straighten some more and she was determined not to look at him.

“So how long have you and Miss Woods been dating?” While his tone was light, it made Clarke’s heart feel a little heavier and she finally relented, standing up straight and looking over at him.

“We’re not dating.”

“Clarke.”

“We’re not!”

“Hey, it’s OK, I can tell she means a lot to you.”

Clarke couldn’t help it, she glanced over at Lexa who just happened to look up at the same moment. Their eyes met and Lexa smiled. It was unreserved at first but then she noticed Murphy and got a little flustered, brushing awkwardly at a few loose strands of hair on her face before going back to her tidying. Clarke bit her lip as she watched her, trying to pull her grin back a little.

“It’s early days,” Clarke said quietly, her gaze finally turning back to Murphy. He was smiling softly at her and it made her feel a little better.

“I knew it!”

“Are we that obvious?”

“A little. I mean, I’m sure most of the parents are completely closed-minded about it, you know how straight people can be.” Clarke raised her eyebrows at him but let him continue. “Anyway, I know you’re bisexual, I’m pretty sure our entire high school did, so it makes me look a little closer. Plus, Finn and James talk about everything, James says that Miss Woods spends a lot of time with you guys.”

Clarke laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Kids and their big mouths.”

“It was all innocent, don’t worry. I don’t think James thinks you’re together.”

“Are you sure? Because Finn has been on to us for the longest time, before we even really figured anything out.”

“Of course he has, your boy is a smart one.”

“So everyone keeps telling me.”

Clarke was still feeling a little uncomfortable and she could see that Murphy could tell.

“Miss Woods seems really great,” he told her, that smile still trying to calm her, “James loves her, all the kids seem to. So if it means anything at all I just want to say that I approve. You seemed…” Murphy hesitated as his eyes flicked between Clarke’s. “You seemed really sad when I first saw you here at school, when I brought up Finn, you know? But you seem better now, I think she’s good for you. You deserve to be happy, Clarke. No one should have had to go through what you did, especially not so young.”

Clarke was genuinely touched and she could feel her throat thickening. She gave Murphy a little smile, breathing in deeper to steady herself.

“I never knew you were so in touch with your emotions,” she teased, trying to lighten the conversation again. She gave him a playful shove and he shrugged, brushing his hair back off his face.

“There were many reasons I never fit in at school and that was one of them.”

Clarke nodded, silence hanging around them for a moment.

“Well, it means a lot, what you said,” Clarke said, her words careful.

“No problem.”

Murphy placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder for a second and gave it a squeeze. When he let go, they both turned to their sons, similar smiles on their faces as they watched them happily talking to each other. If you’d have asked teenage Clarke if there was any way she’d be friends with John Murphy she’d have given a resounding ‘no’, and probably an eye roll too, but she found herself surprisingly glad that things had works out this way. She was definitely enjoying the unexpected turns her life was taking these days.

She noticed Lexa watching them watch the boys and she softened even further into the moment. While she wished things were a little easier for Lexa, that she didn’t have so much difficulty in her past to battle with, she wouldn’t change her for the world. She knew Lexa wouldn’t be the woman she cared for if she hadn’t been through all that she had.

While they had taken a small step back, they did so with the intention of one day taking things further and that was enough for the two of them for now. They still hung out most evenings and weekends, though they decided to spend nights apart. Clarke loved sleeping with Lexa but they were trying to go slowly after all. 

When Clarke considered how long it had actually been since they became friends, she realised that they were actually moving pretty fast in the grand scheme of things. Her heart’s pace was definitely much quicker though and she figured this was good middle ground. She knew it was alright when Lexa began to relax again, the cracks in her vulnerability healing with a little time and understanding. Slowly she seemed to realise that Clarke wasn’t going anywhere and Clarke was relieved.

 

*

 

Despite Clarke’s dislike of winter, Christmas was one of her favourite times of the year. She loved all the pretty lights and the decorations, she loved the big tree in the corner of her living room, she loved the smell of mince pies wafting through her house as she and Finn prepared for the big day. 

Christmas Eve found them with a full house, all of them eager to start the holiday as soon as possible. Their home had become the central hub for all of their social activities lately and Octavia’s new boyfriend, now known exclusively as Lincoln instead of Hot Gym Guy, was settling in well to their little group. It may have been early days for all of the couples in the house but the six of them were becoming really good friends, even if Lincoln did get a little overwhelmed by all of the female energy sometimes. Finn adored Lincoln and was teaching him well how to deal with a house full of women. Occasionally the girls would get caught up in a conversation only to discover Lincoln had gone missing. They usually found him with Finn up in his room playing dinosaurs or dress-up, completely engrossed in an imaginary world.

Clarke and Lincoln often talked drawing techniques and art supplies, she had been quite excited to find out that he enjoyed art almost as much as she did. She wasn’t used to having artistic friends so it made a nice change. Lexa enjoyed talking about books with him, and Anya and Raven were won over when he took them out for rides on his motorcycle, prompting Anya to consider getting one for herself. Clarke laughed at Raven’s reaction to this announcement; she had flushed, sidling up to Anya and pressing her nose to her ear, whispering something to her. The way Anya’s lips lifted in a sly grin made Clarke sure that she didn’t want to know what Raven had said. As for Octavia herself, she was even softer than Clarke had ever seen her. Quicker with a smile and often found humming around the house, Octavia was clearly smitten. 

Clarke was incredibly happy to see her friends all getting along so well in their relationships and she felt that she and Lexa were getting there too. It was still tentative but she reckoned that was only because everything was so big. When Lexa looked into her eyes and she saw a future, it was a little daunting. It made everything they did much heavier, it all meant so much more, but it was exhilarating.

So Lexa, Anya, Lincoln, and Abby all stayed over with the resident awesome foursome on Christmas Eve and Clarke was full to bursting with love for them all, so grateful that they could all come together for the occasion. Because the house was so crammed with people, this was the first time that Clarke and Lexa broke their no-sleepover rule. All of the couples split off into their separate rooms late that evening, Abby going off to sleep in Finn’s bed. Finn was already asleep on a bed they made for him on the floor in his room, having insisted that his grandma should stay with him and not on the couch downstairs.

“Are you sure this is OK?” Clarke asked Lexa for what was probably the tenth time that evening. They were stood on opposite sides of Clarke’s bed, Lexa’s hands fiddling with the bottom of her shirt. She looked a little nervous but at Clarke’s question she smiled, giving her usual calm nod.

“Yes, Clarke, you can stop looking at me like I might break at any second. I’m feeling…” She hesitated as she pulled back the edge of the duvet and climbed onto the bed. “I’m OK with the fact that I’m feeling things, now. It was a freak out, that’s all.”

“I just know the holidays can be a lot of pressure sometimes.”

Clarke clambered in next to Lexa.

“They can but believe me, this will be much better than any of my family Christmases.”

Clarke hesitated, she knew Lexa’s family were a sore subject but she couldn’t help but be curious. She didn’t want to make Lexa uncomfortable when she finally seemed to be easing into the idea of a new family so she didn’t pry.

“Well, I’m glad.”

They settled down into the bed, Clarke pulling her knees up to her chest once she lay down, and they faced each other. There was a fair amount of space between them and Clarke wanted to move forward to close that gap but the soft way that Lexa blinked at her made her stay still. She could almost see her thinking, could see her conflict. 

_Patience._

That was what Clarke had to keep repeating to herself these days. Lexa would do what she was comfortable with in time. They had seemed to hit pause on their physical relationship while Lexa’s emotions settled but the way she looked at her made Clarke sure that she still very much liked her. It wasn’t easy for Lexa to forget all of the doubts that had surfaced in her panic, Clarke understood that. She had felt the same herself after her own freak out on their first date. She felt like she’d sorted out her own baggage pretty well with some time and understanding, Lexa deserved the same courtesy. 

“Christmas is usually just an excuse to eat junk food and laze around all day but it feels…” A little smile spread across Lexa’s face as she thought over her words. “It feels nice to have something more than that to look forward to.”

“You’ve been looking forward to it?”

“Of course. A whole day with all of my favourite people _and_ eating junk food, what could be better?”

“You’re right, that does sound pretty awesome. We’ve all been looking forward to it too. Little Finn was adamant that you had to stay over with everybody else, I’m really glad you decided to.”

“Me too.” Lexa hesitated and Clarke had to try to not melt completely when she reached out a hand to tuck a loose strand of Clarke’s hair behind her ear. “I’ve missed you,” she stuttered out as she pulled her hand back and tucked it into her chest.

“You see me pretty much every day.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do, I miss you too.”

Lexa nodded against her pillow, a little frown creasing the skin between her eyebrows.

“I’m sorry I slowed things down.”

“Don’t be, I’m happy with whatever pace you’re comfortable with. The important thing is that you’ve still wanted to spend time with me.”

“Feelings may be hard but not seeing you is much harder.”

Clarke tried to hold back her smile, tried to keep serious, but Lexa made her feel so many things that it was quite the challenge. Lexa was still frowning though, despite her reassurance, so Clarke chanced it. She reached out a tentative hand, one that Lexa watched with nervous eyes, and gently laid it on Lexa’s cheek. Lexa’s eyes closed and as Clarke stroked her palm against the soft, slightly flushed skin, that little crease in her forehead smoothed itself out. Lexa sighed and Clarke relaxed.

“You know, it was me who derailed us for a couple of months over the summer so you don’t have to feel bad. I completely understand your reticence,” Clarke explained, encouraged by the way that those gorgeous eyes held her gaze. “Can you imagine where we’d be if we hadn’t have waited so long in the first place?”

Lexa turned her head and pressed a kiss into Clarke’s palm. It sent tingles all the way up her arm.

“You needed that time just like I needed the time you have given me. I don’t think we’d have managed without it. It takes as long as it takes.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I usually am.”

Clarke gave a soft laugh and Lexa smiled, shifting a little closer. 

“You’re right about that too.”

Lexa watched Clarke’s hand as it left her cheek and came to rest on the mattress between them. The silence hung around them for a little while and Clarke couldn’t help but hope that Lexa would make some kind of move towards her.

She didn’t.

“We should probably get some sleep,” Clarke said with a sigh, “a very excited little boy is going to wake us up early tomorrow.”

Lexa nodded and Clarke swore there was restraint in her eyes, as if she were holding something back. Her frown had returned and Clarke was feeling a little awkward again. 

“I can sleep on the couch, if you like,” Clarke said.

“No, please stay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Clarke, I’m fine, honestly. It isn’t that I can’t handle you being here…” Lexa sighed, bit her lip, and pulled in a shaky breath. Clarke just watched, a little nervous. Something about Lexa was making her… What? She wasn’t sure but there was definitely some kind of tension lingering between them. Something had shifted and she wasn’t sure what.

“Fuck it,” Lexa said suddenly and she moved forward, lips first, almost crashing into Clarke. 

_Oh, that’s what._

Clarke’s heart raced, oh how it raced, and she kissed Lexa back, mirrored her ferocity for a second before her jumbled thoughts finally made some sense and she pulled back a little. Her hand was in Lexa’s hair and gripping onto the back of her head as she looked deep into heavy-lidded eyes.

“Are you OK?” She asked and her heart began to slow a little as Lexa smiled.

“I’ve been trying to hold myself back, get used to my feelings, but…” Lexa gave a disbelieving laugh and licked her lips. “I just feel so _much_ and it’s hard not being able to express it. I don’t remember having that problem before.”

“You’re not the only one that’s feeling a lot.”

“No?”

“God no, I’m completely OK with slow for your sake but if you’re ready, like, really ready, we can pick up the pace any time.”

“Oh, I’m ready.”

“Prove it,” Clarke challenged, grinning, and Lexa’s gorgeous smile closed in on her once more.

 

*

 

Clarke had never been able to sleep on Christmas Eve when she was a kid, she was always too excited. Being an only child meant that she never had a sibling to sit up talking to and she got quite lonely all by herself in her room. Eventually, after a few hours of fitful sleep, she would get up and tiptoe into her parents’ room. Her dad, the lighter sleeper of the two, would always beckon her into bed with them and she’d finally manage to sleep, breathing in the comforting smell of home. She did this every year until her dad died. Once he was no longer there, it didn’t feel right. Besides, it wasn’t like she was excited for Christmas that year anyway, at the time she didn’t think she ever would be again.

Finn hadn’t really been old enough to feel the full force of the Christmas excitement yet, plus he was a really good sleeper, so Clarke always slept alone on Christmas Eve. But there she was, over a decade after her father died, and she finally had company. Lexa was curled around her, breathing softly into the back of her neck and Clarke was so _happy_. She was excited and she couldn’t sleep but this time she didn’t mind.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been laying there enjoying having Lexa’s arm around her middle, tracing a light finger over her skin every so often, when the bedroom door creaked open a little.

“Mommy?” Finn’s attempt at a whisper came flowing over to her.

“Little Finn, are you OK?” 

She could hear his tiny feet padding over to her on the carpet and could just about make out his figure moving across the room.

“I can’t sleep and Grandma didn’t wake up when I tried to tell her.”

“Yeah, your grandma is a very good sleeper, just like you.”

“I’m not sleeping good tonight.”

Clarke smiled into the darkness, she loved the imperfect grammar of young children, it never ceased to be adorable. 

“You wanna come in with me?”

“But you have Lexa.”

She hesitated a little, Finn was no stranger to seeing her in bed with other people but those people had always just been Raven and Octavia. It was different with Lexa and they both knew it. She had wanted to wait to talk to Finn about it until they had properly defined their relationship but if that didn’t happen soon, she’d have to talk to him about it anyway.

“That’s OK, I always want you kid, you know that. I’m sure Lexa won’t mind.”

“Lexa doesn’t mind,” a gruff voice said into Clarke’s neck and she smiled as Lexa’s hand moved and squeezed at her hip encouragingly.

“Hey, Lexa!” Finn said happily and suddenly Clarke wasn’t so worried anymore.

“Hey Finn, you coming to get some sleep? You’re going to need lots of energy for tomorrow to open all of those presents.”

Finn gave a big sigh and Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle at his flair for the dramatic. She could imagine the resigned expression that would be on his face, though the darkness robbed her of being able to see it.

“I know.”

Clarke pulled back the duvet and ushered Finn into the bed with her and he curled into her chest for a moment. She held him close, the feeling of having him in her arms when Lexa was pressed into her back a foreign, but extremely nice, one. She’d never experienced this before, the love of a partner (or soon to be love, let’s not jump the gun here) and the love of her son at the same time. She felt Lexa’s arm snake back around her and come to tickle Finn’s side and he giggled a little, snuggling his head further into Clarke’s chest. Lexa’s hand went back to Clarke’s hip as she placed a kiss to the base of her neck. 

“G’night Mommy, night Lexa, merry almost Christmas.”

“Night Finn,” they both replied at the same time and Clarke smiled at the way it sounded.

“Merry almost Christmas to you too,” Lexa said and Clarke swore she could hear the smile in her words.

Finn turned in Clarke’s arms to face the edge of the bed and she kissed the top of his head, tightening her grip around him. She felt Lexa’s nose trace up her neck before she kissed her again and Clarke couldn’t help but push back into her a little. Finn’s breathing evened out quickly, as did Lexa’s, but Clarke clung onto consciousness just a little longer to enjoy the feeling of warmth that surrounded her on all sides. She could smell Lexa’s perfume and Finn’s bubble bath and the sheets were clean and fresh and as all that blended together, Clarke found her new definition of home.

The faintest smile hung on her lips as she fell asleep.

 

*

 

The sun was only just rising when Finn managed to pull all of the adults out of their beds the next morning. He bounded down the stairs shouting his excitement for all to hear and Clarke found him a few minutes later sitting cross-legged in front of the large pile of presents under the tree in the living room, his little face lit up in awe.

Clarke passed out cups of coffee when everyone else joined them and she offered Lexa a blanket too. She was rewarded with a kiss on the cheek and Clarke tried her hardest not to blush when she saw Raven watching the two of them with a smile.

Sleepy Lexa sitting next to Clarke on the couch, glasses on, pyjamas a little creased, the blanket slung around her shoulders, was the quite the sight to behold. Lexa watched Finn opening his presents with bright eyes, smiling each time he smiled, stifling her yawns with the back of her hand. Occasionally she would lean into Clarke, winding their fingers together, her nose nuzzling into Clarke’s neck. 

Finn kept showing his presents off to everyone each time he opened a new one and he also handed out the odd present he found for other people in amongst the heap that was almost entirely for him, it seemed. He was especially thrilled by the dinosaur joke book that Lexa had got him and he leapt into her lap, throwing his arms around her as soon as he saw it. She smiled and hugged him back, her eyes finding Clarke’s over his shoulder.

“Wanna hear a joke?” Finn asked, looking around at his audience, for that’s what they had all become on that dim December morning. They all nodded and he beamed. He was still sat on Lexa’s lap but he had turned around to face everyone now. Lexa put her chin on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his middle as he opened the book. “What do you call a dinosaur that’s a noisy sleeper?” He paused, grinning as they all shrugged. “A bronto-snorus!”

Laughter filled the room and Clarke simply loved the proud smile on her son’s face and the way he giggled when Lexa kissed his cheek. She had a feeling that they’d be hearing a lot more jokes as the day went on and she was proven right when he launched straight into another one. She was impressed by how good his reading was already, he’d been able to read basic sentences when he started school, she had taught him herself, but he was getting so much better. His love for dinosaurs and all things prehistoric meant he was familiar with some quite impressive words already.

“What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus! Ooo, ooo, this is a funny one! What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!” Finn buried his face right into the book, chuckling to himself as he read more.

“Hey little man, you gonna save some of those for later and get back to the presents?”

His dark eyes peered over the top of his book at Clarke and they widened as they flicked back to the far side of the room.

“Oh yeah!” 

He jumped up off Lexa’s lap and ran over to where his eyes were now fixed, allowing Clarke to steal back Lexa’s attention. She shuffled closer, humming when Lexa put her arm around her and pulled her in close.

Clarke hadn’t known what to get Lexa for Christmas and she’d eventually given in, going to Lexa and just asking her what she wanted. Lexa had been relieved, she had been struggling for ideas too. That was how Lexa ended up opening a little parcel of books that Finn handed her and she smiled, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s cheek. Clarke felt a little disappointed that she hadn’t been able to get her something more imaginative and personal but Lexa seemed happy. However, Clarke was anxious to see Lexa open the present that Finn had got for her and when she recognised the messy wrapping as Finn approached them with it, her heartbeat sped up a little. She hoped that Lexa really was on her way to being OK with her emotions because otherwise this present might set her back again… But she couldn’t tell Finn that he couldn’t give it to her, that would have just been mean. He’d thought of it himself, he made it, and he even picked out the frame. 

Lexa was smiling as she unwrapped it, her hands seemingly a little unsteady as she struggled with the excess of tape that Finn had used (Clarke should have kept a closer eye on him when he was wrapping, really). As soon as Lexa’s eyes found the drawing that her hands uncovered, they widened as they took it in, the smile falling from her face. 

“Do you like it, Lexa?” Finn asked, his smile unshakeable.

Clarke watched as Lexa took in a deep breath, her fingers coming up to trace over the figures in the picture. In shaky letters at the top Finn had written ‘My Family’ and he had drawn all of the people in the room at that moment, all stood together in a line. Right at the centre was Finn with crazy brown hair and a bright green t-shirt, a wobbly red smile taking up half of his face. Clarke and Lexa were stood either side of him holding his hands, their hair a mess of scribbles and, if it were possible, the red lines of their mouths were even bigger than Finn’s as they smiled up and out of the frame. Clarke had spent a long time looking at that picture, thinking about how Lexa might react, and just as she was beginning to worry that it was too much Lexa finally looked up, beaming at Finn. Clarke was pretty sure it wasn’t just the fairy lights reflecting in Lexa’s eyes that were making them glisten so beautifully.

“I don’t just like it, I love it, Finn. Thank you so much.” She pulled him into a hug and every part of Clarke seemed to sink into the couch beneath her as she watched them together.

Family had never felt so good.

 

*

 

“You’d better not be letting Lexa do any chopping,” Abby said as she came into the kitchen later that day where Clarke and Lexa were making a start on the dinner. 

They had finally opened all of the presents and had forced Finn to go upstairs with them to get dressed before he could get too stuck into playing with his toys. Clarke had insisted they all wear Christmas sweaters and while Lexa had complained initially, Clarke had found her a bright red one with Grumpy Cat in a Santa hat on it and that, plus a sweet smile from Clarke, had finally made her relent. Clarke’s was less cool and more traditional, it was green with a smiling Rudolph on it. Abby was looking a little less garish in a black sweater with a snowman on the front. She was grinning at the two of them.

Clarke laughed and Lexa flushed, her stance stiffening.

“That was not my fault, I’m actually a really good cook and a meticulous chopper,” she said indignantly.

“So whose fault _was_ it that you gouged a hole in your palm then?” Abby teased.

“Clarke’s!” Lexa pointed her finger at Clarke who rolled her eyes at Lexa’s childish and accusatory tone. “She distracted me.”

Now it was Clarke’s turn to blush as her mom gave her an amused look.

“Oh did she now?”

Clarke may have been an adult and a mother herself but for some reason, her mom still managed to make her feel embarrassed like no other person could. She guessed you never really grew out of being mortified by your parents and if the smile on her mom’s face was anything to go by, she seemed to be enjoying that fact. She was obviously taking pleasure in teasing the two of them. A lot of people seemed to be these days…

“Only because she wouldn’t stop chopping and pay attention to me,” Clarke explained, pouting a little for Lexa’s benefit.

“Ah yes, that sounds like my Clarke,” Abby said, nodding.

“See?” Lexa raised an eyebrow at Clarke, challenging her, her cheeks still a little pink. 

“I didn’t hear you complaining,” Clarke said, nudging her with her hip. Lexa’s skin darkened, it was adorable and Clarke was feeling giddy, she couldn’t help turning to wrap her arms around Lexa. 

_Screw being embarrassed._

“OK, that’s my cue to leave,” Abby said, chuckling. Clarke looked up over Lexa’s shoulder at the sweet smile her mom was giving her as she left the room. While Abby may have enjoyed the teasing, Clarke could see that she was genuinely happy for the two of them and that meant the world to her. “No more distractions while you cook though, you two, otherwise I’ll send Octavia in here to sort you out.” Her tone was so mom-like that Clarke couldn’t help but roll her eyes again. Using Octavia as the threat was totally useless these days anyway, she was just as bad for getting distracted by her significant other as Clarke and Lexa were.

Lexa pulled out of Clarke’s grip and went back to her bag of potatoes once they were alone, she had been judging them all very closely to find the best ones. Clarke soon diverted her attention again by pressing a kiss to her cheek, eliciting a pretty sigh from that incredibly tempting mouth. Clarke grinned as she pulled away, watching Lexa’s eyes as they fluttered open and came to meet hers. She moved forward and captured Lexa’s lips with her own and Lexa’s arms wrapped around her in less than a second. Last night had definitely made them bolder.

“Clarke,” Lexa whispered as she pulled back a fraction. Clarke knew what she was thinking and she kissed her again, pulling on her bottom lip, tugging her hips until they were pressed as close as possible. “Everyone is in the next room.”

“So?”

“So we’re going to get caught.”

Clarke silenced her words with more kisses, pushing her against the counter and deepening the kiss, thrilled when Lexa gasped into her mouth.

“They all know about us, Lex.”

“That doesn’t mean I want them to see us making out.”

“We’re not going to get much of a chance to be alone today, do you want to waste the few minutes we _do_ have by talking?”

Lexa’s answer was another kiss, lips stretched into a grin that was soon stifled by the desire that was spreading between them. 

A cough roused them and they sprang apart, turning towards the noise. Clarke was a little relieved to find Raven and Anya grinning over at them and not her mother… Or her son, yikes, that would have been worse for sure.

“You two are gross,” Anya said, still smiling.

“Oh, you can talk. I’ve already walked in on you two making out twice today,” Clarke scoffed.

“I saw them another time too,” Lexa added, her hand threading into Clarke’s.

Anya shrugged, looking pleased.

“You guys have been giving each other heart eyes all morning, you definitely win the sickeningly cute couple award,” Raven told them.

“We have _not_ ,” Lexa protested.

Clarke squeezed her hand and gave her a smile.

“We kinda have, Lex.”

Lexa’s jaw dropped and she looked a little betrayed.

“It’s nice, Lexa, we’re just teasing. I’m glad you guys are doing well, you know, _finally_ ,” Anya said.

“You’re an ass,” Lexa huffed but her face was soft and Clarke could tell that she was actually kind of pleased.

“Love you too,” Anya said, walking over to them and ruffling Lexa’s hair. Lexa swiped at her, frowning. “Oi, we’ve come to help, be nice.”

“ _You_ be nice.”

“Now now children,” Raven said, laughing at the two of them. Clarke shook her head, enjoying watching the interaction.

They were all laughing when Finn came bursting into the room, his joke book in hand.

“What should you do if you find a blue dinosaur?” He said excitedly, shaking the book as he waited for their shrugs. “Cheer him up!” 

The way he started giggling had Clarke rushing over to him and scooping him up in her arms, whirling him around and kissing all over his face.

Laughter surrounded them and filled it Clarke up, right to the brim. Christmas was definitely her favourite time of the year.

 

*

 

Finn administered the ultimate test for Lexa almost a week later.

They spent the intervening time mostly just chilling out at Clarke’s place, Finn immersed in all of his new stuff and Clarke and Lexa immersed in each other. They sat around watching holiday movies, eating the remnants of junk food left over from Christmas, sometimes just the three of them and occasionally joined by their friends. As the week went on, Finn started to get sad that Hades couldn’t join in any of their fun, even though Lexa assured him that she gave him a lot of attention each night when she went home.

So New Year’s Eve had the three of them on Lexa’s couch for the evening instead, Hades curled up on Finn’s lap as they watched Disney movies. Finn was determined to stay awake until midnight and Clarke had agreed with his insistence, knowing full well that he wouldn’t manage it. Sure enough, he made it until a little after ten and his eyes began to droop, his head lolling onto Lexa’s arm. Lexa looked fondly down at him and smoothed a hand over his hair. Hades cracked a beady eye at her as if he were making sure that she was behaving with his human and she held his gaze firmly until that eye closed again. He really did seem to love Finn and Clarke thought perhaps they should get a cat after all… Or maybe they’d have Hades living with them one day if things went well with Lexa.

But she was getting ahead of herself.

She smiled over Finn at Lexa.

“I should put him to bed,” she said quietly. 

She didn’t want to have to worry about disturbing him for the rest of the evening and besides, she really wanted some time alone with Lexa. They may have spent almost all of the last week together but they never got than a few minutes for just the two of them. They had gone back to the no-sleepover rule after Christmas but late in the evening was the only time they had ever really been guaranteed more than a few minutes of peace together.

“That’s OK, I’ve got him,” Lexa said, gently nudging at Hades until he got up and stalked off into the kitchen, most likely to refuel. She scooted around a little and lifted Finn up easily, his eyes opening as his face came to rest on her shoulder.

Clarke watched Lexa tuck Finn into her bed from the doorway, leaning against the frame and feeling light with the gentle way that Lexa smoothed the duvet around him. He was looking up at her, his eyes heavy but engaged as she smiled down at him.

“Lexa?” He said, curiosity colouring his tone. Lexa sat down on the bed beside him, giving him her undivided attention. Clarke wasn’t sure Lexa even knew she was there she was so focused on Finn.

“You remember the lady in the park that day, the one that thought you were my mom too?”

Lexa nodded, a little frown stitching into her forehead while the rest of her face stayed soft.

“Yeah, I remember. I didn’t realise you noticed that.”

Clarke had noticed and she was surprised Finn hadn’t brought it up since.

“Yuhuh, I heard it and it made me think.”

“It did? About what?”

“About what it would be like if you were my mom.”

“And what do you think it would be like?”

Finn considered the question for a moment, his little forehead creasing up, his lips pursing.

“Happy. You make Mommy happy, you buy me cool things and take care of me which makes me happy. Also, if you were my mom, Hades would be my cat too.”

Lexa brushed her hand over Finn’s hair, smiling.

“I’m glad I make you happy.”

Finn nodded.

“I asked Santa for you to be my other mom, did it work? I was a really good boy all year, I _must_ have been on his nice list.”

Clarke froze as Lexa’s eyes came up to meet hers, apparently she had known that she was stood there after all. Clarke tried to smile encouragingly and Lexa bit at her lip, almost seeming as if she were holding back a smile. After what seemed like a really long time, Lexa broke their gaze and looked back down at Finn. His eyes had grown even heavier in the time that elapsed and Clarke could tell that he was about to drift off any second.

“Give it a little more time, kid, and we’ll see.”

“OK,” Finn said around a yawn. He seemed happy with that answer and Clarke was relieved. 

“Goodnight, little Finn,” Clarke called over to him. His eyes were closed now, the lines in his face smoothing out.

“Night Mommy, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Finn burrowed down into the bed and Lexa moved forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead before standing up. Just as she was about to walk over to the door, Finn spoke. Clarke had thought he was already asleep.

“I love you, Lexa.”

Lexa looked back down at the boy that seemed absolutely tiny all curled up in her big bed, Hades stretched out at the foot of it. Her hand came up to nervously flutter against her chest and her lips moved soundlessly. After a few seconds she breathed out and her uncertainty was taken over by something that Clarke recognised straight away.

“I love you too, Finn.” 

Her voice didn’t even waver.

Finn’s lips twitched at the corners as he nudged his head into the pillow a little before finally stilling. Clarke could see the moment that he fell asleep and her eyes flicked back up to the mystified Lexa. Finn certainly knew how to catch people off guard but Clarke could tell that his words hadn’t scared Lexa. It gave her so much hope that she didn’t know what to do with it. 

She walked out of the room, giving Lexa a minute to gather herself. By the time that she finally emerged into the living room, Clarke was back on the couch and feigning interest in the movie still playing on the TV. Lexa plonked herself down next to Clarke with uncharacteristic force, as if she had lost the composure she always seemed to hold herself with. She sat for a moment just shaking her head to herself.

“Did you hear that?” She finally asked, her voice quiet.

“I did.”

Clarke was already looking at Lexa but as she spoke, Lexa finally turned to look at her too, her eyes a spectacular forest of green.

“Finn loves me.”

Clarke smiled, the words nestling deep into her heart.

“He does.”

Lexa’s face was painted with wonder and that four letter word was pattering its way around Clarke’s entire system as she marvelled at what she had just witnessed.

_Of course he does, and he’s not the only one._

But she didn’t say that.

 

*

 

Lexa was on a high. She hadn’t known emotions could make her feel quite so _free_. She had always thought of them more as chains linking her to people that she couldn’t have in her life anymore. They linked her to Costia who was gone, they linked her to her parents who had neglected her. She still loved them despite the fact that it hurt and that had made her associate love with the feeling of being alone, of being trapped. But somehow she had found this little boy that brought her so much joy and he _loved_ her for exactly who she was. And, without even meaning to, she had begun to love him too.

_How miraculous._

As she let his words seep into her she turned her attention to Clarke and it all threatened to overwhelm her. This time it was different though, she wasn’t overwhelmed in the ‘oh my god I’m going to drown in these feelings’ kind of way, more in the ‘I need to get these feelings out because if I don’t I might explode and you’re really pretty and your son loves me and the way you’re looking at me makes me feel like you do too but is it too soon oh I don’t know just kiss me’ kind of way.

So she pulled Clarke into her by the arms, spelling out all the things she couldn’t yet say with tentative lips, an anxious tongue, and curious hands on burning skin. With Clarke lying on top of her she felt more grounded, safe but exhilarated as their shirts rode up just enough for the bare skin of their stomachs to brush. The air was heavy with the heat they were generating and Lexa kept her eyes open just a fraction as they kissed, enamoured by the way that Clarke was succumbing to her desire. 

For a time, anyway. As things grew more passionate Clarke pulled away, eyes moving unsteadily over Lexa’s face.

“Clarke?”

“Hm?”

“Are you OK?”

Lexa brushed a hand against Clarke’s cheek, pulling her attention to her, and Clarke smiled.

“I’m more than OK.”

Lexa took that as a sign to start kissing her again and she hummed as she dragged Clarke’s lips back to her own, revelling in the fact that they felt familiar now. Familiar but still immensely exciting. 

It wasn’t long before Clarke pulled back again though, cocking her head to the side with a frown.

“Clarke?”

“I thought I heard something.”

“It was probably just a neighbour.”

“But what if Finn gets up and sees us like this?”

“He won’t, you said he’s a good sleeper.”

“He is but what if he wakes up anyway?”

“There are two doors separating him from us, we’ll hear him coming.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, my bedroom door creaks, we’ll definitely hear him.”

“Even if we’re distracted?”

“Yes, you have a mom’s ears, you’re tuned to noise of your young, right?”

“I guess.”

“And besides, I have particularly good hearing. Anyway, it’s not like we were going to have sex on my couch with only a hallway and no locked doors separating us from Finn.”

Clarke eye’s widened.

“You see, I thought maybe a little levity would make you feel better but I guess not…” Lexa trailed off weakly.

“I want to though,” Clarke’s voice was little more than a whisper but it was enough to make Lexa’s mouth go dry, the tension coiled low in her stomach tightening even further.

“You want to have sex on my couch _right now_?!” She said, perplexed. She knew her jaw was hanging but she didn’t have it in her to keep the surprise off her face.

“No, not _right now_ ,” Clarke laughed, tapping on Lexa’s chin until she finally pulled her mouth shut. “I’m not ready, not yet. But my body doesn’t care what my brain is ready for.”

“Hey, I get it. We can slow things down a little if it’ll help?”

Clarke’s frown eased and she nodded. Lexa’s eyes flicked to Clarke’s lips and she couldn’t help but lick at her own, missing the contact already. Clarke sat up, effectively straddling Lexa, and ran a hand through her mussed up hair as she let out a long breath. Lexa allowed herself a second to enjoy having such a beautiful women towering over her before shifting awkwardly until she was sat up too, her back resting on the arm of the couch. Clarke had moved with her so she was still straddling Lexa’s lap and Lexa weaved her arms around her hips.

“Are you sure you’re OK?”

A gentle finger came out to trace the creases in Lexa’s forehead and Clarke gave her a sad little smile.

“It’s all just so intense.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No, I just need to get used to it again.”

Lexa traced patterns into Clarke’s back over her shirt with slow fingertips. The movement gradually relaxed Clarke’s posture and she leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together, her breathing still a little ragged. Her hands came to rest on Lexa’s shoulders as if she needed something to help keep her grounded and Lexa certainly understood that feeling. Clarke’s eyes fluttered closed but Lexa kept hers open, relieved as she watched the calm take over Clarke’s face.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Clarke pretty much whispered.

Lexa’s previously steady breathing caught just the tiniest bit in her throat. She shook her head and Clarke finally opened her eyes, a darkening night sky dappled with stars gazing back at her. She pulled back a little, disconnecting their foreheads so she could look at her better.

“No, Clarke, I don’t.”

“Me neither.”

Clarke played with the hair coming over one of Lexa’s shoulders, pulling at a particularly springy curl and watching it as it bounced back up when she let it go.

“Have you heard the theory about soulmates that says soulmates exist because we are all made of star dust? All of the atoms making up our bodies were created in the big bang, we were all stars once and soulmates are just those atoms that made up a star trying to get back together, they belong with each other and they fight to be reunited.”

Clarke’s gaze had wandered off and her face was soft. Lexa could tell that even if she didn’t believe in soulmates, she still liked the idea. The fact that Clarke had even brought it up meant something quite huge and Lexa was not oblivious to that fact. She searched that delicate face, smoothed a hand over a pale cheek as she considered her, trying to ignore the aching in her chest at the words that were forming but not quite ready to come yet.

“Clarke,” she said softly, pulling that oh so beautifully blue gaze back to her again.

“Yeah?”

“That sounds utterly ridiculous.”

Lexa was a little worried that Clarke would take her words the wrong way but she wanted to be nothing but honest with her. She kept everything but her words soft though, as a reassurance. She was greatly relieved when Clarke let out an almost musical laugh and pressed a kiss just above the neckline of her shirt, right on her collarbone.

“It _does_ sound ridiculous, doesn’t it?” She agreed as she moved back. “I’ve always kind of liked it though. It makes love sound all big and important, but it also means that you could have more than one soulmate, loads in fact. If you think about how many atoms make up a star… It’s a crazy amount, right? So you have lots of possible soulmates out there but it’s up to you who you love. It would also mean that Finn could have been my soulmate but so could…” Her finger came up to tap Lexa’s nose, her words a little shaky. “So could you.”

Lexa sucked in a breath at the way her chest tightened.

“You think I’m your soulmate?”

“I might think so if I believed in them,” Clarke said with a little smile.

“I could get on board with that idea.”

“You could?”

“I knew you were special as soon as we met, Clarke. Something pulled me towards you, I can’t deny that. I don’t believe in fate or soulmates but the way you made me… The way I feel for you, the way we just click… None of it seems quite so ridiculous now.”

Lexa was not expecting the fierce way that Clarke’s lips smothered her words, arms coming up to link behind her neck, their chests pressing together in a tantalising way.

“Clarke, are you OK?” Lexa asked between kisses. The eyes that met hers were now a starless sky, dark and all-consuming. It made her shiver.

“I’m good, it’s another kind of intense now, the kind I can only get out with kisses.”

“I know that feeling well,” Lexa admitted, her lips already making their way back to Clarke’s.

They were so wrapped up in each other that they completely forgot about the countdown to midnight. They were roused a while later by a smattering of fireworks and they grinned into their kiss before taking a much needed breath.

“Happy New Year, Clarke.”

“Happy New Year, Lexa.”

“You know, they say that you should start the year the way you want to spend the rest of it,” Lexa said against Clarke’s lips.

“Oh yeah? So is making out with me the way you want to spend the rest of the year?”

Lexa grinned, bringing their lips together in an excruciatingly slow kiss before answering.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

Something was missing though, there was something she wanted to do. She wanted to start the new year right and she knew what she had to do to finally feel content. She was laid on top of Clarke now and the way her blonde curls were splayed out on the cushion around her was quite gorgeous. Clarke’s devilish grin subsided as she watched the thoughts run across Lexa’s face.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Be my girlfriend?”

“Of course, I told you I’m already yours.”

“And I am yours.”

“I thought you didn’t want to own me? Surely you don’t want me to own you either?” Clarke’s hand came to jab into Lexa’s side playfully and she grinned.

“I don’t own you, Clarke, nor do you own me, but nothing would make me happier than to be able to refer to you as my girlfriend. It is a title, a label, not a claim of ownership.”

“Hey, I’m just kidding. Now, in your first few minutes as being my girlfriend, you have definitely been failing in your girlfriend-ly duty to kiss me loads so…”

Clarke leaned up just as Lexa leaned down, their smiling lips coming together once more.

 

*

 

A few days later they finally decided to go out on their third proper date, their New Year’s tryst making them eager for more time alone. Lexa wanted to take Clarke somewhere fancy, somewhere they could enjoy a nice candle-lit dinner together without the possibility of a trip to the ER. She left Clarke that afternoon with the instruction to get dressed up for dinner and she came back to pick her up that evening, determined to be the proper gentleman. She got a little distracted by the pretty bundle of flowers that were in her arms as she waited on the doorstep but her attention was quickly diverted by the sound of the door opening. She was a tad disappointed to be greeted by Raven’s smiling face and not Clarke’s but it afforded her another beautiful opportunity which she came to enjoy a few minutes later.

“Damn, Lex, you look _hot_!” 

Lexa smiled up at her friend. She knew she looked hot, she had picked her outfit for that exact reason. That and, well, she looked really smart in it too. She was wearing a long black coat and a scarf over the majority of it so Raven wasn’t even able to see the white button-down and blazer she was wearing along with her nice black pants and stylish yet sensible boots.

“Thanks, is she ready?”

“Almost,” Raven told her, ushering her inside. “It’s bloody cold out there!”

“It’s lovely, it smells just like winter should now.”

Raven narrowed her eyes at her.

“Oh man, you’re one of those weirdos that likes winter, aren’t you?”

“I’m afraid so.”

Raven gave her a slightly disapproving look, the sparkle never leaving her eyes. She looked towards the stairs and Lexa was impressed at the magnificently loud shout Raven gave for such a small woman. Lexa shook her head at herself as she realised that she shouldn’t really be surprised, she’d heard Raven having sex before after all.

At the racket that Raven had made, Finn came out of the living room and smiled as he saw Lexa.

“Lexa!”

“Hey kid,” she said, before turning her gaze to see where Finn’s eyes had wandered off to. 

She was instantly blessed by the sight of Clarke in a gorgeous, knee length grey dress that made the blue in her eyes visible even from where she stood at the top of the stairs. Their gazes locked as she began to descend slowly in elegant heels, the most wondrous smile brushed gently on her lips. The three of them stood and watched Clarke until she reached the bottom of the stairs and as soon as her foot stepped onto firm ground Lexa was right in front of her, her lips pressing into the flush of her cheek.

“These are for you,” Lexa said, presenting the flowers to Clarke who took them with a bashful smile.

“Thanks.”

“You look incredible, better than incredible. I don’t even think there are words to describe how amazing you look right now.”

Clarke giggled and Lexa swooned and she watched those sky blue eyes drop down in her pleasure to the flowers in her arms.

“Oh my god Lexa, are you actually _gushing_ right now? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have so little control over your words!” Raven sounded incredibly amused and just as Lexa was turning to tell Raven in as polite a way as possible (for Finn’s fragile ears) where she could shove her words, Clarke flashed Raven a look that had her apologising and leaving for the kitchen.

“You look like a princess, Mommy,” Finn said, his face bright.

Lexa noticed the way that Clarke flinched a little at the word but she regained herself quickly and Lexa found herself both relieved and proud.

“Thanks little man, and thank you Lexa. You look quite incredible yourself.” She pressed a delicate kiss to Lexa’s cheek. “I’m going to put these in some water and then we’ll head out, OK?”

“OK,” Lexa said, feeling positively giddy.

Once Clarke had left, Lexa sank to sit on the stairs and Finn came to sit next to her.

“Lexa?”

“Yes Finn?”

“I know you’re my mommy’s girlfriend now and everything,” Lexa sensed a ‘but’ in his pause and she braced herself. They had told him New Year’s morning that they were officially together and allowed him to ask them any questions that he had about it, which were surprisingly very few. But then again, he had known they’d liked each other for long enough to work it all out for himself, they were pretty much just telling what he already knew. “So you better take care of her, OK?”

Not quite a ‘but’ but an adorable little protective look had drawn itself on Finn’s face as his chest puffed out importantly and he folded his arms.

“Of course I’ll take care of her, Finn.”

“You promise?” He narrowed his eyes at her.

“I promise.”

She held out her hand towards him and he smiled as he took it. Lexa took a moment to marvel at just how far the three of them had come in the few months since the last time she and Finn had shook hands over Clarke’s happiness and it made her feel incredibly warm. She slung her arm around his shoulder and pulled him into her chest, relaxing as he nestled in close.

Clarke found them like that a minute later when she returned. The full force of her beauty was once more thrust upon Lexa, she hadn’t been ready for it again, and she was sure she was wearing a ridiculously soppy smile. Clarke tugged on a long coat that pretty much reached the bottom of her dress as she spoke to them.

“I hate to break up the cuddle-fest but we’d better get going, Lex, we don’t want to miss our reservation.”

Lexa and Finn stood up and Clarke bent down to kiss Finn’s forehead.

“I’ll see you later, little man.”

“Bye Mommy, bye Lexa, you be good.”

Clarke’s eyes widened in surprise but she laughed as she regarded her son.

“Hey, that’s my line!”

Finn shrugged.

“Yuhuh, I know. But you know I’m always good for Raven and Octavia. I don’t know that you’ll be good on a date, you haven’t had many.”

Lexa was completely amazed by the innocent way he gazed up at Clarke and she laughed.

“Fine, I’ll be good,” Clarke relented.

Finn gave them a happy little nod and he said goodbye again, closing the door behind them as they headed out into the night. 

They only made it a couple of steps down the path before Lexa had pulled on Clarke’s hand that was in her own until she stopped with a knowing smile. Clarke’s lips were warm against her own in the cold night air and she could taste the smile on them still.

“Couldn’t wait any longer, huh?”

“Nuhuh,” Lexa said, kissing Clarke again until they were roused by a knocking sound. 

Raven was stood in the living room window miming sticking her fingers down her throat and Lexa rolled her eyes at her childishness, not at all embarrassed, surprisingly. She figured she really must be getting comfortable with these people and she was feeling a little proud of herself. She turned her attention to Clarke who was showing Raven a very choice finger that had the other woman’s jaw dropping. Lexa was rolling her eyes again, grinning as she grabbed the offending hand and pulled Clarke towards her car, eager to begin their date.

The dinner was nice, if a little pretentious, but Lexa was used to that kind of food having grown up in a very well-to-do family. It seemed to perplex Clarke a little but she seemed more preoccupied by Lexa and Lexa wasn’t exactly complaining about that. The main thing Lexa took away from their dinner was that Clarke was definitely incredibly gorgeous by candlelight.

“Let’s go for a walk!” Clarke suggested when they left the restaurant a couple of hours later, her hand finding Lexa’s easily even with the gloves they were both wearing.

“But you hate being cold,” Lexa told her, looking over at Clarke and taking in her bright expression. “And I think you’ve probably noticed that it’s rather chilly.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s _freezing_ but it’s gorgeous. Besides,” her expression wavered a little, “I’m not ready to go home yet. So let’s walk.”

“Are you sure you can walk in those shoes for that long?”

“I’ll be fine, the cold will numb my feet anyway.”

“Clarke.”

“Really, Lex, don’t worry so much! You’ll get wrinkles.”

Lexa huffed and Clarke stuck her tongue out at her.

“I’ve got some spare converse in the car if you want to change your shoes?”

“I guess I could use a break from these heels, they are kind of rubbing.” 

Lexa nodded, a little pleased that she was right. She was also just pleased that Clarke would be more comfortable. 

“Got any socks in there too?”

“Maybe.”

And that was how they found themselves strolling through a park a little while later, Clarke pouting at her discovery that the night sky was coated in thick clouds. Their arms were linked together as they walked and Clarke’s feet grew a little heavier as she complained, her movements becoming a little awkward as she stomped along in Lexa’s converse.

“I don’t know, Clarke, the view looks pretty good from where I’m standing.” 

She was quite enamoured at how the orange glow of the streetlights lit up Clarke’s face, leaving the other half in darkness. Lexa hadn’t realised before what a striking side profile Clarke had. Clarke turned to look at her, her frown unstitching as soon as she saw the cheeky smile Lexa was giving her. 

“Oh shush, you.”

“Nope, you’re beautiful and I’m enjoying looking at you. I don’t want to shush about that.”

“Fine,” Clarke said, rolling her eyes with a smile that Lexa knew meant that she was pleased. 

They walked together in silence for a little while just enjoying each other’s company when a white fleck pulled Lexa from her happy, Clarke-filled thoughts. Was that…? She looked around and saw another fleck.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it…”

“Oh my god, it’s snowing!”

They stopped walking and stood looking up at the oddly light sky and yes, there was no doubt about it now, it was snowing. It seemed a little cliché, a snowy walk after a fancy dinner date but the way it lit Clarke up made Lexa not mind one tiny bit. Clarke unhooked her arm from Lexa’s and stepped forward a little, tipping her head back and closing her eyes, her arms held out to the sides, palms turned to the sky. She breathed in deeply, Lexa could tell from the way her shoulders rose, and she looked utterly serene. When the snow started to fall heavier, Clarke’s eyes fluttered open and came to rest on Lexa briefly before she was off dancing to music that only she could hear.

Lexa wasn’t sure how Clarke expected her to be able to breathe properly while she danced around in the snow like that in her mismatched outfit that she totally made look fashionable. The sky was a hazy orange and the snowflakes swirling around them were getting bigger now, landing elegantly in Clarke’s hair as she span herself into a giddy frenzy in the already snow-dusted grass of the park. 

“It’s gorgeous!” She called out and Lexa took a few shaky steps towards her.

“I thought you hated being cold,” she said, willing herself to act cooler than she felt.

“I do but I love the snow so much that I can ignore the cold.”

“I can see that.”

Clarke’s blazing eyes locked onto her and she came springing towards her, closing the gap between them. She wrapped her arms around Lexa, making her sway to the sound of the snow, holding her so close that Lexa could feel the way her breathing had quickened, whether from exertion or mere excitement she wasn’t so sure. It was quite intoxicating.

The lightness in Clarke as they danced, as she held Lexa’s hand above them and made her twirl, as she dipped her low and kissed her deeply in the frosty air, had Lexa feeling giddier than ever. With each lingering touch, each nudge of her nose, each time their eyes met and Clarke dared her to dance with more passion than she knew she could, Lexa felt herself falling deeper and deeper into the feeling that had been threatening to take over for the last few months. She had been afraid that falling in love was going to be like drowning, like being smothered by something all-consuming and terrifying, but somehow Clarke was proving her in wrong in every way without even realising it.

Clarke was getting quite out of breath and Lexa found them slowing to a gentle sway again, their foreheads pressed together. She was relieved, the way she was feeling was making her hazy and she needed a moment to breathe, to gather herself. Everything inside her was tensing as Clarke’s presence and her sheer lightness broke those chains Lexa had felt holding her back for so long. She sucked in a deep breath when she felt the last one snap, her eyes fluttering closed as she whispered,

“ _Clarke_.”

She loved the way that the name felt rolling off her tongue, it was effortless and natural, and she especially loved the way that Clarke’s grip tightened on her as she said it, as if she loved hearing it in Lexa’s voice just as much as Lexa loved saying it.

“You’re crazy for dancing in the snow,” she told her.

“You love it,” Clarke said playfully and Lexa pulled her head back a little, Clarke’s expression turning more serious as she saw the look in Lexa’s eyes.

“I do.” Lexa bit at her lip, could she do it? “You’re crazy and bold and beautiful and strong, that’s why I-” The tension inside her loosened its hold and she deflated a little, falling forward into Clarke a little further.

“Hey, it’s OK.”

“There’s so much that I want to tell you, Clarke.”

Clarke’s gloved hand came up to brush at Lexa’s cheek with a tenderness that had her sighing. 

“Tell me whatever you can when you’re ready.”

Lexa knew her gaze was intense and Clarke shivered a little in her arms. While she knew it wasn’t just the cold that had caused it, Lexa still found herself taking the scarf from her own neck and wrapping it around Clarke’s. She smoothed the fabric down and pulled at the lapels on Clarke’s jacket as she struggled to find the right words to express herself.

“It’s like I’ve been fighting against my feelings, against myself, for the longest time but here with you right now, I’ve realised something…” She trailed off, expecting Clarke to prompt her but when she didn’t, she continued on of her own volition, Clarke looking a little proud at her because of it. “With you, I finally feel like my fight is over.”

Clarke eyes seemed deeper than the complexities of the universe and the awe that Lexa saw there was much like what she was feeling herself.

“Your fight is over,” Clarke breathed out, a tentative hand coming to rest on Lexa’s neck. 

She knew what was coming next, they both knew it, and the snow began to tumble even thicker around them as if it knew it too. The rest of the world was whisked off into the blizzard around them, fading away into the crisp and cold oblivion. Nothing else mattered but the way blue met green in amongst the white of the snow.

“I love you,” Lexa finally said, her voice strong and sure.

Watching those words reach Clarke was one of the most blissful things she had ever witnessed, it relaxed her face completely, made her sink into Lexa, turned back the clock so Lexa felt as if they were two teenagers lost together in the frivolity of the new and the unknown. The words that met Lexa’s ears were not the ones she expected.

“And how does that make you feel?” Clarke asked, her face serene, her smile reaching all the way to her eyes. As soon as the question came to settle between them, Lexa knew exactly what Clarke wanted to hear and it was just the answer that she wanted to give.

“It makes me feel _strong_.”

Lexa felt proud as she beamed at Clarke and Clarke’s hands gripped her tighter.

“Hell yeah it does,” Clarke said, pressing their foreheads together. “And guess what?”

“What?” Lexa knew what but she wasn’t about to ruin the grand reveal.

“I love you too.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do, I have done for a while.”

It was with a new sense of freedom that their lips came together in that blizzard and after a few seconds, Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s middle and lifted her up, their lips parting as she span them round and round in the little world that they had created together.

It was oh so cliché but it was gorgeous and Lexa was in freakin’ _love_ and she knew with every cell in her body that this was the happiest she had ever felt in her entire life.

So far.

 

*

 

An unknowable amount of time later they were back at Lexa’s car in the multi-storey parking lot, hands linked and hearts beating at similar erratic paces, not that either of them knew that. Lexa was hit with a sense of déjà vu as she turned to look at Clarke only to find her a lot closer than she expected. Clarke slid their lips together, her hands wandering up Lexa’s sides as she pushed her up against her car, the very same car that she had kissed her against the night that they had first met. 

Clarke yanked her gloves off and worked fast at undoing their coats to give them more contact before she pushed against Lexa even harder, her kisses deep and urgent, her breathing ragged and warm on Lexa’s admittedly rather frozen cheeks. Lexa fumbled with her gloves and pulled them off before running her hands up under Clarke’s dress a little, coming to cup low on her thighs. Clarke hissed at the contact, breaking their kiss.

“ _Jesus fuck_ , your hands are so cold!”

Lexa pulled them off and Clarke frowned.

“What are you doing?”

“You said my hands were cold.”

“That doesn’t mean you should stop!”

“Oh.” 

Clarke smiled and Lexa followed suit, her hands coming back up to stroke at Clarke’s bare skin as she revelled in the way that Clarke moved even closer, her legs straddling one of Lexa’s.

It was all very familiar but so different at the same time and the stark difference between this and their first encounter was made completely obvious by the words that slipped from Clarke’s lips as Lexa’s placed languid kisses to her neck.

“I love you,” she whispered and it was the most miraculous thing.

“I love you too,” Lexa replied as she pulled her head up to look at her gorgeous girlfriend, the final word swallowed by Clarke’s lips as they crashed together again.

Clarke’s hands roamed up Lexa’s shirt and grabbed at her hips, trying to pull her even closer and she groaned a little in frustration as she discovered it wasn’t possible. Lexa tried to console her with an eager tongue and Clarke quivered against her. She pulled back and Lexa had never seen her expression so dark before, it was a little unnerving.

“Lexa, take me home,” she said, her tone serious and Lexa deflated. She knew it had all felt too familiar, Clarke was overwhelmed again. It had been quite the intense evening after all, she should have expected this.

“Of course, Clarke,” she said, trying to keep the disappointment off her face. She heard it in her voice though. “Of course I’ll take you home.”

The smile that took over Clarke’s face surprised Lexa. Clarke shook her head, placing a kiss on Lexa’s left cheek and then on her right.

“No, Lexa, take me home. To your place.”

“To my…?”

“To your place, yeah.”

Lexa’s already galloping heart picked up into a ferocious sprint and she nodded her head dumbly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Really?”

“Lexa,” Clarke warned, chuckling at the way Lexa’s eyes widened as her hands wandered under her shirt, skimming higher and higher up her stomach. “Take me home.”

Lexa may have realised that her love for Clarke wasn’t weakness but she was definitely powerless to resist such a request and that had a whole different feel to it. She found that she didn’t mind it at all.


	11. Hold Me Close and Kiss Me Faster, Take Me to Your Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa explore a new level of intimacy in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No matter what I write for these two it always ends up being the cutest and gayest thing ever. I give up, these two are stupidly cute gay nerds and I love them fiercely. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's different to anything I've written before so I put myself under quite a lot of pressure to get it right. Thanks for reading!

The drive back to Lexa’s apartment was a slow one what with the constant barrage of snow into the windscreen of the car but they were both relieved to finally be entering the warm living room a little while later. They hadn’t really spoken for the whole journey, their intentions a little more daunting with less physical contact and more space to think.

Lexa could tell that Clarke was nervous as they took off their jackets and shoes. Clarke gave her a wobbly smile and she smiled back, trying to reassure her. The atmosphere between them had changed, potential was running rings around them and they had a whole night of possibilities opening up before them.

“When do you have to be home to relieve Raven?” Lexa asked, taking Clarke’s jacket and hanging it up for her.

“She left it up to me,” Clarke said, shrugging. She seemed a little smaller, her demeanour turning her stance inwards, hands playing in front of her. Her eyes were down and her windswept hair was falling into them prettily. Though she seemed reserved, there was the hint of a smile lingering in the angles of her face. As she continued speaking, her eyes flicked up again. “She said she’s happy to give me the night off, you know, if I want it… So I guess I just have to be home by tomorrow. But I can leave whenever you want.”

Lexa smiled, stepping towards Clarke and taking her hand. She knew what she wished her answer could be but she thought that ‘never’ was probably an unreasonable suggestion… Plus they’d had enough big revelations for one evening, she thought perhaps it was best to leave it there for now. A night with Clarke was the most she could ask for and it was definitely more than she had been expecting.

“So I can have you to myself for the whole night?”

“If you want me,” Clarke replied, neat white teeth pulling at her bottom lip. Her chin was tilted down as she looked up and across the couple of inches that were the only difference in their height. It was seductive and stunning all at once. 

“Oh you have no idea.”

Lexa tugged on Clarke’s hand and pulled her close, nudging their noses together. Clarke’s eyes fluttered closed and she let out a shaky breath, hands coming up to hold onto Lexa’s arms as if she were bracing herself. Her grip was firm.

“I’m nervous,” Clarke admitted, voice low and uneven.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I want to… It’s just been so long.”

“I know, we’ll take it slow.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes finally opening. Their colour was quickly becoming Lexa’s salvation and she let herself float along in those still waters for a second. As she considered her next move, she started to feel a little nervous herself. 

“Just you and me for a whole night,” Clarke said, shaking her head as she marvelled at the concept.

“Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?”

“It sounds perfect. The whole evening has been perfect. I mean, would you look at the weather?”

Clarke slipped around Lexa and headed over to the window, Lexa finding that she missed the contact as soon as she was gone. She enjoyed watching Clarke make her way across the room, steps slow, hips swaying, delicate curves making that gorgeous dress ripple. The curtains were still open and the window itself was aglow with white light. As Clarke got further away from her Lexa flicked the light off, letting the light of the night take over the room, and she was instantly happy she had done so. Clarke didn’t seem to notice, she was completely enraptured by the sight before her. She stood in front of the window with the light brushing across her face, gently highlighting every tiny detail that Lexa had fallen in love with.

“It’s still snowing but look,” Clarke said, pointing up at the sky, her gaze never leaving the view. “The clouds have broken up a little, it’s a full moon.”

Of course it was, the only thing more beautiful than a snow-filled evening was a moonlit snow-filled evening. Nature was pulling out all of the stops for them tonight. Lexa didn’t believe in signs but if she did, it sure seemed as if something was trying to make the night as incredible as possible. She vowed to do the same and felt she had done pretty well in that so far. 

She stepped softly over to Clarke, feeling the pull to be near her, to see what it was that was making Clarke look so utterly mesmerised. Clarke’s face was probably as soft as she had ever seen it, the faintest smile hanging on her lips as her eyes roamed the frozen world below them. Her skin was luminescent, her hair streaked silver, eyes dark but glowing. She was a goddess in every sense of the word and Lexa was struck by how much she loved her once again.

“It’s so beautiful,” Clarke whispered, hand coming up to ghost against the glass.

“ _You’re_ so beautiful.”

The words slipped from Lexa’s lips without her even realising that she was capable of speaking in the face of such a wondrous sight. Clarke turned her head, seemingly a little surprised to find Lexa so close. She held out a hand to her, beckoning her closer, and Lexa found herself stepping up behind her, wrapping her arms around her middle and pressing her front against Clarke’s back. Clarke sighed into her embrace, letting her weight shift back into Lexa who tightened her grip in response. Lexa brought her cheek to rest against Clarke’s over her shoulder. 

They stood like that for a little while, enamoured both by the beauty of the night and the way it felt to be so close. Lexa loved her friends and Finn but it was when she was alone with Clarke that she experienced the true meaning of peace. She hadn’t realised that she had never really felt it until she found her. Her mind had quieted, fears had eased, anxiety just the faintest flicker at the pit of her stomach. But that was more anticipation than anything at this point. And definitely the good kind. 

Lexa had always liked to play it safe in life, mostly just experiencing excitement and exploration in the books she read, but with Clarke she found herself seeking new experiences, new adventures. She knew Clarke was going to be by far the most tantalising story that she’d ever read. And, even better, she’d get to explore her with more than just her eyes. She was pretty sure every inch of her ached for Clarke at this point.

The longer they stood there the more aware she became of the fact that they were pressed so close, that Clarke smelled _amazing_ , and that her cheek was so soft against her own. As she thought of how good it would be to have more of their skin united she found her arms unlocking their hold, her hands skimming across the fabric of Clarke’s dress and the soft curve of her stomach. Clarke initially stiffened at the contact, her breathing becoming less steady, and she turned her head towards Lexa’s. She dragged her nose against her cheek, breath hot on her skin, lips coming to caress it ever so lightly. Lexa willed her heart to slow, hands still moving and coming to grip at Clarke’s hips, a thrill shooting though her at the way Clarke’s breath stuttered as she did so.

Their lips found each other’s easily but the angle was awkward and Clarke quickly turned around and pressed their fronts together. Her eyes roamed hungrily over Lexa’s face, hand running through her hair, before she joined their lips once more. Lexa had noticed in their time together that Clarke seemed to enjoy taking control in situations like this. It was usually Clarke pushing her up against things, Clarke bearing down on her as she climbed on top of her. Lexa moaned as Clarke pushed hard against her now, picking up the pace of their kiss with an eager tongue. Lexa had always considered herself to be a control-freak but with Clarke she knew she’d do anything she wanted. Especially tonight, it was Clarke that had reservations about sex so Lexa was determined to make this as comfortable for her as possible. 

She ran her hands up Clarke’s sides, the silky fabric of her dress flowing enticingly up gorgeous curves.

“You look really good in that dress,” Lexa said against Clarke’s lips before kissing the smile that took over her face.

“And you look really good in that shirt,” Clarke replied. Her voice had grown deeper and it made the tension low inside Lexa begin to coil.

“Mhmm, I thought you might like it.”

Lexa was disappointed when Clarke broke their kiss and pulled back a little but she was quickly distracted by the desire in Clarke’s eyes as surprisingly steady hands reached out to undo the first few buttons of her shirt. 

“That’s better,” Clarke said, grinning as she moved forward to press kisses all the way down Lexa’s neck to her collarbone. Her lips were tentative, kisses light, pace deliciously slow. As she pulled back a little her hand found its way inside Lexa’s shirt, pressing flat against her chest right over her heart. Lexa could see the love in Clarke eyes once they were reunited. That, coupled with the intimacy of Clarke’s touch, sent her heart sprinting. She took in a deep breath, captivated, held entirely by the moment.

“It’s racing,” Clarke announced as if Lexa wasn’t aware just how much of an effect she was having on her. 

Lexa’s voice was breathy when she replied, eyes blinking heavily with the weight of the tension between them. She was spellbound, she’d never felt quite so strung out on another person before and here they were just stood fully clothed in her living room. What incredible power Clarke had over her, and how absurd it was that she didn’t mind one tiny bit.

“That’s all you, Clarke.”

“Ah, so now your heart is beating my name too? How does that work if it’s only got one syllable?” Clarke was grinning and the way her bottom lip wobbled a little was the only indication she gave that she was still nervous. The rest of her demeanour was nothing but a good front, Lexa could tell she was trying to take the weight out of the moment but it wasn’t quite working. So she played along, trying to ease it for the both of them. She rolled her eyes.

“You’re ridiculous, Clarke.”

“You love it.”

“I love _you_.”

_God, that felt good to say._

“I love you too.”

Clarke was positively radiant as the words floated around them and Lexa felt as if she could conquer anything.

“You’re driving me crazy, that’s why it’s beating so hard,” Lexa said, amazement laced in her voice. “But, despite that, I feel more at peace than I have in a long time.”

The wobbly-lipped smiled made a return and Lexa reached out to run her thumb across it. Clarke kissed at the pad, her eyes closing briefly as Lexa’s palm continued on to stroke against her cheek.

“I guess I’m pretty powerful then, huh?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Lexa’s words seemed to boost Clarke’s confidence a little and she straightened, eyes glistening.

“You haven’t seen anything yet.”

She leaned in to claim Lexa’s lips again, the kiss deep and lingering, lips slick and seductive as they glided together.

“Come on,” Clarke said when the kiss broke. She took Lexa’s hand in her own and pulled her gently from the room and down the hall to her bedroom, Lexa’s heart pounding impossibly faster with every step.

_This is really going to happen._

Where the living room had been all silver, white, and cold on the eyes, Lexa’s bedroom was quite the contrast. Clarke flicked the lamp on and everything glowed warm and soft, the icy tones of the night banished by thick curtains. Lexa closed the door behind her and leaned up against it, basking in the sight of Clarke stood just a few steps away. 

Time stopped when their eyes locked. Lexa had her hands behind her and pressed against the door and without that to ground her, to remind her that everything was real, that the moment was tangible, she was sure she would have disbelieved it. If someone had told her six months ago she’d be in love she would have scoffed and walked away. If they’d have told her she’d be in love with a gorgeous woman and imagining the life she could have with her and her son she probably would have had a panic attack on the spot just at the thought of it. All of it was utterly implausible and yet there Lexa was in her own bedroom, in her own clothes, in her _actual life_ , gazing into the eyes of the woman she was deeply, irrevocably in love with. This wasn’t a wistful dream that clung to her as she awakened, this was real. If she stepped towards Clarke she could reach out and touch her. 

Why wasn’t she touching her? 

The door was firm and cold against her fingers as she pushed herself away from it, taking surprisingly solid steps across the gap that separated them, Clarke’s teeth tugging on her lip as she watched her come closer.

It was a smile that she tasted on those lips, it was forever that was etched in the way that their bodies came together, infinity unfolding before them. Lexa was ridiculously smitten and she would have been simultaneously disgusted and freaked out about this level of mushiness previously but she didn’t care. She was moving on from that, pushing herself away from her past and further into Clarke, her hands grabbing at Clarke’s hips to keep her close in the face of the pressure she was exerting on her. Clarke’s hands were in her hair, loosening the curls from the careful way she had taught them to hang over the years, she could see them wild in her periphery every time her eyes opened a little to enjoy the sight of Clarke’s descent into desire.

She felt Clarke humming before she heard it, it started deep in her chest and vibrated through to Lexa’s very core, spurring her on. Eventually they had to part for breath, it was regrettable but Clarke’s reaction to this made up for it entirely. She stepped back, ridding herself of all contact with Lexa. Lexa felt cold but Clarke’s gaze was searing, her smile a flash of heat as her hands came up to the straps of her dress. With one fluid motion Clarke had swept them off her shoulders, tugged the elastic that held the dress snug against her middle, and it fell to a puddle at her feet.

Suddenly Lexa was warm again, simmering in fact, one step from boiling over completely. She couldn’t help it, her eyes raked down the gorgeous body before her. She had to admit that she’d imagined how Clarke would look in a moment much like this many times but her imagination suddenly seemed like the dullest thing in the entire universe. Clarke was all curves and softness, the black of her underwear a stark contrast to the rose-tinted paleness of her skin. Though her face was filled with nerves, Clarke held herself with the kind of confidence that only someone at ease with their body could. There was a flush spreading across her chest, stopping at the swell of her chest. 

Lexa licked her lips before stepping closer. 

Clarke’s smile trembled.

“Can I?” Lexa asked, her hands reaching out and stopping a few inches from the skin she ached to touch. 

Clarke took Lexa’s hands and guided them to her sides and Lexa sighed, her eyes closing for a second, the sheer volume of sensory information piling into her mind overwhelming her a little, making her need to block something out for a moment. She smoothed her hands down Clarke’s sides, eyes coming open to watch with awe as she did so, stopping when her fingertips reached the elastic of Clarke’s underwear. 

“I think you’re a little overdressed for the occasion,” Clarke said, voice husky, smile bold and enticing. 

Lexa wanted to be just as alluring in reply, she wanted to flirt and seduce and tease Clarke but she was a mess. She was completely at the mercy of the unfamiliar mix of love and desire that was running rampant through her system. She just nodded, it was all she could manage.

She felt ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. Sex was something she was good at but it all seemed so different this time. She was letting Clarke lead her, something she’d never liked doing, but she felt content in it and exhilarated by it at the same time. Clarke’s kisses were sweet and understanding when they reunited, her hands unbuttoning the rest of Lexa’s shirt before she gently pushed it off over her shoulders. They pulled at it awkwardly together to get it all of the way off, nerves turning to smiles as they fumbled.

The less in her head Lexa was, the better she felt. She needed to stop second guessing herself and rely on her impulses, that way she felt that she couldn’t go wrong. She and Clarke seemed to be in-sync on an emotional level these days, now it was time to work out how they fit together physically.

Lexa breathed in deeply at the way that Clarke’s fingers skimmed against her skin when she undid the top button of her pants. Pulling them off while still standing turned out to be incredibly awkward too but they giggled and kissed as Lexa stumbled and she gripped onto strong arms to steady herself. They were swaying as they kissed when their barely dressed bodies met once more, the desire making them less able to command themselves properly. Clarke took control of the situation and guided them to the bed, pushing Lexa down with a devilish grin.

Lexa sat on the edge, hair on her arms rising in the chill of the night, eyes wide and lips slightly parted in awe as she looked up at Clarke. The light seemed to be streaming out around her from all sides, her edges bright, her features dark and cast in shadow. They gazed at each other for a moment, Clarke’s boldness wavering as her eyes flicked between each of Lexa’s as if they were searching for something. She must have found it because suddenly she was straddling Lexa’s lap, causing the deep ache inside Lexa to overflow into a moan which Clarke was quick to stifle with her mouth. They fell into a heated rhythm of kisses and caresses, Clarke beginning to shift awkwardly against Lexa the longer they carried on. Lexa tore her attention from Clarke’s lips to her neck, teeth dragging along the soft skin, her lips kissing at the pulse so erratic just beneath its surface. She kissed down her chest as her hands clung at her back, the tension inside her mounting thousandfold as Clarke’s breath hitched when she reached the swell of her breasts.

It was all excruciatingly slow and part of Lexa really wanted to pick up the pace, this all felt like such a long time coming and she was greedy, she wanted Clarke badly and she wanted her _now_. From the way that Clarke’s fingers were digging into her shoulders, her grip tightening each time Lexa suck a little harder at her skin, she could tell she was struggling with the anticipation too. There was a need for more but Lexa’s desire to savour won out and she kept it slow, tentative, loving, something she hadn’t known she could do before.

Clarke’s boldness did eventually run out and Lexa was impressed that she had managed to keep it up for so long. It was when they had finally shed the rest of their clothes that Clarke had stopped. She dropped Lexa’s underwear on the floor and finally returned her gaze to the woman laid on the bed before her. She was knelt by Lexa’s feet, her eyes hungrily raking over her body at first, but when their gazes met she seemed to shrink into herself a little. 

As soon as Lexa saw this shift she was up again and in front of Clarke, her hand holding her chin and pulling their eyes together with her softness.

“Are you OK, Clarke?” 

Clarke nodded, breathing out slowly.

“This is all so… It’s been _such a long time_.”

The first part of Lexa’s reply was a soft kiss, thumb stroking along the line of Clarke’s jaw. The second part comprised of the words that she knew would shift this encounter to a whole new level. She was entirely ready for them to and the heavy way that Clarke was breathing made her feel as if Clarke was as well.

“I may not be so good at all of the emotional stuff but I’m good at this. Do you want me to take over?”

Clarke’s gaze searched Lexa’s again.

“It’s OK to let go of the control, Clarke.”

Clarke paused for a second, shaking her head.

“I love you,” she said as if the words were a wonder. 

To Lexa, they absolutely were.

“I love you too.”

Clarke smiled, her posture relaxing as she pulled Lexa forward into a rather awkward hug. The tenderness of the moment was quickly shattered by the way their bodies felt together and Clarke pulled back. Her eyes never left Lexa’s as she moved herself to lie back against the pillows, her body laid out and completely gorgeous in all its glory for Lexa to see.

“Come on,” she said with a smile and suddenly the moment was upon them. Clarke was letting go of the control she had taken on their very first date, the dominance she had displayed in shoving Lexa up against that car finally relenting. 

Lexa took her time as she promised herself she would. She learned Clarke’s body with eager eyes and even more eager lips. She found a small scar below her shoulder, stretch marks on her stomach that Clarke eyed her nervously over until she kissed every inch of them, a freckle on her left hip that almost looked like a tiny heart. The further down her body she got the more tense Clarke became and as Lexa kissed high on her thighs Clarke put her face in her hands. She seemed to be muttering to herself and Lexa stopped, a little concerned. She came back up to lie against Clarke.

“Clarke?”

Wary eyes peered over soft hands.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

Clarke shook her head.

“Do you want to tell me what you _do_ want?”

Clarke lowered her hands. 

“Can you stay here?”

“Where else would I go?”

“No, I mean up here, when you… I mean, when I…”

“Clarke, don’t worry.”

“I’m a little nervous about letting go… You know? If I can see you, look into your eyes, hold onto you… I think it’ll help. So stay up here?”

Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek. She had only been exploring Clarke’s body, she wasn’t going to make any sudden moves but she could see Clarke had thought so. But now she knew what Clarke wanted she certainly wasn’t going to deny her of it much longer.

“Of course, anything for you.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Clarke smiled and Lexa relaxed a little, leaning in to press a comforting kiss to her lips, a comforting kiss that grew more heated as their tongues came into play. Lexa broke the kiss, her eyes locking with Clarke’s in a silent question.

Clarke nodded, giving Lexa her answer.

It was a nervous but keen hand that roamed its way down Clarke’s body, a sharp inhalation Clarke’s greeting when it found its way.

“Is this OK?”

“Mhmm.”

Lexa really enjoyed learning the ways that Clarke responded to her touch. She learned that she would arch her back a little when she teased her, sometimes earning her a bite on the lip or a frustrated groan. She revelled in how Clarke’s tongue grew more eager when she found a spot she liked, hands gripping any part of Lexa she could reach. She was almost driven to distraction by the way that Clarke told her how different her fingers felt inside her, how they were thinner and longer than her own, how much better they felt. Her favourite thing that she learned was the way Clarke looked as she came undone around her, hands in Lexa’s hair, pressing their lips fiercely together, the moan low in her throat making its way around the edge of their kiss. 

When her eyes finally opened, Clarke looked much calmer. Aside from the obvious tension that had been released there was something else that had gone too. She smiled, a miraculous and bashful smile that had Lexa forgetting the desire that was still tugging hard at her. It didn’t last long though, when Clarke kissed her again she seized the control, flipping their positions and deft fingers made effortless work of the coil that Clarke had wound Lexa into.

“You’re really good at that,” Lexa said breathily as Clarke’s fingers continued to work their magic.

“I’m an artist, we’re good with our hands.”

Lexa’s laugh quickly became a moan and Clarke’s smile was wicked in all the right ways.

“I cannot deny the truth of that statement. I thought you’d be a little rusty, perhaps, but you-” A sharp inhalation from Lexa and a smug smile from Clarke interrupted Lexa’s words. “You, uh, you definitely know what you’re doing.” 

Clarke clacked her tongue, gaze softening a little.

“I knew you were going to be a talker.”

“I’m not a talker.”

“Not usually but most would be rendered speechless by what I’m currently doing.”

As if proving a point, the way Clarke’s fingers moved had Lexa whimpering and Clarke was back to that devilish grin again.

“I admit, you are making it rather difficult,” Lexa stuttered out.

“Difficult but not impossible, apparently, and therein lies my challenge. Let’s see what it takes to make you stop talking.”

The look Clarke gave Lexa pushed her even closer to that edge she was creeping up to and she held on to her tighter, eager to let Clarke satiate her curiosity.

It wasn’t long before Clarke found her answer. She found it quite a few times that night, in fact.

 

*

 

Lexa was breathless but it wasn’t just from the high she was riding out or the way that Clarke seemed eager to taste her moans each time they escaped her. No, this was the kind of breathless that her mind left her sometimes when it whirled away with itself, consumed by overwhelming thoughts. 

Her forehead was pressed against Clarke’s, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as the tremors seized her body. She moaned against Clarke’s lips before everything finally loosened and she relaxed into the mattress. Clarke followed her, dropping her weight on top of her and kissing a smile into her lips. 

“Lexa? Are you OK?”

That was when Lexa realised that while she had relaxed everything, her eyes were still scrunched shut and she tried to catch her breath as she opened them. Bluer than the sky, Clarke’s eyes greeted her, lines framing them in worry. Lexa kissed her cheek a little sloppily, still struggling to catch her breath.

“I… I think so, that was just, my _god_ that was intense, Clarke.”

“Then I did my job properly,” Clarke said, her expression turning mischievous. 

Lexa rolled her eyes but smiled.

“Well yes, the orgasm was quite intense but I meant… Everything, it was _all_ so intense. You and me, what you were doing, how it made me feel, and not just physically.”

Clarke shifted her weight to free a hand and she brought it up to smooth at Lexa’s cheek. It was that look Clarke gave her again, the one that spoke of pure, unconditional love. Something swelled up inside Lexa and she wasn’t quite sure what it was. When her throat seemed to constrict and her eyes started to blur, she figured it out pretty quickly. Colour flooded her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around Clarke and pulled her closer, burrowing her head in her neck.

“Hey, it’s OK, I get it,” Clarke cooed.

“You do?”

Clarke pushed herself up to look at Lexa, the gentle way she smiled making her feel a little better.

“I do. Sex can be detached from emotions, sure, but when you have feelings, when you’re in love, it can be crazy intense. In a good way, of course. But sharing something so intimate right after you realised you were in love for the first time in years and years, I’m not surprised it’s hitting you so hard.”

“So it’s normal to feel this way?”

Clarke chuckled and nodded.

“It’s the good kind of intense though, right?” Clarke asked.

“You have no idea how good.”

“I’m pretty sure I do.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Wow, OK.”

“The fact that we feel like this is more than normal, it’s extraordinary.”

“I didn’t know sex could feel satisfying in more than just one way,” Lexa said, feeling better at the way that Clarke seemed to be hanging onto her every word. Despite her seemingly endless onslaught of insecurities Clarke never seemed to tire of her, never made her feel like a burden. She was both grateful and relieved that Clarke was so patient. “Or I did and it’s just been so long that I’d forgotten.”

“Well, you know Lex, that’s because with feelings it’s better.”

Lexa regarded Clarke, heart seeming to beat solely for the woman laid on top of her. That statement seemed familiar but she couldn’t help but agree with it. Clarke was grinning, looking like she was about to laugh and it was quite the gorgeous sight.

“That’s true…What, Clarke? Why are you smiling like that?”

“It's nothing.”

“Clarke,” she warned, watching the adorable way Clarke bit at her lip to stop herself from laughing. Lexa rolled her eyes when something occurred to her.

“You got that line from Glee!” 

“Yeah, I did,” Clarke admitted, shrugging as best she could with the way her arms were holding her up. “Wait, you watched Glee?”

“Unfortunately.”

“I totally pegged you right from the start, you’re definitely a musical-lover.”

Lexa chuckled, hands running up Clarke’s sides. She was definitely enjoying having Clarke laid naked on top of her.

“Fine, you’ve got me. I love musicals.”

“Yes! That means we can go and see one together sometime, right?”

“Absolutely, I’d love to take you to New York, I was always going to the theatre when I lived there. You’d love it.”

“I’ve always wanted to go.”

“Then we’ll go, I know all the best places to take you to.”

“Ooo, can we go to see the Statue of Liberty?”

Clarke’s eyes were glistening with excitement and she was completely adorable.

“We can do the whole tourist thing, Clarke, whatever you like. It would be nice to see it through the eyes of someone who has never been there. I’ll definitely have to take you to see Wicked, it’s the gayest heterosexual show you’ll ever see.” Lexa grinned, stuck her tongue between her teeth cheekily and Clarke laughed.

“Ugh, why must they tease us like that? But, despite that, I’m always up for a bit of subtext. Plus, I just really love watching people dancing around and singing.”

“I know you do, so we’ll go one day.”

“You promise?”

Lexa’s heart swelled, Clarke was just like her son sometimes. The fact that they were making plans for a future together was making her stupidly happy.

“I promise.” 

Clarke leaned down to kiss Lexa, the added pressure in the way she shifted as she did so only serving to tease them both.

“I can’t believe you quoted Glee at me,” Lexa said, laughing again as she looked up at Clarke.

Clarke shrugged, smiling.

“You’re such a doofus,” Lexa said, shaking her head.

“I’m _your_ doofus.”

“Oh yeah? And what privileges do I get with that?”

Clarke shifted her legs a little so the softness of their skin glided together, making Lexa’s eyes flutter closed briefly at the feeling. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, already feeling her desire begin to build again.

“Oh there are many privileges, trust me.”

“Care to enlighten me?”

The way Clarke took control of the situation and showed her exactly what she wanted was certainly something Lexa could get used to.

 

*

 

Clarke was tired. She had no idea what time it was but she _ached_ and her eyes were heavy with sleep. Still she clung to consciousness, watching the steady way that Lexa’s chest rose and fell before her. So much had happened in just the space of an evening and it had all been so unexpected. Definitely the good kind of unexpected, the _best_ kind, and this was the first time she’d had a moment to process it all.

It had been a few days since she realised that she was in love with Lexa but she had expected to be keeping it to herself for a while as she waited for Lexa to catch up with her. Lexa, who seemed to panic in the face of any kind of positive feelings, had somehow just managed to overcome all of her doubts and fears and tell her she loved her. It was wondrous when she had seen the words in Lexa’s eyes before she’d said them, Clarke had felt as if her heart could burst with the anticipation of hearing them in the voice that she loved so fiercely. 

Lexa had managed to be so brave and overcome so much that it had made her feel bolder in herself. She was proud of Lexa, exhilarated by how it felt to be in love and to be loved in return, to finally have the person she loved alive and in front of her where she could tell them and show them just how she felt. And that was how she found herself consumed with desire when they reached Lexa’s car. She wanted to show Lexa just how she made her feel and right in that moment the only way she wanted to do that was with her lips, her tongue, and her body. The words meant a lot but they weren’t enough, she found that she wanted to give herself over entirely to Lexa.

If Lexa could face her fears then so could she. 

But it wasn’t exactly fear that she felt, no, the desire made quick work of toning that down to mere nerves and the further they went together, the easier it all seemed. She found a long-forgotten part of herself awakening under Lexa’s skilful touch, the old Clarke’s need for and enjoyment of intimacy coming back to her surface. As soon as she opened all of that back up she knew she wasn’t going to be able to shut it away again. Not as long as Lexa was around. From the way that Lexa responded to her every moan and touch, she had a feeling that she wouldn’t mind.

It felt good to let go, to be able to voice her emotions as well as to express them physically, to finally let another person see her vulnerable, and to give up the control she’d been obsessively holding onto for so long. 

And now there she was just watching Lexa sleep, marvelling at the peaceful way her face had relaxed, how soft she looked in the dim light, how her eyelashes fluttered prettily against her skin occasionally. Clarke wasn’t sure how long she had been watching Lexa but she felt as if she could do it forever.

Well, not forever, she was kind of starting to miss her. She missed those bold eyes, that sweet smile, the laugh that she managed to pull out of her more and more often as they got further into their relationship. 

A lot of the time Lexa barely even resembled the woman she first met in the bar anymore. She was still beautiful, her words were still deliberate and oddly literal, and she could still come off as being entirely composed. But that night Lexa had been unreserved yet shy, her words tumbling from her lips unhindered, she was exposed and smiley and about a million times more gorgeous just because she seemed to have finally let go. 

Something in Clarke had clung to Lexa when they first met, as if she had sensed something deep inside her. For some reason she desperately wanted to find it and she felt lucky to have been the one Lexa allowed to pry beneath her surface, to bring life to the parts of her that she had left to wither away in all of her fear and sadness from her past. 

She couldn’t quite believe they had got here, that they loved each other, and that Lexa loved her son too. They were right at the beginning of something that she believed with all of her heart would be more enduring than anything she had ever known.

She pushed herself closer to Lexa and pressed a kiss to her cheek, the tiniest smile tugging at Lexa’s lips as she did so. Lexa snuffled in her sleep, shifted until her back was to Clarke, revealing something she’d forgotten all about.

Her tattoo.

Clarke vaguely remembered asking to see it once when she’d found the one on her neck but she’d forgotten all about it. She’d been so preoccupied with Lexa’s front all evening that she hadn’t remembered the tattoo on her back. She pulled the duvet down slightly, eyes finding a little more life as they roamed down the toned skin of Lexa’s back, absorbing the soft strokes of ink. Whoever had designed and drawn this tattoo was obviously very talented, though she wasn’t exactly sure what it was. An intricate pattern of symbols led to many circles and lines, tracing all the way down the centre of Lexa’s back. 

She reached out a hand and ran her fingers gently down it, smiling as she felt Lexa shift beneath her fingertips and hum.

“Clarke?”

Lexa’s voice was laced with sleep and utterly adorable. Clarke sank into the warmth of the moment, allowing the pulse of emotion that her heart beat out through her body to take her over for a minute.

“Lex, your tattoo, it’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

Clarke let her eyes and fingers admire it for a little longer before moving closer and settling her body around Lexa’s. She loved the way their skin felt together and she wasn’t feeling quite as tired anymore as she enjoyed the tantalising way that their skin brushed together. She wrapped her arm around Lexa’s middle, her hand sweeping across her stomach. She put her chin on Lexa’s shoulder, pressing their cheeks together.

“You feel so good,” she whispered, hand wandering a little higher, exploring curves and softness in other places.

“Mhmm, so do you,” Lexa said, sounding a little less sleepy. 

Lexa pressed back into her and Clarke smiled. Her hand moved lower again, dipping beneath her navel and Lexa inhaled, turning her head to kiss Clarke’s cheek.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re talking again.”

“I like talking to you.”

Clarke’s hand continued on its trajectory.

“I thought we were sleeping,” Lexa said, hot breath beginning to pant a little against Clarke’s cheek.

“Do you want me to stop?” Clarke asked, pausing with her hand just above where she knew Lexa wanted her.

“Please don’t.”

Clarke grinned, she could definitely get used to this.

 

*

 

Lexa forced Clarke out of bed for breakfast the next morning, though she would have been content to spend the entire day there learning every little thing she could about what Lexa enjoyed. She didn’t mind so much as she watched Lexa make them some pancakes, oversized shirt hanging to the tops of her bare thighs, her underwear on show each time she reached up to grab something out of a cabinet. They had the heat on high in the apartment to combat against the cold outside and Clarke certainly was glad about that. Her eyes were hungrier than her stomach as she admired Lexa’s body, Lexa’s face bashful when she noticed the way that Clarke was looking at her. 

Their kisses were sweet and sticky when Clarke got bored of her pancakes a little while later and went to sit on Lexa’s lap, legs straddling her over the chair, Lexa’s complaints at their abandoned breakfast quickly quieting. 

“We need to eat, Clarke.”

“There are much better things we could be doing with our time.”

“We need to replenish our energy after last night.”

“I have, I’ve eaten a bit, now there’s something else my body wants more.”

Her hands found their way under Lexa’s shirt as she kissed her deeply, grinning as Lexa moaned and indicated that Clarke had won the argument.

“Who knew you were such a frat boy,” Lexa teased.

“Are you complaining about that?”

Lexa shook her head, teeth pulling at her lip in a way that had Clarke jealous. That was her job. She leaned forward and kissed Lexa hard, biting at her lip, satisfied. Well, satisfied at that she’d reclaimed that lip anyway.

She wasn’t completely satisfied until Lexa let her follow her into the shower, more than just the steam from the water fogging up the glass. She hadn’t thought she’d find anything that felt better than the softness of their bare bodies gliding together in bed the night before but the way that they slipped together under the warm jet of water was simultaneously the most tormenting but enjoyable thing.

They were entirely wrapped in each other both literally and figuratively a little while later, Clarke hoisted up on the worktop in the bathroom with Lexa stood between her legs and towels pooled uselessly on the floor, when they heard Clarke’s phone ringing from the bedroom.

“I should get that,” Clarke groaned into Lexa’s shoulder.

“Don’t you dare move, I’m not done with you yet,” Lexa told her, grabbing her towel and wrapping it around herself before running from the room. She thrust the phone at Clarke when she returned, it was still ringing.

As soon as she answered, a voice began speaking quickly.

“Hi, please stop what you’re doing and don’t tell me what it is right now though I will need details later…”

Clarke rolled her eyes, _typical Raven._

“Hello to you too.”

Lexa wrapped a towel around Clarke’s shoulders, gently untucking her hair from under it and letting it flop back over the top. They had tried to keep their hair dry in the shower but they had other, more important things, on their mind so they had failed. Lexa moved to place a kiss to Clarke’s neck and Clarke couldn’t help but wrap her legs back around her again, missing the skin that Lexa’s towel robbed her of being able to feel.

“Oh, yeah, hi. Anyway, your son wants you to come home because I don’t know if you’ve come up for air for long enough to notice but there’s a winter wonderland outside and he really wants you to come and play with him.”

“He does?” Clarke smiled and Lexa’s lust-filled eyes softened.

“He’s wanted to call ever since he woke up but I made him wait till ten. He’s been sat staring out of the kitchen window at all of the snow, absolutely refusing to go out and play in it until you and Lexa come back to go out with him. He’s starting to get stressed that it’ll melt before you come back and I feel mean making him wait any longer.”

“Tell him we’ll be there as soon as we can,” Clarke said, Lexa nodding along with her, obviously able to hear Raven’s side of the conversation.

“OK, I will. So… How was your night?”

Clarke’s heart swelled and she pulled Lexa in closer with her legs.

“Incredible.”

“Yuck, you two are so gross.”

“You’re gross.”

“Shit comeback, Griffin. Honestly, I expect better from you at this point in our friendship.”

“Well I’m sorry if I’m not at my full witty potential right now but you caught me when I was a little distracted.”

“Double yuck but also, it’s about time!”

Clarke laughed and Lexa buried her head in Clarke’s neck.

“I’ll see you soon,” she told Raven.

“Yeah you’d better, don’t get lost in each other again.”

“We won’t. Bye.”

Clarke hung up the phone and put it on the side next to her, love padding its way through her as she saw the flush on Lexa’s cheek when she finally pulled her head out of her neck.

“I guess we should get dressed then,” Clarke said, about to move off the side.

“Hey, no, I said I wasn’t finished with you yet,” Lexa warned, eyes mischievous. 

“But we have to get back.”

“Trust me, this won’t take long.”

Clarke bit her lip at the smug smile that claimed Lexa’s whole face and she relented.

Lexa was right as usual, it really didn’t take long.

 

*

 

Finn’s little face was pressed up against the glass of the living room window when they arrived back at Clarke’s just under an hour later. Luckily the roads had been ploughed so it didn’t take them too long to get back, although it had taken them a little while to de-ice Lexa’s car. Finn’s face brightened instantly when he saw them and he disappeared from sight, reappearing in the front door as he yanked it open.

“You’re home!” He cried, flinging himself at Clarke as soon as she stepped over the threshold.

“Hey little man, I’m sorry we took so long.”

When she let him go he looked up at her with sweet understanding eyes.

“It’s OK. The snow is very pretty to look at but it made me super sad when I thought it was gonna be gone when you got home.”

“We’re here now. Let me get changed and we’ll go out, alright?” 

Clarke had to wear her dress from the night before, though she had opted for Lexa’s converse again instead of her heels. It had made her very happy when Lexa told her she should keep a few things at her apartment in case they spent more nights there. Of course, because of Finn they wouldn’t be doing that too often but they still hoped to be able to get away occasionally. They were both happy to stay at Clarke’s most of the time but that meant risking interruptions and they definitely wanted to be able to avoid those sometimes.

“OK but hurry!” Finn said, practically vibrating with excitement.

“I will,” Clarke said, chuckling and giving Lexa a soft smile. “Can you get him ready? You know where his coat and everything is.”

“Of course,” Lexa said, placing her hand on Finn’s shoulder with a smile. He looked up at her with such sweet eyes and Clarke turned and headed up the stairs.

“Did you keep your promise, Lexa?” Clarke heard Finn say. She stopped on the landing, straining to hear the rest of the conversation.

“I did, Finn. I promise I’ll always take care of her.”

“What about me? Will you take care of me too?”

“Absolutely.”

Clarke smiled and hurried into her room, eager to get back to the others.

 

*

 

Life hadn’t always been very fair to Clarke. She’d lost her father when she was thirteen and her boyfriend when she was nineteen, the two men who had meant the most to her in the entire world. And in amongst all of that pain she had lost herself for a time too. 

She was left as a single mom to raise her son, the perfect little boy named for the two men she had lost, the two men that would have loved little Finn more than anything.

But as she watched her friends, her son, and her girlfriend, her _family_ , playing out in the snow that day she finally felt as if life was evening the score. She’d been through more than her fair share of heartache and the sight before her was enough to make her believe that her period of suffering had come to an end and she finally had the happy, love-filled life she had always dreamed of. She was sad that her dad and Finn weren’t around to see how she’d managed to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart and put herself back together again but she knew they’d be incredibly proud of her.

Raven and Octavia were building a wall of snow to hide behind, Lincoln was making a big pile of snowballs and handing one to Finn each time he called out to him, and Anya was darting around like a madwoman ducking from Finn’s surprisingly good aim, her cheeks bright pink, smile bigger than Clarke had ever seen it. And Lexa, well Lexa stayed close to Clarke, kept reaching out for her gloved hand and pulling her closer, making them waltz through the magic of their surroundings much like they had the night before. 

Lexa was still the same Lexa she had known before but she seemed different today, lighter, freer, and infinitely happier. Clarke didn’t blame her, she felt the same way.

They watched their family with their arms around each other, keeping each other warm with more than just their body heat. Lexa looked adorable in her puffy coat with her scarf wrapped tightly round her neck, a woolly hat shoved on over hair that was more unruly than usual, she’d had to give it a hasty blow dry before they headed over earlier. She loved the way that Lexa was smiling at everyone playing around her, she could tell she was finally comfortable with them all and it made her ridiculously happy.

“You know, as Finn got older I was sad that I’d never had the chance to give him a brother or sister,” Clarke explained, smiling as Lincoln lifted Finn up and span him around in the air. “I hated being an only child, I think it’s why my friends and I are so close. I really wanted Finn to have other kids to grow up with but somehow my friends are pretty good substitutes for siblings for him too, he’s lucky to have them.”

Lexa smiled.

“He’s incredibly lucky. I hated being an only child too, I love the idea of a big family,” Lexa said, her eyes never leaving little Finn and his big grin.

“You do?”

Lexa turned to look at her, face calm, expression open, ease evident in every detail.

“I do. And I think Finn could still have that someday, that we all could. I think he’d make a really good big brother. And if those kids are anything like Finn we’ll be in for a hell of a ride.” Lexa’s eyes widened as she realised the gravity of what she just said and Clarke’s heart stuttered in her chest. “Uh, I mean you, _you’ll_ be in for a hell of a ride.”

Clarke smiled, trying to ignore the way that her heart was thudding in her chest.

“I think _we’ll_ have our work cut out for us, that’s for sure.” 

Lexa beamed at Clarke’s reassurance and she softened again.

“I love the sound of a big family too,” Clarke said, voice soft, heart thudding hard in her chest.

“You do?”

“I do.”

“I’m glad you do.”

Clarke pulled Lexa into her, squeezing her tightly and she had to settle for burying her head in Lexa’s scarf instead of her neck.

“I love you,” Clarke whispered once they were lost in each other’s eyes again.

“I love you too,” Lexa replied, face more beautiful than all of the snow around them.

Clarke was just leaning in to kiss Lexa, lips cold and craving Lexa’s warmth, when a snowball smacked against her shoulder. Finn was crouched behind the wall Raven and Octavia were still working on, a massive grin on his face. Raven whispered something to him and his smile got impossibly wider.

“Get a room!” He shouted, looking back at Raven who gave him a thumbs up and then around at the amused faces of everyone else. He joined in as a smattering of laughter burst out from all sides in the icy air.

Clarke looked back at Lexa, heart warm at the flush on her girlfriend’s cheeks, a mixture of the cold and embarrassment colouring her prettily, and she sighed. Those eyes were the green missing from the snow-covered world and Lexa chuckled against her, holding her close. Their friends were still laughing but Clarke didn’t care, she leaned in and kissed Lexa anyway. Lexa’s lips were cold just like hers were but when her tongue brushed her lip it was warm and inviting. The kiss was downgraded to clumsy and light when they smiled at the way their friends began to cheer, Finn whooping loudly, gloved hands beating together in a muffled clap. 

Clarke knew she was blushing as she pulled from Lexa’s grip but she was going to own it, it was a good kind of embarrassment. She was happy, stupidly happy, and her friends, her little boy, her _family_ were all happy for her. They loved her, they loved Lexa, she loved Lexa, and most miraculously of all Lexa loved _her._

Somehow every time she felt that she’d experienced the most perfect moment she uncovered another one and yes, it definitely felt as if life was finally evening the score. 

“Oh that’s how we’re playing it, is it?” Clarke said, bending down to scoop up a fistful of snow. Finn’s face was filled with glee as he darted across the yard, giggling as Clarke chased after him.

“You’re toast, little man!”

Clarke could hear Lexa laughing as she ran and tackled Finn into a tickle-filled hug and it filled her right up.

They played outside until Finn’s chin was chattering with the cold and they had to drag him inside. All seven of them spent the afternoon bundled up under blankets in the living room, Clarke, Lexa, and Finn squished together on one couch. They were so cosy and warm and eventually they all drifted off to sleep together. Finn was curled up in Clarke’s lap and Lexa was burrowed into her side, face tucked into her neck, and Clarke had the tiniest smile on her lips. They found out later that their friends had taken a photo of them and it ended up being one of Clarke’s favourites.

In the years to come that photo would hang proudly next to the one from their first Halloween together in the hallway of this very house, the house that would soon become home to all three of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That felt pretty final, didn't it? Never fear, there's still one more chapter to go! There will be a time jump in the final one, I want you to see the cute-ass future that's in store for our favourite nerds :)


	12. Somewhere We'll Find Infinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's take a brief glimpse into Clarke and Lexa's future, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there, friends, and welcome to the final chapter of this stupidly sweet story! I can't believe this day has finally come, this is the first time I've written a multi-chapter story to its completion so yay me! I'm so glad I've managed to give these two the happy ending they deserve and that I have you guys to share it with :) Also, thank you so much for all the little Finn love over the course of this story, he is my favourite of all of my OCs and I'm glad he won you over. Just one final thing to say, we have a new perspective for the first part of this chapter and don't judge me too much, a comment someone left on a previous chapter and the fact that I have too much time to think at work spawned that little section and it was actually kind of fun to write! So, for the last time, enjoy!

Hades Griffin, formerly known as Hades Woods by a few (mostly just the mean man who prodded and poked at him every so often in that weird smelling room), was a cat of few meows. He didn’t remember much about his first home but he did remember the way his brothers and sisters would constantly mewl for his mother’s attention and he quickly tired of it. He knew what he wanted and he got it, no muss no fuss. He didn’t need to be all noisy about it.

His memories of his second home were a little clearer. He remembered watching the strange shiny creatures whizz up and down the street far below his perch in the window and how his favourite pastime had been watching the birds that sat on the fire escape just outside. It was the perfect spot for sunbathing too, he was a housecat and he didn’t even really know what it meant to go outside. 

He had quickly tired of the press of faces in his first home and he had been relieved to discover that the human who claimed him lived alone. He appreciated that she was quiet and easy to manipulate. He was a simple cat with only a few demands, each of which his human seemed happy to comply with. She talked to him sometimes, which he didn’t mind, but mostly they coexisted in the quiet and lazed around the apartment together. Sometimes he would try to groom her, her hair was long and wild and it seemed odd to him. He’d sit on the back of the couch and try to flatten it down for her but it always got stuck in the hooks on his tongue and she’d laugh and swat him away after a while. He felt it was important that he tried though, that he showed her that he was happy that she was his human.

His third home was much like the second and his human came with him so he wasn’t too worried. His new window was closer to the ground, everything he could see was much bigger, and sometimes he even saw other cats out of the window. He liked watching them but was glad he didn’t have to interact with them. He still remembered being irritated by his siblings when he was a kitten and he was only growing less patient with time. His human occasionally had other humans over, mostly just the same one that he’d known for a while now, the one with the penchant for lying on his couch (he reluctantly allowed this behaviour, only occasionally biting the offender). He soon noticed a new human that kept coming around though and this one was different somehow. She made his human bare her teeth a lot in that soft way she rarely did and while he didn’t appreciate that they were more noisy when in each other’s company, he did like how she would become distracted and sometimes forget that she’d already given him dinner and give it to him again.

Mostly Hades just tolerated humans but then one day he met a small human. This small human looked different to the ones he was used to, his hair was shorter and much easier to groom as he found out later, and he was much more attentive to his needs. Most humans were rough with their attention, not really taking care to make sure he enjoyed it, but the small human could always tell what he liked best and Hades really appreciated that. He began to grow fond of this boy, though he only saw him occasionally. As soon as he heard his voice coming from somewhere in the apartment Hades would be up on his feet and running to find him, just like those dogs he saw out of the window sometimes.

Hades now lived in his fourth home and his favourite human, the small one, wasn’t so small anymore. Being a cat he wasn’t really aware of the passing of time but he could tell some things were changing. It took him a little longer to get up these days, he tired more easily, and he definitely spent more time sleeping. He also noticed that his human was bigger now, bigger even than his original human who still looked much the same to him. The previously small human’s voice was also different, deeper and calmer which suited Hades. There were even more humans in this house now, though they hadn't been there at first. Two more arrived over the years and when they first came they were smaller than him which he found quite odd. They intrigued him and he quite enjoyed watching the way they just laid on their backs and gazed up at him. But they soon grew bigger and began to chase him around, their clumsy hands patting at him roughly and then he didn’t like them so much anymore. He allowed it anyway, even though it irritated him, but they soon came to be much gentler and he was relieved.

The previously small human was still his favourite though, and he made sure to purr extra loudly for him so that he knew it.

 

*

 

Over eight years had passed since that day in the snow, eight years in which Lexa built something she hadn’t even known she wanted until she met Clarke. 

It was the same backyard of the same happy house that she was sat in, the same woman she was in love with, the same kid nestled into her once lonely heart. These three things were the same but everything else was so different. 

The sun beat down on her, it was only ten in the morning but one of the first truly warm days of the year was upon them and she was already feeling a little uncomfortable in her sweater. Hades was sprawled out on the patio, little white flecks dusting his once immaculately black coat as he soaked in the rays, fully enjoying the fact that he was no longer confined to an apartment. A young boy was running around on the grass before her, keeping her distracted from the book she had intended to read. His bright blonde hair shone in the morning sun but nothing would ever be brighter than his smile. Occasionally he would remember she was sat there and come over to her, showing her something or waffling away to her in his stilted English, her son was fast approaching three and he was interested in absolutely everything.

“Mom, look!” the boy exclaimed, bounding over to her with something clasped between his thumb and forefinger. His sky blue eyes locked with hers as he made sure she was paying attention to him.

“What is that? Is that a-”

“A wiggly worm!”

“Put that back where you found it, Aden.”

“But wormy is my friend!”

“He can be your friend on the ground, he’ll like the grass.”

“He’ll like the grass,” Aden repeated, staring at his new friend and considering her words for a moment. “I put him down.” 

“Good boy.”

Aden nodded, bringing the worm up close to his face.

“I put you down now wormy!”

He ran off to the edge of the yard and gently placed the worm in the grass, patting it quickly before straightening up and continuing his previous mission of charging around like the wild kid he was shaping up to be.

Movement from the house caught Lexa’s eye and she smiled as Clarke stepped out of the back door.

“It’s gorgeous out here,” she said happily, holding her arms out wide, her head tilted back as she basked in the warmth, a contented smile on her face. Lexa’s heart was full as she watched her wife, still just as beautiful as the day they met, the few lines around her eyes the only indication that many years had passed between that fateful day and this one.

“ _You’re_ gorgeous,” Lexa said, as eager to win Clarke’s attention as always.

Clarke turned, smile soft, and walked over to her. Lexa rose automatically to greet her. 

“Don’t you ever tire of doing that?” Clarke asked, arms wrapping around Lexa’s neck as Lexa’s hands instinctively pressed into Clarke’s back, pulling her close.

“Doing what?” Lexa asked, moving forward to kiss at the pretty pink of Clarke’s cheek.

“Every time I say something looks beautiful, or gorgeous, or nice, you flip it so it’s about me.”

Lexa shrugged, a smile tugging at her lips, love pulling at her heart.

“It’s always true, you are always beautiful, and gorgeous, and nice.”

“You’re quite the charmer.”

“Only for you.”

“Yeah, I should think so too.”

Clarke’s expression was playful as she nudged her nose against Lexa’s and Lexa, impatient, pressed their lips together. She still found she couldn’t get enough of Clarke and with their kids always around it wasn’t often they got to share quiet moments together. 

“Mom, Mommy, you guys are being noisy,” a little voice chastised them and they pulled apart. “You’re almost as noisy as Aden.”

Lexa turned to follow the judgemental words coming from her daughter, her fingers threading through Clarke’s as they looked down at the small girl sat on the bench that Lexa had just got up from.

“Oh I’m sorry Your Highness, would you like us to be quiet?” Clarke asked, curtsying and rolling her eyes at Lexa.

“Yes please, I’m trying to draw.” Bold green eyes looked up at them seriously.

“Luna, we’re having family time in the yard, if you want quiet you can go inside,” Lexa told her, shaking her head.

Clarke gave Lexa a quick peck on the cheek before turning to their son, charging after him and causing him to emit high-pitched squeals when she caught up to him. She spun him in the air before pulling him into her chest and pressing kisses all over his face. 

Luna sighed, bringing Lexa’s attention back to her. She had gone back to the pad of paper on her knees, her hand clutching at a pencil as she sketched something Lexa couldn’t quite make out. Her wild, curly hair kept falling in her eyes and she brushed it back impatiently with her free hand, the other never stopping in its constant movements across the page. Luna was an avid drawer, much like her mother, and she was showing an affinity for it already despite being only a few days from her sixth birthday. 

Lexa chuckled, amused by how grown up her tiny daughter acted most of the time. She was such an old soul, much like Lexa had always been. She was a serious kid, always tucked away drawing, but occasionally she’d let loose and unleash her loopier side. Lexa leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Luna’s head, noticing a slight smile on her face when she straightened up again.

“Hey,” a strangely deep voice came from behind them.

Lexa whipped around, forgetting for a moment that the deep voice was the one now belonging to her oldest son. 

“Finn,” she said when his smiling face greeted her eyes. 

She still hadn’t managed to get used to the fact that his voice was breaking, couldn’t believe that he was a teenager now, that he was starting high school in the fall. He bent down to pay attention to Hades who was wrapping himself around his legs and purring, it still made Lexa laugh how much Hades loved Finn compared to everyone else. Way more than even herself, and she was the one that had brought him home and cared for him for the first three years of his life! 

“Hey my not so little man,” Clarke called out to him as she headed over, a giggling Aden tucked under her arm squirming.

“Hey Mom, I’m going out to James’s now,” he told them as Clarke put Aden down and came to stand by Lexa’s side.

“Alright kid, will you ask Murphy if he’s bringing Kasha to Luna’s party next week? I haven’t heard back from him,” Clarke said.

“Sure, I’ll be back tonight, OK?”

“Alright, call me if you want me to pick you up. Home by ten, remember?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Lexa watched Finn and Clarke fondly and fished in her pocket for a moment. She handed Finn the bill she found.

“What’s that for?” He asked, gentle brown eyes meeting hers.

“Thought you might want snacks or something.”

“I have money,” he told her, eyebrows furrowed a little.

“I know, you’re a good kid, Finn. Just take it.”

“Alright, thanks. I’m gonna go now.”

Clarke smiled and pulled him into a hug. Finn rolled his eyes at Lexa over her shoulder but she saw the way his hands pulled at Clarke’s shirt as she held him. He may try to act cool now that he was a teenager but he didn’t fool her, she knew he was still a big softie at heart.

When Clarke pulled back she looked up a few inches at her son, tucking an over-long strand of hair behind his ear. His hair had darkened a little as he grew older but it was still blonde, the shade almost identical to Clarke’s now where once it had been as bright as Aden’s.

“You need a haircut, kid.”

“I like it longer,” Finn said, hand coming up to ruffle it, messy strands falling to frame his face.

“I like it too,” Clarke conceded, a wistful look in her eyes as she regarded him. “It makes you look more like your dad.”

“I know it does,” he said, giving her a sad smile and a quick peck on the cheek.

Lexa still saw the odd flash of sadness in Clarke every so often when she was reminded of Finn’s father, Finn himself being a glaring reminder of what she had lost, but they had both learned that time heals all wounds. You’re never quite the same again, the scar tissue never quite fades but you can rebuild yourself, you can start over. Clarke was strong, stronger than Lexa had ever realised, and she was incredibly proud.

“My turn,” Lexa said, pulling Finn into a hug as well. She held him tightly, wishing she could stop him growing up into the young man he was becoming, missing the little inquisitive boy she had met all those years ago. She was sad to see him growing up so fast but also kind of fascinated by him, she already knew that he was going to be an incredible man. He gave her a kiss on the cheek too when he pulled out of her grip, his cheeks rosy.

“Love you Moms,” he said to them, Lexa’s heart lightening at his words.

Lexa had been living with Clarke and Finn for less than a year the first time that Finn referred to her as his mom. She had taken him out to the park where he was playing with some kids and one of them said they should go and get an ice cream, it was a hot day after all. Finn had turned to the little boy and said “sure, let me go and ask my mom” and Lexa was shocked. It didn’t seem possible that he was referring to her but Clarke was out at one of her classes for the afternoon so she was the only one with him there. And sure enough he’d come running over to her, asking if they could all go and get some ice cream. She had almost cried when she told Clarke about it later, pulling her into a fiercely tight hug as Clarke pressed a kiss into the crook of her neck. It was the day she finally let herself claim Finn as her son and it wasn’t long afterwards that Clarke and Lexa had their first serious discussion about expanding their family.

After that Finn still just called her Lexa, he didn’t refer to her directly as ‘Mom’. He'd known her first as Miss Woods and then as Lexa, he didn’t seem to need a third name for her. However, the fact that he considered her his mom, and had started doing so independently, meant the world to her. It became her title, much like how Clarke became her wife but she didn’t call her ‘Wife’. Well, not usually.

So Finn just called her Lexa and then Luna was born and everything changed. Finn was the proudest big brother, eager to show his baby sister the world and to show her off to everyone he came across. To try to avoid confusion, where Clarke was already ‘Mommy’ to Finn and now to Luna, they decided Lexa would be ‘Mom’. So when Luna started to crawl around, started to really listen to what they said, Finn would encourage her with his words. He’d say things like “give it to Mom” and “come on, Mom will fix it”. The more he talked to Luna about the parents they shared, the more he slipped into calling her Mom even when Luna wasn’t around. Once Aden was born it just became normal. Sometimes he’d slip back into calling her Lexa but she didn’t mind either way. They were family and that’s all that mattered to her. It could be a little confusing at times, now Finn was older he called them both ‘Mom’ resulting in a lot of confused shouting about the house as to which one of them he was actually calling out to.

“Love you too,” Clarke and Lexa chorused.

“Bye Aden, bye Luna,” Finn called out, reaching down to ruffle Luna’s hair where she was still sat drawing, mouth squished into a pout and eyebrows creased. She ducked away from his touch, swatting his hand with her own.

“Finn!” She whined out and he laughed, shaking his head at her.

He bent down to give Hades a final scratch behind the ear before leaving and Lexa listened out for the front door before she turned her attention back to the rest of her family.

“Chase me, Mommy!” Aden called out and Clarke complied, identical smiles lighting up their faces.

Luna huffed and Lexa returned to sit next to her daughter.

“He’s so noisy.”

“He’s just excited,” Lexa told her.

“Everything makes him excited.”

Lexa had to agree with that but that was one of the many things she loved about kids. She was still teaching kindergarten, though not at Finn’s old school (and Luna’s current one) anymore, and it still made her extremely happy. She had been worried that raising kids and then having to spend all day with other people’s kids would be difficult but teaching was much different to being a mom. She loved it all and she found that she could cope with both, even if they could be a little challenging at times. They both came so naturally to her, despite the fact that she had never really thought of herself as the mothering type before Finn. 

Her job came in handy when it came to childcare in the school holidays, she was always free to look after them while Clarke was at work. Clarke’s latest job was at an art museum, though she was considering going into teaching herself soon. She’d always regretted not finishing college as a teenager and she had finally managed it after Lexa encouraged her to go back not long after they had got together.

“What’re you drawing, sweetie?” Lexa asked Luna, hoping to distract her from the grumbling to which she was so prone.

“Our family,” Luna told her, not looking up.

Lexa scooted closer to her and peered at her drawing, smiling. She remembered the first picture Finn had drawn of their family, the one that now hung in their living room, and she thought perhaps she should hang Luna’s up there too when she was done with it.

“It’s lovely, Luna.”

“Thanks.” Luna said pausing, her pencil finally still, and she looked up at Lexa with inquisitive eyes. “Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Her index fingers tapped at the figures of her brothers on the page as she spoke.

“Why don’t I look like Finn and Aden? They look like each other but I don’t look like them at all.”

Lexa smiled at her daughter, a hand smoothing over those wild curls.

“I’ve explained this to you before, remember?”

Luna frowned, cocking her head to the side.

“Sort of.”

“OK, well you know how babies grow inside their moms, right?”

“Yeah, like how Aden was inside Mommy. He kicked _a lot_. He still does now!”

“He does, but yeah. Aden was made inside Mommy and so was Finn once. But you my sweet girl, you were made inside me.”

Luna thought about this for a moment, her eyes narrowed and her mouth hanging open a little.

“But Finn and Aden are my brothers,” she stated, still trying to make sense of it all.

“They are your brothers, yes.”

“But we were made by different moms.”

“Yes.”

“Finn had a dad as well, didn’t he?”

“He did.”

“But he’s not here anymore.”

“No, sweetie, he’s not.”

“I don’t have a dad, do I?”

“No, you don’t.”

“I have two moms.”

“Yes.”

“The same moms as Finn and Aden.”

“You’ve got it.”

Luna nodded.

“So that makes us a family.” She looked down at her drawing again, smiling at the five figures on the page.

“It does. It doesn’t matter that we don’t all look alike or that you guys came from different moms, what matters is that we all love each other. Love is the most important thing for making a family.”

“So love makes babies?” Luna’s eyebrows furrowed as she looked back up at Lexa.

“Not always but it made you and your brothers. You know your mommy and I love you very much, right?”

“Yeah, you tell me _all the time_ ,” Luna said, holding her hands out like she didn’t quite know what to do with all times she’d heard it in her little life.

Lexa just smiled, suddenly struck by how true that statement was.

“That’s because when you love someone, you should tell them,” Clarke said, coming back over to them. “You don’t ever want them to forget it.”

She had left Aden sprawled out on his back in the grass, little chest heaving, smile still on his face. She sat on the other side of Luna and pulled her onto her lap, kissing her cheek until she started to smile. A giggle finally worked its way out of her and she pushed Clarke away with her hands.

“Mommy, stop it! That tickles!”

“I’m just showing you that I love you,” Clarke said, eyes shining as she looked over at Lexa. Clarke was always trying to break into the little cocoon Luna hid away inside, much like she had done with Lexa all those years ago.

“Yeah, OK, I get it. I love you too,” Luna said, giving up her fight and leaning back into Clarke’s grip. Clarke began to run her fingers through Luna’s hair, teasing the strands out of her eyes where they permanently seemed to live these days. 

“Good. You know, drawing would be much easier if you could see, baby girl. Want me to braid your hair?”

“Yes please.”

“We still on for art club later?” Clarke asked, nudging Luna until she stood in front of her and she started to braid her hair.

“Yeah!” 

Lexa smiled, she loved that Clarke and Luna had found something to bond over. Having three very different children wasn’t always easy and Clarke and Lexa tried to each spend some time alone with all three of them doing something that they loved. Lexa and Finn took up karate together a few years back and still did that on Thursday nights and Clarke always picked Finn up from his History club on a Tuesday and took him to dinner just the two of them. Saturday afternoon had become Clarke and Luna’s art time and Lexa took Luna to ballet on Mondays. Aden, the biggest ball of energy that Lexa had ever encountered, was happiest when they took him out to the park or chased him around the garden. He had the stamina of a long distance runner and neither of them could keep up with him. Perhaps they should get him a dog to run around with… He’d probably really like that. She figured she’d ask Clarke about it later.

“Lunaaaaaaaaa!” Aden crooned.

“What, Aden?”

“Look! There’s fishes in the sky!”

“Fish don’t live in the sky,” Luna huffed, looking over at Lexa as if she was exasperated by her brother but a smile betrayed her true feelings.

“No, the clouds! Come on, come see!”

Luna gave a little eye roll before bounding off to lie beside Aden, the lightness to her steps giving her enthusiasm away. She could act as cool and disaffected as she liked, Lexa knew she loved her little brother and his inquisitive nature. They looked utterly adorable laid there on the grass next to each other, taking it in turns to point out different shapes in the clouds, the air filling with their excited chatter and giggles. Lexa got completely lost in the moment and she was a little startled when she felt lips on her cheek.

“Lexa Griffin, have I told you lately how proud I am of you?”

Lexa tore her gaze from her children and let it fall on the soft face of her wife (it had been over six years since they got married but she still hadn’t tired of that word). 

“Uh, why?” She could feel her lips begin to quirk up as Clarke’s hand came up to tuck a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear.

“Well, did you ever think you’d see the day when you’d be telling your daughter how important love is?”

“I never really thought about my future at all,” Lexa admitted, shrugging. It seemed odd to her thinking back to a time without Clarke, she had been lost in so much darkness before she found her, so much isolation that she knew she had brought on herself.

“Exactly. You were terrified of letting yourself care too much, of letting yourself love, and now look at you. I’m just so proud.”

“I have you to thank for that,” Lexa told her, hand finding Clarke’s and tangling their fingers together.

“You always had it in you, I just helped you dare to let out the soft, gooey Lexa that we all know and love.”

“I’m not soft and gooey!” Lexa pouted.

“You so are,” Clarke teased, poking Lexa in the side with her free hand.

“OK, maybe I am a little. As long as you love it.”

“I do.”

“Good.” Lexa’s gaze flicked back to her children and she smiled. “I want Luna to grow up loved, to know that love is strength, not weakness. The boys too. I don’t want them to ever doubt that they’re worth loving.” She looked back at Clarke and took in the adoring expression on her face.

“I don’t think they could. Luna’s right, we tell them all the time.”

“Can’t have them forgetting, right?”

“You’ve got it.”

Clarke and Lexa’s beams were complimentary as they leaned in to join their lips, finding their infinity in the familiarity of the each other’s touch. Lexa pulled Clarke close, never breaking their kiss, and they both sighed.

Lexa had spent such a long time just trying to get by, doing what she thought she should in order to pass the lonely days of her life. Being with Clarke had shown her that life was about more than just surviving, when she met her she finally began to believe that she deserved more and she was sure as hell making the most of every moment now.

 

*

 

Over the past couple of months the incredibly cheeky Aden Griffin had got into the habit of waking up just before dawn and sobbing for his moms until one of them got up to pay attention to him. The following day was no different, his pathetic cries reached out across the hall to the two sleeping women and Clarke woke with a frown. She’d been in the middle of a dream, warm and comfortable there, and the last sinews were retracting from her mind, the image of a smiling Lexa and a flickering flame the only thing that still lingered. 

She rolled over in bed to face the real-life Lexa, cracking her eyes open a fraction to peer over at her.

“Lex,” she croaked out, hand reaching out to ruffle Lexa’s wild array of curls that hid her face from view.

Lexa started, pulled back from Clarke’s grip and shook her hair from her face, features creased up in discomfort.

“What?”

“Your son wants you.”

Lexa burrowed into the duvet, just her cute little face poking out of the top, eyes still closed and unwilling to face the reality of the morning.

“Before sunrise he’s _your_ son.”

Clarke groaned.

“I’m going to take that DVD away from you and Luna if you keep saying that to me.”

Lexa opened her eyes, sleepy green peering over at Clarke.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Care to try me?”

“You wouldn’t break Luna’s heart like that, she loves that movie.”

Clarke sighed, smiling despite herself.

“OK fine, but can you go and get your son?”

“It’s your turn, I went yesterday.”

Clarke frowned, struggling to think in the dimness of the early morning. She was sure she had gone to Aden yesterday because she’d managed to get him back to sleep for a couple of hours before she had to get the others up for school… Damn it, yesterday was Saturday which meant that it hadn't been yesterday…

“ _Shit._ ”

“Told ya,” Lexa said, grinning, eyes closed once more.

“No one likes a gloater.”

“True but you love me anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Clarke said, heaving herself up into a sitting position. She paused just as she was going to get up and cocked her head. It had gone quiet. “Lex, he stopped.”

“Good. Then come back to bed.”

“I should go and check on him, he’s normally really persistent.”

“Hmmm,” Lexa murmured, already seeming to be slipping back to sleep.

Clarke sighed and dropped a quick kiss to Lexa’s forehead before forcing herself onto her feet and heading across the hall. Aden’s room was diagonal from theirs, it was what had once been Octavia’s room. 

Lexa had moved in at the end of Finn’s first year of school, they decided to wait until she was no longer his teacher before she came to live with them. For a while the house had been packed with all three couples but before long Raven had moved in with Anya who already had a perfectly good apartment that was going to waste. Octavia stayed with them for a few more months, Lincoln joining them, he’d been living in a very small apartment with a bunch of friends and was happy to move into a clean, female-fuelled house as a change of pace. Not long after Lexa proposed to Clarke the other couple announced they had found their own place to live, making the awkward conversation they’d been working themselves up to completely unnecessary. Clarke and Lexa had started discussing trying to have a baby and they wanted to be able to continue their family with just the three of them in their home.

Aden’s bedroom door had his name painted on it, each letter a different bright colour, with an array of cute little animals dotted all over it. Clarke pushed it open and found his bed empty, her face creasing up in confusion. Just as she was getting ready to go searching for him, and see what kind of trouble he could possibly be getting into loose in the house on his own, she had an idea. She turned to the room on the other side of the hall, the one that still had the big dinosaur painted on the door (she was dreading the day that Finn asked her to paint over it and she had a feeling it was going to happen one day very soon), and she found it ajar. She stepped over to it and peered inside. The sight that greeted her made her heart swell.

Finn was tucking Aden into his bed, Aden’s eyes were already drooping and he had one of Finn’s old stuffed dinosaurs wrapped in his little arms. Clarke smiled at the gentle way Finn smoothed his hand over Aden’s hair, lulling him to sleep. Once he seemed sure his brother wasn’t going to stir he got up and went to get in the other side of the bed, his eyes landing on Clarke as he went.

“It’s OK, Mom, I’ve got him.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I know he wakes you up a lot so I’ll take him today.”

How did Clarke get so lucky as to have such a thoughtful son as Finn?

“Thanks kid, you get some more sleep, OK?”

“I will.”

Clarke slipped into the room quickly, pulling Finn into a hug and smiling when he gripped her tightly. She looked over to her youngest son before she backed out of the room, he looked just like Finn had at his age when he was asleep, the only real difference between them hidden behind his eyelids. She watched Finn climb into the bed beside his brother before she reluctantly closed the door. She stood smiling to herself for a moment before she remembered the beautiful sleeping Lexa in the next room and headed back in to her.

Lexa didn’t stir when she got into bed but Clarke scooted closer, pressing her lips to Lexa’s, hand seeking out the tempting curve of her hip beneath the covers. Lexa hummed as she came to, lips responding and kissing Clarke back.

“Is he asleep?”

“Yeah, Finn took him back to bed with him.”

“He did?” Lexa’s eyes fluttered open and Clarke smiled, entranced by that gorgeous gaze. “We raised some good kids, didn’t we?”

“We did,” Clarke agreed. “Still got a long way to go yet.”

“That’s true. I’m glad, I don’t want them to grow up yet.”

“Me neither, I can remember them all being babies like it was yesterday. I miss them being that little.”

“Ugh, they were so cute, well, they still are but you know what I mean.”

“I do, I love the baby stage.”

Lexa grinned over at Clarke, an eyebrow rising.

“Is that you saying you want another baby?”

Clarke laughed and shook her head.

“God no, I think we’ve got enough to handle with the three of them. We barely get any time alone as it is.”

“Or time to sleep solidly,” Lexa said, snuggling her head in the pillow. 

Clarke knew she should want to sleep but she was so filled with love that she felt a little wired. The sun had just begun to rise, a sliver of light streaking into the room, its tendrils creeping slowly onto their bed. It illuminated Lexa, making her usually dark curls shimmer with strands of blonde, her cheeks rosy in her tiredness lit beautifully for Clarke to see. She looked gorgeous and serene and Clarke was sure that any dreams her mind could come up with couldn’t be better than what she had right in front of her.

She leaned forward to press her lips to Lexa’s again, hand tugging on Lexa’s hip to bring her closer.

“Clarke, we should sleep,” Lexa chided, no real warning in her voice, though Clarke knew she had meant it in that way.

“I can think of better things to be doing with our time.”

“But I’m tired and-” Clarke slipped her hand under Lexa’s shirt, causing Lexa’s words to falter.

“All three of our children are asleep, we could have at least an hour to ourselves right now. Do you really want to spend it sleeping?”

Clarke quirked her eyebrow as Lexa thought over her words, face scrunching up adorably as the decision whirled around in her mind. She pushed herself up to lie on top of Lexa, lowering her face so she was just inches from Lexa’s lips.

“Maybe I don’t need more sleep,” Lexa finally said, gaze darkening as it dropped to Clarke’s lips.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Clarke said, grinning in triumph as she leaned down to kiss Lexa, pleasantly surprised when Lexa’s tongue licked at her lip, deepening their kiss and building up the tension between them very quickly.

“Such a frat boy,” Lexa chided between kisses, not seeming too bothered about this fact when Clarke pressed a line of kisses down the hollow of her throat.

Lexa’s hands tugged Clarke impatiently back up to her lips again, pulling her weight down on her, seeking out more contact and pressure as the desire built inside her. Clarke’s hand was beginning to wander when a soft knock at the door had them breaking apart, foreheads leaning together and breathing heavily into each other’s mouths. Their eyes locked and Clarke sighed.

“So much for a bit of time alone.”

“I know,” Lexa consoled, hand coming up to caress Clarke’s cheek before Clarke rolled off her and back to her own side of the bed.

“Yeah?” She called out.

A mane of brown curls appeared around the edge of the door and Clarke smiled, that solved the mystery of which kid had interrupted them.

“What’s up, baby girl?” She asked as Luna came further into the room.

“Aden woke me up and now I can’t sleep. Can I come and sleep with you?”

Lexa smiled quickly over at Clarke before looking back at their daughter.

“Of course honey, come on,” Lexa said, beckoning her over.

Luna clambered up from the end of the bed and slotted herself in between the two of them, her stuffed bunny gripped tightly in her fist. She curled herself into a ball in between them and Clarke leaned down to kiss her head.

“Sleep tight, baby girl.”

“Night Mommies.”

Clarke nestled herself back into the bed and tucked Luna into her chest, peering over at Lexa. Lexa smiled softly at them and came closer to curl around Luna’s back, her hand coming up to rest on Clarke’s side. When Luna’s breathing evened out again, Lexa spoke softly.

“Date night soon? I bet Raven and Anya would take the kids for an evening for us while we go out. Or we could ask Octavia and Lincoln, we had their kids when they went to that concert the other week, they owe us.”

“Ooo, that’s true!” Clarke thought about it for a moment and she smiled when she had an idea. “You know, I bet their grandma would be happy to have them for a whole night, then we’re guaranteed no interruptions.”

Lexa smiled back at her, nodding.

“That sounds amazing.”

“We could even make a whole weekend of it?” Clarke suggested, knowing what Lexa’s answer would be.

“A whole weekend? Doesn’t that seem a bit long to be away from them?”

Clarke chuckled.

“It does. Fine, one night, just you and me. It’s a date.”

Clarke’s hand reached around Luna and began tracing patterns on Lexa’s arm and they were just drifting to sleep when another knock at the door roused them.

Lexa sighed, eyes opening and she shook her head.

“Our fight is never over.”

Clarke chuckled, always amused by how dramatic Lexa could be.

“Not until Aden goes off to college, I guess.”

“Right, so, fifteen years and it’ll finally just be the two of us?” 

Clarke shrugged and called in the next kid.

Finn stepped into the room with Aden trailing along at his side, their hands linked together, Aden pouting a little as his fist rubbed at his eyes.

“He wants you, Mom,” Finn said, looking over at them.

“Alright, buddy, come here,” Clarke said, holding her hand out and motioning him over.

“No, other Mom,” Finn said, smiling and leading Aden over to Lexa.

Clarke loved watching the way that Lexa would light up sometimes when Finn would call her Mom, it was utterly adorable. Lexa had treated Finn like he was her own right from the start and now he really was theirs and Clarke couldn’t be happier. She watched as Lexa picked Aden up and he burrowed automatically into her chest, unusually quiet. He was obviously still tired and he hid his face in Lexa’s shirt without another look at any of them.

“You coming in too?” Clarke asked Finn expecting him to say no, for him to roll his eyes and act all cool and distant. She’d been waiting for it ever since he turned thirteen, as if him becoming an official teenager would turn him sullen and closed-off. It had yet to happen though and she figured when he started high school it would finally would. She was surprised to see a little hopeful look take hold of him as he hung awkwardly in the doorway.

“There isn’t really much room,” he said, shuffling on his bare feet.

“Of course there is,” Lexa said as she moved right to her side of the bed, Clarke following suit and scooting into the middle with Luna still pulled into her chest.

“You sure?” Finn asked, a smile trying to take over his face.

“Come on kid, there’s always room for you,” Clarke told him, pulling the duvet back a little and motioning him with her head.

His grin won out and he was back to being that little boy from eight and a half years ago, the one that had got excited on Christmas Eve and had been nervous to climb into bed with her and Lexa for the first time. He got in next to Clarke and curled himself loosely around her, he was big enough to do that now, and Clarke craned her neck so she could give him a quick kiss on the forehead before turning back around and cuddling herself around Luna.

Somehow the five of them could still fit in the bed that used to just sleep the grief-stricken Clarke, the Clarke that used to believe that she’d never be in love again, that she’d be the single mom of the boy with no father, forever trying to be everything for him by herself. She remembered night after night curled up around the swell of her stomach, endless sadness seeming to flood the darkness around her, suffocating her. On some nights she almost welcomed it.

But now here she was bathed in the warmth of the morning sun surrounded by her family. Her wife smiled at her over the sleeping figures of their son and daughter and their other was son curled around her, forehead pressed into her back. She reached her hand out and Lexa mirrored her action, their fingers threading together between them and somehow every moment that had come before was beaten by this one. Surely there couldn’t be another so perfect in the entire world, in any of the possible universes, in any alternate realities. She breathed in deeply, heart calm, lungs filling with the life that her family had instilled in her.

She hadn’t even known such magic existed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks! 
> 
> If you have enjoyed this story then I'd love to hear from you, comments make my day! You can hit me up on [my tumblr](http://proudlyyours.tumblr.com) if you have any questions about this universe, if you want to know about things I skipped over between the last two chapters or things from their past. I don't have plans for a sequel but I've got lots of ideas for things that I haven't included in the story and I'm happy to write scenes from their lives if anyone wants them because you know it'll just be so cute! I'll do my best to fulfil your fluffy Clexa needs if you prompt me :) I could talk about my fics for ages (and I often do!) and I also flail about awesome gay ladies on tumblr so feel free to come and join me in that! I will be back with more Clexa fics so keep an eye out and don't be strangers! :) 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for your comments and kudos, you've helped me so much and I'm truly grateful.


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